birthday to you
happy birthday to you
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one too
yes, who can believe it was just a year ago today that the Treetop
Lounge first opened its doors? An entire year where no doubt
you've fallen in love, had babies, broken up, bought a killer sound
system, watched some really good porn, ate a bunch of ribs, had
a waffle or two, and basically lived your lives, all while the price
of gas has climbed to heights that probably scare the bejeezus out
of you every time you pass a pump, and the war in Iraq apparently
continues even though the President doesn't really want to talk
about it anymore, and your IQ points slip more and more quickly
to the single digit zone with each new reality show premiere. And
while all that was going on, some of you folks took the time to
stop by this little site and I tried to have something new to entertain
I'm not going to claim I updated this site nearly as often as I'd
planned, but still a steady stream of visitors dropped by even during
those long stretches last winter where this site had about as much
action as your underwear zone did back in high school. And before
you scoff and try to tell me you got plenty of action back then,
just skip it, pal, because I ain't buying. I've seen your high school
pictures, so I know what was going on, and you couldn't have filled
a Top Ten list with it. But you've been a loyal member of the Treetop
Lounge family, so I'm not going to judge you.
since it's been a year and I'm way too busy to make up a whole page
of new material, I figured it was time for that old TV classic --
the clip show. So you can pretend you, Skippy and Mallory are trapped
in the basement, or that you, Bobby and Greg are trapped in Sam's
meat locker, or that your husband Meathead has been offered a job
in California, whichever works for you, but the point is what we're
going to do is reminisce over the old times. You've probably seen
some of this content before, but unless you've haunted every damn
page of this site there's no way you've seen all of it. And so,
without further ado, let's get this birthday party started with
some blasts from the past...
|Viva Las Treetop
Lounge: The Treetop Lounge Editorial Board meets for
the official Treetop Lounge birthday party.
Pretend like you're about to experience the best, or worst, night of TV
ever with these entries from Pop
Stalin: Roots of Evil, History Channel: Hitler puts the H in
History, yo. And Stalin? He's only there because if you stand him
next to Hitler, Hitler looks almost well-adjusted in comparison. So
this is almost like the History Channel's version of The Odd Couple,
except Felix never killed millions of people.
Silver Anniversary Special, ESPN: Here's a chance for your wife
to meet the mistress you're always sneaking off with at 11 every night.
And the bonus? No ugly yelling and cursing in a bar. Get her to watch
with you and it's almost like a threesome. And be honest, this is
really as close to that as you're going to get. It's hard to believe
ESPN's been around 25 years. It sure feels like I've been sick of
Chris Berman's act for way longer than that.
HBO: Season Finale! Seriously, this show started,like, fucking yesterday!
And it's over already? Let me write an HBO show. My first season will
last 5 minutes and have a cliffhanger that I won't resolve for a year
and a half. See how they like that. This Entourage show should
suck, and it kind of does, but Kevin Dillon is hysterical, and you
know you'll be too lazy to change the channel after Six Feet Under
anyway, so you'll watch.
Hollywood , Discovery Health: Another reality show that pokes
fun at people who were once, due to no fault of their own, famous.
this one makes some faded stars lose some weight. Among the participants?
Erik Estrada. First some commercials, then The Surreal Life,
and now this. I swear this guy would amputate a limb if it got him
some screen time. Hmmm, maybe I can pitch that one to FOX.
FOX: Venus Flytrap Alert! Tim Reid appears as Hyde's long-lost biological
father. Hyde's white. Tim Reid's black. I'm sure wacky hijinks will
ensue. Don't they always?
NBC: On tonight's season premiere, scandal erupts when video of an
odd lump on the President's back appears all over the Internet, spawning
rumors that the President wears a wire to...oh, no, wait, that actually
happened. I have no idea what the show's about.
TV, The WB: I'd love to use this space to list all of the really
funny shows that have been cancelled too early over the last couple
of years while somehow this show has lasted more than one week. I'd
love to do that, but the Internet isn't big enough.
