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By Tgreen, November 27, 2012 12:42 am

If you understand nothing else, understand how much I hate to quit. How much I hate to quit just about anything, really (though I’ll admit to enjoying it when I’ve quit a couple of jobs during my career, including probably one more than most of you realize…). It’s just not in my nature to quit easily, and I’ve fought some damn stupid fights for some really lost causes in my day. I don’t even regret most of them, because fighting’s better than quitting.
That said, there are some realities that even I won’t fight, and so it’s time to face the fact that this year, NaNoWriMo kicked my ass. Kicked it worse than the Patriots handing a beatdown to the Jets.
For the uninitiated, NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month. The goal is simple — write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November, win nothing but the feeling of accomplishment at actually writing a book in 30 days. I’ve tried it several times and I’ve won more often than not. But not this year, no sir. This year I suffered a good old-fashioned ass whupping.
I knew it was coming too. Could see it real clear real early, but I had to try anyway. The storm threw me off pace at the start. Not because my house was damaged or anything — I was real lucky there — but because I took in some displaced house guests and, most importantly, I was stuck working from home for that first week. So much of my NaNoWriMo writing gets done during my daily commute and I didn’t have one of those for nearly a week. And when I finally did, those buses were too crowded to get much done.
I think by the end of Day 1, I was about 1,000 words off pace. Turns out that was the closest to being on schedule I was ever gonna get this month. I was still making a decent effort, though, until my trip to Disney. That’s what blew the whole plan out of the water, and if I had any sense in my head I would’ve figured it out by my second day in Florida. I didn’t figure it out, and instead still was making an effort when I got back. Even after barely writing 1,000 words that whole week, somehow I thought I could still pull this off.
So today, I quit. No NaNoWriMo book for me this year. The idea I was working on was halfway decent. It had some potential. I could’ve done something with it under better circumstances. Don’t believe me? Here’s the first paragraph that I came up with late on November 1:

I spoke to the doctor after the storm and he gave me the worst news I could’ve imagined. He told me I was fine. Perfectly healthy for a man of my age and station. Which meant I was gonna have to find another way out. You see, I couldn’t just leave. Couldn’t just quit. If I wanted out there was only one way to do it — feet first in a box. And the doctor’s report wasn’t cooperating.

This narrator was caught up in a bad real estate deal. Oddly enough, a couple of days in I decided it was the same real estate deal that was a major plot point of another NaNoWriMo book I wrote several years ago. That year I hit the word count but never got to the ending. Maybe this real estate plot point is cursed and I should stop trying to use it. Maybe some day I’ll crack the code and end up with two semi-connected novels to sell. You just can never tell, which is why I do any of this to begin with. And since after a few pages I dragged in a character from last year’s winning NaNoWroMo novel, I could end up with 3 books. Or not.
As lousy as it feels to quit, it’s a little easier this time because I’ve already got a December deadline for something I think I can sell, and selling’s better than fighting’s better than quitting. Plus, I’ve got 2 other plans in the pipeline that might get me 2 more sales in the first half of 2013. I wouldn’t say no to either one.
I’m not used to quitting, so I’m not quite sure how to end this. Maybe with the last couple of paragraphs before I pulled the plug. In the end I kind of want to know what happens to my main character, so maybe I won’t leave him here. I hope not, anyway. I hate walking away from something like this, a mere 12,752 words into a 50,000 word story:

Jim crossed the room with careful steps. His head swiveled as he tried to see everything at once as he approached the stairway. He peered up into the blackness and frowned. Then he rapped the flashlight against the wooden bannister. The hollow metal-on-wood sound rang out.
“Anybody here?” he called. “Anybody need help?” He banged the flashlight twice more. “Anybody here who doesn’t belong?”
“You think that will work?”
“Might trick one of the dumber ones,” Jim said with a shrug. “Wait here. I’ll check upstairs.”
“No, this is my thing. I’ll go with you.”
“Suit yourself.”
Jim aimed the flashlight beam up the stairs. We could see nothing but dirty carpet and a blank wall at the top. I remembered a large framed painting up there, but it was gone now. Jim started up with slow, careful steps and I followed. The steps were slippery so I grabbed the bannister for support.

And that’s all there is. There ain’t no more. To be honest, I’ve got no idea who’s up those stairs. I’d like to find out, but that’s not gonna happen this month. November kicked my ass. Let’s see if I’ve got a comeback in me for December. Like the song says…

There ain’t no shame
In just giving up and walking away
Walking away
In just giving up
In just giving up
And walking away

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By Tgreen, November 21, 2012 3:23 pm

Hello and welcome to the Happy Friday Thanksgiving Spectacular, where we define “Spectacular” as “the same jokes as always, but reordered in a special holiday fashion”. And by “special” we mean “barely at all different than any other time we’ve done this”. And by “this” we mean the “joke” we’re going for in this paragraph. And we put quote marks around the word joke because we are legally required to do so since that incident in The Poison Pen that time.

No idea why we’re using the word we, since everyone knows it’s just one guy writing all this. How sad would it be if an entire staff was required to come up with this crap? Sad indeed.

Fortunately, that’s not a mystery you need to ponder right now, and for that you can be thankful. Which is the point of today’s post. Being thankful. Because times have been tough lately, and so you may have reasons to doubt there’s anything to be thankful for right now. Maybe you got caught up in Superstorm Sandy (because it happened to New York, we can’t just call it a hurricane). Maybe you’re a huge Mitt Romney fan (really?!?). Maybe you were holding out hope to find one last Suzy-Q in the Hostess section of your supermarket (coincidentally, a wall of Suzy-Qs could hold back even the strongest flood). Or maybe you read the same article I read this morning that said scientists have discovered that fire tornadoes actually exist and are not just something that you might have expected Superman to fight in a 1967 issue of Action Comics.

