Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one too

Pretend like you're about to experience the best, or worst, night of TV ever with these entries from Pop Life:

And who can forget these gems from Tgreen2004's Convention and Election coverage in the Archives?

10:00 p.m. -- I mentioned somewhere on the home page that the updating for tomorrow and Wednesday will be kind of sporadic, since I'll be out of town. However, if you choose to tune in to the convention either of those days, might I suggest the unofficial DNC Drinking Game? Any time someone says "Kerry," take a drink. Any time someone says "purple hearts," take a drink. Any time some delegate is shown dancing out of time to the music playing, take two drinks. Any time they play a video of some past Democrat you never heard of, take a drink. Any time they play a video of some past Democrat you voted for, take two drinks. Any time someone speaks Spanish, take a drink. Any time a celebrity turns up, take a drink. If you hate that celebrity, take two drinks. Any time someone mentions Vietnam, 9/11, or Florida 2000, take 2 drinks. Any time they show one of those video speeches by "regular" Americans just like you and me, except they can't read their cue cards too well and come off looking like hostages on tape, take 3 drinks. Any time someone mentions health care, take a drink and hope to God you have it.

11:00 p.m. -- Clintons, baby! First Hillary came out, accepted the nomination to run as the Democratic Candidate in 2004, then had it broken to her that she was not, in fact, in the running for the job and instead was supposed to be introducing her husband, and then after a bit of pouting and some confusion as to who this husband was that they were referring to, she got on with her speech. She started it by teasing me and saying she was practically speechless. But somehow she overcame it. Holy crap, how much plastic surgery has Chelsea Clinton had?!? I'm afraid that my TV, which already had to record Ryan Seacrest today, is not happy with so much Hillary Clinton on the same day. I really want to bust on these Democrats for relying so much on 9/11 as a topic, but seeing as how the Republicans chose New York as close to the 9/11 anniversary as they could, I guess I have to give these folks a pass. I'm glad to see Hillary is so concerned with the safety of New York from terrorism, but I shouldn't be surprised since she's been living here for so long now.

And now, Bill Clinton himself. He strolled out, hugged his wife, she checked his collar for lipstick, and then Bill was on. The crowd went wild. I was waiting for Bill to walk down to the crowd and start wiping his forehead with handkerchiefs and handing them out like Elvis used to. Interesting that Clinton referred to himself as a foot soldier in the fight for the future, since he passed on his previous chance to be a foot soldier. Clinton called for a positive campaign, because who knows better how messy it can get when politics goes below the belt? He said we're trying to develop 2 new nuclear weapons that we could use first. Oh shit, guess I won't be sleeping tonight, what with the thought of W with a couple new nukes in his hands. For a second I thought maybe Bill had forgotten the point of his speech and decided to run himself, but then he got back on track. Probably because he saw the adoring looks in the eyes of every woman they showed in the audience. Once Bill's speech was over, he dropped to one knee, some delegates rushed out and covered him with a cape, then helped him off stage through a hail of bedroom keys. Someone's getting laid tonight, and it probably isn't Hillary.

6:30 p.m. -- So that Republican youth conference? They had a mini riot today. And no, it had nothing to do with Jenna Bush having trouble getting a fresh apple martini delivered to the podium. Apparently some AIDS activists found a way to sneak in and then, once the speeches started, they ripped off their shirts to reveal protest signs, and they started blowing whistles. Figures the most interesting thing that's gonna happen at this convention doesn't get televised. I did see some video of the incident, and my favorite scene was when one of the Republican youth kicked this female protestor after the Secret Service knocked her to the ground. Dick Cheney would be proud.

10:00 p.m. -- Okay, Now that I've seen Pataki's speech, I'm 20 times more embarrassed to come from New York than I ever thought I'd be. How the fuck did we elect this guy 3 fucking times? It's bad enough he has less personality in his entire body than Giuliani had in his combover, but he actually stole one of Giuliani's lines from his speech. Holy crap. And any time he strayed within 100 yards of a punchline, it sounded like something from Leno's show. Which, as you might imagine, is not high praise. He did mention al Qaeda, though, which is the first time I can remember hearing that name all week. I'm glad someone remembered who we're supposed to be fighting. It only took four days. Dammit. I'd faint dead away if Osama bin Laden's name got mentioned at this convention. It's obvious Pataki wants higher office than governor of NY. He'd go down on Dick Cheney right up on stage if it would get him enough votes to be president. Wow, he just said that after 9/11 box cutters count as weapons of mass destruction. Fuck, I hope the UN doesn't come by my apartment. I'd fail that inspection. Again, 9/11 was a terrible day. Worst event I've ever seen. The Republicans don't own it, and I wish they'd figure that out. Man, if Pataki's got me this pissed off, what the hell is W going to do? Man, this Pataki is just a hack. Always has been. Always will be. How did we elect him 3 times. Stop the madness!