Here and Now, NBC: I'll be too busy starring in Tgreen:
Anywhere Else and Now to watch, but I hope some of you enjoy
& Fantasia: Home for Christmas, FOX: I'll be too busy starring
in Tgreen: Who the Fuck Are Those Three and Why Do They Get
a Christmas Special?!? to watch, but I hope some of you enjoy
it. Or maybe I'll be too busy starring in Tgreen: If you're
gonna do the exact same joke twice on one page at least try to space
them out a little.
HBO: Hugh Grant plays a slightly goofy British guy who goes through
several wacky hijinks before finding love in this movie. Although
I think I could've written that about almost anything he's ever been
in, so you're on your own. Try not to waste too much time imagining
him getting a hummer from that hooker in LA. It'll probably distract
you from Laura Linney's brief topless scene. Not that I watched that
scene 2 dozen times on DVD already. Because I didn't. I swear.
Pageant, NBC: A beauty pageant owned by Donald Trump himself.
Because he's such a fine specimen in his own right. I can't prove
this, but I'd be willing to bet that Trump bought this pageant as
a breeding ground for future mistresses, girlfriends and wives.
PBS: A documentary about Republican strategist Karl Rove. Given the
liberal slant of the average PBS viewer, this is the PBS equivalent
of a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.
NBC: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. I feel
fine because I won't be watching this Biblically-inspired miniseries
about the end times as laid out in the Book of Revelations. I'm not
passing on the show because it's about the Bible. No, I'm passing
on it because it stars Natascha McElhone as a nun. I happen to think
Natascha McElhone is pretty damn hot, and there's no way I'm watching
a 6-hour miniseries where I spend the whole time trying to explain
to myself why I'm not supposed to be staring at the hot chick.
And who can forget
these gems from Tgreen2004's Convention and Election coverage in the
p.m. -- I mentioned somewhere on the home page that the
updating for tomorrow and Wednesday will be kind of sporadic, since
I'll be out of town. However, if you choose to tune in to the convention
either of those days, might I suggest the unofficial DNC Drinking
Game? Any time someone says "Kerry," take a drink. Any
time someone says "purple hearts," take a drink. Any time
some delegate is shown dancing out of time to the music playing,
take two drinks. Any time they play a video of some past Democrat
you never heard of, take a drink. Any time they play a video of
some past Democrat you voted for, take two drinks. Any time someone
speaks Spanish, take a drink. Any time a celebrity turns up, take
a drink. If you hate that celebrity, take two drinks. Any time someone
mentions Vietnam, 9/11, or Florida 2000, take 2 drinks. Any time
they show one of those video speeches by "regular" Americans
just like you and me, except they can't read their cue cards too
well and come off looking like hostages on tape, take 3 drinks.
Any time someone mentions health care, take a drink and hope to
God you have it.
p.m. -- Clintons, baby! First Hillary came out, accepted
the nomination to run as the Democratic Candidate in 2004, then
had it broken to her that she was not, in fact, in the running
for the job and instead was supposed to be introducing her husband,
and then after a bit of pouting and some confusion as to who this
husband was that they were referring to, she got on with her speech.
She started it by teasing me and saying she was practically speechless.
But somehow she overcame it. Holy crap, how much plastic surgery
has Chelsea Clinton had?!? I'm afraid that my TV, which already
had to record Ryan Seacrest today, is not happy with so much Hillary
Clinton on the same day. I really want to bust on these Democrats
for relying so much on 9/11 as a topic, but seeing as how the
Republicans chose New York as close to the 9/11 anniversary as
they could, I guess I have to give these folks a pass. I'm glad
to see Hillary is so concerned with the safety of New York from
terrorism, but I shouldn't be surprised since she's been living
here for so long now.
