Category: Friday

Happy Friday Election Day 2020 Update 4

By , November 5, 2020 12:06 am

Sure, do an Election Day update. It’s fast, it’s easy, and it only takes a day. There’s no way it could go as badly as the last time you tried it back in 2000. No way at all…

Last night while several battleground states were still counting votes, President Trump prematurely declared victory. If you may recall, Stormy Daniels warned us this was a possibility with him.

What I don’t understand is why so many people were surprised he did it. All signs pointed to this happening, the biggest sign, of course, being that he’d previously said he wouldn’t do it. Saying one thing while he’s planning to do the opposite is kind of his tell.

Creepy Rudy
Presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani, moments before he turned into a bat and bit everybody in the vicinity.

I think a lot of people voted for Trump because they figured with four more years he might finally — even if completely by accident — release his health care plan.

Granted, most of them voted for him because of the white supremacy, but some did it for the health care thing.

And some did it only for the Tweets:

Trump tweet
This is the kind of understanding about how numbers work that explains the COVID response and all those casino bankruptcies.

I wonder if it’s possible for that IRS audit to last another four years, though.

Trump also announced he’s asking for a recount in Wisconsin, which is his right. Candidates have to pay for recalls they ask for, at a cost of approximately $3 million, so I would strongly suggest that Wisconsin get that money up front, if you know what I mean.

Hanging Chad
I wonder if the GOP is gonna have to call this guy out of retirement for one last heist.

Joe Biden, in contrast, has spoken twice about patience. Patience in waiting for all the ballots to be counted. Patience in waiting for him to get his transition team up and running. Patience in waiting for the Democratic Party to become a party people actually want to vote for, and not just occasionally feel like they have to vote for to prevent the GOP from turning the country into an authoritarian nightmare.

To be honest, I’m not sure I can live long enough to see that last one.

Trump is actually threatening at least 3 lawsuits right now, and even Rudy Giuliani can’t handle all of them, so it’s obvious the President is going to need some more lawyers. I wonder if he’s desperate enough yet to give this guy a call…

Cohen
At least he knows where to find the drafts of these same lawsuits he wrote in 2016.

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for another Election Day Update, since it’s obvious this is just going to drag on forever at this point.

T “I declare that every Happy Friday Top Ten List in history was hilarious” green

Happy Friday Election 2020 Update 3

By , November 3, 2020 10:20 pm

They’re counting up the votes and people are counting up their anxieties and I’m counting up how many bottles of Jack Daniels I’ve got in the house in case I need them.

Which makes me wonder, what time exactly does the Trump campaign hand out the paper cups of Kool-Aid tonight? And do you all have to drink them at the same time or does it vary by time zone?

Jeb
Hey, it’s the Ghost of Never-Gonna-Be-President Past!

Just like all of you, I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of political memes over the last 4 years. The latest one is from Republican voters telling me it’s important to vote policy, not personality. And that’s fair. But they’re not telling me which policies I’m supposed to vote for. The policies that block legal immigration? The policies that want to take away health care from millions of people without offering up a replacement? The policies that hand huge tax cuts to rich people and corporations while specifically screwing over taxpayers in left-leaning states? The policies that totally ignore a global pandemic? There’s just so much to choose from. They need to be more specific.

In other news of the coming Apocalypse, this week Costco stopped carrying a brand of coconut water because the company that makes the water uses forced monkey labor to gather the coconuts, which just goes to prove that I’m the only person who’s actually watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies and knows what forced monkey labor leads to.

Lemmings!
If Trump does manage to lose the election, that’s gonna leave just a couple more months to play this game.

The bad news is the President has threatened to send his lawyers anywhere he thinks the vote count is suspicious. The good news is, this is one of his lawyers:

Rudy!

Trump is riding out election night in the White House, where he’ll be hosting a party of approximately 250 people. It was originally going to be a larger group, but 250 is all that’s left from his circle that he hasn’t infected with COVID.

Remember when Bernie Sanders thought he was gonna be President? Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

Monopoly House Divided
Oddly enough, this box shows a fairly accurate picture of the shape Trump’s left the White House in so far.
Monopoly Cheaters Edition
But we all know this is the official Monopoly game of the last 4 years.

