I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for Olympic-level bullshit and general nonsense.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giulini gave a speech in which he claimed there were no successful terror attacks on American soil before President Obama came along. To explain his statement he said that he had not forgotten 9/11, he just spoke in “abbreviated” language. It’s not his fault that he just happens to abbreviate everything he can’t pin on the President.

TV host and political commentator John McLaughlin died this week in his Virginia home at the age of 89. His final words were “Wrong!!!”

A train in Iowa derailed last week and crashed into a trackside bar named “Derailed,” prompting the bar owner to consider changing the name of his other bar from “Nuclear Armageddon.”

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison. The case, Billy v Icky Broccoli, is expected to set a worldwide legal precedent.

This week it was revealed that workers in Pyongyang were forced by the government to take a form of crystal meth in order to expedite the completion of a large-scale construction project. And in related news, I think I just figured out a fairly inexpensive way to get them to finally patch up the intersection of 516 and 79.

In Sweden a woman tried to explain the theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea. She was unable to explain the theft of the car she was using to bring the underwear home, though.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump received his first confidential security briefing this week. For more details on what he was told, check out his Twitter feed this weekend.

Trump brought New Jersey Governor Chris Christie along to his briefing. He did this because he trusts Christie to keep his mouth shut. Or if not shut, at least full.

A Texas man convicted of child sexual assault was sentenced this week to 700 years in prison. Which is expected to translate into about 3 weeks in Gen Pop.

This week US swimmer Ryan Lochte and three of his teammates claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while taking a cab at the Rio Olympics. Brazilian officials quickly produced videotape that cast doubt on the events as the swimmers reported them, and said the swimmers actually lied to cover up a fight they got into at a gas station. It’s all still very confusing. All we do know for sure is that NBC newscaster Brian Williams said it was the most harrowing cab ride he’s ever been on.

In other Olympic news, the International Boxing Association sent home 6 judges and referees this week following outrage over several contentious matches and a fear of widespread corruption. But the good news is that at least one of them is a lock for the Gold medal in Olympic bribery.

This week the White House admitted that the $400M payment to Iran back in January was in fact contingent on Iran releasing four American prisoners. The White House was quick to clarify that they still don’t consider this a ransom payment like many of their critics are claiming, because they never received a ransom note made of letters cut out of a magazine and international law is pretty clear on that requirement.

Uber announced this week that it will begin offering rides in self-driving cars to customers in Pittsburgh later this year. The cars will be able to take passengers anywhere, but it’s expected most people will want a ride directly out of town so they can escape before the robot apocalypse kicks in.

This week Eve Plumb, who played middle sister Jan on The Brady Bunch, sold for $3.9M a house she bought at age 11. And in related news, a Spider-Man comic I bought at age 11 might be worth upwards of 5 bucks if it’s in mint condition.

In what’s widely seen as an attempt to reboot his campaign and show that he has the right temperament to be president, this week Donald Trump gave a speech where he acknowledged that he’d said some things during the campaign that he was sorry about. Except for the everything he said about Ted Cruz. He meant every word of that.

A Clinton Foundation spokesman this week said that if Hillary Clinton is elected president, the foundation will no longer accept foreign or corporate donations. And also that the foundation looks forward to working with the United States’ newest members, the great state of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and newly-naturalized citizens the Coca Cola Company and the Axcion Corporation.

The president of the Family Research Center, who has routinely said that God sends natural disasters to punish gays, had his house destroyed in this week’s flooding in Louisiana. C’mon God, it’s not cool to out Tony Perkins that way, you know?

Newly-discovered emails revealed that several of Donald Trump’s advisors previously waged a covert lobbying campaign on behalf of a pro-Russian Ukrainian government. But the weirdest part of the story? Those emails were found on Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

And finally, Jamaican runner Usain Bolt became the first person to win the 100m and 200m in three consecutive Olympics, cementing his status as the fastest man in the world. Yes, even faster than Bill DeBlasio running away from his record.

The Rio Olympics ends this weekend after two weeks presenting the best athletic competition the world’s nations have to offer. If you’ve been watching the broadcasts regularly, having them end like this is going to leave a big hole in your viewing plans. However, you don’t have to give up your Olympic viewing cold turkey. If you live in or around New York City, there are plenty of things you can watch to replicate your Rio experience, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Simulated Olympic Events to Watch in NYC:
10. 400m intern coffee fetching relay

9. Synchronized cockroaches

8. Subway pickpocket wrestling

7. 50m purse snatcher dash

6. 7th Ave bike messenger racing

5. DWI checkpoint balance beam

4. Penn Station homeless hurdling

3. New York Mets 100m dash to the bottom of the division

2. 50m burst water main freestyle

1. Hot dog vendor dirty water wiener drop

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go for the gold, stay off the Costas, just try and unsee those pictures of the naked Trump statue, cower in fear that the same people are ready to deploy naked Hillary at any moment, stay off Slanted Rock, fix that Stop sign, run your mouth, don’t waste too much time watching preseason football, have a Fresca, vote early and vote often, catch the wave and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “clobberin’ time” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, the official sign that your week is completely unsalvageable.

