I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

March 10, 2006

This week a political grudge match was avoided when Dubai announced it would not be taking over control of several US ports and would instead be turing that authority over to an American “entity.” That entity? Halliburton. Who says nice guys have to finish last?

Okay, it’s not really Halliburton that’s getting the ports contract. But they could if they wanted to, now that we all know one of Dick Cheney’s negotiating tactics.

After Dubai’s announcement, President Bush expressed his disappointment in the deal’s failure. I think. Who can understand him?

The biggest loser in the whole ports fiasco? Is it President Bush? Sure, I could see how you’d think that, seeing as how his approval rating is plunging toward the margin of error and all that, but he’s not the biggest loser in all this. The biggest loser is the first opponent to the deal – New York Senator Chuck Schumer, because the deal got cancelled just as he was building up a big head of steam on camera. There goes his reality show deal.

Another big loser in all this? Hillary Clinton, because while she was slamming the deal on TV, husband Bill Clinton was apparently advising Dubai behind the scenes. Which is very similar to how the Clinton’s have operated in the past, with one not knowing what the other was doing. The only difference is that in the past, it was usually Bill doing the slamming.

In other news, NASA said this week that it’s discovered evidence of the existence of a geyser larger than Yellowstone’s Old Faithful on Enceladus, one of Saturn’s moons. The existence of a geyser opens the possibility of life in the solar system, because once you find a tourist attraction, can tourists be far behind?

This week Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book alleging that baseball star Barry Bonds used compounds such as steroids, insulin, and female fertility drugs to improve his performance over the past 8 years. Upon arriving in training camp Bonds denied the allegations, but had to cut his press conference short when he began ovulating.

The movie Crash won the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards last week in what some were calling the biggest upset ever. Now really, since Crash was one of the 5 nominees, was it really the biggest upset ever? If The Dukes of Hazzard had won, that would’ve been the biggest upset ever, since not only was it not nominated, but apparently if anyone admitted to even seeing it, they weren’t allowed to submit their Oscar ballot.

And speaking of them Dukes, have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson and Miss Piggy? I’m always amazed when they manage to get a completely artificial character to interact with real people. And they do a pretty good job with Miss Piggy too.

UN officials monitoring the spread of bird flu said this week that the deadly virus could reach the United States by mid-year, which means you all had better hurry and have your last McNugget while there’s just one way it could kill you.

Any of you folks reading this who live in New York have no doubt seen and read lots of coverage on the woman who disappeared from outside of a Soho bar, only to turn up raped and murdered in a field near Kennedy Airport. The NYPD is conducting an intense investigation into the tragic case, but apparently its work is being hampered by the media. Not the reporters trying to report the case, though. No, it’s being hampered by the writers of CSI:NY, Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, who are all trying to get another ripped from the headlines episode on the air in time for May sweeps.

I hear the writers for the new Law & Order show Conviction were also planning to tag along, but then they realized there’s no way their show is still on the air by May, so they stayed home and worked on their resumes instead.

In sports news, the NFL owners and players have a new collective bargaining agreement in place after some tense negotiations and two deadline extensions. With the new agreement in place, the salary cap is increased, higher profile teams share revenue with lower profile teams, and John Madden will only be allowed to mention the word “turducken” twice per season. So everybody wins.

In other sports news, the World Baseball Classic continues. Apparently. Not that you can find anyone willing to admit they’ve watched it.

This week software giant Microsoft unveiled its latest product – the UMPC, or ultra-mobile PC – that plays videos, music, and games, and also runs standard Windows programs, comes with a can opener and corkscrew, can core a apple, and can also be used as a dessert topping or a floor wax. Microsoft expects sales of the UMPC to exceed all analysts’ expectations. Or else.

