Security Alert System

Your Guide to the Treetop Lounge Security Alert Advisory System

Here at the Treetop Lounge we want to make sure every visitor feels secure and safe, and to do so we're going to give everyone the chance to gauge Tgreen's mood, and therefore the mood of the entire site. The Treetop Lounge is proud to present its own color-coded Alert System. This Alert System will let you know what you can expect as soon as you come to our home page, at which point you can decide whether it's a good idea to check out the latest content or if it wouldn't be better to just move on along to your next stop. We can't think of a better way to show our appreciation to you, our loyal audience (at least one that doesn't involve hookers and huge piles of cash).

End of Days: If you ever see this, just turn around and run away. You don't want to see what comes next. It will be profane. It will be ugly. It will be the end. We'll just see you at our next website, whatever that might be. Possible events that might bring on an End of Days Alert? You'll know it when you see it.

Severe: This is bad news, and it's almost guaranteed that cuss words and adult beverages are involved. Proceed with caution, as no one's really safe from abuse at this level. Should you walk away from the site feeling abused, violated, or worse, don't say we didn't warn you. Possible events that might bring on a Severe Level Alert include George W. Bush getting re-elected, John Kerry getting elected, Donald Trump's show getting picked up for another 5 seasons, official word that there will never, ever, be a BJ and the Bear DVD boxed set, or Whoopi Goldberg flashing her tits during the Super Bowl.

High: You'll probably wish you were high if we reach this Alert Level. It would make the jokes funnier, at any rate, and some of the site's content might make more sense. But we're not gonna help you get high, so you'll want to keep your guard up. You probably won't get caught in the crossfire of whatever's pissed Tgreen off, but keep your mouth shut just to be sure. Possible events that might bring on a High Level Alert include the Mets dropping a key series to some shitty team from the National League Central, car troubles, ceiling troubles, writer's block, any pop music and most of the ABC, CW, and NBC schedules.

Elevated: Expect to see this Alert Level a lot, as there are so many things that can set it off it might as well be the site's default Alert Setting. Too many commercials in a row on the radio that morning? Elevated Alert. Not enough milk for breakfast cereal? Elevated Alert. Shorts too tight? Elevated Alert. Some stupid cable movie has Heather Graham tied down on a kitchen table and somehow manages to not get her naked? Elevated Alert. Or is that High Alert? Too close to call. There's not much to do at this Alert Level but stay out of the way and hope you're not the one who caused it.

Guarded: This Alert Level only exists because Tgreen's trying really, really hard to be on his best behavior the first few weeks of this site's existence. Plus it's good to have an Alert Level to switch to whenever Tgreen gives out the URL to some new girl he's trying to impress so that she doesn't think he's some crazy, pissed-off maniac. (Hey, baby, I'm just a normal guy who doesn't get any angrier than anyone else in this crazy old world of ours. I don't even know who writes all this crap. So seriously, let's go out Friday night.) Possible events that might bring on a Guarded Level Alert? Birds singing. Children laughing. Sun shining. Tangerine trees. Marshmallow skies. In other words, don't expect to see this Alert Level too often.

Low: We don't know anything about this Alert Level because as far as we can tell, it's never happened. We were contractually obligated to provide six Alert Levels, though, and so this is number six. You don't need to know anything more about this Alert Level because you will most likely never see it outside of laboratory conditions.