I don’t know who’s going to win this election, though I’ve got my suspicions. But one thing I know for sure is that win or lose, on the morning of January 21, 2021, Donald Trump will be planted in front of a TV, watching Fox and Friends, and not doing the job of the President of the United States.

And that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Stay tuned to find out how the series finale of American Democracy ends. Wait, no, I meant season finale, not series finale. Didn’t I?

T “too early to call” green

Happy Friday Election Day 2020 Update 2

By , November 3, 2020 5:28 pm

Election Day rolls on, though to be honest I mostly know that because cable news is dredging up anyone with a pulse and a webcam to offer up an opinion on what’s happening. I apologize in advance if I miss any of you folks when you get your 15 minutes.

There was an awkward moment at the polls this morning when First Lady Melania Trump had trouble reading her ballot. She told the poll workers she just wanted to vote for the barely coherent old man who could barely get through an entire day without embarrassing himself and they said they’d need some more info in order to narrow it down.

And speaking of Melania, if her husband loses I wonder if this is the night he tells her that there’s not enough money in the bank to cover her pre-nup. Might as well tear off all the band-aids at the same time, right?

This week McDonald’s announced it’s bringing the McRib back for a limited time nationwide, so that even if Trump loses you’ll still have all the pig anus in your life that you want in the month of December.

And speaking of pig anus, in South Carolina Lindsey Graham is battling it out in a close race to hold on to his seat. Things got so bad he was reduced to begging for donations on Fox News, and that got him in trouble because you’re only allowed to go on Fox News to beg for money if you’ve got a book to sell. Preferably with the word “killing” somewhere in the title, but they’ve relaxed that rule a little since they had to fire Bill O’Reilly.

White House in chains
Definitely the sign of a President who’s confident in his re-election chances.

This week in the first real look he’s given us at his health care plan, President Trump abandoned his rally attendees to the cold and darkness three different times. But the good news is this plan has a lot less paperwork than Obamacare.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton both voted this morning. Clinton voted for Biden, and Bush declined to say who he voted for. Oddly enough, in an early count of votes in Chicago it was revealed that Former President Harry Truman also cast a vote for Joe Biden this morning.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this week that if the Democrats hold on to their majority in the House, she will run again to be Speaker of the House. Because apparently the age limit for running for anything in Congress is like 150.

Rudy visits the action zone
Presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani getting caught pulling the wrong lever while trying to cast his vote.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani’s had kind of a rough time of it lately, but despite all that he still wants to make sure everybody gets out to vote and stays safe while doing so, as you’ll see if you take a look at…

Rudy Giuliani’s Top Five Election Day Tips:

5. When you leave your coffin to vote, make sure the sun is completely down first.

4. Be sure to use an absentee ballot if your polling place is a church or other house of worship

3. If you encounter a young woman who wants to talk to you while you’re on your way to vote, definitely follow her to whatever hotel room she wants to to lead you into

2. It’s best to mail in your ballot if you plan to spend a couple of months dumpster diving for opposition research in the Ukraine

1. Be sure to vote for whoever offers a health care plan that will let you replace all your ugly teeth at once, so you don’t have to replace the top ones and then just stop there for some reason.

And that’s all we have time for this afternoon. Get out there and vote if you haven’t already, and we’ll be back tonight for the Lightning Round, when the pundits get louder and the need for a stiff drink doubles.

T “ask not what your Top Five list can do for you” green

Happy Friday Election Update Part 1

By , November 3, 2020 9:58 am

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. I know it’s been awhile since the last time we did one of these. It was on the occasion of Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, which feels like it was 3,000 years ago but really was only about 2,578 years ago, so that’s hardly any time at all. But since we’re about to live through the biggest Election Day since the last one, I thought it might be fun to drop in and see if we learned anything from last time.

Me, I learned that a lot of people were clearly not paying attention in grammar school, but that’s just me.

There’s gonna be a lot of map watching today. To see which states go for each candidate, sure. But also to see which countries might let President Trump move there if he loses and has to hide out from the US Justice system.

But by now the polls are open across the United States, and so far today Trump has only filed 6 lawsuits with the Supreme Court to cancel the election and declare him the winner, so it’s obvious he’s treating the day with the respect it deserves.

Don Jr, cocaine’s best buddy
Looks like somebody picked the wrong week to stop snorting 3 miles of cocaine every morning.