I don’t know about wherever you’re living, but here in New York City Springtime made a sudden appearance today. How do I know? It’s simple, I just took a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Springtime in New York:

10. Sightings of misplaced $1000 bills as Mayor Bloomberg begins Spring cleaning of his wallet
9. Senator Hillary Clinton has invisible electro-fence installed around Bill’s office building
8. Rev. Al Sharpton stops wearing thermal sweat suit at rallies
7. Steinbrenner starts showing up on the back page of the papers again
6. New York Islander players start reserving tee times for April

5. Homeless people strip down to 7 layers of winter coats
4. Trump puts winter ego into storage, has summer ego flown up from Florida for refurbishment
3. All work comes to a standstill as office resources are put to work on everyone’s NCAA brackets
2. Commuters stop grumbling about having to travel in the cold, start grumbling about having to work when it’s nice out
1. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten list

And that’s all we have time for this week. Stay tuned next week for either some St. Patrick’s Day humor, or stay tuned in two weeks for the big excuse why there was no St. Patrick’s Day humor. Ooh, the anticipation.

T “a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday! Sorry about that.

A tractor trailer on I–68 in Maryland caught fire this week, burning a truckload of bacon and ribs. And in a related story, this week’s Happy Friday is coming to you from the shoulder of I–68 in Maryland.

In advertising news, this week Dos Equis named a new Most Interesting Man In The World. Don’t worry, though, the title of Least Interesting Man In The World is still a 3-way tie between that guy who sits one cube over from you at work and always talks about his Logan’s Run fanfic, the guy who sits next to you on the train every day and talks about his Fantasy Football team, and your brother-in-law the stamp enthusiast.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump said this week that he wants to debate without a moderator. And without an audience. And without any media fact checkers. And, frankly, without Hillary Clinton either.

This week Hillary Clinton fainted while leaving 9/11 memorial ceremonies early after becoming overheated. It was later revealed that she’d been diagnosed with pneumonia two days earlier. Fox News announced that its wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral will start five minutes ago.

A new interview from September 11, 2001, resurfaced this week and showed that Donald Trump, when asked his opinion on the World Trade Center attacks, chose to point out that his building at 40 Wall Street was once again the tallest building in lower Manhattan. He offered no hint as to how many more people would have had to die in order for him to also have the largest penis in lower Manhattan, but one suspects the smart money would be on “most of them.”

This week Hillary Clinton apologized for saying that half of Donald Trump’s supporters belong in a basket of deplorables, claiming that in reality she’d seriously underestimated that percentage.

She actually didn’t have to apologize for nearly three days because it took that long for the average Trump supporter to find out what “deplorable” meant.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the first time Hillary used the term “basket of deplorables.” Back in the 90s that’s how she referred to Bill’s scrotum.

This week Donald Trump did an interview with Larry King on King’s Russia Today talk show. The interview ended up being the third-most-watched program on Russian TV that night, coming in behind only Everybody Loves Putin and Better Call Putin, and just narrowly edging out According to Putin, Two Guys, a Girl and Putin, Putin and the Bear, and CSI: Minsk.

When asked this week if he would denounce former KKK leader David Duke, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said he didn’t like to name-call. Brother, did you ever join the wrong team.

This week it was revealed that Donald Trump once spent $20K of his charity’s money to purchase a portrait of himself. Clearly not one of those Dorian Gray ones, though.

New investigations discovered this week that in the 1960s, the sugar industry paid for two major studies that were designed to mask sugar’s potential role in coronary heart disease. This is only the second-worst thing the sugar industry did in the 1960s, since nothing will ever top whatever it was they did to get that Sugar, Sugar song on the charts.

This news about the sugar industry could prove to be a game-changer. Now you can’t say for sure whether your triple bypass was caused by your daily can of Coke habit, or your daily 2 for $5 Big Mac habit. It’s mysteries like this one that can keep a person up all night.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign planned to release more information about her health after this week’s pneumonia scare. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the info was apparently all contained in a series of emails that the campaign deleted out of force of habit.

This week the Census Bureau announced that the US median income grew 5.2% to $56,516 in 2015, the first annual gain since 2007. It also announced that middle class income grew faster than at any time in modern history. Jeez, thanks Obama.