I hear you. There’s plenty of reasons to pack it in tomorrow and either hold out for better in 2013 or start rooting for the Mayans the way you root for your favorite NHL team and maybe I could’ve picked a better example there but I’m too lazy to hit the delete key so I’m just going to keep typing and pretend I did not inadvertently just bring up another depressing fact for some of you. But no, we will not give in to any of that. And why? Because we here at Happy Friday Central have spent agonizing minutes coming up with reasons to be thankful this year.

And so tomorrow, as you sit down at the table across from your Uncle Herman with the crazy eye that’s always looking in two directions at once and your Aunt Doris with the snaggletooth and the “friend” she always goes on vacation with because Uncle Herman only leaves the house for major holidays and yard sales, and next to your cousin Shirley who you once dared to drink an entire gallon of milk and with whom you never, ever speak of that day again on one side and your brother Joe who’s had his face painted green for the Jets game for the last 3 weeks straight on the other side, and you try to figure out the odds that there will be any cranberry jelly or stuffing left by the time it’s your turn to fill your plate, just remember that this year, you can be thankful that…

…someone, somewhere is probably trying to figure out a way to cram a 4th NFL game into Thanksgiving Day.

…it’s past mid-November and the Islanders still have the same chance of winning the Stanley Cup this year as any other NHL team.

…the odds are pretty good that they’ve already made the worst Star Wars movie they’re ever gonna make.

…there’s no legal requirement for you to pay attention to anything Donald Trump has to say.

…they may have taken away the Twinkie, but the McRib could make a comeback any day now.

…Fox News is so mad at Mitt Romney right now it could be months before it remembers it’s supposed to be trashing Obama 24/7.

…you’ll never have to see that Shmuley Boteach campaign commercial ever again.

…Rex Ryan lost all that weight before the Jets play on Thanksgiving night so you probably won’t have to hear a 10-minute-long tribute to the turducken.

…autocorrect knows how to spell turducken.

…seriously, no matter how stupid a thing Trump says, you can ignore it or pretend it never happened or whatever and that’s okay.

…you work for good people who are always on the lookout for your best interests and treat you like an actual human being with your own thoughts and needs and plans. Or, more likely, you don’t but at least you know someone who does. Or, more likely, you don’t even know anyone who does but at least you enjoyed reading that sentence and pretending it’s true. Or, more likely, at least you’re drunk by noon every day.

…it could at least be possible the insurance adjuster might believe that the storm washed away your Lamborghini.

…autocorrect knows how to spell Lamborghini.

…thousands of smart people have spent millions of dollars over decades to create technology so powerful that you can now share a picture of a cat in a bow tie with people all over the world while you’re taking a dump.

…no, I don’t think you understand, Trump is totally ignorable. You don’t even have to try that hard.

…they still haven’t captured and jailed the Cream of Wheat Monster.

…our country can no longer send a man into space, but it can give you 16 different filters for your Instagram photos of space, or more likely of your roommate doing jello shots off of some girl’s ass.

…shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo are setting the bar of fame so low that even your stupid boring ass could be a TV star by 2017.

…Waffle House is open 24 hours.

…your office is not.

…you probably live near a state-of-the-art public transportation system that moves millions of people to and from thousands of destinations every day without a hitch (unless you live in the New York metropolitan area, in which case, no).

…no matter how shitty this list is, if you’re reading it at least that means you finally got your power back.

…even I eventually acknowledge I’m out of material, and then 5 or 6 “jokes” later like clockwork, I close it down.

So that’s all for this time. Enjoy the day off, don’t lose all your Christmas money on bad football bets, keep the cat out of the stuffing and the stuffing out of the cat, try to avoid a meltdown, at least finish your dinner before running out to one of the stores opening Thanksgiving night, don’t trample anyone while diving for a door buster at Walmart, learn that poem, keep your eyes skinned for small ice and growlers, please return your seats to an upright and locked position and, because there’s a giant plate of food planted right in front of you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

T “I’m getting too old for this shit” green

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By Tgreen, November 1, 2012 7:53 pm

Day 1 of November’s 50,000 words in 30 days writing challenge and here’s the update:

I’ve got nothing.

The day isn’t over yet, but right now that’s my update. With the following addendum. I took a little time today to finish off a story to submit to The First Line, something I’ve been unable to accomplish for more than a year. I’m not sure the story’s any good — I’m suspicious of anything I write that doesn’t have any dialogue even though I like to try a story like that every now and then — but it’s good to get back in the game. I’m hoping that accomplishment gives me some momentum for this month. I’m gonna need all the help I can get because if you haven’t heard, right now I’ve got nothing.

And to prove my point, here’s a quick excerpt from Secret Identity, the story I submitted today:

Yes, the movie. Plenty of words have been written about the Multyman movie, a few by people who actually knew what they were writing about. All I’ll say about it is yes, it was a bomb, the biggest bomb of the half century according to the people who track such things. It was done on the cheap and yet everyone involved still lost money. It ruined a half dozen careers, including my father’s, and it still tops almost every list of bad movies no matter what the list’s conceit happens to be. It’s never been released on home video and probably never will be. I have access to a copy but have never watched it all the way through. And honestly, if even half the people who claim to have seen it in all its glorious awfulness during its brief run had actually plunked down cash for a ticket, that movie would’ve been a modest hit and maybe some careers could’ve been saved.

The movie fiasco was all my father’s doing, too. He made a bad deal and let the pack of amateurs at the studio step all over him. He didn’t see it that way, though. He went to his early grave claiming they’d done a fine job and if anything, their biggest mistake was being ahead of their time. If that movie has a time, we’re nowhere near approaching it yet.

And now, on to NaNoWriMo!