This week Kid Rock gave his endorsement to Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. This is a big deal, because Kid Rock is not known for giving too many things. In fact, the last time Kid Rock gave anyone anything was that time he gave some groupie gonorrhea.

After making an announcement earlier this week, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez plays his last game Friday night at Yankee Stadium. When asked why he played for another week after deciding to retire, he said he’d lost his receipt and would not be able to return his last bottle of steroids so he figured he’d at least try to get some use out of them.

Traffic on the BQE was stopped this week when a tractor trailer carrying Budweiser flipped over and spilled beer everywhere, which coincidentally is also the climactic scene in my spec script for Smokey and the Bandit 4.

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow announced this week that he wants to pursue a career as a baseball player and will be working out with all Major League Baseball teams. And if this career falls through, he’ll be looking into what it takes to be an astronaut or a cowboy or a pirate or an army man.

A new study claims that book readers live longer than people who don’t read books. Happy Friday readers, on the other hand, often find themselves craving the sweet release of death somewhere around item 6 of the Top List.

In other science news, new research suggests that being lazy is a sign of high intelligence. At least that’s what the article’s headline said. I didn’t bother to actually click through and read the whole thing.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in a body of water in Broward County, Florida this week. Fortunately, since this is Florida we’re talking about, 80% of the population is immune.

This week marked the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first website went online. Which means that next week marks the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first porn website went online.

This week Donald Trump said he wants to debate pretty badly. And he probably will.

But really, Trump said he’ll debate, but only if some of his conditions are met. First, all moderators must be from an approved list of people whose last name is Trump. Second, no questions that are not about how great he is. And third — and this one might be the deal breaker right here — no Hillary.

A former aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the governor lied about his knowledge of his administration’s involvement in the George Washington Bridge lane closures. Her proof that Christie was lying? The governor’s lips were moving and there wasn’t a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity.

Christie quickly responded to the accusation with a forceful denial. Said Christie, “You better believe there was a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity, and I’ll punch any man who says otherwise.”

 
The water in two pools at the Summer Games in Rio turned green this week, and no one has been able to figure out why. They also can’t figure out why the water suddenly tastes like Lime Kool-Aid.

This week Donald Trump said that President Obama founded the terrorist organization ISIS. And he didn’t even use it to target poor and gullible Americans to max out their credit cards to register, proving that the President doesn’t know a damn thing about the business world.

Newly-released emails show that there was lots of overlap between Hillary Clinton’s State Department and her work for the Clinton Foundation. Which means that if anyone ever called her an Amazon, they didn’t mean she was a strong fighter. They meant she was the place to go for the best deals in one-stop shopping.

Two parents were arrested this week for trying to smuggle 7 lbs of methamphetamine from Mexico to the US. The would have gotten away with it, too, but officials grew suspicious of the baby’s “Lil’ Heisenberg” onesie.

Police in Toronto responded to reports of an armed man who turned out to be a cardboard cutout of the Terminator. It took the Toronto officers 3 hours to subdue the cutout.

This week a California company announced that it built the world’s largest dildo, which is currently running 14 points behind Hillary Clinton in the latest polls.

A 23-year-old Michigan man drowned this week in a vat of molasses. Slowly.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this week bought his 3rd home, a lake house that cost $600K. At least now we know how much it cost to get him to walk away from the campaign quietly.

A man attempted to scale Trump Tower this week, prompting several newspaper editorials that wondered if he was a threat or a menace. And also prompting Trump to take a closer look at the materials he plans to use when he builds his wall.

And finally, a judge ordered online host Glenn Beck to reveal the identities of two sources who told him that a Saudi Arabian student provided the money behind the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. And even worse for Beck, the judge said that he can’t claim “the voices in my head” for both of them.

Little Known Fact Department: In the original draft of the bible, on the 7th day God built a Death Star. This was edited out because worshippers did not find it very comforting.

There’s a Groupon out there for 42% off admission to a hatchet-throwing place in New Jersey. And if you do it wrong, you can actually end up getting a lot more than 42% off.