8:00 p.m. -- They're fighting over absentee ballots in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Man, I hope they don't find out I voted, like, 25 times this morning. They're also saying that the majority of young, first-time voters are going strong for John Kerry. Of course, because George W. Bush is too much like the college roommate who constantly left his empties all over the floor and who they were happy as hell to finally leave behind. And also, Kerry sounds more like their dad and they're kind of afraid to vote against him. I wonder how Hawaii will end up voting, since Dick Cheney was just out there the last 2 days. Perhaps he was setting up a new undisclosed location in case they win another 4 years and W decides to bomb Europe. And they just announced Florida is also "too close to call." Or, as the Republicans call it, "in the bag."

10:00 p.m. -- And we're down to this...

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways To Make Election Night Coverage More Interesting:
10. Make candidates sit in room full of bees while waiting for the results
9. Electric shock all news anchors whenever they say "too close to call"
8. Let Bill Clinton host a Clinton After Dark election show
7. Find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
6. Change red states and blue states to cherry and blueberry states and hand out the appropriate Pop Tarts every time a state is won
5. Steel Cage Death match between VP candidates
4. Give Dan Rather an animated horse sidekick
3. Have all living former Presidents on hand to mock the current candidates while they watch highlights from the campaign
2. Seriously, find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
1. Give us some real candidates to vote for

12:30 a.m. -- It looks like everyone's given Florida to Bush now. He's got a big lead. This one really might come down to Ohio. Fucking Ohio. And since so far it seems every state has gone the same way it did last time, and so therefore there's not much reason to think Ohio will be different this time. So we could be looking at a replay of 2000 but without the fun, let's-drag-it-out-for-two-months stuff from that year. Uh-oh, it looks like Pete Coors lost in Colorado. No Coors Twins for me. This evening is not turning out too well for me so far. What's next?

Tgreen's Top Ten Things That Could Be Next:
10. Bush Twins stop by with some Coors, but won't share with me
9. Repeat from 2000 continues indefinitely, leading to second 9/11, opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to become an even bigger dick
8. Dick Cheney cuts my hand off with his lightsaber
7. My two IRA accounts turn out to have a bunch of Enron shares in them
6. Bush decides to invade Iraq again and do it right this time
5. Hillary Clinton announces for 2008 tomorrow
4. Bush advisor Karen Hughes swings by, tells me she likes my work, asks me to touch her in the bathing suit area
3. John Kerry continues to travel the country delivering his stump speech in camo gear
2. Michael Moore makes 20 more movies about Bush to make it even harder for me to avoid them all
1. English language modified to include "nucular," "strategery," and "unpossible"

2:00 a.m. -- I think I could do without hearing how important bloggers have been in this election cycle. Being a shut-in with an Internet connection doesn't make you any more interesting or important than anyone else. And no, this is not a blog. This, as should be clear, is a horrible trainwreck that intended to be funny but which went off the tracks hours ago. So bloggers, go away. Though I'd take the bloggers if it meant we could avoid the army of lawyers no doubt red-eyeing their way to Ohio as I type this. This is just on the possibility that there will be some litigation (and I'm afraid if I type that word three times in a row I'll have a room full of lawyers suddenly appear here). Imagine if, in an hour or two, there's actual proof of some kind of vote count that needs litigation. There could be a lawyer shortage in the rest of the country. Ambulances will go unchased. Mobsters will go unmouthpieced. It'll be anarchy. But I wonder who will all these lawyers bill if it turns out there's no need in Ohio for litigation. Oh, no, I typed it three times! No, there are lawyers everywhere. No! No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

And how about these pearls of wisdom from Uncle T?

Dear Uncle T,
I was at a block party last week and I woke up the next morning in a strange bed with a hot dog stuffed down the front of my underwear. What do I do?

Worried in Boston

Dear Worried,
Whatever you do, don't eat the hot dog. Other than that, you're on your own, pal.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
One of my testicles is larger than the other. Is this a problem?