And now, Bill
Clinton himself. He strolled out, hugged his wife, she checked
his collar for lipstick, and then Bill was on. The crowd went
wild. I was waiting for Bill to walk down to the crowd and start
wiping his forehead with handkerchiefs and handing them out like
Elvis used to. Interesting that Clinton referred to himself as
a foot soldier in the fight for the future, since he passed on
his previous chance to be a foot soldier. Clinton called for a
positive campaign, because who knows better how messy it can get
when politics goes below the belt? He said we're trying to develop
2 new nuclear weapons that we could use first. Oh shit, guess
I won't be sleeping tonight, what with the thought of W with a
couple new nukes in his hands. For a second I thought maybe Bill
had forgotten the point of his speech and decided to run himself,
but then he got back on track. Probably because he saw the adoring
looks in the eyes of every woman they showed in the audience.
Once Bill's speech was over, he dropped to one knee, some delegates
rushed out and covered him with a cape, then helped him off stage
through a hail of bedroom keys. Someone's getting laid tonight,
and it probably isn't Hillary.
-- So that Republican youth conference? They had a mini riot today.
And no, it had nothing to do with Jenna Bush having trouble getting
a fresh apple martini delivered to the podium. Apparently some AIDS
activists found a way to sneak in and then, once the speeches started,
they ripped off their shirts to reveal protest signs, and they started
blowing whistles. Figures the most interesting thing that's gonna
happen at this convention doesn't get televised. I did see some
video of the incident, and my favorite scene was when one of the
Republican youth kicked this female protestor after the Secret Service
knocked her to the ground. Dick Cheney would be proud.
-- Okay, Now that I've seen Pataki's speech, I'm 20 times more embarrassed
to come from New York than I ever thought I'd be. How the fuck did
we elect this guy 3 fucking times? It's bad enough he has less personality
in his entire body than Giuliani had in his combover, but he actually
stole one of Giuliani's lines from his speech. Holy crap. And any
time he strayed within 100 yards of a punchline, it sounded like
something from Leno's show. Which, as you might imagine, is not
high praise. He did mention al Qaeda, though, which is the first
time I can remember hearing that name all week. I'm glad someone
remembered who we're supposed to be fighting. It only took four
days. Dammit. I'd faint dead away if Osama bin Laden's name got
mentioned at this convention. It's obvious Pataki wants higher office
than governor of NY. He'd go down on Dick Cheney right up on stage
if it would get him enough votes to be president. Wow, he just said
that after 9/11 box cutters count as weapons of mass destruction.
Fuck, I hope the UN doesn't come by my apartment. I'd fail that
inspection. Again, 9/11 was a terrible day. Worst event I've ever
seen. The Republicans don't own it, and I wish they'd figure that
out. Man, if Pataki's got me this pissed off, what the hell is W
going to do? Man, this Pataki is just a hack. Always has been. Always
will be. How did we elect him 3 times. Stop the madness!
They're fighting over absentee ballots in Pennsylvania and Ohio.
Man, I hope they don't find out I voted, like, 25 times this morning.
They're also saying that the majority of young, first-time voters
are going strong for John Kerry. Of course, because George W. Bush
is too much like the college roommate who constantly left his empties
all over the floor and who they were happy as hell to finally leave
behind. And also, Kerry sounds more like their dad and they're kind
of afraid to vote against him. I wonder how Hawaii will end up voting,
since Dick Cheney was just out there the last 2 days. Perhaps he
was setting up a new undisclosed location in case they win another
4 years and W decides to bomb Europe. And they just announced Florida
is also "too close to call." Or, as the Republicans call
it, "in the bag."
-- And we're down to this...
Top Ten Ways To Make Election Night Coverage More Interesting:
10. Make candidates sit in room full of bees while waiting for
9. Electric shock all news anchors whenever they say "too
close to call"
8. Let Bill Clinton host a Clinton After Dark election
7. Find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
6. Change red states and blue states to cherry and blueberry states
and hand out the appropriate Pop Tarts every time a state is won
5. Steel Cage Death match between VP candidates
4. Give Dan Rather an animated horse sidekick
3. Have all living former Presidents on hand to mock the current
candidates while they watch highlights from the campaign
2. Seriously, find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
1. Give us some real candidates to vote for
-- It looks like everyone's given Florida to Bush now. He's got
a big lead. This one really might come down to Ohio. Fucking Ohio.