As the Olympics come along every 4 years, so do complaints about NBC’s coverage of the games. The main complaint, of course, is that NBC shows too many of the big events on tape delay. We all know why they do it — because someone’s gotta watch those McDonalds commercials that pay for this thing — but still, you have to admit that sometimes NBC goes too far. I mean, Wednesday night they finally played the Men’s 400M Butterfly semifinals from 1996.

Yes, the 1996 Olympics, also known as the Olympics where an 11-year-old Michael Phelps only won 10 gold medals.

It was revealed this week that former Fox News boss Roger Ailes used to hire private investigators to spy on potential rivals, even going so far as to set them up on dates in order to make the spying easier. He did this for years. Is it possible that you were ever considered to be one of those rivals? Did Roger Ailes pull a fast one on you? You’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Know You Dated A Roger Ailes Spy:
10. He kept asking you to come to bed so he could introduce you to Rupert

9. Her Goodreads bookshelf included every book ever written by Bill O’Reilly

8. Every time he made a dinner reservation he made it for “the party of Lincoln”

7. She referred to her genitalia as the “Great Communicator”

6. He couldn’t sleep unless he was on the right side of the bed

5. She unconsciously flinched any time she walked past a picture of Jabba the Hutt

4. He always lost at Scrabble because he refused to use the letters M, S, N, B or C

3. She only ate at restaurants with glass tables that allowed her to show off her legs

2. He couldn’t get aroused until you whispered excerpts from Ronald Reagan’s 1981 Inauguration speech in his ear

1. She asked you to stick your O’Reilly into her Hannity

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not to lose a bundle wagering on Olympic Badminton, stay out of the heat, learn that poem, be sure to examine every frame of the latest Star Wars trailer to see if you can spot Jar-Jar’s cameo, put the medicine on the treat, don’t get caught looking for the Messiah while the Women’s Beach Volleyball is on, don’t ride the local, wonder if last night’s meteor shower was the closest some of your fellow commuters have come to a shower of any kind lately, watch out for over-enthusiastic 2nd Amendment, uh, voters and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “when are they gonna make mini-golf an Olympic event?” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your allegedly weekly dose of allegedly humorous content.

The 2016 Olympic Games start tonight in Rio, and athletes are complaining that there will be no Pokemon Go in the Olympic Village. Olympic officials say that the athletes will still be able to catch ‘me all, though, thanks to the 6,000 water-borne viruses lurking in the area.

As its census approaches, the Australian government is concerned that too many people are choosing “Jedi” as their religion. The issue is that having so many people so interested in Star Wars could be a harbinger of a huge population crash when none of them are able to find someone to reproduce with in their parents’ basement.

A veteran this week gave Donald Trump the Purple Heart award he earned in Vietnam, which suggests he earned the medal for a head injury of some sort.

A new CNN poll shows that 57% of voters are not satisfied with the choices in this year’s race. And the other 43% breaks down to 40% too busy binge-watching Stranger Things on Neflix to notice what’s happening, 2% in a coma, and 1% named Trump or Clinton.

This week President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday. Or whatever that is in Kenyan years.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 54% this week, which turned out to be a rare occurrence. The last time a President had an approval rating only one point lower than his birthday was when President George W. Bush turned 16.

This week Donald Trump’s ass got a little roomier when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dislodged himself from it long enough to say that the Muslim-American parents of a fallen US Captain have the right to say whatever they want about the Presidential candidate. He then grabbed himself a pork roll and cheese on a bagel and climbed back in for the duration.

Chris Christie also took some time to substitute for Boomer Esiason on WFAN’s Boomer and Carton show this Friday. Christie said he was happy to do the show but he was not auditioning for a post-Governor position. Mainly because radio hosts are rarely allowed to close down the George Washington Bridge to carry out a vendetta on an enemy, so the job holds no attraction to him.

This week a report cited 19 New Jersey beaches for being contaminated by bacteria. And in sports news, New Jersey just submitted a bid to host the 2032 Summer Olympics.

This week it was revealed that pallets of cash totaling $400 million were delivered to Iran at the same time that 4 American prisoners were released by the Iranian government. A White House spokesman called the timing of this delivery a coincidence. He added that when he said “coincidence,” he winked because he had some dust in his eye and not for any other reason so please don’t get the wrong idea.

Though if we did really send Iran money for prisoners, at least this time we got some people back for our money. And the President appeared to actually know that all of this happened. So that’s…progress?

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not ready to endorse Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary election. Afterwards a Trump campaign spokesman said the campaign does plan to work with Ryan even if Trump doesn’t offer an endorsement. House Speaker Ryan took one look at this week, though, and said, “thanks but no thanks.”

