Sure, do an Election Day update. It’s fast, it’s easy, and it only takes a day. There’s no way it could go as badly as the last time you tried it back in 2000. No way at all…

Last night while several battleground states were still counting votes, President Trump prematurely declared victory. If you may recall, Stormy Daniels warned us this was a possibility with him.

What I don’t understand is why so many people were surprised he did it. All signs pointed to this happening, the biggest sign, of course, being that he’d previously said he wouldn’t do it. Saying one thing while he’s planning to do the opposite is kind of his tell.

I think a lot of people voted for Trump because they figured with four more years he might finally — even if completely by accident — release his health care plan.

Granted, most of them voted for him because of the white supremacy, but some did it for the health care thing.

And some did it only for the Tweets:

I wonder if it’s possible for that IRS audit to last another four years, though.

Trump also announced he’s asking for a recount in Wisconsin, which is his right. Candidates have to pay for recalls they ask for, at a cost of approximately $3 million, so I would strongly suggest that Wisconsin get that money up front, if you know what I mean.

Joe Biden, in contrast, has spoken twice about patience. Patience in waiting for all the ballots to be counted. Patience in waiting for him to get his transition team up and running. Patience in waiting for the Democratic Party to become a party people actually want to vote for, and not just occasionally feel like they have to vote for to prevent the GOP from turning the country into an authoritarian nightmare.

To be honest, I’m not sure I can live long enough to see that last one.

Trump is actually threatening at least 3 lawsuits right now, and even Rudy Giuliani can’t handle all of them, so it’s obvious the President is going to need some more lawyers. I wonder if he’s desperate enough yet to give this guy a call…

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for another Election Day Update, since it’s obvious this is just going to drag on forever at this point.

T “I declare that every Happy Friday Top Ten List in history was hilarious” green

  

Former New York Governor George Pataki threw his hat into the ring for the 2016 Presidential race this week. With the list of Republican hopefuls growing by the day, it’s getting harder and harder for prospective candidates to stand out from the pack. Fortunately, the ways to praise Pataki practically write themselves (which is good because that means you can’t blame me for writing this crap), as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Proposed George Pataki Campaign Slogans:

10. Pataki. The “P” isn’t silent. And yes, this is literally the most interesting personal fact we could come up with

9. Upstate New York’s Finest. You know, Upstate New York? That part of New York no one ever thinks about except for the first 10 seconds after an I Love New York commercial?

8. A better choice than Joe Biden. If Biden was running. Which so far he isn’t

7. No truth to the rumor he waited until Letterman retired to announce his campaign to avoid the additional ridicule

6. No truth to the rumor that Letterman even remembers who he is

5. Yes, he’s another pasty rich white guy, but at least he’s not crazy religious too

4. Of course he was Governor of New York. For several years. Before the blind guy and the guy who slept with the hooker. Just look him up on Wikipedia already

3. Almost never says “How high?” anymore when Rudy Giuliani says “Jump!”

2. Shows up regularly on Fox News, and you know Fox News won’t put on just any old crank with money and a tie

1. All of Trump’s chances of winning with none of Trump’s baggage

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that has chosen to define the word “weekly” as “appears whenever the hell I want it to” in order to not technically be lying about the schedule around here. But I need to be careful, because it’s just that kind of thinking that could accidentally get me into politics and apparently once you get into politics you’re contractually obligated to either send a picture of your underwear zone to your Twitter followers or be a hypocritical douche about every single point for the rest of your career. And frankly, Twitter’s already asked me to stop sending out those pictures on at least a half dozen occasions.

And speaking of underwear zone pictures, NY Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted this week that his Twitter account wasn’t hacked, as he originally claimed, and that he actually did send out a lewd picture of his weiner to one of his Twitter followers. But it could’ve been worse, since I’m told his nickname in college was “Taint,” so we probably all dodged a bullet on what kind of picture he could’ve sent out.

The day after Weiner held his press conference about the picture and vowed not to resign, news leaked that his wife is 3 months pregnant. Which is great, because if there’s one thing worse than living with a hellaciously pissed off wife, it’s probably living with a hellaciously pissed off wife who’s going through 9 months of hormone spikes. And ironically, it was Weiner’s weiner that caused this problem in the first place and then made it worse for him. What’s it going to do to him next, show up in a nightvision video with a Khardashian sister?

In other political news, this week GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich saw his entire campaign staff resign at once. While this does seem to seriously damage the former House Speaker’s chances of getting elected, things could be worse. His staff could’ve told him it was leaving while he was laid up in the hospital fighting cancer. So look on the bright side, Newt.

This week rumors surfaced that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is interested in leaving her post to take a job running the World Bank. And I have to say that during a week when the biggest news story involves a sex scandal and a penis, Hillary is not the Clinton whose name I would expect to turn up.

In sports news, this week in the NBA finals, the Miami Heat’s LeBron James has only scored about 4 more 4th quarter points than I have, which is probably not what Miami had been counting on when they signed him.

In other sports news, this week the NHL is also holding the Stanley Cup finals. And by writing that sentence , I may have just doubled the amount of coverage the NHL gets in the media at this time of year.

In entertainment news, reports say that work has begun on the script for The Hangover 3. Since that work mostly involves a search and replace on the Hangover 2 script to change the name of the city it takes place in, they could start shooting this masterpiece by next Tuesday afternoon.

Last night a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park had to be cancelled due to a torrential downpour, thus proving that sometimes Mother Nature is looking out for us after all, lack of daily tornado attacks on Ke$ha’s house notwithstanding.

New York City is partnering with AT&T to bring free WiFi to several city parks. Possibly including some that fall within Anthony Weiner’s district. So be careful if you get a tweet from him that promises a nature photo.

This week officials in Alaska are releasing 42,199 pages of emails from Sarah Palin’s half-term in office, nearly 3 years after they were originally requested. Officials explained the delay by claiming they wanted to release them 3 years ago but it just took this long for their spellchecker to fix all the mistakes that kept them from being readable.

And in Breaking News, the Happy Friday News Team has just read the first Sarah Palin email. The subject line says “I can haz VP job?” it would appear that 3 years wasn’t a long enough wait.

This week DC comics announced that it’s rebooting its entire line of comics this September, while at the same time making all new issues available to purchase digitally on the same day they’re released into stores. And in related news, several thousand men in their 20s and 30s announced that starting in September they have one less reason to ever leave the house.

As the whole Anthony Weiner story unfolded, the Congressman admitted that besides sending the one lewd picture that became public, he’d also been involved in online relationships with six other women, which immediately raised the question of what other pictures he might have been sending out. Question no longer, as you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Questionable Things Anthony Weiner Sent Out On Twitter:
10. Picture of him at Sarah Palin rally
9. Recipe for his version of McDonald’s special sauce
8. Picture of him in Wonder Woman Underoos
7. The five Ke$ha lyrics that have touched his soul
6. A hundred-page text file outlining how the 2009 Star Trek movie could not possibly have been connected to the original Star Trek universe
5. Autographed picture of Bill Clinton’s penis
4. Several poorly-written Top Ten lists attributed to someone named “Tgreen”
3. Map with directions to his three favorite Chili’s restaurants
2. Link to pirated version of upcoming Green Lantern movie that’s still missing most of its special effects shots and is therefore approximately 3 minutes long
1. Picture of Lady Gaga’s penis

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next week (uh, yeah, sure, let’s go with that), stay cool, stay hydrated, stay the hell off of Twitter when you’re lounging around in your underwear and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “would it kill Heather Graham to send out a couple of lewd photos? I’m just saying” green