And since so far it seems every state has gone the same way it
did last time, and so therefore there's not much reason to think
Ohio will be different this time. So we could be looking at a
replay of 2000 but without the fun, let's-drag-it-out-for-two-months
stuff from that year. Uh-oh, it looks like Pete Coors lost in
Colorado. No Coors Twins for me. This evening is not turning out
too well for me so far. What's next?
Top Ten Things That Could Be Next:
10. Bush Twins stop by with some Coors, but won't share with me
9. Repeat from 2000 continues indefinitely, leading to second
9/11, opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to become an even bigger dick
8. Dick Cheney cuts my hand off with his lightsaber
7. My two IRA accounts turn out to have a bunch of Enron shares
6. Bush decides to invade Iraq again and do it right this time
5. Hillary Clinton announces for 2008 tomorrow
4. Bush advisor Karen Hughes swings by, tells me she likes my
work, asks me to touch her in the bathing suit area
3. John Kerry continues to travel the country delivering his stump
speech in camo gear
2. Michael Moore makes 20 more movies about Bush to make it even
harder for me to avoid them all
1. English language modified to include "nucular," "strategery,"
-- I think I could do without hearing how important bloggers have
been in this election cycle. Being a shut-in with an Internet connection
doesn't make you any more interesting or important than anyone else.
And no, this is not a blog. This, as should be clear, is a horrible
trainwreck that intended to be funny but which went off the tracks
hours ago. So bloggers, go away. Though I'd take the bloggers if
it meant we could avoid the army of lawyers no doubt red-eyeing
their way to Ohio as I type this. This is just on the possibility
that there will be some litigation (and I'm afraid if I type that
word three times in a row I'll have a room full of lawyers suddenly
appear here). Imagine if, in an hour or two, there's actual proof
of some kind of vote count that needs litigation. There could be
a lawyer shortage in the rest of the country. Ambulances will go
unchased. Mobsters will go unmouthpieced. It'll be anarchy. But
I wonder who will all these lawyers bill if it turns out there's
no need in Ohio for litigation. Oh, no, I typed it three times!
No, there are lawyers everywhere. No! No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
And how about these
pearls of wisdom from Uncle
I was at a block party last week and I woke up the next morning
in a strange bed with a hot dog stuffed down the front of my underwear.
What do I do?
Whatever you do, don't eat the hot dog. Other than that, you're
on your own, pal.
One of my testicles is larger than the other. Is this a problem?
Well, no two parts of the human body are exactly the same size.
It's like, have you ever gotten a woman into bed and grabbed onto
her boobs and found that one fit nicely into your hand and one
maybe spilled out a little bit? Either one of her boobs was bigger
than the other or one of your hands is smaller than the other
(which might explain why you're the only one who uses the word
"mighty" when describing whatever the hell is going
on down there in your underwear zone). But really, if it's a slight
size difference that never changes, chances are it's no big deal
(which, be honest with old Uncle T here, isn't the first time
you've heard the term "no big deal" when talking about
the old underwear zone). Now if one of those bad boys is the size
of a ping pong ball and the other is the size of a Christmas ham,
or one is the size of a raisin and the other has offered to split
the rent with you next month, then you might want to get that
checked out. Now stop playing with your balls while surfing my
And of course, there's
always the calming comfort of the Beach Report:
could this boardwalk be leading? A hot cheerleader party? A band
of thieves looking to swipe your iPod? Hidden pirate's booty?
A vegan barbecue? A nude beach? A Michael Jackson beach party?
Who knows? Who cares? Wherever it leads, it's probably more fun
than where you're sitting right now. Just look out that window.
Was that a snowflake? Was it? It could have been. You can never
tell. That could have been a snowflake right outside your window.
