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By Tgreen, April 8, 2011 10:00 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday! And just how happy a Friday is it? Well, we’ve got a possible government shutdown looming at midnight, so if you’re like me and you enjoy a good political trainwreck, then it’s pretty damn happy. But what if you’re not like me? Besides being one lucky son of a bitch, where can you go to see your concerns vented? Well, just for today, I’ve got you covered too. Today while we wait out those bastards in DC, let’s take a look at both sides of the story in double Top Ten list form. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Look Forward To A Government Shutdown:
10. No more FCC means someone can finally show Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, which is literally the only reason she ever got famous in the first place
9. How can your payment to the IRS be late if there’s no one there to take in the mail?
8. No government = no chance of ever having to say “President Gingrich”
7. Finally a political story to bump Obama’s birth certificate down a notch in importance (Fox News viewers can safely ignore this one)
6. Jay Leno can go back to his 1995 joke vault, thereby updating his nightly material by at least a decade
5. Vegas will start giving odds on who can resolve things first, Democrats and Republicans or NFL owners and players
4. Chances of us finding a fourth Middle East war to get involved in drop by at least 10%
3. No government means there’s one less thing for Sarah Palin to offer her “expert analysis” about
2. At least now Barack Obama will have some free time to start replying to all those “Congratulations!” emails he got back in November, 2008
1. Finally John Boehner has something to cry about

And if you don’t agree with all that, maybe you’ll agree with this…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons This Government Shutdown Is A Terrible Idea:
10. Dick Cheney might finally be able to launch his takeover attempt from his secret base on the moon
9. Lack of new government news might mean Fox and MSNBC will have to start airing reruns from the Clinton and Bush years
8. We no longer have Larry King to ease us through this troubled time
7. That unemployment extension check isn’t gonna mail itself, you know
6. All those poor members of Congress who made this happen are going to lose their paychecks and might end up out on the streets…oh, wait
5. Bill Clinton could try to swing by the White House to check up on the current crop of interns
4. Canada might realize this would be the perfect time to launch their secret invasion plan
3. Anti-government crackpots are suddenly gonna have a lot of free time on their hands until they figure out who they’re supposed to hate now
2. Little-known Constitutional loophole reverts control of USA back to England if government shuts down for two weeks, and that might interfere with the Royal Wedding plans
1. Barack Obama will have plenty of free time to Photoshop himself a birth certificate

So there you have it, the pros and cons of the government shutdown, all in convenient Top Ten form. Now go on and do something productive for the rest of the day. If you can pry yourself away from Farmville long enough, that is.

T “point/counterpoint” green

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By Tgreen, October 22, 2010 1:58 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday!, the weekly blog post that actually appears on a schedule so random that the odds of it actually appearing on a Friday are somehow even worse than 1 in 7.

This week Apple CEO announced record profits for the last quarter, saw the price of Apple shares go above $300, unveiled 2 new MacBook Air models, gave a sneak peek at the next version of the Mac OS, and then met with President Obama to discuss the economy and technology. And he did it all while maintaining one of the top 5 best farms in Farmville.

About the only thing Jobs didn’t do was head on up to his secret base on the moon. Or did he?

This week the Vatican announced that Homer Simpson is, in fact, Catholic, which makes sense because why wouldn’t Homer belong to a religion where they give out free wine every week? Though mostly I think the Vatican announced this just to fuck with the next Dan Brown novel.

It’s good the Vatican cleared this up, because this is exactly the kind of important issue Catholics the world over want the Church to spend time on.

Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione died this week. To honor his memory, men of a certain age will be flying at half mast this weekend.

Former President George W Bush indicated this week that he sees not privatizing Social Security as the biggest failure of his eight years in office. This is a surprising choice, since it doesn’t even make most people’s Top 100 list of his biggest failures.

I guess maybe he considers his second biggest failure to be not finding enough reasons to give speeches while wearing a flight suit. And his third not being awesome enough.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh this week spent some time talking about pictures of President Obama that made the President, in Limbaugh’s words, look “demonic”. Left unsaid was whether the demonic Obama in any way resembled whatever demon Limbaugh signed his soul away to in exchange for the big radio ratings and the gigantic bad of Oxycontin he used to have delivered to the house every month.

New research shows that the popular story of the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world on December 12, 2012 may actually be based on a miscalculation. According to the latest calculations, the world won’t end on December 12, 2012 but will actually end on whatever day the New York Jets appear closest to winning a Super Bowl game.

