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By Tgreen, July 31, 2009 6:47 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will make you believe a man can fly. Or at least write lame top ten lists.

This week it was discovered that New York City has been offering homeless people one-way tickets out of town. When confronted by critics, Mayor Bloomberg said that it might not be the perfect solution, but it was still, “better than what Giuliani did with them.” He then nodded solemnly and shuddered before claiming he needed a stiff drink.

This week Michael Jackson’s family announced that his mother will have custody of his children. And Michael Jackson’s father announced he’s the manager for a new band he’s calling the Jackson Three, who will be dropping a new single as soon as he has them “properly motivated”.

In other King of Pop news, a search warrant for his doctor’s home apparently hinted that Michael Jackson was an addict. Other things hinted at this week? The Earth is round. Donald Trump has a bad combover. George W. Bush was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. McDonald’s coffee is hot. More on these breaking stories tonight at 11.

In an attempt to finally bring the Henry Gates arrest fiasco to an end, President Obama had the professor and the arresting officer over to the White House for a beer. The display of racial harmony got off to a bad start, however, when a White House aide accidentally stocked the cooler with several Colt 45 tallboys.

In sports news, quarterback Brett Favre announced his retirement, which, I think, means six more weeks of summer.

A South Carolina man was arrested this week after getting caught having sex with a horse. The same man was arrested last year for the same thing with the same horse, which is kind of troubling until you remember what they tell you to do when you fall off a horse.

The government announced this week that it’s suspending the popular “cash for clunkers” program because someone finally realized that a government program that any regular person could potentially take advantage of is not something the government has any interest in allowing.

In other government news, Senators are trying to ban texting while driving in all 50 states. Other things that the Senate should try to ban because we’re obviously too stupid to figure out on our own that they’re bad ideas — texting while swimming, performing surgery while driving, driving while swimming, and allowing Joe Jackson within a half mile of a talented child.

A Michigan man was charged with assault and battery after he struck his girlfriend because she refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place while they were playing Monopoly. The man’s lawyer plans to argue that the game of Monopoly was over when the incident occurred and his client was actually just warming up to be a suspect in a game of Clue.

If you’re a fan of conspiracy theories, lately some Conservatives have a good one for you. It seems many of them believe that Barack Obama is not actually an American citizen and therefore is not legally the President. They’ve actually gotten to the point where they’ve demanded he produce his birth certificate. In fact, some of them continued to demand this even after the birth certificate was produced. Sounds a little crazy, huh? Maybe, but it’s far from the craziest theory Conservatives have about the President…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Crazy Obama Conspiracies:
10. He hasn’t divulged where he was the morning Michael Jackson died
9. He drinks Bud Light, which is technically owned by a company that’s not American, and you know what that means
8. No one’s ever seen him and OJ Simpson in the same room
7. His Netflix queue includes a few too many musicals, if you catch our drift
6. Once rooted for Iron Shiek to beat Sgt. Slaughter during midnight wrestling show
5. His favorite Rocky movie is Rocky V
4. He can name more items on the Taco Bell menu than the Burger King menu
3. He shot J.R. (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Jokes That Might Have Been Funny If Happy Friday Was Around In 1982)
2. He once got a fortune cookie whose fortune said “You will lie about your citizenship and fool an entire country into electing you President”
1. He prefers Hydrox over Oreos

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not go get hit by lightning or caught in a tornado and have a Happy Friday!

T “dang me” green

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By Tgreen, July 24, 2009 12:07 am

Happy Friday for an unprecedented third week in a row. The last time there were three Happy Friday’s in a row, not only was Michael Jackson still alive, I think he was still black.

Well, whenever it was, I’m sure I was enough of an asshole to kick a guy when he’s down. Even when he’s down in his grave. Though I think I read somewhere that Michael isn’t actually in his grave yet, because his family can’t agree on where to bury him. It seems his brothers want him buried on the grounds of the Neverland ranch, while his mother wants him laid to rest in a cemetary. Meanwhile, his father, Joe Jackson, just wants him to quit goldbricking and go make some money for the family already.