See any snowflakes in this picture? I thought not. Now get back
to work and quit giggling that I wrote "pirate's booty"
up there. What are you, 12?
have to admit I don't do much of the frolicking myself, but I'm
almost positive this is what it looks like. Don't you wish you
could be frolicking right now? Wouldn't it be fun? You could grab
your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, pack a picnic lunch, bring
along a bottle of champagne, score some weapons-grade heroin,
drive on down to the beach and have a good old fashioned frolic.
But instead you're stuck at the office counting the moments until
your idiot boss starts whistling that tuneless tune of his, until
the day you charge into the office with an automatic weapon and
put an end to that infernal sound once and for all. Oh, yeah.
Who doesn't enjoy
the wacky hijinks over at Greetings
And let's not forget
everyone's old favorite, Happy
New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey is gay and has to resign from
his job. Can't we get George Pataki to even flirt with some guy?!?
Is that really asking too much? Come on, one of you guys in the
audience, slip on a pair of tight jeans and drive up to Albany
week Senator Ted Kennedy explained that for several months his
name was on the "no fly" list the government uses to
catch terrorists. I don't know about you, but if I decided I absolutely
had to ban Ted Kennedy from a mode of transportation, I don't
think airplanes would be my first choice.
new study revealed that people who are in bad moods have better
memories than people who are in happier moods. And in a related
story, I just remembered where I was when JFK got shot, despite
the fact that it happened about 5 years before I was born.
should give you some idea as to what kind of mood I'm in today.
Top Ten Ways To Simulate next week's RNC:
10. Give $100 to some rich guy
9. Dodge a draft
8. Break every promise you ever made, but accuse one of your rivals
7. Start a war with some ass-backward region with a leader everyone's
trying to get rid of...like, say, New Jersey, for example
6. Promise not to leave your child behind, but then go somewhere
and, well, leave your child behind
5. Get drunk, get high, sleep around, cheat on your wife, and
don't worry about the consequences...as long as you're under 40,
because you're just a kid who doesn't know any better
4. Hate a Clinton (and no, it doesn't matter which one)
3. Send another thank you card to Florida
2. Find as many ways as possible to use the 9/11 attacks for your
1. Give another $100 to some rich guy
Friends spinoff Joey premiered on NBC this
week, causing two deaths and as much as $10 billion in destruction.
wait, sorry, that's not right. That last part belonged in the
Hurricane Frances story. Joey didn't kill anything. Except
Matt LeBlanc's hopes for a career a couple of years from now.
science news, a report issued this week identified a new gene
that links alcoholism to depression. Scientists hope that by studying
the gene, dubbed the "Hey Poindexter, Any George Jones Song
Could've Told You The Same Fucking Thing" gene, they can
find ways to spot people who are at risk of suffering either disease
in time to treat them.
After 25 years,
Barbara Walters retired this Friday from the ABC newsmagazine
20/20, which by coincidence was the number of pies Star
Jones ate at the retirement party.
Bush gave a speech to a National Guard group this week, though
CBS anchorman Dan Rather claims he has documents that say otherwise.
One successfully completed its second trip into space within a
week, thereby winning a $10 million prize and taking us one step
closer to being able to give Donald Trump a one-way ticket to
A fire on
a Canadian submarine killed one sailor and put two others in the
hospital, prompting millions of Americans to exclaim, "Canada
has a submarine?!?"
of a barrel of oil briefly rose to $53 a barrel this week, forcing
Vice President Cheney to call his doctor due to worries over one
of those four-hour erections the commercials are all warning us
Chapman, the man who killed John Lennon, has a parole hearing
this week. Imagine there's no chance he'll get a parole. It's
easy if you try.
Top Ten Ways To Survive the Hockey Lockout:
10. Take advantage of extra time to plan a nice vacation for June,
when the hockey playoffs typically keep you at home...ask any
New York Rangers fan for a list of good places to go in June
9. Become a NASCAR fan, because sure, NASCAR doesn't have as many
fights as hockey, but it has at least as many mullets
8. Update your porn collection
7. Find ways to incorporate the phrase "Potvin sucks!"
into your everyday conversation
6. Find the only other sport in the world that involves lots of
ice and a disk...that's right, Curling!
