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December 31, 2009

So, another year is over, and as midnight approaches you're most likely sitting somewhere surrounded by strangers, adult beverage locked in a death grip to keep yourself company, wondering just how 2009 got away from you, and worried that if you blink, you're gonna find yourself in the same spot with the same adult beverage wondering the same thing about 2010. At this point you're gonna need something familiar to cling to, some comfortable old friend who will remind you that it's gonna be aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright. And that's where old Uncle T steps in. Not me specifically, because I'm about as comforting as some bottom-shelf tequila mixed with Tabasco, but rather, some Top Ten (or so) lists, that are always comforting because they just recycle the same punchlines from the last 14 years, so it's not like your brain gets a big workout. So while you're rattling the ice cubes around in your glass to make it look like you're still engaged with the rest of the world, why not take a quick look back at 2009? Maybe you'll even be able to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went off the rails for you. Stranger things have happened, as you'll see when you take a look at...

Tgreen's Top Ten Awkward Moments At Obama's Inauguration:
10. Realized halfway through that no one had explained to George Bush that he had to go back to Texas when it was all over
9. Bill Clinton asked if he could just duck into the Oval Office bathroom for a few seconds
8. Fox News' Special Report, The Obama Presidency, A Study in Failure, aired a half hour before the swearing-in even started
7. Spent nearly an hour wiping off all of Keith Olbermann's drool
6. Thomas Jefferson's ghost made numerous attempts to hook up with Mrs. Obama
5. White House power shorted out by feedback from Dick Cheney's secret death ray
4. Forced to stop in middle of first Inaugural Ball dance to break up fight over whether he's a socialist or a fascist
3. Inaugural motorcade interrupted by Dick Cheney's secret ninjas
2. First hour in Oval Office spent listening to Hillary Clinton's explanation of how it was still not too late to dump Biden for her
1. Chemical spill in White House basement accidentally destroyed secret army of Dick Cheney clones

Of course, Obama wasn't the only political story of 2009. Sarah Palin continued her drive toward 2012 by writing a memoir that immediately shot to the top of the bestseller lists. There were immediate concerns that the book wasn't 100% accurate, as you'll see by checking...

Tgreen's Top Ten Reasons To Question The Validity Of Sarah Palin's Memoir:
10. First five pages of biography appear to have been lifted from a book about President Lincoln, with only the names changed
9. Chapter on foreign policy experience includes four different French fry recipies
8. Section on everything she plans to accomplish as governor of Alaska hastily whited out
7. Even with a year to think about it, still lists Bazooka Joe comics as her major source for news
6. Among things she trashes John McCain for is "did lousy job of picking VP nominee"
5. Every anecdote about life on the campaign trail ends with a moose getting killed -- even the one that takes place in Hawaii
4. Continues to ignore George Bush's friend requests on Facebook
3. Refuses to apologize for giving Levi Johnston his 15 minutes of fame
2. Claims first anti-crime campaign she ever launched when she was mayor was against the Hamburglar
1. Her list of favorite movies includes Caddyshack II and Ernest Goes to Jail

But it wasn't all inaugurations and bestsellers in 2009. No, we had some national tragedies to deal with too. Like the whole Michael Jackson thing. Not that his death was as much a tragedy as something everyone had been expecting for at least a decade. But the way he was instantly turned from sort-of-creepy old dude who'd been riding the goodwill from Thriller for more than 2 decades into national hero was tragic yet completely expected. Which brings us to...

Tgreen's Top Ten Highlights of Michael Jackson's Funeral:
10. It was the most lifelike he'd looked since at least 1992
9. Coffin needed a sidecar for all his old noses that were buried with him
8. Tribute by children who visited Neverland over the years and weren't touched inappropriately was understandably short
7. Finally gave Tito a chance to prove to the world that he's still alive
6. Forced MTV to play more than 3 videos in a row for the first time in a decade
5. Fans were able to vote on favorite Jackson album, favorite Jackson song, and favorite Jackson skin tone
4. Joe Jackson set new record for fastest transition from "Where Are They Now?" list to "Yeah, Still A Douche" list
3. Gave Emmanuel Lewis some much-needed screen time
2. Slash probably got some royalties from all the new sales of Black & White, which means he made more money off that than Axl Rose made off the last Guns 'n Roses album
1. Proposed afterlife duet with Elvis called off due to fact that Elvis is still alive

Now, if you want to talk about tragedies from 2009, you don't have to look past the Fall TV schedule. Talk about a nightmare of "President Palin" proportions. It's like every network executive took every opportunity to make every possible mistake, and then put it on the air for us to watch. Did they finally go too far? Can network television possibly get any worse? See what you think after reading...

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways Network Television Could Still Get Worse:
10. Law & Order: Jay Leno Division
9. Celebrity Twister, starring Betty White
8. The Newshour with Paris Hilton
7. Survivor: Newark
6. Love Boat: The Next Generation: The Next Generation
5. Celebrity Rehab, Muppets Edition
4. Kelsey Grammar in, Nope, Still Not Playing Frasier Crane, But Please Watch For A Couple Of Weeks Anyway
3. AfterScrubs (oh wait, that's one of Tgreen's Top Ten Ways Network Television Has Already Gotten Worse)
2. Man vs Food vs Kelly Ripa
1. XFL Classics

And if you thought TV was bad, the Internet was even worse. There are actually, if you can believe this, people who think that they can slap together a page of poorly-thought-out Top Ten Lists and call it entertainment. Fortunately for all of us, more often than not they run out of time before they can really do damage to our psyches. Just imagine the horror if we'd been subjected to...

Tgreen's Top Ten Top Ten Lists That Might Have Appeared Here Today If I Hadn't Gone Out To Lunch:
10. Top Ten Movies Based On Comic Books Nobody Remembers
9. Top Ten Things William Shatner Says After Sex
8. Top Ten Ways Your Boss Is Screwing You Even When You're Not In The Office
7. Top Ten Episodes of According to Jim
6. Top Ten Obama One-Liners On Fox News
5. Top Ten Rosie O'Donnell Sex Tapes
4. Top Ten Other Wars Dick Cheney Tried To Start
3. Top Ten Soups That Are Orange
2. Top Ten People Having A Better New Year's Eve Than You
1. Top Ten Lunches To Buy Tgreen To Keep Him From Writing Any More Top Ten Lists For Awhile

But you know, New Year's Eve isn't all about looking back. No, it's a good time to look forward, to make resolutions, to figure out how to be better next year than you were last year. It's also a time to take stock of your possesions and figure out how to cram even more junk into your house next year. Which brings us to...

Tgreen's Top Five Products You Know You'll Buy When They Go On Sale In 2010:
Chocodiles Throwback
RockBand Elvis!
Kit Kat Bacon
Charlie Sheen's Slap Chop

And that's it for 2009. See some of you back here in January for more of the same. Hope you all had a good 2009, and that 2010 has nothing but good stuff for you. As the man said, "here's to the new year. Let's hope it's a damn sight better than the old one."

T "have I said Happy New Year to you yet?" green  

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