FAQ

Got a question? Of course you do. Everyone does. Questions are like assholes: everyone's got one and you can cram them full of all kinds of weird crap. Okay, maybe that analogy doesn't hold up too well, but I bet it made you think about your ass, and you probably don't do enough of that. But if you have a question about this site, it's very likely someone else had the same question, and so what follows are the most popular questions asked about this site, along with their answers. If you still have a question after reading this, feel free to ask and if enough other people ask, perhaps one day your question will make this list. Because these questions are real questions asked by people just like you. And not stupid crap I just made up. Oh, no.

In the Archives:

Learn It, Live It, Love It:

Q. Okay, who made this site for you?
A. I did.

Q. No, seriously. I saw your last site and it looked like a blind monkey on crack threw that together. So who did this one?
A. I did it myself. I just learned more about web sites before I did this one.

Q. Fair enough. So what did you do with the monkey?
A. What monkey?
Q. The blind monkey on crack who did your last site. Is he looking for work?
A. No, he's not. He started his own web consulting firm and his IPO went through the roof. So he's set.

Q. Why a web site? I liked getting a short e-mail every week that I could easily ignore. Now there's a whole huge site that I have to ignore and I'm not really sure if I have the time to ignore something so big.
A. While it does take a lot more time to ignore this web site than it did to ignore the Happy Friday e-mail, might I suggest ignoring it in stages? Studies have shown that if you ignore part of the site on Monday, part on Tuesday, and part on Wednesday, you can easily ignore the entire site before the week is even half over.

Q. Remember that joke you did that time about that guy? That guy from the movie? Or the TV show? He was running for President or something? And there was a giraffe in it?
A. Uh, yeah.
Q. I didn't get it.

Q. Are we there yet?
A. No.

Q. Now?
A. No.

Q. How about now?
A. No.

Q. Now?
A. No.

Q. How about now?
A. Yes.
Q. Really?
A. No.

Q. You're always making fun of such talented people. Why? You're always making fun of David Hasselhoff or Anson Williams or Jessica Simpson or Bruce Villanch. Talented people. Why not make fun of people with less talent than you? Why are you always making fun of people with more talent than you?
A. Because there are more of them?

Q. Love the Top Ten Lists. Been reading them for years. So imagine my surprise when I was watching David Letterman's show and saw him do a Top Ten List. Did you know about this? David Letterman stole your idea! Just thought I'd let you know.
A. Thanks a lot. I'll put in a call to my lawyer right away.

Q. Since you've had so many months off, can we expect an unbroken string of brilliant and hilarious material?
A.Of course. I've spent all this time studying up on several new genres of humor, all to make sure I'm bringing you some of the freshest material on the Internet. Nothing but good times ahead!

Q. You're lying about that, aren't you?
A. Of course I am.

Q. That logo up there looks like it says "fag." Is this some kind of gay site?
A. It says "faq." For "Frequently Asked Questions."

Q. Oh, so this isn't a gay site?
A. Nope. It's a humor site.

Q. And this isn't a gay page?
A. No, this is a page for people to ask questions.

Q. Well, what if I had a question about gay stuff? Could I ask it here?
A. I suppose you could. As long as it's not about wine.
Q. Never mind, then.

Q. I thought you said you'd never write Happy Friday again! But now it's on the site! What the fuck?
A. I said I'd never do Happy Friday as a weekly e-mail again. This is obviously not a weekly e-mail.

Q. Oh man, you're just like John Kerry! A whiny, liberal, waffling wuss! You say you're gonna do something and you should stick to it! Stupid waffler! Waffle, waffle, waffle!
A. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

Q. But I do have to. I want to see if this is the week you put jokes in it.
A. You've got a long wait, pal.

Q. Is it okay to think about Kelly Ripa when I....you know?
A. God, I hope so.

Q. Have you ever thought of turning this site into a reality show? The Treetop Lounge could be a big hit. Each week you make the lounge guests write a joke, and whoever writes the worst one gets kicked out. Why don't you do that?
A. Because I'd probably be the first one to get kicked out.

Q. You claim to be a writer but we've never seen you write anything but this crap. What's the deal? What else have you written, Mr. Writer Man?
A. Check out the Treetop Lounge Store to buy some stories I've written. Or, if you're a cheapskate, you could check out the Fiction section to see if there's anything new over there.

Q. When can we expect to see pornography on this site?
A. Never. This isn't a pornography site. But I hope you'll stick around for all the jokes and stuff.

Q. No porn?
A. But we've got jokes and stuff.

Q. I'm outta here.
A. I think maybe I'll join you.

Q. What's with all the lame videos all of a sudden? The Beach Report went from some crappy picture with some weird rambling text to some unwatchable video about nothing with some weird depressing and rambling text thing. Seriously, what's the deal?
A. We here at the Treetop Lounge just thought it was time to embrace some of the new technologies available on the web. YouTube videos seemed like a natural place to start.

Q. Okay, fine, but would it kill you to maybe aim your camera at something interesting just one time?
A. It might not, buy why risk it?