It was announced this week that President Obama will be appearing on the cable show Mythbusters. Given the way things have gone for him since he got elected, the only way he could appear on a more unfortunately-titled show would be if he was a guest on something like Hooray For The Bestest President Ever Who Has Saved The World And Made The Universe Better For Us All, Yay!, and for better or worse, FOX News canceled that show as soon as Bush left office.

This week Sony announced it’s finally stopping production of the cassette Walkman, once someone realized the calendar hanging in the production factory was left over from 1987.

In a new memoir by a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was revealed this week that during the Clinton presidency, the codes required to launch a nuclear strike were actually misplaced for several months. Though the most logical conclusion to draw is that Hillary was holding on to them in case Bill got out of line again after the whole Monica fiasco.

Scientists revealed this week that they’ve observed the oldest object in the universe. To do this, they tuned their television to CNN at 9PM Eastern time and there it was, conducting an interview with Snooki.

In other science news, NASA recently unveiled the results of last year’s experiment to find water on the moon, and it turns out there’s a lot more ice and water up there than previously believed. Almost enough, in fact, to serve up cocktails to any aliens drawn here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

Millions of TV viewers in the NYC area have been missing out on entertainment and sports programming since FOX pulled its channels from Cablevision due to a payment dispute. Picking a side in a conflict like this is kind of like trying to decide who to root for in a fight between the guy who raped you in the prison shower and the guy who shanked you in the prison cafeteria. In other words, you’re screwed no matter who wins.

Fast food mecca McDonald’s recently announce that it’s bringing back the McRib to most of its locations for a limited time starting in November. They’re so excited they’re working on a huge advertising push to make sure everyone has a chance to sample the processed pork sandwich. Of course, when you’re trying so hard to advertise, there’s always a chance you’re gonna burn through some bad ideas before you get to the winning one, as you can see here in…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Rejected McDonald’s McRib slogans:
10. McRib: Those rumors that it tastes just like Soylent Green are totally untrue and slanderous!
9. McRib: We devised a whole Man vs Food challenge around it that got rejected because it didn’t meet the “Food” criteria!
8. McRib: Now at least 87% mouse-carcass-free, give or take a couple of percentage points!
7. McRib: Each McRib grown organically in a lab in Brazil’s rainforest!
6. McRib: Buy one today or we bring back the Shamrock Shake!
5. McRib: The McRib’s special meat is even more special than the special sauce in the Big Mac!
4. McRib: Have It Your Way, as long as your way involves throwing a whole pig into a blender!
3. McRib: Buy two; it’s the tastiest murder/suicide method around!
2. McRib: You can’t handle the truth!
1. McRib: Guess who’s cornered the market on pig anus again!

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stop eating all the candy you bought to hand out to trick-or-treaters, put the finishing touches on that “The Situation” costume you’re planning to wear, accept the fact that just because you want a scary Halloween lawn doesn’t mean you can bury grandpa out there, and, most importantly, have a Happy Friday!

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By Tgreen, June 18, 2010 1:52 am

So after spending a month lost in a writing frenzy, all I had to show for it was a pile of words that may or may not have all fit together and a little picture I added to a blog post to show that I “won”. And that was pretty much it, except for one other cool thing. I could also get a free copy of my book from CreateSpace. An actual, honest-to-God, you can hold it in your hands printed book. I got one one before, when I won NaNoWriMo 2005, and even though I won in 2006 too by writing more than 50,000 words, I never finished the story so I never got my book. This time around, since the free book offer was good until July 2, I figured I’d edit the book, make something presentable out of it, and then get a free copy of that. And so during the week after Christmas, when I was off from work, I went to Staples, got some paper and a binder, printed the whole mess out and set to editing.

Cut to June and I have a binder full of paper I haven’t even finished reading yet, much less started marking it up with red pen. Though honestly I think I’m gonna need a box of red pens to get through this one. But the point is, July 2 is roaring down the tracks, aimed straight at me, and I’ve got nothing but the same pile of words I had at the end of November. So this week I formatted them, slapped together a cover, and sent the whole thing to CreateSpace to turn it into a book. I finished that process tonight, so in a couple of weeks I’ll open my mailbox and find a 122-page pile of words that may or may not fit together, but at least they’ll look like something real. It should be cool, and I’m hoping that reading through this book will finally get me working on this story that at one point I’m sure I thought could turn into something decent. I’ll probably post a picture of the book when it shows up, and maybe I’ll post one of the 2005 book as well. For now, here’s a quick look at the artwork I submitted for the cover:

And you know what the scary part is? With one simple click of a button, I could have this thing on sale at Amazon.com tomorrow. I won’t, because it’s a steaming pile of bad words right now. But I could. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The thing is, now that I’ve spent all this time learning how to design and format a book, I feel like I should find something profitable to do with that knowledge. Hmmm, if only I had a backlog of material that could be slapped together into some kind of book. If I had something like that, like a bunch of emails and blog posts from the last 15 years, I could do something. If only.