This week the planet Jupiter sported a scar the approximate size of Earth after being crashed into by a comet. According to several astronomers, the comet’s blood alcohol level was .17, more than twice the legal limit. It was sentenced to 100 hours of community service and will have its license suspended for 90 days. Jupiter is expected to make a full recovery.

A new study shows that babies as young as 6 months old can detect basic emotions when listening to the sound of dogs barking or Beethoven’s music. Want to really confuse a baby? Teach your dog to bark Ode To Joy. Though you really shouldn’t have to go to that much trouble just to confuse a baby. They’re not that smart.

In political news, Times Square’s Naked Cowboy announced plans to run for mayor of NYC. Which is fine, as long as he’s not allowed to set the dress code for the debates.

In other political news, President Obama’s approval ratings slipped a bit this week. MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann has been placed under 24-hour suicide watch as a precaution.

Medical researchers announced this week that contact lenses that can deliver doses of drugs will soon be on the market. And in related news, singer Amy Winehouse just made her first eye doctor appointment in 6 years.

Scientists report that creativity may be linked to schizophrenia via a common gene. There’s still no word on what gene causes someone to write lame Top Ten lists every week, but it’s definitely not related to anything resembling creativity. Which must rule out schizophrenia as well. So it’s kind of a good news/bad news day for me.

In sports news, the NFL announced that it’s scheduling the first round of the 2010 draft for prime time on a Thursday night and spreading the event over three days. Ladies, that means you now have three days to go wherever you want and do whatever you want before the man in your life even notices you’re gone. Please send your thank you cards directly to the NFL offices in New York.

Wow, three days of the NFL draft. At least Detroit Lions fans can watch their team pick first on a Thursday this time, which will free up their weekend.

So, we’re about halfway through the summer right now, which means many of you are probably ready to take a little vacation. It’s a great time of year to kick back and relax, but you have to make sure you plan things just right, or otherwise you might find yourself dealing with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs Your Vacation Is Going Badly:
10. Hotel swimming pool has a Baldwin brother who’s not Alec floating in it
9. Six Days On the Road is not just a song you heard on the radio, but also a description of how bad the traffic was
8. You spend the whole week unable to talk due to a toasted marshmallow incident
7. Hotel room TV only gets Fox News, Telemundo and a 24-hour Slap Chop infomercial
6. Spontaneous outdoor romantic encounter leaves you with a tick bite in a very uncomfortable place
5. Waste three days trying to figure out how to remove from Facebook several pictures that at the time seemed appropriate to post online
4. You learn the hard way that they put a sell-by date on hamburger meat for a reason
3. Your best friend gets alcohol poisoning before the wet t-shirt contest starts, and not after like he promised
2. You fall asleep while tanning and inadvertantly inspire a new degree of burn, which the doctors won’t even name after you
1. Your main source of summer reading comes not from the New York Times Top Ten, but from Tgreen’s Top Ten

And that’s all we have time for this week. Since I started my own vacation last night, there’s a chance that there won’t be a new Happy Fridau next week. Or, in other words, next week Happy Friday may return to its default position of off. So until next time, stay cool, stay hydrated and have a Happy Friday!

T “summertime blues” green

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By Tgreen, July 21, 2009 12:19 pm

Fast food commercials scare me. Yes, they do. They scare the bejeezus out of me sometimes. The stuff they advertise is referred to as food, but then you look at the TV screen and you have to scratch your head and wonder who they’re trying to kid. Well, they’re trying to kid you, kid. And it’s scary.

For example, have you seen the new Quizno’s ads? They’re now offering something called Toasty Torpedoes. Toasty Torpedoes. I don’t know why, and I’m sure it’s totally my fault, but Toasty Torpedoes sounds dirty. It sounds like, maybe, an act that involves, well, one torpedo-like item and one really, uh, warm and toasty destination. Not like something I want to order for lunch. Well, maybe like something I want to have at lunchtime, but not something I want anywhere near my mouth.