Wait, what?

The latest internet conspiracy theory claims that Hillary Clinton is using a body double while campaigning. The conspiracy has even spawned its own hashtag – #HillarysBodyDouble, which narrowly beat out the second choice – #BillsWorstNightmare.

This week Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked “What is Aleppo?” during a TV interview about foreign policy, prompting many voters to speculate exactly when George W Bush signed on as his foreign policy advisor.

This week a patent application was published that shows Walmart is planning to introduce self-driving shopping carts to its stores. So honey, it’s totally not my fault that the cart was filled with Double Stuff Oreos. The cart did that all by itself.

A new study shows that exercise may offset some of the negative health effects of alcohol. Hmmmm. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working out for the next seven months straight, just to be safe.

And finally, this week the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a recall of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones because there’s a danger they can catch fire. And not because there’s a danger that you can read Happy Friday on one, though that was also a consideration in their decision.

This Saturday marks the third annual Batman Day, a day that exists, I guess, to get you to drop a few bucks on a Batman comic. Or maybe to watch a Batman movie or cartoon. I’m actually not sure what this whole day is about. Maybe the way to understand it is to go right to the source, which you can do when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Batman Plans to Celebrate Batman Day:

10. Check LinkedIn for response to ad for new sidekick
9. Swing by Gotham jail at 9:30 to update “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign to “1”
8. Leave another bad review for Batman v Superman on Rotten Tomatoes
7. Investigate rumors that the Joker changed his name to Trump
6. Finish “Ten Things Fox’s Gotham Gets Wrong” article for BuzzFeed
5. Visit Chief O’Hara at the Old Stereotype’s Home
4. Swing by Gotham jail at 2:30 to reset “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign back to “0”
3. Late lunch with Aquaman at Red Lobster
2. Call agent to find out if it’s not too late to swap out Affleck for Damon in the next movie
1. Finally get “Batman smells” removed from that Jingle Bells song

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, catch the wave, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes, set that DVR for all the new fall shows before they’re cancelled, roast some marshmallows over your Galaxy Note 7, avoid the Noid, get off of my lawn, keep your certificate valid, leave your meat cleaver at home and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “still trying to figure out how I didn’t get to be the candidate for the Green Party” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for Olympic-level bullshit and general nonsense.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giulini gave a speech in which he claimed there were no successful terror attacks on American soil before President Obama came along. To explain his statement he said that he had not forgotten 9/11, he just spoke in “abbreviated” language. It’s not his fault that he just happens to abbreviate everything he can’t pin on the President.

TV host and political commentator John McLaughlin died this week in his Virginia home at the age of 89. His final words were “Wrong!!!”

A train in Iowa derailed last week and crashed into a trackside bar named “Derailed,” prompting the bar owner to consider changing the name of his other bar from “Nuclear Armageddon.”

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison. The case, Billy v Icky Broccoli, is expected to set a worldwide legal precedent.

This week it was revealed that workers in Pyongyang were forced by the government to take a form of crystal meth in order to expedite the completion of a large-scale construction project. And in related news, I think I just figured out a fairly inexpensive way to get them to finally patch up the intersection of 516 and 79.

In Sweden a woman tried to explain the theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea. She was unable to explain the theft of the car she was using to bring the underwear home, though.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump received his first confidential security briefing this week. For more details on what he was told, check out his Twitter feed this weekend.

Trump brought New Jersey Governor Chris Christie along to his briefing. He did this because he trusts Christie to keep his mouth shut. Or if not shut, at least full.

A Texas man convicted of child sexual assault was sentenced this week to 700 years in prison. Which is expected to translate into about 3 weeks in Gen Pop.

