Decision? 2004

6:00 p.m. -- Late start today, but that's largely because I had to do my civic duty and vote, just like I hope all of you folks did. Unless you're so fed up that you'd just go down to the polls and write in the late Richard Nixon. Because I already took care of that for you. When I got to the polls I was handed a "Dubya we Luvya" pamphlet. So much for monitoring this election. I waited on line for nearly an hour, and I'd like to thank the 18-year-old girl who practically smacked me in the face with her breasts as she left the place, because that was the most awesome thing that's ever happened to me on Election Day. Unless, of course, she wasn't 18 and was only there with her mom. Then it wasn't so awesome after all, and was actually kind of creepy. (Totally awesome.) So far I haven't found one news agency willing to offer even the hint of an opinion yet. Can you tell they're scared as hell of another 2000? This could be a really slow night until the votes start getting counted. Apparently there was a little embarrassment in Boston today when Senator John Kerry needed 3 tries before he decided who he wanted to vote for. And in Crawford, Texas, President Bush bragged that he was positive his vote would count because he colored in the whole box with his crayon and didn't go outside the lines once. If things don't get interesting by 9, I'm busting out some Canadian beer and Irish whiskey. God help us all.

7:30 p.m. -- Right now Bush is up 39 Electoral votes to 3, and I believe Fox News has just called the election for him. So congratulations, George W. Bush, that means I don't have to care about any more election coverage and can go watch Veronica Mars on UPN instead. Oh, wait, no, it's Fox News. They called the election for Bush 3 weeks ago, so I guess I'm gonna have to pay attention. I have it on good authority that President Bush called some local country radio station in Pennsylvania today, asking everyone to go out and vote. I wonder if he also requested a song as well. Maybe a little Folsom Prison Blues for his buddies at Enron. Or maybe not. MSNBC just announced that Ohio is "too close to call" with 0% of the vote in. What the fuck did they expect with 0% of the vote in? And so is North Carolina with 0% in. Damn, maybe they didn't learn anything from 2000. Or if they did, they think we'd rather hear "too close to call" all night. We don't.

8:00 p.m. -- They're fighting over absentee ballots in Pennsylvania and Ohio. Man, I hope they don't find out I voted, like, 25 times this morning. They're also saying that the majority of young, first-time voters are going strong for John Kerry. Of course, because George W. Bush is too much like the college roommate who constantly left his empties all over the floor and who they were happy as hell to finally leave behind. And also, Kerry sounds more like their dad and they're kind of afraid to vote against him. I wonder how Hawaii will end up voting, since Dick Cheney was just out there the last 2 days. Perhaps he was setting up a new undisclosed location in case they win another 4 years and W decides to bomb Europe. And they just announced Florida is also "too close to call." Or, as the Republicans call it, "in the bag."

8:30 p.m. -- I haven't done it yet but at some point tonight I guess I'm gonna have to tune in to Dan Rather for a couple of minutes to see how crazy he is tonight. I'll save it for later though. Let things get a little more confusing first. Maybe if things look bad for Kerry, Dan will forge some more documents to make Bush look bad. As if you need forged documents to do that. What the hell was CBS thinking? This past Sunday they ran a story on 60 Minutes that was all about poorly-equipped our soldiers in Iraq are. It was pretty devastating, but really if anyone saw it, it was because they were tuning in to watch the segment on Ashlee Simpson's lip synching. I'm going to assume that Dan Rather didn't fly over to Iraq and build the sad wooden shields some soldiers have to put on their Humvees because the President didn't get them any armor yet. But there's always a chance that he did. I also haven't checked out Russert on NBC yet, because I'm in no mood to see his stupid little whiteboard. Why the hell isn't Amy Robach on my TV right now? As much fun as it is to wake up with Amy, I bet it would be just as much fun to go to sleep with her. (Oh, how I wish.)

9:00 p.m. -- This just in...President Bush won in Texas. Oh, wait, that's no news flash. Pennsylvania is still "too close to call." That's no news flash. My satellite box just reset itself. That's no news flash, but probably a sign that some Republican satellite is about to broadcast W's acceptance speech or something. Why am I not watching Veronica Mars right now? She's cuter and sexier than anyone I'm gonna see tonight. Hmmm, no W speech yet. I guess the satellite thing was just a glitch and not part of some evil conspiracy. We'll see if the conspiracy reveals itself later tonight. And man, I hope that's the only thing that reveals itself. I don't need to see Chris Matthews revealing a damn thing. Hey, George Clooney's dad lost the race he was in. I wonder if George will give him a guest spot in Oceans 13 as a consolation prize.