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By Tgreen, March 16, 2010 12:28 am

Tree, meet car

Take two days of steady rain, add two large doses of hurricane-force winds, mix in one SUV, and enjoy for a bracing Monday morning extravaganza. Not my car, thankfully.

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By Tgreen, December 31, 2009 6:01 pm

So, another year is over, and as midnight approaches you’re most likely sitting somewhere surrounded by strangers, adult beverage locked in a death grip to keep yourself company, wondering just how 2009 got away from you, and worried that if you blink, you’re gonna find yourself in the same spot with the same adult beverage wondering the same thing about 2010. At this point you’re gonna need something familiar to cling to, some comfortable old friend who will remind you that it’s gonna be aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright. And that’s where old Uncle T steps in. Not me specifically, because I’m about as comforting as some bottom-shelf tequila mixed with Tabasco, but rather, some Top Ten (or so) lists, that are always comforting because they just recycle the same punchlines from the last 14 years, so it’s not like your brain gets a big workout. So while you’re rattling the ice cubes around in your glass to make it look like you’re still engaged with the rest of the world, why not take a quick look back at 2009? Maybe you’ll even be able to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went off the rails for you. Stranger things have happened, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Obama’s Inauguration:
10. Realized halfway through that no one had explained to George Bush that he had to go back to Texas when it was all over
9.  Bill Clinton asked if he could just duck into the Oval Office bathroom for a few seconds
8.  Fox News’ Special Report, The Obama Presidency, A Study in Failure, aired a half hour before the swearing-in even started
7.  Spent nearly an hour wiping off all of Keith Olbermann’s drool
6. Thomas Jefferson’s ghost made numerous attempts to hook up with Mrs. Obama
5.  White House power shorted out by feedback from Dick Cheney’s secret death ray
4.  Forced to stop in middle of first Inaugural Ball dance to break up fight over whether he’s a socialist or a fascist
3. Inaugural motorcade interrupted by Dick Cheney’s secret ninjas
2. First hour in Oval Office spent listening to Hillary Clinton’s explanation of how it was still not too late to dump Biden for her
1. Chemical spill in White House basement accidentally destroyed secret army of Dick Cheney clones

Of course, Obama wasn’t the only political story of 2009. Sarah Palin continued her drive toward 2012 by writing a memoir that immediately shot to the top of the bestseller lists. There were immediate concerns that the book wasn’t 100% accurate, as you’ll see by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Question The Validity Of Sarah Palin’s Memoir:
10.  First five pages of biography appear to have been lifted from a book about President Lincoln, with only the names changed
9. Chapter on foreign policy experience includes four different French fry recipies
8. Section on everything she plans to accomplish as governor of Alaska hastily whited out
7.  Even with a year to think about it, still lists Bazooka Joe comics as her major source for news
6. Among things she trashes John McCain for is “did lousy job of picking VP nominee”
5. Every anecdote about life on the campaign trail ends with a moose getting killed — even the one that takes place in Hawaii
4. Continues to ignore George Bush’s friend requests on Facebook
3.  Refuses to apologize for giving Levi Johnston his 15 minutes of fame
2. Claims first anti-crime campaign she ever launched when she was mayor was against the Hamburglar
1.  Her list of favorite movies includes Caddyshack II and Ernest Goes to Jail

But it wasn’t all inaugurations and bestsellers in 2009. No, we had some national tragedies to deal with too. Like the whole Michael Jackson thing. Not that his death was as much a tragedy as something everyone had been expecting for at least a decade. But the way he was instantly turned from sort-of-creepy old dude who’d been riding the goodwill from Thriller for more than 2 decades into national hero was tragic yet completely expected. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Highlights of Michael Jackson’s Funeral:
10.  It was the most lifelike he’d looked since at least 1992
9. Coffin needed a sidecar for all his old noses that were buried with him
8. Tribute by children who visited Neverland over the years and weren’t touched inappropriately was understandably short
7. Finally gave Tito a chance to prove to the world that he’s still alive
6. Forced MTV to play more than 3 videos in a row for the first time in a decade
5. Fans were able to vote on favorite Jackson album, favorite Jackson song, and favorite Jackson skin tone
4. Joe Jackson set new record for fastest transition from “Where Are They Now?” list to “Yeah, Still A Douche” list
3. Gave Emmanuel Lewis some much-needed screen time
2. Slash probably got some royalties from all the new sales of Black & White, which means he made more money off that than Axl Rose made off the last Guns ‘n Roses album
1.  Proposed afterlife duet with Elvis called off due to fact that Elvis is still alive