Taco Bell is another one trying to entice us with the product name. First they had the Volcano taco, which involved a red taco shell and cheese sauce they claimed was superhot. That didn’t last too long, so now they’re selling the Volcano burrito. Which makes me think they either over-ordered the hot cheese sauce, or under-ordered the red taco shells. But hey, good for Taco Bell for being so flexible. The Volcano burrito commercial shows a wedding party full of guys who ate a Volcabo burrito and whose faces are now bright red. Because yeah, I want to eat a burrito that makes me look like instead of eating the molten hot cheese sauce, I let someone spray a gallon of it on my face. Or maybe these faces are so red because of the great effort required to pass that dense Taco Bell burrito while on the toilet an hour after eating one. Either way, the Volcano burrito is scary, and probably not for the reasons Taco Bell would like us to think.

Almost as bad is the new snack wrap from McDonald’s. You’ve seen the snack wrap commercials before, right? They cram some chicken, some lettuce, and some mysterious sauce into a tortilla and trick you into thinking it’s healthy. Hey, it’s a wrap, right? It’s got vegetables in there, and a tortilla. Don’t think about the fact that usually there’s a slab of fried chicken in there too. It’s a wrap, and wraps are healthy. But now it appears McDonald’s has given up trying to trick us. They’re selling a snack wrap with a Big Mac jammed in there.

Yep, they take that same bit of lettuce, a pickle, the Big Mac secret sauce, and a Big Mac patty cut into 2 pieces and wrap it up in a tortilla. It looks pretty gross in the commercial, where, in theory at least, fast food is presented in the best way it’s possibly ever going to look. To pick on the Big Mac for another second, just think of how the Big Mac looks on TV. Not too bad, huh? It looks like something you might want to eat. And yet when you get one at McDonald’s, it’s a totally different experience. Your Big Mac looks like it’s been stepped on and kicked around. It’s like you see Alec Baldwin on the TV commercial, then go to the restaurant and get Daniel Baldwin on your tray. But the Big Mac pieces crammed into a tortilla? They already look like Stephen Baldwin in the commercial. So what are you going to find when you actually order one? Is there a Baldwin worse than Stephen? Is there like an Ichabod Baldwin out there I don’t know about? That’s what I imagine this snack wrap looks like in real life. The thought chills me.

But I’m not sure if it chills me as much as the White Castle commercial for their pulled pork sandwiches. The idea of White Castle serving a pulled pork sandwich is terrifying enough. In fact, it’s so terrifying that you would think it would be impossible for any commercial to make the idea seem even worse than it already is. And then you turn on your TV one day, minding your own business and innocently hoping to catch some of those last precious new episodes of According to Jim, and you see someone dressed up in a giant pig costume doing a striptease on stage and dumping a giant bucket of BBQ sauce all over itself. The horror. The horror. It’s almost like the commercial is telling you that under no circumstances should you actually consider eating one of these things. And if that’s really the case, then bravo, White Castle, for looking out for us. But it probably would’ve been best for all of us if you’d left the pork pulling to a professional.

Heh, pork pulling.

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By Tgreen, July 17, 2009 1:32 am

They said it couldn’t be done, but here it is — a second Happy Friday! in a row!

Oh, wait a second, now that I look closer at these messages, they actually said it shouldn’t be done. Wow, how embarrassing. Oh well, I’ve already started typing, so here goes…

This week a 24-foot-long basking shark washed ashore on Long Island, making it the largest washed-up creature on Long Island since Billy Joel tried to become a classical musician.

Basking sharks have no teeth, making them look slightly less scary, and 3 times as fake, as the shark from Jaws.

And in other marine life news, thousands of 5-foot long flying squid have invaded the coast of San Diego, terrifying tourists, scuba divers, and pretty much anyone who didn’t know the words “flying” and “squid” could sit together in the same sentence like that.

The Los Angeles County Coroner’s office announced this week that Michael Jackson’s autopsy results will be delayed by 2 weeks. Apparently they’re gonna need a lot more White-Out than they originally thought.

Microsoft this week announced that it plans to open a series of stores across the country — stores that will be located near existing Apple Stores and that will not be retail outlets as much as showcases for Microsoft products. And in related news, Apple’s recently-recovered-from-liver-transplant-surgery CEO Steve Jobs announced he’s taking another 6 months off to recover from the laughing fit he broke into upon hearing this news.