9:30 p.m. -- I wonder if President Clinton's asked for a job if Kerry wins. I heard he wanted to be Ambassador to Paradise Island, but then they told him that place only existed in Wonder Woman comics, so I'm not sure if he ever came up with a second choice. And I figure if Bush wins, Giuliani might be looking for a job. Could they really give him the job of America's Mayor? Would that mean he could go around to any town in the country and be a total dick for a week? He'd be good at that. I wonder what job they might give President Bush in a second Bush administration.

10:00 p.m. -- And we're down to this...

Tgreen's Top Ten Ways To Make Election Night Coverage More Interesting:
10. Make candidates sit in room full of bees while waiting for the results
9. Electric shock all news anchors whenever they say "too close to call"
8. Let Bill Clinton host a Clinton After Dark election show
7. Find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
6. Change red states and blue states to cherry and blueberry states and hand out the appropriate Pop Tarts every time a state is won
5. Steel Cage Death match between VP candidates
4. Give Dan Rather an animated horse sidekick
3. Have all living former Presidents on hand to mock the current candidates while they watch highlights from the campaign
2. Seriously, find some way to get Heather Graham on screen
1. Give us some real candidates to vote for

10:30 p.m. -- So Ralph Nader has apparently gotten fewer votes than he did 4 years ago. In fact, I think right now he's running behind "Undecided" and the statistical error. And, possibly, write-ins for Mickey Mouse and Hitler. Poor Ralph. But I believe he has plans to run again in 2008, his thinking being that if he can somehow manage to get a negative number of votes, we'll slingshot around the sun and end up back in the year 2000, where he can throw more money into his campaign in Florida to guarantee a win there. Or something like that. Someone's obviously watched too much Star Trek too late at night. And I guess that someone's me. So far everyone's still too scared to make a bold prediction on Florida or Pennsylvania. I need to find out how Peter Coors did in his Senate run. I'm pretty sure I've indirectly helped finance his campaign, though mostly when I'm dating someone who drinks Coors Light, since that is way down on my list of beers to drink any other time. But still, some of my money might send this clown to Congress. Can he arrange to have the Coors Light Twins drop by my place for an evening if he wins? Woo hoo!

11:00 p.m. -- Numbers just came in that suggest the youth vote, which everyone including Puff Daddy (or whatever the fuck he's calling himself) courted this fall, was much lower than expected. Like it's a surprise that no more young people voted this year than in 2000? Come on, if you want to get a kid to vote for anything, you've gotta call it American Idol. And you've probably gotta let William Hung sing something at some point during the season. Otherwise, you're out of luck. The day someone manages to figure out how to include voting for the President into a future iteration of the Grand Theft Auto game series, then you'll get a youth vote. Pennsylvania apparently went for Kerry, though. So one "swing" state for Kerry. At least 2 big ones still to go. Is it possible this election could come down to Ohio? Should I check Russert's whiteboard to find out for sure? He had it before. It looked kind of blue, but I didn't watch for long so that could've been a trick of the light. And I did finally tune in to Rather. While he wasn't actually making shit up, I couldn't watch him for more than a couple of minutes. I don't know if it was him or the well-preserved Leslie Stahl that chased me away, but I didn't linger. Ooh, only 8 Electoral Votes separate the candidates right now. This could be a long night.

11:30 p.m. -- And we're still close, 207-199, Bush. This is still nothing like 2000. Didn't they give Florida to each guy and then take it away like a dozen times by 11:30 at night? No one's even had Florida yet tonight. Not even for a minute. Speaking of Florida, I saw earlier that Katherine Harris won her election earlier tonight. Anything that keeps her from counting chads (oh God, I hope we don't need to count chads again) is okay with me. Something needs to happen soon, though. These news people are gonna start nodding off if they can't call a state soon. Kerry might decide to concede, then decide not to concede. Bush might start to get cranky, since this is way past his bedtime. And Cheney's gonna need to go into his regeneration chamber soon, just like all Dark Lords of the Sith. So come on, someone call another state! What's Clinton up to tonight? Someone get him on TV. Don't make me bail on this crap and watch my recording of Veronica Mars. I'll do it. I swear.