The President is also planning to spend the day rage-tweeting about Hillary’s emails and the size of his inauguration crowd, so don’t be alarmed if it feels like Twitter is accidentally reposting things from four years ago. That’s actually new content.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden started his Election Day at church, where he visited the grave of his dead son Beau Biden. Or as the President referred to it, “not being good enough to get a guest slot on Fox and Friends like I did, loser.”

Biden has a big day ahead of himself, though. His schedule shows a mid-morning nap, an afternoon nap, an early evening siesta, two power naps, and an hour of executive time, with the location for that given as the comfy chair in his study.

The President, on the other hand, will be holding multiple rallies across the country because it turns out he has not yet hit his annual quota for spreading the coronavirus. If he hits his quota he gets a bonus — several thousand fewer fans to have to pretend he likes, so here’s wishing the President good luck as he tried to achieve that goal.

A group of Trump supporters blocked traffic on the Garden State Parkway this weekend, which just goes to show that despite catching the coronavirus at the White House last month, former governor Chris Christie is still willing to pitch in with some campaign ideas. Good for you, Governor.

Donald Trump, dancing queen
This week Donald Trump was injured trying to figure out how to spell YMCA after one of his rallies.

There was an awkward moment at the ballot box this morning when candidate Joe Biden was overheard requesting a write-in ballot and asking how to spell “Obama.”

Trumpity Trump
Trump caravan traveling the roads of Texas looking for another Biden/Harris bus to “help.”

Recently Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was photographed with bruises on his face and dark purple hands. He said he was fine, but people were understandably curious as to what had happened to him. It remained a mystery until now, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Five Explanations For What the Hell Happened to Mitch McConnell:

5. Prince cosplay went horribly awry

4. Tried to Smurf himself and something went Smurfy

3. His own blood said, “I’ve had enough of this clown” and went looking for a better home

2. Wanted to more closely resemble his favorite President but they were out of orange paint at the Walmart

1. Swiped a piece of gum from Violet Beauregard and is just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to sing him off

And that’s all we have time for in this morning’s Election Day update. We’ll be back in a couple of hours for another check on today’s progress.

T “Dewey Defeats Truman” green

Happy Friday pre-Thanksgiving Wednesday Event! 11/23/16

By , November 23, 2016 11:15 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the blog post that’s not even supposed to be here today.

Turkey Day!

From the Archives, late-80s vintage. Still no idea what it was for.


Yes, hello and welcome to the end result of a little bit of laziness and a whole lot of dead iPhone. There was supposed to be a Happy Friday last week, and it was actually supposed to happen last Thursday, but then I got lazy on Thursday and then my iPhone spent the entire day on Friday in a mostly dead state. But it’s all fixed now. Well, the phone is fixed. I’m still lazy as all hell, but the phone is fixed and so you get a surprise, never was supposed to happen, Happy Friday on a Wednesday. Aren’t you thankful?

And being thankful is actually the theme of today’s Happy Friday. Yes, they always have themes, didn’t you know that? Most weeks the theme is some variation of “what order can I put the same three ‘jokes’ in this time without anyone noticing?” but still, that counts as a theme. This week, however, it’s Thanksgiving week and that means it’s once again time for Tgreen to help show you just how much you have to be thankful for this year.

Now, I know a lot of you were not happy with the results of this year’s election and are wondering, “what the hell could there possibly be to be thankful for this year?” And I can understand why you feel that way, but don’t you worry. You have so much to be thankful for you’re going to be tired of being thankful, believe me. Your thankfulness is going to be huge, I’m telling you. Real bigly.

And so this Thursday when you sit down at the Thanksgiving table, wedged between your cousin Monica who can’t name the last five Presidents but can name every member of the Kardashian family, and your uncle Joe who accidentally wrote in “Donald Trump” on this year’s ballot because he’s actually been doing that in every election since 1988 and it’s kind of a reflex by now, and you’re hoping that this is the year your stepfather stays sober enough to get through grace without using the word “fuck” at least one time, and you’re wondering if this year your mom remembered to fully cook the sausage she used in the stuffing so there’s no repeat of 2003’s emergency room fiasco, and you’re waiting for your second cousin Carl to finish his annual recap of his favorite Chris Rock bit from 1999 that used to sound kind of racist coming a pasty white guy but now sounds almost Presidential, and you’re struggling not to blast your brother for his continued calls to boycott Hamilton because you’re almost positive he has no idea who or what Hamilton is, and you’re wondering if your sister is really going to get away with her plan to never go back to college because she says she just can’t with this election even though you’re positive her C- average has something to do with it, and you’re kind of embarrassed to admit that you really don’t even like turkey all that much and would be perfectly happy to celebrate Thanksgiving with a double cheeseburger as long as you could have a can of cranberry jelly on the side, just remember that this year you can be thankful…

…that the new President will be able to get right to work without distractions because he’s not going to have some day-glo assclown screaming about his birth certificate every five minutes.