A restaurant where diners eat in the nude is rumored to be opening soon in France. It currently exists in the UK, but will be closing since it turns out that the UK does neither food nor nudity particularly well.

Plans for a similar restaurant in the US fell apart the instant that Burger King expressed an interest, however.

This week, when asked to comment on sexual harassment in light of Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, Donald Trump said that any woman who is sexually harassed in the workplace has the option to leave, and…This just in! Ivanka Trump has resigned from Trump International effective immediately.

This week Instagram introduced a new feature called Instagram Stories, which critics are complaining is essentially just Snapchat. An Instagram spokeswoman said the critics are completely wrong about this, and they will see how innovative Instagram really is when its new product, Instagram’s Book of Faces, rolls out this Fall.

By coincidence, Book of Faces is also the name of HBO’s top-secret sequel to Game of Thrones, which jumps ahead in time to show life in Westeros in the 21st Century.

This week Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager locked her in a room without a cell phone or access to email, telling her that her poll numbers can only drop if she’s allowed to communicate with anyone in any context.

Caitlyn Jenner said this week that she backs the Republican Party but does not “outwardly” support Donald Trump. She keeps that support hidden. Like her penis.

The US economy added 255,000 jobs last month, which was much higher than expected. This is not so surprising, since someone’s gotta put together all those anti-Hillary and anti-Donald memes.

A Georgia man was arrested this week for attacking his girlfriend after she made him a grilled cheese sandwich with 3 pieces of cheese and not 2. His girlfriend should consider herself lucky, though, since no one even knows exactly what happened to the man’s friend who made him a grilled cheese with wheat bread and not white last year.

Researchers in the UK have discovered an orangutan that mimics human conversation. And not only that, he can also trail Hillary Clinton by only 10 points in the latest polls.

President Obama commuted the sentences of 214 convicts this week. And in related news, this week 214 new conspiracy theories appeared on my Facebook feed.

The IOC announced some new sports for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. The new sports include Karate, Skateboard, Surfing and Sports Climbing. Left off the list? Beer Pong. Which means I’ll just have to keep sending letters.

This year the USA teams clothes came from Polo by Ralph Lauren. No word yet on who’s providing the hazmat suits.

A Florida woman shot herself in the hand while trying to take a Snapchat video of herself posing with a .40 caliber pistol. Maybe it’s time for one simple gun control rule that bans anyone from owning a gun with a caliber size larger than their IQ score.

And finally, in West Virginia this week, two dogs left in a running car in a Walmart parking lot put the car in gear, drove it into the store’s entrance and rolled down the window. This actually meant they were more productive that 70% of the population of West Virginia this week.

I got an email this week from something called the Microsoft Center of Excellence, which is about the only email sender that sounds even less legit than that Nigerian prince that keeps emailing me. Or the DNC, for that matter.

Remember, it’s all fun and games until we end up with President Kardashian.

This week the IOC banned 118 Russian athletes from competing due to concerns over the use of performance enhancing drugs. And in a related story, A-Rod just joined the Russian Olympic team.

Between the drug scandal and the polluted water and the infrastructure problems in Rio, people are worried that these 2016 Olympic Games are in danger of flying off the rails. And they may be right, because as bad as these problems are, there’s more trouble brewing, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Problems at the 2016 Olympics:

10. British team keeps voting to Brexit Rio 

9. Track and Field stadium composed largely of recycled email printouts donated by Hillary Clinton’s campaign

8. Official sponsor Coca Cola angry that its product keeps getting mistaken for local drinking water, which is actually two shades darker

7. Roiling pool of toxic human waste formed outside Olympic Village keeps promising to make Brazil great again6. Bob Costas

5. Former President Bill Clinton requested way too many front row tickets for the Women’s Beach Volleyball medal round

4. Men’s Synchronized Swimming not a sanctioned Olympic event for 9th consecutive Summer Olympics

3. Some local NBC affiliates still burning off promo ads for Joey from the 2004 Games

2. Due to clerical error, Sweden sent its curling team instead of its gymnastics team

1. Vladimir Putin keeps offering to participate in Equestrian events with no shirt on

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next Friday, wish Jack a happy birthday, don’t set the microwave on fire, try not to blow your savings account wagering on Synchronized Swimming, try to figure out who’s younger and more malnourished — the Chinese Women’s Gymnastic team or the laborers who made their uniforms, go see Suicide Squad and halfway through, stand up and shout, “where the hell is…uh…any character that remotely resembles anyone I’ve seen in a comic book any time in the last 30 years and why do they even make movies like this in the first place?!?”, keep it ‘tween the ditches, back away from the election memes, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “you say potato, I say fire!” green