This week US swimmer Ryan Lochte and three of his teammates claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while taking a cab at the Rio Olympics. Brazilian officials quickly produced videotape that cast doubt on the events as the swimmers reported them, and said the swimmers actually lied to cover up a fight they got into at a gas station. It’s all still very confusing. All we do know for sure is that NBC newscaster Brian Williams said it was the most harrowing cab ride he’s ever been on.

In other Olympic news, the International Boxing Association sent home 6 judges and referees this week following outrage over several contentious matches and a fear of widespread corruption. But the good news is that at least one of them is a lock for the Gold medal in Olympic bribery.

This week the White House admitted that the $400M payment to Iran back in January was in fact contingent on Iran releasing four American prisoners. The White House was quick to clarify that they still don’t consider this a ransom payment like many of their critics are claiming, because they never received a ransom note made of letters cut out of a magazine and international law is pretty clear on that requirement.

Uber announced this week that it will begin offering rides in self-driving cars to customers in Pittsburgh later this year. The cars will be able to take passengers anywhere, but it’s expected most people will want a ride directly out of town so they can escape before the robot apocalypse kicks in.

This week Eve Plumb, who played middle sister Jan on The Brady Bunch, sold for $3.9M a house she bought at age 11. And in related news, a Spider-Man comic I bought at age 11 might be worth upwards of 5 bucks if it’s in mint condition.

In what’s widely seen as an attempt to reboot his campaign and show that he has the right temperament to be president, this week Donald Trump gave a speech where he acknowledged that he’d said some things during the campaign that he was sorry about. Except for the everything he said about Ted Cruz. He meant every word of that.

A Clinton Foundation spokesman this week said that if Hillary Clinton is elected president, the foundation will no longer accept foreign or corporate donations. And also that the foundation looks forward to working with the United States’ newest members, the great state of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and newly-naturalized citizens the Coca Cola Company and the Axcion Corporation.

The president of the Family Research Center, who has routinely said that God sends natural disasters to punish gays, had his house destroyed in this week’s flooding in Louisiana. C’mon God, it’s not cool to out Tony Perkins that way, you know?

Newly-discovered emails revealed that several of Donald Trump’s advisors previously waged a covert lobbying campaign on behalf of a pro-Russian Ukrainian government. But the weirdest part of the story? Those emails were found on Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

And finally, Jamaican runner Usain Bolt became the first person to win the 100m and 200m in three consecutive Olympics, cementing his status as the fastest man in the world. Yes, even faster than Bill DeBlasio running away from his record.

The Rio Olympics ends this weekend after two weeks presenting the best athletic competition the world’s nations have to offer. If you’ve been watching the broadcasts regularly, having them end like this is going to leave a big hole in your viewing plans. However, you don’t have to give up your Olympic viewing cold turkey. If you live in or around New York City, there are plenty of things you can watch to replicate your Rio experience, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Simulated Olympic Events to Watch in NYC:
10. 400m intern coffee fetching relay

9. Synchronized cockroaches

8. Subway pickpocket wrestling

7. 50m purse snatcher dash

6. 7th Ave bike messenger racing

5. DWI checkpoint balance beam

4. Penn Station homeless hurdling

3. New York Mets 100m dash to the bottom of the division

2. 50m burst water main freestyle

1. Hot dog vendor dirty water wiener drop

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go for the gold, stay off the Costas, just try and unsee those pictures of the naked Trump statue, cower in fear that the same people are ready to deploy naked Hillary at any moment, stay off Slanted Rock, fix that Stop sign, run your mouth, don’t waste too much time watching preseason football, have a Fresca, vote early and vote often, catch the wave and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “clobberin’ time” green

Aaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody!

Just like day follows night (or night follows day depending on your perspective), just like jelly follows peanut butter, just like “who goes there?” follows “halt!”, just like Star Trek III follows Star Trek II, just like Mac follows Big or Pounder follows Quarter or McMuffin follows Egg, just like “oh fuck, not another one of these” follows “Happy Friday everybody!”, and even just like shitty reviews follow “starring Ben Affleck,” every four years the political convention of one party is followed by the the political convention of the other party.