…that a Trump administration might offer the best chance ever to eventually spawn that Hogan’s Heroes reboot you never knew you wanted.

…that President-elect Trump is just warming up for his war on terrorists by first going to war with Hamilton, CNN, SNL, and the New York Times, just like all the great warriors did.

…that a simple $25M payout for the Trump University case saved you from having to admit you ended up voting for the crooked one anyway.

…that Trump is going to make you all forget about the “white sheet” problem some of his supporters bring with them when his clothing company releases its new line of brown and black shirts.

…that if the President-elect keeps assembling his administration the way he has so far, surely it won’t be too much longer before Batman steps in to save us.

…that if CNN reports the story about Trump calling its reporters a pack of liars, and then reports that it was lying about that story, the resulting logic disconnect will cause the average Trump supporter’s brain to short-circuit. At least according to one of Captain Kirk’s more successful plans.

…that in order to avoid the potential for a conflict of interest, President Trump will be turning over the country to the capable hands of his daughter Ivanka. No, wait, not the country. The company. He’s giving her the company. Sorry, honest mistake.

…that you now have the opportunity to suck up to a President just like foreign dignitaries are doing by staying at his new hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue. And you get a mint on your pillow to boot.

…that you won’t have Hillary Clinton to kick around any more. Unless you work for Fox News because they’re still trying to figure out what script to go with for the next four years and will be in a holding pattern until about March or so.

…that the law of averages suggests that not everyone chosen to be part of the administration will be some kind of creep.

…that if you ever watched All the President’s Men you’ve got an outline for how the next four years might go.

…that Trump’s business concerns will be discussed at meetings with foreign leaders only part of the time, when they’re really important, and will almost never be item 1 on the agenda.

…that it’s now a real job to go on cable news and say with a straight face that if the media would just stop pointing cameras at white supremacist meetings the white supremacists would give up and go home, which means you really can get a job doing any crazy thing you can think of nowadays and so you should never give up on your dreams.

…that Vice President-elect Mike Pence is solid, reliable, living, breathing proof that things could always get worse.

…that the Washington Post edited a column last week to remove an aside where Donald Trump once asked if it was wrong to be more sexually attracted to a 13-year-old Ivanka than his own wife, because no one needs that kind of scene in their head. Oh, wait, sorry about that.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to build a wall that Mexico will pay for.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to repeal Obamacare.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to throw all the Mexicans out of the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to block all the Muslims from entering the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to lock Hillary Clinton up.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will ever acknowledge that there might be a valid link between people’s actions and climate change.

…that it’s almost impossible to physically hurt yourself as you’re forced to suddenly reverse all of your political beliefs just because the party you like is doing things you’ve spent years blasting the party you hate for doing.

…that there’s almost a 100% chance this is the last Happy Friday you’re gonna have to read in 2016.

Are you feeling thankful now? You’re welcome.

So yes, this is probably the last Happy Friday until next year. The plan was always to stop after the election and then come back the first time the new President pissed me off. So you can use that as your guide as to when you might expect the next one of these. I kind of want to do another Christmas one, but there’s also a little writing project I want to do in December and if that ends up working out at all, the Christmas Happy Friday gets dumped. But 2017. Gonna be bigly. Real bigly.

The reason last week’s Happy Friday was supposed to come out last Thursday was because last Thursday was Happy Friday’s 21st birthday and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge the day when this newsletter was finally old enough to drink legally. If I had realized the occasion was coming a little earlier, I would’ve tried to put together some kind of post-election party for it. But even though last year we had Happy Friday’s 20th birthday, somehow I didn’t get the fact that 21 followed 20 and so I figured this all out way too late to make a plan. What do you want, I’m no math major (oh no, now I’m recycling jokes from the late, great?, Coverup Report, so it’s definitely time to go). Therefore, any of you folks who attended that Happy Friday party back in the 90s can look back fondly on the one and only official Happy Friday event I’ve ever been able to organize in 21 years. And if you want to drink a shot in Happy Friday’s honor, I won’t stop you.