12:00 a.m. -- Well, Dan Rather listened to me and called Florida. Called it for Bush. So far I don't think anyone else has, but Fox News was on the brink if they didn't. I've been up and down the dial (baby, if you've ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me) and can't find the same number in any 2 spots (other than MSNBC and NBC, for obvious reasons). Some of the numbers are way, way different. I have to wonder what the hell everyone out there is smoking, then. And I also have to wonder where my share is. I refuse to stay up all night like I did last time. There's no reason for that. Unless MSNBC brings out Amy Robach, just to help me get through those rough, late night hours. But really, at what point do all our networks agree? Is it possible this will slip to tomorrow or the next day? This is just like some of those ALCS extra innings games, except without the excitement or Tim McCarver kissing Derek Jeter's ass. Whoa, MSNBC now has it 207-206 Bush. Whereas Fox News has it 1,000-4 Bush. They'll never figure this out.

12:30 a.m. -- It looks like everyone's given Florida to Bush now. He's got a big lead. This one really might come down to Ohio. Fucking Ohio. And since so far it seems every state has gone the same way it did last time, and so therefore there's not much reason to think Ohio will be different this time. So we could be looking at a replay of 2000 but without the fun, let's-drag-it-out-for-two-months stuff from that year. Uh-oh, it looks like Pete Coors lost in Colorado. No Coors Twins for me. This evening is not turning out too well for me so far. What's next?

Tgreen's Top Ten Things That Could Be Next:
10. Bush Twins stop by with some Coors, but won't share with me
9. Repeat from 2000 continues indefinitely, leading to second 9/11, opportunity for Rudy Giuliani to become an even bigger dick
8. Dick Cheney cuts my hand off with his lightsaber
7. My two IRA accounts turn out to have a bunch of Enron shares in them
6. Bush decides to invade Iraq again and do it right this time
5. Hillary Clinton announces for 2008 tomorrow
4. Bush advisor Karen Hughes swings by, tells me she likes my work, asks me to touch her in the bathing suit area
3. John Kerry continues to travel the country delivering his stump speech in camo gear
2. Michael Moore makes 20 more movies about Bush to make it even harder for me to avoid them all
1. English language modified to include "nucular," "strategery," and "unpossible"

1:00 a.m. -- Somehow Cleveland is now the hot spot. I've been to Cleveland. No offense to Cleveland, but it makes me a little bit uncomfortable if Cleveland is the place the ends up deciding who the next President is. And it looks like they went for Bush. A couple of stations have him at 269 right now with a bunch of states still up in the air. And the ones that don't have him at 269 have him close. Will Ohio switch back? Will Dan Rather take it back like he took back Florida in 2000? Will Bush and Cheney have to move all their lawyers prepared to steal the election in Florida all the way up to Ohio? Will Bush announce yet another war if they don't take back Ohio? So many questions left to answer tonight.

1:30 a.m. -- So here's the best way for them to figure out who won Ohio -- Bush vs. Kerry in a duel right in the middle of Columbus. I guess they can't use guns, since Kerry actually fought in a war and therefore knows how to kill a man, and they can't use pom poms because Bush was a cheerleader at Yale and therefore would have an advantage. So what could they use? Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots? Lawn Darts? Maybe they could have a pie eating contest. Maybe they could have a dance-off. Maybe I wish Ohio wasn't so close so I could go to bed. Mysteries, all.

