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By Tgreen, April 17, 2010 11:40 pm

A couple more random thoughts as we pack for the return trip home…

If you name your kid Mason, you’re probably dooming him to a lifetime of yokeldom.

If you like white people with a side of white people, Disney’s your place. If you like white people with a side of not-white people, you might wanna try Universal.

While driving between Disney attractions, your best bet it to read the roadsigns, decide what you think the sign is telling you to do, and then do the opposite of that. Trust me on this.

I’ve seen the future, and it’s in scooter rentals.

If the Country Bears Jamboree is temporarily closed, no one appreciates it if you announce in a loud voice that it’s closed because one of the bears mauled someone.

If you stand between a resort guest and a free soda refill, there’s a good chance you’re gonna get hurt.

Star Tours is all the proof you need that even the Lucas people know the prequel movies are crap. It’s the only Disney ride I’ve done twice, and it’s exactly the same as it was in 1993. Not an Anakin or Jar Jar to be found.

If you like a parade, you need to come to Disney, because you can’t take five steps without tripping over one. Though by the time a Mickey Mouse float came by to celebrate Tgreen Drops A Deuce, I knew they’d gone too far.

When you see an 80-year old with a First Disney Visit pin, you have to wonder what he was waiting for. Or you have to wonder if his family just waited until he didn’t know where he was anymore and they just tossed him into the car.

The bibles in Disney hotel rooms are not Mickey’s Bible Tales, though they really should be.

Universal’s Islands of Adventure has a Marvel Superheroes attraction that’s 1992tastic.

I think “Epcot” is Esperanto for “buy lots of foreign crap”.

If it’s appeared onscreen for more than a second in a Disney movie, it’s stamped on a piece of merchandise.

Somewhere out there in this great country of ours, the Mohawk and the Mullet are still highly popular hairstyles for gentlemen. And ladies, don’t you fret, there’s also something out there that’s quite popular and can best be described as the “Modified Aunt Bee”.

Using spray-on sunscreen can leave you looking greasier than Steven Segal at a strip club buffet.

Sequels to bad blog posts are about as entertaining as sequels to bad movies. And they don’t come with popcorn.

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By Tgreen, April 14, 2010 5:44 pm

People have been asking me if I plan to blog about my vacation, and I probably will, once I get home. Not enough time to gather and then organize my thoughts to provide you with the brilliant comedic stylings you’re used to around here.

Ahem.

But since I find myself with a small break between Disney park and dinner, I figured I’d throw down some random thoughts to tide us all over until I can write something real, with pictures. So, here’s what’s been rattling around my head since I left Brooklyn…

You can drive 832 miles and still get stuck driving behind some asshole from New Jersey.

The second-saddest kids you’ll ever see are the kids leaving a Disney park.

The saddest kids you’ll ever see are the kids actually inside a Disney park. I do not know why this is.

Salamanders on the ceiling run pretty quick.

After 3 days surrounded by tourists, I think I could make big money by starting a game show called Gay or Foreign?

It doesn’t feel so bad to be disconnected from your home teams when your home teams suck.

Nobody looks good in the Goofy-ears hat. Nobody.

Every day I’ve turned on the local news I’ve either heard about a missing kid, a carjacked old lady, or a SWAT team busting up a house. And people complain about NYC?

Florida is apparently the land of oranges, pecans, and McRibs.

It you actually tried to eat all the food you get on the dining plan, you’d get so big you’d never be able to fit through the park exit.

People from England have way more important things to do than worry about the fact that you were in line before them.

If you name one of your kids Melissa, and the other BJ, you should probably carefully consider in which order you’re going to call for them in a crowded theme park.

Most empty threat overheard so far, from angry mother to bratty son: “Do you want to go back to the room?” Like mom’s gonna sit in the room all day to teach the kid a lesson.

They like their Waffle Houses in North Carolina, and their Taco Bells in Virginia.

In the Hall of Presidents, the animatronic presidents don’t break out into a fight, which kind of ruins the whole thing.

Turns out, the throttle control sensor is a pretty important part in a car.

About the only thing they haven’t slapped Mickey’s face on is condoms. And I haven’t been to every store yet so I could still be wrong about that.

Seriously, Gay or Foreign? Win fabulous prizes.

The most terrifying ride in all of Florida may be the E.T. ride at Universal, because the whole time you don’t know if they’re suddenly going to start playing that Neil Diamond Heartlight song.

Or make you play the old Atari 2600 E.T. game for 10 minutes before they let you out.

Jacksonville and Orlando aren’t nearly as close together as they should be.

I’m expecting the entire New York Rangers team to show up any minute, now that they have nothing better to do.

In hindsight, it’s probably not a good idea to ask a Georgia State Trooper if he knows Sheriff Lobo.

Random thoughts aren’t terribly interesting once they’re all typed out.