Now go on back to stuffing your turkey, or yanking your giblets, or scooping your cranberry jelly, or squeezing your cider, or baking your pie, or polishing your cornucopia, or slapping your pilgrim, or sailing your Mayflower, or candying your yams, or stirring your gravy, or hoisting your parade balloon, or marching your wooden soldier, or whatever it is you’ve gotta do to get through the day and, as always, have a Happy Trumpsgiving! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s not what it’s called.

Yet.

T “I would be perfectly happy with some toast and popcorn right about now” green

Keep on Trumpin'

Happy Friday will return in 2017. How could it not with this guy in charge?

Happy Friday! 11/11/16

By , November 11, 2016 3:03 pm

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your last stop before Nixon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno, the first woman to hold that position, died this week at age 78. But her legacy will live on forever, or at least as long as Will Ferrel can fit into a dress.

I have to admit it feels weird to use the phrase “first woman to hold that position” to describe anyone associated with Bill Clinton because, well, you know what I’m getting at here.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he had no memory of any of his aides describing the Bridgegate situation to him when they said in sworn testimony that they had done so. He said all he could recall from the day in question was his iPod hit him with Born to Run in the morning as he was getting dressed, his pork roll with cheese at breakfast had an extra slice of pork roll, he drove his car through a puddle and splashed a Democrat, the local McDonalds took his 2 for 1 Big Mac coupon even though it had expired, he beat Mitt Romney in a game of Risk, proving he would have made a better world leader, he got two cherries on his hot fudge sundae at dessert, and he went to bed listening to a 1985 Springsteen bootleg, but no, his memory was foggy on any mentions of bridge traffic.

An American satellite abandoned in 1967 has begun transmitting agin after 46 years. It’s first message was an NBC News clip saying it looks like nothing but smooth sailing for Dick Nixon in the 1972 election.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 55% this week, which is going to sound pretty ironic in 3…2…1…

Breaking News! The results of the 2016 Presidential Election are in! And America, are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy? I sure hope so, because President-elect Donald Trump just swung by Costco to buy the big box of Tic Tacs and he’s heading your way. Yes, as we all know, former reality show host and former WWE guest manager and former expert in bankruptcy law and longtime lingering dick ache Donald Trump was elected President this week. I got a peek at his upcoming schedule, and it looks pretty packed:

December: Rape trial

December: Racketeering trial

January: Inauguration

It’s gonna be a pretty busy couple of months for the President-elect, isn’t it? And it just stays busy, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things on Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Agenda:

10. Piss on Constitution, except for that Second Amendment part

9. Appoint Chris Christie Secretary of Taylor Ham

8. Send Obama back to his homeland in Kenya

7. Fire Chris Christie and tell him it’s Pork Roll, not Taylor Ham, stupid

6. Start working on list of which campaign promises he should break first

5. Figure out which room will be Putin’s

4. Launch search for new, younger Melania

3. Release decree declaring himself 44th President to erase every last sign that Obama existed

2. Find space for Giuliani’s crypt

1. Implement Order 66

I also got a peek at House Speaker Paul Ryan’s schedule and while he did scratch out Hillary’s name from his January 21st Impeachment hearing, the hearing itself is still on there. Huh, wonder what that means.

Trump After Dark

Hello, ladies, it’s time for a little fireside chat with your President.

Donald Trump did get some other good news this week. That tax audit he kept going on about during the election? It’s been cancelled, effective 4PM, January 20, 2017. Everything’s coming up Donald!
Trump does have to get to work quickly to put together a cabinet. Some names being tossed around include Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and Chris Christie. There’s no way Christie fits in with this group, though. He hasn’t even cheated on one wife yet. Giuliani, Gingrich and Trump will just laugh at him in staff meetings if he doesn’t change that.

Though if he does get a job in the Trump administration, Christie might be the first cabinet member who needs to get a Presidential pardon before he gets a job offer.

I know, in hindsight some of Nixon’s guys could’ve used the same thing but no one knew that for sure until his second term kicked in.