And so inevitably, this week the Democrats held their national convention in Philadelphia. Historical note — the Democratic Party’s 1924 convention lasted for 16 days. This one only felt like it.

The stakes were high for nominee Hillary Clinton this week, but really her biggest win would be to skate through the whole week without being indicted for anything. In other words, this week was just like every other week.

Rival candidate Bernie Sanders in his speech assured his supporters that Hillary will break up the banks on Wall Street. At least, the ones that never paid her money. If there are any. Spoiler alert, there are not.

Not surprisingly, the most booed candidate at this year’s DNC was Donald Trump. Second most booed candidate? Hillary Clinton.

New polls from mid-week showed that the 2016 race has taken a turn. Apparently “poked in the eye with a sharp stick” is now leading “swallow a cup full of angry bees” by 7 points.

In the long run I think the Democrats will regret holding their convention in Philadelphia and not getting a speech from Nightman or Dayman. Rookie mistake there, Democrats.

There were some questionable music choices this week as well. At one point they used Love Train to introduce a speaker but that speaker was not Bill Clinton. Talk about missed opportunities.

And in another musical note, somehow the Democrats were able to get Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on the same page, but couldn’t do it for Simon and Garfunkel. A bridge over troubled waters indeed.

One of the week’s highlights was former President Bill Clinton’s speech. The man sure does know how to tell a story. When he opened with a tale about a woman he fell in love with back in 1971, I was on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t wait to find out who he was talking about, and what the hell it had to do with Hillary.

Bill Clinton’s speech ultimately covered the history of his relationship with Hillary (well, more or less…mostly less). No one told me it was going to unfold in real time, though.

This just in, Bill Clinton’s speech has just gotten up to 1987.

Former 2004 candidate Howard Dean also gave a speech this week. It was basically the classic rock tour of convention speeches. It got mild interest and polite applause until he did that damn scream at the end. It’s like his Freebird.

The Democrats spent much of the week trying to win over people who have been ripped off or insulted by Donald Trump, which makes sense because those are some very large groups. If they can get those groups and the group of women Bill cheated on Hillary with, this thing is a lock.

Even if they can just get the women Bill hooked up with while in the White House this is possibly an epic landslide.

According to Neilson, the ratings for the DNC were higher than the ratings for last week’s RNC. Clearly the American public prefers its politics to be deChachinated.

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly, in countering a line in Michelle Obama’s speech that said the White House was built by slaves, said that those slaves were well-fed and given comfortable beds. And he’s got his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s log books to prove it.

According to Yelp, three of the top search terms during the DNC were Vegan, Kosher, and Distilleries, which suggests that nobody could agree on what to eat but after the third round nobody cared.

Yelp said three of the top search terms at last week’s RNC were Hawaiian, Hot Dogs, and Gay Bars, which suggests a couple of planks from the GOP 2016 platform may not have made it out of Cleveland intact.

In a tense moment, Vice President Joe Biden had to be talked out of throwing his hat into the ring during his speech after taking a quick look at 2016’s shit show and realizing the opportunity he had missed.

Actress and convention attendee Susan Sarandon said she was having the worst time of her life at the DNC this week. Then party officials moved her out of Bill Clinton’s row.

Former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was five minutes late for his speech after stopping in the convention hall to smack a couple of 32-ounce sodas out of people’s hands.

As for Bloomberg’s speech itself, if there was ever a time to bust out his middle-school Spanish, it would have been while he was blasting Trump on immigration. Bloomberg knows how to say “Gringo es loco,” doesn’t he?

Bloomberg actually first asked to speak at the RNC but he failed the mandatory “Your Wallet Must Be This Small or Smaller to Speak on Donald’s Stage” test.

Vice President nominee Tim Kaine’s speech was thrown into disarray at the last minute when he realized Joe Biden had used the word “malarkey” already that evening and he would have to use the even less common “codswallop” instead.

