Dear Uncle T,
I was at a block party last week and I woke up the next morning in a strange bed with a hot dog stuffed down the front of my underwear. What do I do?

Worried in Boston

Dear Worried,
Whatever you do, don't eat the hot dog. Other than that, you're on your own, pal.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
My girlfriend just told me she no longer wants to go out with me. She says it's not me, it's her, and the best thing to do is never see each other again. I really love this girl, so what should I do?

Anxious in Alabama

Dear Anxious,
It's you. Get over it.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm going to a party this weekend and I'm not sure about the proper etiquette. Should I bring a case of beer, or a bottle of good wine, or some really nice bourbon I know the host will like?

Confused in Queens

Dear Confused,
Yes.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I think I may have a phobia. Every time I see a commercial for the new season of Jersey Shore show my heart starts racing and I have trouble breathing. What does this mean?

Sincerely,
TV Junkie

Dear TV Junkie,
There's two kinds of people in this world. People you want to spend time with, and people you don't want to spend time with. By definition, people you want to spend time with do not appear on "reality TV". Not ever. Not once. Not even by accident. So if you don't want to hang out with these people, why would you want to watch them on TV? Sure, by watching them on TV you have less risk of catching some disease off them. But still, it'll kill brain cells and there are way more fun and 80-proof ways to kill brain cells that don't require you to tune in to MTV. So that racing heart feeling is your body telling you to look away and forget any of this happened. Either that, or you've got a thing for fake tans, in which case I can't help you.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm having real problems at work. My boss is an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing. And even worse, he walks around all day whistling and humming until it's all I can do to keep myself from killing him. I can't take it any more. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I can totally relate, pal. I've had some bad bosses in my day. I remember this one time I was working, oh, I don't remember, somewere in the city. And I was at this party one night drinking grain alcohol mixed with Hawaiian Punch and playing quarters. Well around about 2 in the morning all of a sudden I saw my beer can slide across the table under its own power. Scared the crap out of me. I thought for sure I'd killed my last brain cell that night. What a riot. Then I think I went to work the next day, and my boss wasn't so much of an idiot. Or no, I think that was on a weekend. And maybe I was in school when that happened. But yeah, you're screwed. Might as well go out after work and have a drink. Or mix some grain alcohol into your boss's mid-afternoon Sprite.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
One of my testicles is larger than the other. Is this a problem?

Sincerely,
TW, NYC

Dear TW,
Well, no two parts of the human body are exactly the same size. It's like, have you ever gotten a woman into bed and grabbed onto her boobs and found that one fit nicely into your hand and one maybe spilled out a little bit? Either one of her boobs was bigger than the other or one of your hands is smaller than the other (which might explain why you're the only one who uses the word "mighty" when describing whatever the hell is going on down there in your underwear zone). But really, if it's a slight size difference that never changes, chances are it's no big deal (which, be honest with Uncle T here, isn't the first time you've heard the term "no big deal" when talking about the old underwear zone). Now if one of those bad boys is the size of a ping pong ball and the other is the size of a Christmas ham, or one is the size of a raisin and the other has offered to split the rent with you next month, then you might want to get that checked out. Now stop playing with your balls while surfing my web site.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I recently joined Facebook, looked up a bunch of old high school friends, sent friend requests to them, and got rejected by every last one. Why would they do this? I'm just a normal person looking to revisit some old friends. Why would nobody want to Friend me?

Friendless in Philly

Dear Friendless,
To some people, high school was a pleasant time filled with great activities, learning experiences, and friendships that would last a lifetime. Those people are freaks. To the rest of us, high school was something to be survived and forgotten about as quickly as possible. So that innocent little friend request you sent either reminded people of the person who pantsed them in gym class, or the person they pantsed in gym class, and neither one is a memory an adult wants to keep carrying around. So go send Friend requests to your college buddies. They were probably too drunk to remember why they hated you back then, so maybe a couple of them will add you to their list.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I've been trying to date this girl I know from the neighborhood, but I don't know how to approach her. What's the best way to introduce myself without making her think I'm some kind of stalker?