5. Use your extra time to really talk to your wife or husband
for the first time in...oh, okay, seriously, just dig out your
tapes from the last time your team won the Stanley Cup (Islander
fans may need to dust off their old Betamax players in order to
4. Ice down your front walk, plant yourself by the front window
with a case of Labatts, and shout obscenities at everyone who
3. Get addicted to the Presidential debates, because sure, the
debates don't have as much action as hockey, but President Bush
mangles the English language at least as badly as your typical
2. Cross-check anyone who stands between you and the last seat
in the subway car
1. Just decide to follow whatever other major sport gets as little
coverage on ESPN as hockey does, like for example...er, uh, well,
hmmm....there's gotta be one, right?
New York senior citizens held a rally at City Hall to protest
cutbacks to the Meals on Wheels program that now delivers frozen
meals and not freshly prepared meals to their homes. Well, actually
it was less a protest than a couple of old folks who kind of wandered
over by mistake because they were sure they were on line for a
Count Basie concert, but they got their point across anyway.
A new study
indicates that a glass of red wine a day can help lower the risk
of lung cancer by as much as 13%. The study also confirms that
drinking 7.7 glasses of wine a day will not help lower the risk
of lung cancer by 100%, but it could dramatically increase the
risk of waking up in bed with that creep from Accounting by at
Gibson lashed out at a California bond measure designed to raise
money for embryonic stem cell research, which he considers unethical.
In an interview on Good Morning America, Gibson asked,
“Why do I, as a taxpayer, have to fund something I believe
is unethical?” thus proving that Conservative celebrities
are no more qualified to set policy than Liberal celebrities.
Though if Gibson really wants an answer to his question, he could
always consult with the 50-or-so% of Americans who are against
the war in Iraq but are sadly not famous enough to complain about
paying for it on an ABC talk show.
Hillary Clinton was at the State of the Union, which was maybe
a little bit of a surprise since she fainted while giving a speech
earlier in the week. And there's absolutely no truth to the rumor
that Bill Clinton tried to have her declared legally dead as soon
as she hit the floor.
think, though, that Hillary was the first woman to ever drop to
the floor who didn't need to have the former President surgically
removed a few seconds later.
weekend the first wave of toy tie-ins to Star Wars: Revenge
of the Sith go on sale at stores across the country. Among
the things you'll be able to see if you visit your local Wal Mart
toy section this Saturday are: "Mace Windu with lightsaber-slashing
action", "Emperor Palpatine with dark-side-power action",
and "Local Star Wars geek with die-a-virgin action".
what you're unlikely to see is "George Lucas with coherent-narrative-writing
To: Tom Cruise
Re: Katie Holmes
not buying it.
Hugs and Kisses,
The NYPD announced
this week it will begin random searches of people entering the
subway system in order to make the subways more secure. People
who refuse to submit to a search will be denied entry to the system.
The NYPD isn't saying exactly what it will be looking for during
these searches, but I know one thing they won't find is anyone
carrying some extra deodorant into the subway system.
scientists announced they've produced the world's first cloned
dog, Snuppy, an Afghan hound. Lead scientist Hwang Woo-suk said
Snuppy was happy, healthy, and oh so delicious.
you have it, folks, a year in the life of the Treetop Lounge.
There's plenty of other sections that didn't get highlighted here,
so feel free to roam the site and check them out as well. Thanks
so much for stopping by this year, and I hope you continue to
do so on a regular basis. And hey, while you're at it, tell your
friends to stop by too. And why not make a stop at the Treetop
Lounge Store before you
leave? It couldn't hurt.
I'm not going
to lie to you and tell you I've got all kinds of big plans for
year two, because I'm pretty much making it up as I go along.
But if you laughed at anything you read on this page today, then
you won't regret coming back here this year. I mean, you won't
regret it any more than you already do.
is Everywhere" green