I hear Sarah Palin’s name has come up too. But for god’s sake, don’t anybody say Dick Cheney’s name three times.

I’ll tell you, though, who knew the KKK endorsement would carry so much weight?

Just out of curiosity, since our new President is such an advocate of getting more guns into more people’s hands, does this mean the White House is now going to be an open carry zone? Asking for a friend.

Although really, no matter how you might feel about the results of this election, you have to accept that the people have spoken. I mean, the people have also made the Big Mac one of the biggest selling menu items in history and the people kept According to Jim on the air for like a thousand years, but still, the people have spoken. Slightly less than half the people who voted, but still. I mean, you can’t whine about the popular vote vs the Electoral College just because your candidate lost. Only the sorest of sore losers would do something like that.

Ahem

Ahem


Don’t go looking for those Tweets either, because he deleted them. For very Presidential reasons, no doubt. Man, I expect to look back at that old 18 1/2-minute gap in the tape as such a quaint thing to be upset about.

This week Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the Senate will move swiftly to repeal Obamacare. In its place, every American will receive a bottle of Robitussin and a SpongeBob Band Aid. Republicans can do this because they have the majority and Donald Trump has a mandate. Just remember, kids – and this knowledge will serve you well in the future – the way politics works is like this: when a Republican wins an election, it’s a mandate. When a Democrat wins an election, it’s an obstacle to find a way around.

There was an awkward moment when President Obama met with Donald Trump at the White House this week and Trump flipped Obama a quarter and asked for a shoe shine before the President showed up.

Trump could prove me a liar there but he didn’t allow the press to come with him to the meeting. Oh well.

Yeah, I think what I’m going to miss most of all is the First Amendment. I’ve grown somewhat fond of that one.

But you know, it’s not really a mystery why Trump won. He’s gonna drain the swamp. Yep, drain the swamp. Come on Donny, drain the swamp. Who wouldn’t want that? Who can look at the way our government has worked the last 30–40 years and honestly say that draining the swamp is a bad idea? Right?

But wait a second, what was that name I saw on Trump’s To Fuck The Country List? Newt Gingrich? Newt fucking Gingrich? Saying you’re draining the swamp and then bringing in Newt Gingrich is like, if I may go all comic book nerd on you for a second, kicking out the Heap but inviting Swamp Thing to drop by for a spell. And yes, there’s a much more obvious comic book character I could’ve used in that analogy there but I decided to spare you all from associating Newt Gingrich with the Giant-Sized Man-Thing. You’re welcome.

And you really want to drain the swamp? What was that other name I just saw up there? Mitch McConnell? Mitch fucking McConnell? Mitch McConnell is the fucking swamp. Think I’m being too partisan picking on two Republicans? That’s fair. The fact is, there’s people in Congress from both parties who got into office when at most there were only three Star Wars movies. At most. Only three. Yes, that’s a long fucking time ago in a galaxy right outside your fucking door. You want to drain the swamp, stop voting for these guys. You didn’t need Barack Obama to do that. You don’t need Donald Trump to do that.You just need to get up off your ass and educate yourself on the candidates and the issues and then you need to go out and vote and, oh, I see. I get it now. Never mind. This is how you get the country’s first social media President.

You see more Trump supporters on social media demanding that Amy Schumer keep her promise to leave the country if Trump is elected than you see Trump supporters demanding that Trump keep the promises he made to get elected in the first place. Though maybe that’s because it’s not clear which of Trump’s promises were real and which were just talk. I don’t want to say Trump did not always deliver a consistent message but the man has managed to end a sentence on the exact opposite side of an issue from where he started it. It’s good to keep an open mind, but your positions should at least stay in the same area code.

So we’ve got Trump, and we’ve got protestors, and we’ve even got Trump on the protestors.

Whaaaa!

Hail to the Crybaby?

Unfair? Un fucking fair? Trump thinks two days of protest aren’t fair? He doesn’t even have a bloated bag of dicks going on TV screaming that he wasn’t born in this country yet. Maybe it’s time for him to toughen up a little bit. Thicken the old orange hide. Because the fact is every President sparks an outrage in someone. Every President ends up with people hating him. Every President walks away with an approval rating parked well south of 50%, which means more than half the people can no longer stand the sight of him. Well, except the allegedly Kenyan one. He’s up around 55% now, and I suspect Trump might help bump him up another couple of points before January. So maybe it’s time for Trump to put the Twitter down and act like a President. Because the job gets a whole lot harder than a couple of days of protests.