Yours truly,
TD, Alaska

Dear TD,
That reminds me of this one night, I was driving around with my friend at like 4 in the morning while we were looking for a diner to have some breakfast. I had a six pack in the back seat and some peppermint schnapps in my jacket pocket. We were somewhere on the FDR and he starts telling me about this girl he used to date and how she never said anything nice about him when they went out together. So I asked him why he never dumped her. And he said he did. So I told him to get off at the Houston Street exit because I knew a place we could get good pancakes. But it was closed, so we went home and I passed out for 13 hours. So, I don't know, go get pancakes and see if you still want to go out with this girl. Maybe the waitress will talk to you.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
Every day my e-mail Inbox is filled with e-mails telling me that my penis is tiny, or it doesn't work right, or it doesn't satisfy my wife. This is starting to make me feel very self-consious every time I check my e-mail. What can I do to stop this?

Confused,
BN, Kansas City

Dear BN,
Seriously, who the hell are you to question the Internet? Don't you think maybe you're getting all these e-mails for a reason? Go to the mirror and look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself if it's really a mystery why you're getting all these e-mails. And then once you've done that, I think we all know the answer to your problems will be fairly obvious.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
Every morning I like to order a bagel with mayo on it. Why is this such a controversial choice?

Pale and carbo-loaded in NYC

Dear Pale,
It's not controversial, just disgusting. So stop it right now before someone gets hurt. You probably put ketchup on a hot dog and mustard on a burger, don't you? Freak.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
I'm hearing a voice in my head all the time. Whenever I get up to give a speech, or answer some questions, or even whisper sweet nothings into my wife's ear at night, there's always this other voice in my head telling me what to do. It's really weird, and every day I'm afraid I'm having a harder time hiding this problem from the people around me. What can I do?

Worried,
GB, Texas

Dear GB,
That voice isn't telling you to kill all your neighbors, is it? It doesn't sound like Karl Rove, does it? Seriously, this reminds me of this one time back in the late 80s when I could swear I heard some mysterious voice yelling at me. This went on for hours, and I couldn't figure out where the voice was coming from or who it was. Finally I realized it was my boss yelling at me to wake up because I'd gone out drinking the night before and had accidentally passed out at my desk. He told me to go home and not come back until I had sobered up. But the joke was on him because I'd lost my keys when I was out drinking so I just passed out in someone else's cube for the rest of the day. So maybe you should stop drinking. And if that doesn't help, maybe you should start drinking.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
Recently I took a trip to Ireland and everyone I met there thought I was gay. Since I'm not actually gay, this bothered me. Is there anything I can do to keep this from happening the next time I take a trip?

Sincerely,
FM, New York

Dear FM,
This one night I was hanging out and one of my friends started talking about wine. Another friend shut him up real quick by telling him that only gay men know anything about wine. This, of course, is crazy, since anyone, gay or straight, can learn all about wine. They'll become a hopelessly boring jackass as they drone on and on about it over dinner, but knowledge about wine has nothing to do with sexual orientation. If you want to make sure this doesn't happen to you again, next time you take a trip stop trying to go down on every guy you meet and I guarantee you no one will think you're gay.

Uncle T

Dear Uncle T,
This week I saw that Pixar film The Incredibles, and Elastigirl gave me a warm and tingly feeling down deep in my underwear. Is that normal, or is there something wrong with me?

Sincerely,
RT, New York

Dear RT,
Let's think about this for a second. You're getting all hot and bothered over a cartoon woman. A woman who's not real. A woman, therefore, who you have exactly no chance at ever scoring with. And yet you prefer to pursue that rather than spending time with real women. Who, come to think of it, you also have exactly no chance at ever scoring with. Hmmm, this one's tougher than I thought.

Uncle T