Now, if you want to talk about tragedies from 2009, you don’t have to look past the Fall TV schedule. Talk about a nightmare of “President Palin” proportions. It’s like every network executive took every opportunity to make every possible mistake, and then put it on the air for us to watch. Did they finally go too far? Can network television possibly get any worse? See what you think after reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Could Still Get Worse:
10.  Law & Order: Jay Leno Division
9.  Celebrity Twister, starring Betty White
8. The Newshour with Paris Hilton
7. Survivor: Newark
6. Love Boat: The Next Generation: The Next Generation
5.  Celebrity Rehab, Muppets Edition
4. Kelsey Grammar in, Nope, Still Not Playing Frasier Crane, But Please Watch For A Couple Of Weeks Anyway
3.  AfterScrubs (oh wait, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Has Already Gotten Worse)
2. Man vs Food vs Kelly Ripa
1. XFL Classics

And if you thought TV was bad, the Internet was even worse. There are actually, if you can believe this, people who think that they can slap together a page of poorly-thought-out Top Ten Lists and call it entertainment. Fortunately for all of us, more often than not they run out of time before they can really do damage to our psyches. Just imagine the horror if we’d been subjected to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Top Ten Lists That Might Have Appeared Here Today If I Hadn’t Gone Out To Lunch:
10. Top Ten Movies Based On Comic Books Nobody Remembers
9. Top Ten Things William Shatner Says After Sex
8. Top Ten Ways Your Boss Is Screwing You Even When You’re Not In The Office
7. Top Ten Episodes of According to Jim
6.  Top Ten Obama One-Liners On Fox News
5. Top Ten Rosie O’Donnell Sex Tapes
4.  Top Ten Other Wars Dick Cheney Tried To Start
3. Top Ten Soups That Are Orange
2. Top Ten People Having A Better New Year’s Eve Than You
1. Top Ten Lunches To Buy Tgreen To Keep Him From Writing Any More Top Ten Lists For Awhile

But you know, New Year’s Eve isn’t all about looking back. No, it’s a good time to look forward, to make resolutions, to figure out how to be better next year than you were last year. It’s also a time to take stock of your possesions and figure out how to cram even more junk into your house next year. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Five Products You Know You’ll Buy When They Go On Sale In 2010:

5:

Chocodiles Throwback

4.

RockBand Elvis!

3.

Kit Kat Bacon

2.

Charlie Sheen's Slap Chop

1.

Apple iLobot

And that’s it for 2009. See some of you back here in January for more of the same. Hope you all had a good 2009, and that 2010 has nothing but good stuff for you. As the man said, “here’s to the new year. Let’s hope it’s a damn sight better than the old one.”

T “have I said Happy New Year to you yet?” green

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By Tgreen, October 31, 2009 5:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s got a treat for you if you’ve got the right trick.

Nine months after leaving office, former President George W. Bush made his debut Monday in his latest incarnation: motivational speaker. He spoke for nearly 26 minutes on a variety of subjects, including one of the difficult decisions he was forced to make as President. No, not the war or the economic bailout or homeland security, but something even harder than that — picking the right Oval Office rug to reflect his optimism. That sure explains a lot, doesn’t it?

The former President is writing a book about the 12 hardest decisions he had to make while in office. Me, I’m looking forward to the chapter on “paper or plastic”.

Popular social network Facebook reminded members that it will “memorialize” profiles of the dead if their friends or family request it. These special accounts won’t have friend suggestions and won’t be available to people who weren’t already friends with the deceased, but it will still crank out regular updates on the deceased’s Mafia Wars and Farmville progress, because apparently even death can’t stop those posts.