Sincerely,
TW, NYC

Dear TW,
Well, no two parts of the human body are exactly the same size. It's like, have you ever gotten a woman into bed and grabbed onto her boobs and found that one fit nicely into your hand and one maybe spilled out a little bit? Either one of her boobs was bigger than the other or one of your hands is smaller than the other (which might explain why you're the only one who uses the word "mighty" when describing whatever the hell is going on down there in your underwear zone). But really, if it's a slight size difference that never changes, chances are it's no big deal (which, be honest with old Uncle T here, isn't the first time you've heard the term "no big deal" when talking about the old underwear zone). Now if one of those bad boys is the size of a ping pong ball and the other is the size of a Christmas ham, or one is the size of a raisin and the other has offered to split the rent with you next month, then you might want to get that checked out. Now stop playing with your balls while surfing my web site.

Uncle T

And of course, there's always the calming comfort of the Beach Report:

Where could this boardwalk be leading? A hot cheerleader party? A band of thieves looking to swipe your iPod? Hidden pirate's booty? A vegan barbecue? A nude beach? A Michael Jackson beach party? Who knows? Who cares? Wherever it leads, it's probably more fun than where you're sitting right now. Just look out that window. Was that a snowflake? Was it? It could have been. You can never tell. That could have been a snowflake right outside your window. See any snowflakes in this picture? I thought not. Now get back to work and quit giggling that I wrote "pirate's booty" up there. What are you, 12?

I have to admit I don't do much of the frolicking myself, but I'm almost positive this is what it looks like. Don't you wish you could be frolicking right now? Wouldn't it be fun? You could grab your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, pack a picnic lunch, bring along a bottle of champagne, score some weapons-grade heroin, drive on down to the beach and have a good old fashioned frolic. But instead you're stuck at the office counting the moments until your idiot boss starts whistling that tuneless tune of his, until the day you charge into the office with an automatic weapon and put an end to that infernal sound once and for all. Oh, yeah.

Who doesn't enjoy the wacky hijinks over at Greetings from Shokanaw?

And let's not forget everyone's old favorite, Happy Friday:

So New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey is gay and has to resign from his job. Can't we get George Pataki to even flirt with some guy?!? Is that really asking too much? Come on, one of you guys in the audience, slip on a pair of tight jeans and drive up to Albany right now!

This week Senator Ted Kennedy explained that for several months his name was on the "no fly" list the government uses to catch terrorists. I don't know about you, but if I decided I absolutely had to ban Ted Kennedy from a mode of transportation, I don't think airplanes would be my first choice.

A new study revealed that people who are in bad moods have better memories than people who are in happier moods. And in a related story, I just remembered where I was when JFK got shot, despite the fact that it happened about 5 years before I was born.

Which should give you some idea as to what kind of mood I'm in today.

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways To Simulate next week's RNC:
10. Give $100 to some rich guy
9. Dodge a draft
8. Break every promise you ever made, but accuse one of your rivals of flip-flopping
7. Start a war with some ass-backward region with a leader everyone's trying to get rid of...like, say, New Jersey, for example
6. Promise not to leave your child behind, but then go somewhere and, well, leave your child behind
5. Get drunk, get high, sleep around, cheat on your wife, and don't worry about the consequences...as long as you're under 40, because you're just a kid who doesn't know any better
4. Hate a Clinton (and no, it doesn't matter which one)
3. Send another thank you card to Florida
2. Find as many ways as possible to use the 9/11 attacks for your own self-promotion
1. Give another $100 to some rich guy

The Friends spinoff Joey premiered on NBC this week, causing two deaths and as much as $10 billion in destruction.

Oh wait, sorry, that's not right. That last part belonged in the Hurricane Frances story. Joey didn't kill anything. Except Matt LeBlanc's hopes for a career a couple of years from now.

In science news, a report issued this week identified a new gene that links alcoholism to depression. Scientists hope that by studying the gene, dubbed the "Hey Poindexter, Any George Jones Song Could've Told You The Same Fucking Thing" gene, they can find ways to spot people who are at risk of suffering either disease in time to treat them.

After 25 years, Barbara Walters retired this Friday from the ABC newsmagazine 20/20, which by coincidence was the number of pies Star Jones ate at the retirement party.

President Bush gave a speech to a National Guard group this week, though CBS anchorman Dan Rather claims he has documents that say otherwise.

SpaceShip One successfully completed its second trip into space within a week, thereby winning a $10 million prize and taking us one step closer to being able to give Donald Trump a one-way ticket to Jupiter.

A fire on a Canadian submarine killed one sailor and put two others in the hospital, prompting millions of Americans to exclaim, "Canada has a submarine?!?"