I honestly don’t even know what the protestors expect to accomplish. What’s a protest going to do? That’s not the American way. We don’t protest when we get an election result we don’t like. When we get a President that for some reason scares us. No, what we do is we dehumanized the opposition. We work to undermine it. We work to bring the entire government to a standstill when we don’t get our way. We expend so much of our time and energy pointing out the shortcomings of the other side that there’s no time to make sure our own side is behaving properly, but we don’t care because the other side is clearly wrong and everyone needs to know it. We refuse to do the jobs to which we are elected because if we do them we might allow the opposition to accomplish something. We lie and we spread rumors. We interpret the Constitution in whatever way is the most convenient to our point of view on that particular day. We crank out propaganda 24/7 and we call it fair and we call it balanced and we wrap ourselves in our holy book of choice while acting in the most godless ways possible and we convince ourselves we’re right because the other side is evil. We ignore every principle we claim to have if we can get a leg up on the other side and we shame the other side if we think we caught it doing the same thing. We spend every day for 8 years bemoaning an election result we did not like and we work against our country’s own interests because we can’t afford to let the other side look good for even a second. And then when we finally do win again we immediately tell the losing side that the people have spoken and they need to get over it. Protesting? Only whiny children would ever think of protesting an election result.

Ahem

Ahem

But here we are, staring another Inauguration in the face. And I know this whole Happy Friday went off the rails paragraphs ago, but I also know nobody made it this far so I’m okay with it. Half the country is happy right now and half is miserable, as it should be. As it usually is after a big election. It’s worse now because there are people genuinely scared about what this all means, and they have genuinely good reasons for feeling that way. But it will pass, I think. Trump will take office and do whatever it is he’s going to do and the mood in this country will even out. As it does. As it must. And a year from now, all of today’s happy people and all of today’s miserable people will be able to agree…that we all made a terrible mistake.

See you next time for an anniversary and a break.

T “do you recall what was revealed the day the music died” green

Fuuuuuuuck!

Another county heard from…

Happy Friday! 11/4/16

By , November 4, 2016 10:21 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

Of Mice and Pork Roll

“Don’t worry, Chris. No matter what the Bridgegate verdict is, the only thing you’re guilty of is being the best Springsteen fan ever.” “Tell me about the rabbits again, Don.”

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

Macarena

Heeeeey, Macarena!


A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Cubs win!

Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story!


Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!

Hillary Clinton prepares for annual purge of disloyal staffers. Red outfit designed to mask the blood.


New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green

Happy Friday! 10/28/16

By , October 28, 2016 10:55 pm

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

Runway!

Now arriving on Runway 2, a huge metaphor.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Queen

“What do you mean you’re out of Kit Kat bars? Who’s a Queen gotta shag to get a bloody Kit Kat Bar?!?

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

Doggie Headlines

“Coming up at 11, can leg humping cause memory loss?”

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

    And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

    Happy Friday! 10/21/16

    By , October 21, 2016 12:52 pm

    I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

    This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

    The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

    An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

    A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

    Giuliferatu

    Separated at Birth?

    This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

    A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

    This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

    But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

    Outrageous Facebook post from your old college roommate before there was a Facebook

    Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

    This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

    Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

    The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

    This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

    Besties!

    Recently uncovered campaign photo from Trump’s aborted 1996 Presidential run

    So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

    Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

    10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

    9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

    8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

    7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

    6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

    5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

    4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

    3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

    2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

    1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

    And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

    Happy Friday! 10/14/16

    By , October 14, 2016 2:34 pm

    I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s starting to wonder if maybe somehow this whole election thing has gone just a little bit off the rails.

    The first sign of this came an hour and a half before the second Presidential Debate, when Republican candidate Donald Trump held a surprise Facebook panel with women who have accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. And grabbed each one of them by the pussy.

    Inappropriate chair

    “Could someone please tell him that chair is not a contestant in one of his beauty pageants?”

    This week Samsung suspended production of the Galaxy Note 7 after reports that replacement models for phones that had caught on fire also were catching on fire. But in Samsung’s defense, the replacement fires were smaller than the original fires, so at least they were making progress.