Two Northwest Airlines pilots were using laptop computers in the cockpit as they flew past their Minneapolis destination last week, according to federal regulators. The pilots claim they flew for 78 minutes without speaking to controllers because they became so engrossed in a new computer program that arranges pilot schedules. Do you understand, they were using their laptops to check pilot schedules, not to look at porn. You can get porn on your computer? Wow, that’s nice to know, but these pilots were engrossed in their schedules. Not porn. Seriously, not porn.

A Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than $900,000 this week, thus guaranteeing that Tom Cruise will never visit France again, and making me wonder how no one in this country ever thought of this obvious-in-hindsight way of getting us a break from Tom Cruise.

A new study shows that children are more than twice as likely to be killed by a car while walking on Halloween than any other night of the year. And children wearing the controversial new “Johnny Traffic Cone” costume are more than four times as likely to be killed by a car.

In sports news, Mark McGwire is back in baseball, reunited with Tony La Russa as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach. And also, backup team doctor, based on his skill at delivering injections.

According to a new government report, nearly 650,000 jobs have been saved or created under President Barack Obama’s economic stimulus plan. Unfortunately for the President, 90% of those jobs are anti-Obama commentators on Fox News, and the rest are really just people who replied to that “Earn $2,000 per week working from home” e-mail that makes the rounds every now and then, and probably shouldn’t even count.

A man was caught by Norwegian customs carrying a tarantula in his bag, while also having 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to his body. Customs agents became suspicious when the man’s crotch began incessantly asking if they wanted to save money on their car insurance.

U.S. researchers reported this week that people with a particular gene variant performed more than 20 percent worse on a driving test than people with a different DNA sequence. That variant? Two X chromosomes.

Hey-oh!

This week in an interview with People magazine, tennis star Andre Agassi admitted that he used crystal meth periodically for “a year or so.” Which finally explains the whole Barbra Streisand relationship.

It’s Halloween as I write this, which means most of you are either out there Trick or Treating, or getting ready to go to a party tonight. For you last-minute costume shoppers, it’s very easy to end up with a really bad costume, as you’ll see when you look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Worst Halloween Costumes Still On Sale On Halloween Evening:
10. Bernard Madoff
9. Transexual Mexican Wrestler
8. UFL halfback
7. American Godzilla
6. Vampire from deleted scenes on True Blood DVD set
5. Open-minded Mormon
4. Gay Hitler
3. Narcoleptic cat
2. Mayor of Saskatoon
1. Laid-off GM employee

And that’s all we have time for this week. Last time I mentioned something about Happy Friday taking the month of November off. Is that still happening (after today’s edition I’m sure that idea has a certain charm)? Watch this space for more info starting November 1.

Until next time, don’t eat too much candy, watch out for the apple with the razor blade in it, don’t forget to tip your waitress and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “great balls of fire” green

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By Tgreen, October 24, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s feeling so tired tonight. So, so tired.

Last week rock band Def Leppard has canceled the final leg of its North American tour “due to unforeseen personal matters.” Those matters? Someone in the band apparently realized it was not, in fact, still 1988.

First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on Jay Leno’s new show on Friday. She apparently wanted the advantages of appearing on TV without the worry of having an audience watching and somehow Leno’s was the first name that came up.

On Wednesday, MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson by calling him Al Sharpton. And in a related story, Contessa Brewer will now be working for Fox News.

While Jackson was visibly unamused by the incident, Sharpton was willing to let it pass. “Hell, we’re both puffy black dudes who are always complaining about something. Even I can’t tell the two of us apart sometimes,” Sharpton said.

This week it was revealed that the ninth-season winner of Big Brother told a federal agent that he used his $500,000 prize to buy thousands of oxycodone pills and resell them, prompting Rush Limbaugh to call CBS and offer his services should they ever decide to do Celebrity Big Brother.

Apple this week surprised even optimistic speculators by posting a 47% increase in profit in the fourth quarter. Industry insiders are telling investors they can’t expect similar performance next quarter because the competition is stronger now that Microsoft has released the Zune HD and Windows 7. When asked to comment on that forecast, Apple CEO Steve Jobs bought Australia.

In other Windows 7 news, in honor of the new software release, Japan was lucky enough to play host to Burger King’s exclusive Windows 7 Whopper. Seven stacked beef patties extend the Whopper to over five inches in height all for appropriately ¥777 ($8.55). But it’s still better for you than Windows Vista.

A Texas man who confessed to sexually abusing a child over a three year period has been sentenced to 80 life sentences. But the good news is the Pope has already pardoned him.