In retrospect, Bernie Sanders spent most of the week looking like he was told he’d get his car back after Hillary was done speaking and not a moment before.

This just in, DNC staffers have finally woken up the last of the delegates who nodded off during Tim Kaine’s speech.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Obama actually referenced Republican icon Ronald Reagan more times than Donald Trump did. And even more surprising, he mentioned Kenya more times as well.

A previously-unknown Clinton scandal was revealed this week when Bill copped to watching all 7 of the Police Academy movies. Which is at least two more than anyone who worked on the movies ever watched.

While giving a speech at the convention the father of a deceased Muslim soldier offered Donald Trump his copy of the Constitution to read. But in all fairness, Trump has already tried to read the Constitution before. He just had to stop after skimming the first couple of sentences and not seeing his name anywhere.

Republican Senator Marco Rubio referred to the DNC as a disaster. And after seeing how well he executed his campaign, I am ready to accept him as an expert on the subject of disasters.

In a sign that he’s not convinced Trump will win in November, this week Paul Ryan added Hillary Clinton’s first impeachment hearing to his calendar for January 21, 2017.

This week’s speech by Hillary Clinton was historic. Not because she gave it as the first woman to accept the nomination from one of the two major parties, though that is historic by itself. No, this one was historic mainly because she charged a discounted rate of $100K to deliver it.

Bill Clinton almost missed his wife’s speech when he had to suddenly run off the convention floor to finish his application for the Katy Perry Fan Club.

You know, it’s 2016. A candidate for President of the United States should not have to mention in her acceptance speech that she believes in science. And yet, sometimes it’s really just that easy to distinguish yourself from your opponents.

As soon as Hillary Clinton said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” the Internet crashed under the weight of right wing tweeters crying “Plagiarism!” True story.

This just in, Bernie Sanders has announced that those damn kids need to get off his lawn now.

In her speech, Hillary said that Wall Street banks will start paying their fair share once she’s President. And if there’s anyone who knows how big a share the Wall Street banks can afford to pay, it’s Hillary Clinton.

So, despite the fact that the DNC got high ratings, that it managed to nominate Hillary Clinton before she got sent to jail for something, that Bernie Sanders offered an endorsement without requiring so much arm twisting that it left visible marks, or that Bill Clinton kept his hands to himself, there were still a few things the Democrats stumbled over, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Twelve Missed Opportunities at the 2016 DNC:
12. Didn’t settle Bernie vs Hillary feud on an episode of Lip Sync Battle

11. Didn’t hand out shots every time someone on Fox News said “Lewinsky”

10. Had no one on stage who could out-yell Trump or Giuliani

9. Failed to capitalize on Republican ire over Bradley Cooper’s appearance at the DNC by featuring other movie stars Republicans thought were on their side, like Darth Vader, Dracula or Mothra

8. Passed on appearance of Dukakis in a tank that could’ve reminded everyone the party has done worse

7. Were unable to get #Donaldisapoopyhead trending on Twitter

6. Couldn’t get Lin-Manuel Miranda on board for Hillary — An American Musical

5. Forgot to ban selfies of people standing next to Tim Kaine in the mistaken belief he was a lifeless statue

4. Cancelled previously scheduled primetime version of “Pin a Charge on Hillary”

3. Missed out on obvious Steve Guttenberg endorsement

2. Could not lock down whether or not Vince Foster’s original autopsy report was ever on Hillary’s email server

1. Couldn’t find anything to offer Hillary if she’d just step back and let anybody else run

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, renew that passport, finalize your escape plan, don’t open any emails from Hillary that look like they have Cyrillic letters in the subject, decide if you wanna see no evil or hear no evil or speak no evil when we blast ourselves into our inevitable Planet of the Apes future, try to figure out a distinguishing feature about Tim Kaine in case you’re ever asked to identify him in an emergency, figure out if there is possibly a way you can boo and vote at the same time, stop it with the Fight Song already and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “these jokes were way better before Russia hacked my email” green