    In a related story, Samsung announced its new product line, the Samsung Galaxy Hand Warmer, coming to a store near you this holiday season.

    RNC Chairman Reince Priebus this week held an emergency call to declare that the party remains firmly behind Donald Trump. No word on if it’s behind him in a normal way, or the super-creepy way he stood behind Hillary Clinton at this week’s debate.

    Jaws

    If nothing else at least he should be used to seeing Hillary from behind by now

    A new study shows that working over 25 hours per week after age 40 can lead to a decline in cognition. And apparently an increase in desire to write shitty Top Ten Lists.

    This week Billy Bush was fired from the Today Show because of his appearance in Donald Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” video, thus inadvertently proving that the standards for hosting the 3rd hour of a network morning show are higher than for being the GOP nominee.

    This week Donald Trump told his supporters to be sure to go out and vote on November 28. Which suggests he’s given up on being President and is now aiming to win this season of Dancing With the Stars.

    The date mixup is all the proof you need that Trump’s not a career politician. The phrase is supposed to be “vote early and often,” not “vote 20 days too late.” Amateur.

    Hillary’s from Chicago. I can guarantee you she knows all about how that works.

    Oscar Mayer announced this week that it’s recalling some Lunchables due to allergen concerns. In a statement, Oscar Mayer said that anyone with food allergies would be completely safe, though, for “obvious reasons.”

    This week Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated 15 happy years of marriage on the occasion of their 41st wedding anniversary.

    Bubba

    “Shit, nobody told me Hillary was going to be here.”

    This week’s debate was the first to ever appear on Iranian television. As advertisements for democracy go, it probably didn’t make the sale.

    Excerpts from some of Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Wall Street execs were released by Wikileaks this week. Among them was a comment that politicians need to have “both a public and a private position.” She claimed that this was merely a comment on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. No word yet on what she meant when she said, “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”

    Wow, after almost 21 years, a joke so nerdy even I wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t written it.

    Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 64 this week and was given 450 birthday roses from his Parliament. And 300 new Hillary Clinton emails from Wikileaks.

    This week singer/songwriter Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is cool and all, but it’s not nearly as prestigious as Jon Bon Jovi’s Nobel Prize in Getting Played A Lot On NJ Radio.

    At a speech in Florida this week Donald Trump told supporters he was an “existential threat” to the political establishment. The rally was then halted for an hour as Trump struggled to find a term for “existential” that his supporters could understand.

    Bald eagle

    “Geez, thanks, Donald.”

    This week Starbucks introduced a new drink that’s a mix of beer and espresso. Toss on in a cigarette and you could call this drink “Tgreen about five hours into any wedding in the early-to-mid–90s.”

    And finally, this week Hillary Clinton was forced to answer under oath 25 questions about her private email system. She responded “do not recall” 20 times. It’s even worse than it sounds, though, because by question 23 she said that she no longer recalled questions 1 through 4.

    Moral Question Department:

    Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you go to the movies or go home to watch Netflix?

    A lot of people in the Northeast woke up this week to temperatures in the low 40s, which is as sure a sign as any that we’re not in summer anymore, Toto.

    But some people need more than one sign, which is what I’m here for, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

    Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer Is Over:

    10. When you go outside in shorts your legs are red from frostbite and not from sunburn

    9. Burgers on the grill need to be examined closely for falling leaves

    8. Slowly-decaying orange thing might be pumpkin and not Trump’s chance for getting elected

    7. Loud neighbor stops annoying you with fantasy baseball talk and starts annoying you with fantasy football talk

    6. Sports Illustrated includes hockey story somewhere around page 46

    5. NJTransit issues last heat-related delay announcement of the year

    4. Back-to-school commercials suddenly replaced by Halloween commercials

    3. Favorite new show cancelled after three episodes

    2. Start to see trailers for movies that don’t feature superheroes or star people you only know from Comedy Central

    1. Landlord stops lying to you about why the A/C doesn’t work, starts lying to you about why the heat doesn’t work

    And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, buy your Doctor Strange tickets, root for Tony Romo’s speedy recovery so the Cowboys can suck again, watch some hockey, get ready for that third debate, be Presidential and grab someone by the pussy, run out and cut left, stay up all night thinking about 5 ways these campaigns could get even worse, be nice to your autocorrect, give it a rest, be kind, rewind and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

    T “runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Happy Friday” green

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