It’s a big time of year for sports fans. The football season is in full swing, hockey just started, basketball is about to start, and baseball’s World Series is just days away. But what if you’re not a sports fan? How do you navigate this time of year without becoming a social outcast? Never fear, my sports-deprived friend, you can learn all you need to know by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Fake Being A New York Sports Fan In October:
10. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never mention the New York Mets, as they are all home watching football by October
9. Sprinkle your daily conversation liberally with “A-Rod”, “Jeets” and “Swishalicious”, in no particular order
8. While technically there is a team called the New York Islanders, you don’t have to worry about ever bumping into anyone who wants to talk about them
7. Without warning, grumble “Fucking Eli” several times every Monday morning
6. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing the Mad Dog
5. Say bad things about Philadelphia – it’s almost always appropriate
4. First half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it this year?”; second half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it next year?”
3. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing Billy Martin
2. If stumped by someone’s sports-related question, say you missed the game because you’re too busy training for the NYC Marathon (just don’t be 300 lbs when you say this)
1. Complain about how expensive a beer was the last time you went to a game

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for, if not an explanation for the lousy scheduling of late, then at least a compelling excuse for why Happy Friday may need to take November off. It’s a legitimately good reason, though, so you should be proud of me for that.

T “dammit Eli!” green

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By Tgreen, October 17, 2009 10:33 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently couldn’t hit a Friday if you paid it.

This week it was announced that Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the victims of the only atomic bombings in history, are teaming up to try to bring the Olympics to Japan in 2020. In related news, I hear Pearl Harbor might also be making a bid. Awkward!

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called out his wife, Maria Shriver, for apparently violating a state law he signed — holding her cell phone while driving. Her punishment? A marathon of Kindergarten Cop, The Last Action Hero, and Jingle All The Way.

Art experts believe they have identified a new Leonardo da Vinci in part by examining a fingerprint on the canvas. Said one expert, “Holy crap, this is like crossing CSI with a Dan Brown novel. Do you think Tom Hanks or David Caruso will play me in the movie?”

A London newspaper this week quoted Prince Philip as saying, “to work out how to operate a TV set you practically have to make love to the thing.” Which is probably an attractive option when you’ve been married to the Queen for so long.

Playboy magazine is turning over its cover to the matriarch of Springfield’s first family: Marge Simpson. Which almost – almost, mind you – almost justifies those things you used to do to yourself while watching Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Almost.

President Barack Obama pledged to end the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military in a speech last Saturday. His new “On the Down Low” plan will replace the current “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” plan. Just keep it on the DL, yo.

The Dallas Police Department is investigating more than 2,000 family violence cases stored in the garage of one of its 35-year veterans. Surprisingly, only 85% of them involved Dallas Cowboys players of the late 90s.

General Motors announced this week it had finalized plans to sell control of its iconic Hummer brand to a Chinese heavy equipment maker. Which means the next time you order some Moo Goo Gai Pan for delivery, you’d better give a good tip or that delivery boy is gonna drive right through your front door.

After sinking to a 12-year low back in March, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 Wednesday for the first time in a year, causing pharmacies in the Wall Street area to sell less Viagra than they have at any time since, well, March.

This week it was announced that Subway, riding high on the marketing message of healthy fast food, will overtake McDonald’s in American store locations by the end of 2009, with a total of more than 32,300 outlets. Rush Limbaugh immediately blamed President Obama for this tragic turn of events.

A review of past research finds that, by altering hormonal cycles, the pill might affect choice of mates among members of both genders. Ovulating women prefer typically “manly” men, while women who are not ovulating may prefer men with more feminine features, so by curtailing ovulation, the pill may be helping current male American Idol contestants breed the next generation of male American Idol contestants.

While on the other side of the equation, men still prefer to hook up with anyone who will take them, so actually, the pill hasn’t really changed anything there.

As you remember, last week there was a huge uproar when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize well before anybody thought he was qualified for such an honor. If people were mad about that, I can’t imagine what they’re going to think when they get a load of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Awards President Obama Has Won:
10. First Place, Miss America Pageant
9. Super Bowl XLIV Champion
8. Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
7. Best In Show, AKC National Championship
6. Blue Ribbon, 2009 Pinewood Derby
5. First Place, The Next Iron Chef
4. Winner, Big Brother 11
3. Pillsbury Bake-Off Gold Ribbon
2. Cover Model, 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
1. “Most Improved Penmanship”, Sister Elizabeth’s Third Grade Class

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the cupcakes and have a Happy Friday!

T “gigglefest” green

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By Tgreen, October 9, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that should probably invest in a decent calendar.

