Sure, do an Election Day update. It’s fast, it’s easy, and it only takes a day. There’s no way it could go as badly as the last time you tried it back in 2000. No way at all…

Last night while several battleground states were still counting votes, President Trump prematurely declared victory. If you may recall, Stormy Daniels warned us this was a possibility with him.

What I don’t understand is why so many people were surprised he did it. All signs pointed to this happening, the biggest sign, of course, being that he’d previously said he wouldn’t do it. Saying one thing while he’s planning to do the opposite is kind of his tell.

I think a lot of people voted for Trump because they figured with four more years he might finally — even if completely by accident — release his health care plan.

Granted, most of them voted for him because of the white supremacy, but some did it for the health care thing.

And some did it only for the Tweets:

I wonder if it’s possible for that IRS audit to last another four years, though.

Trump also announced he’s asking for a recount in Wisconsin, which is his right. Candidates have to pay for recalls they ask for, at a cost of approximately $3 million, so I would strongly suggest that Wisconsin get that money up front, if you know what I mean.

Joe Biden, in contrast, has spoken twice about patience. Patience in waiting for all the ballots to be counted. Patience in waiting for him to get his transition team up and running. Patience in waiting for the Democratic Party to become a party people actually want to vote for, and not just occasionally feel like they have to vote for to prevent the GOP from turning the country into an authoritarian nightmare.

To be honest, I’m not sure I can live long enough to see that last one.

Trump is actually threatening at least 3 lawsuits right now, and even Rudy Giuliani can’t handle all of them, so it’s obvious the President is going to need some more lawyers. I wonder if he’s desperate enough yet to give this guy a call…

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for another Election Day Update, since it’s obvious this is just going to drag on forever at this point.

T “I declare that every Happy Friday Top Ten List in history was hilarious” green

They’re counting up the votes and people are counting up their anxieties and I’m counting up how many bottles of Jack Daniels I’ve got in the house in case I need them.

Which makes me wonder, what time exactly does the Trump campaign hand out the paper cups of Kool-Aid tonight? And do you all have to drink them at the same time or does it vary by time zone?

Just like all of you, I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of political memes over the last 4 years. The latest one is from Republican voters telling me it’s important to vote policy, not personality. And that’s fair. But they’re not telling me which policies I’m supposed to vote for. The policies that block legal immigration? The policies that want to take away health care from millions of people without offering up a replacement? The policies that hand huge tax cuts to rich people and corporations while specifically screwing over taxpayers in left-leaning states? The policies that totally ignore a global pandemic? There’s just so much to choose from. They need to be more specific.

In other news of the coming Apocalypse, this week Costco stopped carrying a brand of coconut water because the company that makes the water uses forced monkey labor to gather the coconuts, which just goes to prove that I’m the only person who’s actually watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies and knows what forced monkey labor leads to.

The bad news is the President has threatened to send his lawyers anywhere he thinks the vote count is suspicious. The good news is, this is one of his lawyers:

Trump is riding out election night in the White House, where he’ll be hosting a party of approximately 250 people. It was originally going to be a larger group, but 250 is all that’s left from his circle that he hasn’t infected with COVID.

Remember when Bernie Sanders thought he was gonna be President? Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

I don’t know who’s going to win this election, though I’ve got my suspicions. But one thing I know for sure is that win or lose, on the morning of January 21, 2021, Donald Trump will be planted in front of a TV, watching Fox and Friends, and not doing the job of the President of the United States.

And that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Stay tuned to find out how the series finale of American Democracy ends. Wait, no, I meant season finale, not series finale. Didn’t I?

T “too early to call” green

Election Day rolls on, though to be honest I mostly know that because cable news is dredging up anyone with a pulse and a webcam to offer up an opinion on what’s happening. I apologize in advance if I miss any of you folks when you get your 15 minutes.

There was an awkward moment at the polls this morning when First Lady Melania Trump had trouble reading her ballot. She told the poll workers she just wanted to vote for the barely coherent old man who could barely get through an entire day without embarrassing himself and they said they’d need some more info in order to narrow it down.

And speaking of Melania, if her husband loses I wonder if this is the night he tells her that there’s not enough money in the bank to cover her pre-nup. Might as well tear off all the band-aids at the same time, right?

This week McDonald’s announced it’s bringing the McRib back for a limited time nationwide, so that even if Trump loses you’ll still have all the pig anus in your life that you want in the month of December.