The price of a barrel of oil briefly rose to $53 a barrel this week, forcing Vice President Cheney to call his doctor due to worries over one of those four-hour erections the commercials are all warning us about.

Mark David Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, has a parole hearing this week. Imagine there's no chance he'll get a parole. It's easy if you try.

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways To Survive the Hockey Lockout:
10. Take advantage of extra time to plan a nice vacation for June, when the hockey playoffs typically keep you at home...ask any New York Rangers fan for a list of good places to go in June
9. Become a NASCAR fan, because sure, NASCAR doesn't have as many fights as hockey, but it has at least as many mullets
8. Update your porn collection
7. Find ways to incorporate the phrase "Potvin sucks!" into your everyday conversation
6. Find the only other sport in the world that involves lots of ice and a disk...that's right, Curling!
5. Use your extra time to really talk to your wife or husband for the first time in...oh, okay, seriously, just dig out your tapes from the last time your team won the Stanley Cup (Islander fans may need to dust off their old Betamax players in order to do this)
4. Ice down your front walk, plant yourself by the front window with a case of Labatts, and shout obscenities at everyone who slides by
3. Get addicted to the Presidential debates, because sure, the debates don't have as much action as hockey, but President Bush mangles the English language at least as badly as your typical Russian winger
2. Cross-check anyone who stands between you and the last seat in the subway car
1. Just decide to follow whatever other major sport gets as little coverage on ESPN as hockey does, like for example...er, uh, well, hmmm....there's gotta be one, right?

This week New York senior citizens held a rally at City Hall to protest cutbacks to the Meals on Wheels program that now delivers frozen meals and not freshly prepared meals to their homes. Well, actually it was less a protest than a couple of old folks who kind of wandered over by mistake because they were sure they were on line for a Count Basie concert, but they got their point across anyway.

A new study indicates that a glass of red wine a day can help lower the risk of lung cancer by as much as 13%. The study also confirms that drinking 7.7 glasses of wine a day will not help lower the risk of lung cancer by 100%, but it could dramatically increase the risk of waking up in bed with that creep from Accounting by at least 57%.

Actor Mel Gibson lashed out at a California bond measure designed to raise money for embryonic stem cell research, which he considers unethical. In an interview on Good Morning America, Gibson asked, “Why do I, as a taxpayer, have to fund something I believe is unethical?” thus proving that Conservative celebrities are no more qualified to set policy than Liberal celebrities. Though if Gibson really wants an answer to his question, he could always consult with the 50-or-so% of Americans who are against the war in Iraq but are sadly not famous enough to complain about paying for it on an ABC talk show.

Senator Hillary Clinton was at the State of the Union, which was maybe a little bit of a surprise since she fainted while giving a speech earlier in the week. And there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that Bill Clinton tried to have her declared legally dead as soon as she hit the floor.

I think, though, that Hillary was the first woman to ever drop to the floor who didn't need to have the former President surgically removed a few seconds later.

This weekend the first wave of toy tie-ins to Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith go on sale at stores across the country. Among the things you'll be able to see if you visit your local Wal Mart toy section this Saturday are: "Mace Windu with lightsaber-slashing action", "Emperor Palpatine with dark-side-power action", and "Local Star Wars geek with die-a-virgin action".

Sadly, what you're unlikely to see is "George Lucas with coherent-narrative-writing action".

To: Tom Cruise
Re: Katie Holmes

Dear Tom,

Nope, I'm not buying it.

Hugs and Kisses,

Tgreen

The NYPD announced this week it will begin random searches of people entering the subway system in order to make the subways more secure. People who refuse to submit to a search will be denied entry to the system. The NYPD isn't saying exactly what it will be looking for during these searches, but I know one thing they won't find is anyone carrying some extra deodorant into the subway system.

South Korean scientists announced they've produced the world's first cloned dog, Snuppy, an Afghan hound. Lead scientist Hwang Woo-suk said Snuppy was happy, healthy, and oh so delicious.

And there you have it, folks, a year in the life of the Treetop Lounge. There's plenty of other sections that didn't get highlighted here, so feel free to roam the site and check them out as well. Thanks so much for stopping by this year, and I hope you continue to do so on a regular basis. And hey, while you're at it, tell your friends to stop by too. And why not make a stop at the Treetop Lounge Store before you leave? It couldn't hurt.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I've got all kinds of big plans for year two, because I'm pretty much making it up as I go along. But if you laughed at anything you read on this page today, then you won't regret coming back here this year. I mean, you won't regret it any more than you already do.

T "Elvis is Everywhere" green