This week, in a move that surprised most everyone who heard about it, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said he won because of all the ways he plans to bring peace to the world, but we all know the real reason he won is because he’s not George Bush.

Which makes me wonder where my Nobel Peace Prize is. I mean, I’m not George Bush. And I’m totally planning on bringing out some world peace. I just have to finish the latest Poison Pen first. Yeah, new Poison Pen and then world peace. Any day now.

Anyway, while many people are quickly discounting Obama’s win, if you take a close look at his record you’ll see this award is not so outrageous after all, as proven by…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Qualified To Win The Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Never took sides in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars
9. Always ended every game of Risk with a peaceful negotiation
8. Didn’t launch even one missile when Chicago lost its Olympic bid
7. Is able to enjoy both The Simpsons and Family Guy every Sunday night on FOX
6. Stayed out of the Cola Wars of the 80s by sticking with RC
5. Totally sings along with that song that goes War, uh huh, good god, what is it good for, absolutely nothin’, I’ll say it again, yeah with a knowing look in his eye
4. Watched the original Star Wars a dozen times hoping that they could work things out without having to blow up Alderaan or the Death Star
3. During the mid-90s, made sure to watch both Leno’s and Letterman’s shows to keep the Late Night Wars from flaring up in his household
2. Saw Wargames three times in one day to ensure he’d be prepared if his Commodore Vic-20 ever tried to start a nuclear war, and not because the had a crush on Ally Sheedy
1. In nearly ten months as President has so far managed to prevent a full-scale zombie war from breaking out

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said this week that he’s teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. There’s no word yet on what color quarterback Rush would hire, but it won’t be a black one.

A judge said last week that he’s pleased with how Michael Jackson’s children are adjusting to being in their grandmother’s care. He then followed that statement with this answer to a reporter’s question, “No, I haven’t met Joe Jackson yet, why do you ask?”

A customer at a New Jersey Burger King drive-thru was slashed with a knife by a homeless person this week. Worst dollar menu item ever.

In hundreds of meetings with millions of its members to promote a health care overhaul, AARP has often found itself forced to referee a battle between generations. That battle? Get off my damn lawn!

Last week, Tufts University formalized what for many was probably an unspoken rule: no sex when a roommate is present, by adding a rule that students cannot have sex in their room if it will deprive their roommate of sleep or study time. My university had its own solution to the problem — there were only like a half dozen girls in the whole damn place.

Oh, and no dorm rooms either.

The average retail price for gasoline dipped below $2.50 a gallon for the first time in two months last Monday, prompting at least four oil executives to fire everyone responsible.

Employee misconduct investigations inside a taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants revealed that a senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer. The executive’s lawyer defended his client’s actions by saying he’d been hired during the Clinton administration, where 331 days of viewing pornography was considered rather low.

The ever-popular American Girls brand has released a controversial new doll named “Gwen,” a character who’s actually homeless. With a pricetag of $95, the doll is only about ten bucks cheaper than an actual homeless person.

Chicago’s dream of an Olympics-sized stimulus was dashed last week when the 2016 Summer Games were awarded to Rio de Janeiro, prompting talk show host Oprah Winfrey to drop Brazilian waxes from her list of “favorite things.”

This week NASA launched a mission to bomb the moon. Which really sounds a lot more like something that the Bush Administration would’ve tried if it thought the moon had messed with Texas.

The LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission sent a missile traveling at twice the speed of a bullet to blast a hole in the lunar surface near the moon’s South pole in an attempt to find signs of water on the moon. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Iran keeps giving for why it wants to launch a missile into downtown Jerusalem.

In other space news, astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life, or, at the very least, give us a new place for Republicans and Democrats to argue over who’s worse.

Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate, has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced, and the release date has been moved up from the spring to Nov. 17, her publisher said. Of course, when your biggest accomplishment is helping Tina Fey score an Emmy, one has to wonder why it even took this long to write a memoir. The book weighs in at 400 pages. That’s a lot of crayons.

Word is Rush Limbaugh’s already bought two tubes of lubrication to use while reading.