And speaking of pig anus, in South Carolina Lindsey Graham is battling it out in a close race to hold on to his seat. Things got so bad he was reduced to begging for donations on Fox News, and that got him in trouble because you’re only allowed to go on Fox News to beg for money if you’ve got a book to sell. Preferably with the word “killing” somewhere in the title, but they’ve relaxed that rule a little since they had to fire Bill O’Reilly.

This week in the first real look he’s given us at his health care plan, President Trump abandoned his rally attendees to the cold and darkness three different times. But the good news is this plan has a lot less paperwork than Obamacare.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton both voted this morning. Clinton voted for Biden, and Bush declined to say who he voted for. Oddly enough, in an early count of votes in Chicago it was revealed that Former President Harry Truman also cast a vote for Joe Biden this morning.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this week that if the Democrats hold on to their majority in the House, she will run again to be Speaker of the House. Because apparently the age limit for running for anything in Congress is like 150.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani’s had kind of a rough time of it lately, but despite all that he still wants to make sure everybody gets out to vote and stays safe while doing so, as you’ll see if you take a look at…

Rudy Giuliani’s Top Five Election Day Tips:

5. When you leave your coffin to vote, make sure the sun is completely down first.

4. Be sure to use an absentee ballot if your polling place is a church or other house of worship

3. If you encounter a young woman who wants to talk to you while you’re on your way to vote, definitely follow her to whatever hotel room she wants to to lead you into

2. It’s best to mail in your ballot if you plan to spend a couple of months dumpster diving for opposition research in the Ukraine

1. Be sure to vote for whoever offers a health care plan that will let you replace all your ugly teeth at once, so you don’t have to replace the top ones and then just stop there for some reason.

And that’s all we have time for this afternoon. Get out there and vote if you haven’t already, and we’ll be back tonight for the Lightning Round, when the pundits get louder and the need for a stiff drink doubles.

T “ask not what your Top Five list can do for you” green

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. I know it’s been awhile since the last time we did one of these. It was on the occasion of Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, which feels like it was 3,000 years ago but really was only about 2,578 years ago, so that’s hardly any time at all. But since we’re about to live through the biggest Election Day since the last one, I thought it might be fun to drop in and see if we learned anything from last time.

Me, I learned that a lot of people were clearly not paying attention in grammar school, but that’s just me.

There’s gonna be a lot of map watching today. To see which states go for each candidate, sure. But also to see which countries might let President Trump move there if he loses and has to hide out from the US Justice system.

But by now the polls are open across the United States, and so far today Trump has only filed 6 lawsuits with the Supreme Court to cancel the election and declare him the winner, so it’s obvious he’s treating the day with the respect it deserves.

The President is also planning to spend the day rage-tweeting about Hillary’s emails and the size of his inauguration crowd, so don’t be alarmed if it feels like Twitter is accidentally reposting things from four years ago. That’s actually new content.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden started his Election Day at church, where he visited the grave of his dead son Beau Biden. Or as the President referred to it, “not being good enough to get a guest slot on Fox and Friends like I did, loser.”

Biden has a big day ahead of himself, though. His schedule shows a mid-morning nap, an afternoon nap, an early evening siesta, two power naps, and an hour of executive time, with the location for that given as the comfy chair in his study.

The President, on the other hand, will be holding multiple rallies across the country because it turns out he has not yet hit his annual quota for spreading the coronavirus. If he hits his quota he gets a bonus — several thousand fewer fans to have to pretend he likes, so here’s wishing the President good luck as he tried to achieve that goal.

A group of Trump supporters blocked traffic on the Garden State Parkway this weekend, which just goes to show that despite catching the coronavirus at the White House last month, former governor Chris Christie is still willing to pitch in with some campaign ideas. Good for you, Governor.

There was an awkward moment at the ballot box this morning when candidate Joe Biden was overheard requesting a write-in ballot and asking how to spell “Obama.”

Recently Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was photographed with bruises on his face and dark purple hands. He said he was fine, but people were understandably curious as to what had happened to him. It remained a mystery until now, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Five Explanations For What the Hell Happened to Mitch McConnell:

5. Prince cosplay went horribly awry

4. Tried to Smurf himself and something went Smurfy

3. His own blood said, “I’ve had enough of this clown” and went looking for a better home

2. Wanted to more closely resemble his favorite President but they were out of orange paint at the Walmart

1. Swiped a piece of gum from Violet Beauregard and is just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to sing him off

And that’s all we have time for in this morning’s Election Day update. We’ll be back in a couple of hours for another check on today’s progress.

T “Dewey Defeats Truman” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!