2:00 a.m. -- I think I could do without hearing how important bloggers have been in this election cycle. Being a shut-in with an Internet connection doesn't make you any more interesting or important than anyone else. And no, this is not a blog. This, as should be clear, is a horrible trainwreck that intended to be funny but which went off the tracks hours ago. So bloggers, go away. Though I'd take the bloggers if it meant we could avoid the army of lawyers no doubt red-eyeing their way to Ohio as I type this. This is just on the possibility that there will be some litigation (and I'm afraid if I type that word three times in a row I'll have a room full of lawyers suddenly appear here). Imagine if, in an hour or two, there's actual proof of some kind of vote count that needs litigation. There could be a lawyer shortage in the rest of the country. Ambulances will go unchased. Mobsters will go unmouthpieced. It'll be anarchy. But I wonder who will all these lawyers bill if it turns out there's no need in Ohio for litigation. Oh, no, I typed it three times! No, there are lawyers everywhere. No! No! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2:30 a.m. -- John Edwards just addressed a crowd in Boston that may have been a pack of Red Sox fans who've been roaming aimlessly around New England since the parade Saturday. He was introduced as the "next Vice President of the United States," which makes me wonder if he's really, really optimistic or if something inside his head has snapped. I suppose he'll be going to be shortly and having nightmares about Ohio. I've done that. There is no cure. There hasn't been another state called for anyone in awhile. What the hell?!? How long does it take to count these things? I wanna go to bed, but I'd like to see even a disputed 270 votes go to someone before that happens. I miss the days of Reagan and Clinton where you knew early on who was going to win. Dukakis, Dole, where are you when we need you?

3:00 a.m. -- In 2000, this was when I finally punked out and went to bed. But by that point we'd had Florida handed to Gore and then swiped away like Lucy swiping the football, and then given to Bush. This year we've got nothing like that. But Arnold Schwarzenegger just gave a speech in California. I lost my Schwarzenegger to English dictionary so I couldn't make out the whole thing. But he was very happy, which for some reason makes me very nervous. On 60 Minutes the other night he said he'd like it if we changed the Constitution so he could run for President. Sure thing, Governor Terminator. Anything else you'd like us to change in the Constitution for you? Maybe take the vote back from women? Anything? And the scary thing is, I know there are people who would jump all over the idea of President Schwarzenegger. Those people are idiots. Apparently the Kerry camp has gone to bed for the night. And yet I'm still awake watching cable news. John Kerry's all warm and snug in his bed, curled up next to Teresa, and I'm stuck here by myself watching a bunch of idiots yell and scream on MSNBC, and for once I'm not talking about Chris Matthews but the crowd at Rockefeller Center. Hmmm, curled up with Teresa Heinz Kerry vs. screaming idiots. I'm gonna have to go with the screaming idiots. Yikes.

3:30 a.m. -- Okay, John Kerry may not be conceding tonight, but I am. I'll let the little Democracy Elves in Ohio, New Mexico, and all other undecided states count up all the votes while I get a few hours sleep. It seems pretty obvious how this one's gonna end up, which means I won't have to go shopping for new material any time soon (as if that was going to happen anyway), but I'll be back in the morning to wrap this thing up for good. Maybe. I hope. Could take longer. Bush could sue. Kerry could sue. Cheney could use the Dark Side of the Force to influence the final count. Edwards could wipe that stupid smile off his face act like a human being for five goddamn minutes. Anything could happen. But for the next few hours it'll be happening without me. Hmmm, I wonder what time Amy Robach comes back on...

11:30 a.m. -- So they still haven't called Ohio, or Iowa, or some other place I'll probably never set foot in, but it doesn't matter because John Kerry just conceded. I hope they've sedated Dan Rather before breaking the news. But yes, Kerry conceded and Bush has won reelection. Hold on to your wallets. Which brings us to...

Tgreen's Top Ten Things To Expect In Bush's Second Term:
10. Dan Quayle still kept locked in a closet, but they'll move him to one with a window
9. Disk Cheney reveals secret plans to build "Death Star"
8. Osama bin Laden put on warning that we will still leave him alone unless he somehow comes into possession of a large cache of oil
7. Every TV show with risque content will have six months to accept Jesus Christ as their lead character
6. Filmmaker Michael Moore mysteriously disappears
5. New $50 million minimum to participate in the government
4. Axis of Evil expanded to add France, Germany, and New York City
3. Secret listening device on Bush's back cranked to 11
2. Rudy Giuliani officially appointed "America's Mayor"
1. Embryonic stem cell research completely banned except for experiments in how to clone more Bushes and Cheneys

And that's all for Tgreen 2004's Decision? 2004 semi-live coverage. Thanks for stopping by. See you all again in 2008.