Talk show host David Letterman was recently the victim of a blackmail plot, which forced him to reveal that he’d had several sexual relationships with members of his Late Show staff. Hard to imagine, huh? Maybe not, once you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful David Letterman Pickup Lines:
10. Hey, baby, wanna let Paul and the band play you in?
9. Hey, baby, let me show you a really Stupid Human Trick
8. Hey, baby, wanna be a guest on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show?
7. Hey, baby, I’ll bring the monkey if you’ll bring the camera
6. Hey, baby, wanna find out if it’ll float?
5. Hey, baby, I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk
4. Hey, baby, I’ve got a cut of meat you should know
3. Hey, baby, I can take you right to prime time (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful Jay Leno Pickup Lines)
2. Hey, baby, wanna help me beat the Conan?
1. Hey, baby, wanna see my Top Ten?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the football and enjoy the hockey and enjoy…wait, are there any other sports still going on right now? I don’t think so.

T “what a lovely development this is” green

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By Tgreen, September 27, 2009 4:39 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s wondering, when you’re not sick enough to have Swine Flu, is there such a thing as Swine Head Cold?

Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards. And also, because the last white person who could pull off cornrows was Bo Derek 30 years ago.

Senior regulators say they are seriously considering a plan to have the nation’s healthy banks lend billions of dollars to rescue the insurance fund that protects bank depositors. I don’t know, but that sounds to me like if Allstate came by one night and hit you up for a loan because it had to help out the guy across the street who got rear-ended.

But on the bright side, unemployment’s so high these days that it’s not like anyone has any money in the bank anymore anyway, so who’s gonna get hurt when the next one fails?

The Uganda Wildlife Authority launched a program on Saturday to let people use social networking sites like Facebook or Twitter to follow one of the gorillas in Bwindi Impenetrable National Park. Hopefully this will go better than that time you hooked up with the lingerie model online, only to find out she was actually some 43-year-old guy who lived in his mom’s basement.

It was reported this week that national Democratic Party leaders have asked New York State Governor David Paterson to consider withdrawing from the 2010 governor’s race. When asked to comment, Paterson said he couldn’t see any reason he should drop out now.

A postal worker at a mail processing and distribution center in Springfield, Massachusetts who stole more than 3,000 DVDs mailed by Netflix to its customers pleaded guilty yesterday to federal theft charges. In his defense, however, is the fact that more than half of those movies were copies of Mike Myers’ The Love Guru, so you could say he was protecting people from themselves.

This week it was announced that three different space probes have found the chemical signature of water all over the moon’s surface, surprising the scientists who at first doubted the unexpected measurement. So yeah, that’s cool and all, but call me when they find traces of hops and barley up there.

In sports news, the Detroit Lions failed to sell all their tickets for Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins, meaning there was a TV blackout in some local markets. Which makes you wonder why the rest of us had to watch this game if Detroit got off the hook like that.

Actor Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested in west Texas for skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill in California. I thought for sure if they ever got Randy Quaid, it would be for that direct-to-DVD Vacation sequel he did a few years back.

And really, does it even count as a celebrity arrest if there’s no slow speed car chase?

A large spider appeared on the Pope’s white robes as he addressed politicians and diplomats in Prague on Saturday afternoon, and it reportedly lingered long enough to bite him. Which might explain why the Pope never seems to be around when Spider-Man is fighting Doc Ock.

In a video posted recently to YouTube, former child star Kirk Cameron lays out a plan to subvert the 150th anniversary of the publishing of Charles Darwin’s Origin of Species by delivering 50,000 copies of an altered version of Darwin’s book to students at dozens of U.S. universities. The altered version is significantly shorter and basically contains the sentence, “Jesus did it,” and an autographed head shot of Kirk Cameron.

Me, I’m waiting for Alan Thicke to weigh in on string theory.

This week was a big one for President Obama. First he appeared on the Sunday talk shows for most of the networks, then he gave a speech before the UN General Assembly, and then he turned up on The Late Show With David Letterman. A pretty busy week, huh? You don’t know the half of it, but you will once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Lesser-Known Obama Appearances This Week:
10. Guest ref for Foxy Boxing down at a strip club in Newark
9. Backstage at Oprah to give Mackenzie Phillips a pep talk
8. After-hours party in Khadaffi’s tent
7. Special appearance as new tenant on Melrose Place remake
6. Heckling Kanye at a charity concert
5. Throwing eggs at Glenn Beck’s front door
4. Eating Whoppers with Tony Stewart in new NASCAR Burger King commercial
3. Winning third place at Beatles Rock Band contest in Hillside Mall
2. Just hanging at a kegger in Pittsburgh
1. Headlining Top Ten list with actual jokes on Letterman’s show

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come on back next time to find out if that kid from Who’s The Boss? has an opinion on evolution.

T”3rd & goal” green