Not to pick on Microsoft or anything, but if I wanted to showcase my new operating system Windows 7, I wouldn’t want to do it right next door to a place that sells Apple’s OSX. I’d want to sell it next door to a place that sells a much worse operating system, like maybe Windows Vista. Oh, wait, never mind.

Enjoy reading that on your PC running Vista and IE8, by the way.

Researchers at Newcastle University in England reported this week that they’ve coaxed the first human sperm cells from embryonic stem cells, just 11 years after the first human-embryonic-stem-cell line was created. And in a related story, thousands of 11-year-old boys managed to coax out a bunch of human sperm cells using nothing more than some YouTube clips of Megan Fox running in slow motion.

Yeah, I know, there was a sperm joke last week as well. It’s not my fault that’s what’s in the news these days. Don’t blame me. Blame Obama. I watched Fox News for about 5 minutes the other day and I learned that apparently he’s responsible for everything else, so why not this too?

In political news, Sarah Palin this week announced that she plans to cross the country stumping for politicians who she thinks would be good for the country, and said that this could include Democrats too. And in related news, the Democrats changed their phone number and moved without leaving a forwarding address.

The company that bought the naming rights for Chicago’s Sears Tower announced this week that it’s going to rename the building the Willis Tower. Whatchutalkinbout, Willis?!?

The Emmy nominations were announced this week, and for the first time since The Flintstones, an animated show was nominated as Best Comedy Series. That show? Family Guy. The implications? Somehow we’ve managed to change the meaning of the words “Best” and “Comedy” without anybody noticing. If only I could find some way to use that to my advantage.

In other Entertainment news, this week former Beatle Paul McCartney performed a concert on the marquee at the Ed Sullivan Theater in Manhattan. Not to be outdone, former Beatle Ringo Starr banged out a snappy solo on a garbage can lid while putting out his recycling.

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission that first landed men on the moon. To mark the occasion, NASA released some digitally-restored video from the moon landing while at the same time announcing that the much of the original video has been lost, in large part because NASA recycled the tapes it was stored on. So let me get this straight. I could go on YouTube right now and watch clips from every season of CBS’ Big Brother, but future generations won’t have access to the original video of the first moon landing because someone at NASA needed someplace to record their home movies from their trip to the Cape? Next you’re gonna tell me that Family Guy was nominated for Best Comedy Series. I just can’t believe it.

Actually, I shouldn’t really be so surprised that recordings were lost. After all, these men landed on the moon during the Nixon administration, and, well, you know how good they were at keeping track of their recordings.

Despite the fact that the original video may be lost forever, we do still have copies of all the footage of the moon landings, and they’re some of the most impressive sights in human history. And if you happen to catch a retrospective this weekend, take a moment to appreciate the amazing effort involved in putting men on the moon. And then, take another moment to wonder how different the event would be if it were happening today. Or, if you’re not in the mood for wondering, just take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways The Moon Landing Would Be Different If It Happened Today:
10. Astronauts’ space suits would have more advertiser patches than the average NASCAR driver
9. Neil Armstrong would deliver first words from lunar surface in a Tweet
8. Fifteen astronaut candidates would be whittled down to 3 winners in FOX reality show contest
7. MSNBC would be sure you understood that when President Obama spoke to the astronauts on the phone, he was still the most accomplished person involved in the phone call
6. Moon landing video would be second most-viewed YouTube video, coming in behind a 30-second clip of someone’s cat looking cute in a bonnet.
5. Plans to have astronauts reply to emails sent from all over the world would be put on hold when first 50 emails received are all from some banker in Nigeria
4. Conspiracy theorists would say the whole landing was faked, since we have about as much of a chance of putting men on the moon as Family Guy does of being nominated for Best Comedy Series
3. Larry King’s interview with the astronaut would open with question about their opinion of Moon Pies
2. Apollo program’s name would be changed to honor a more modern mythological figure — thus making the actual mission the Harry Potter 11 mission
1. NASA would be forced to perform first zero-G urine test for performance-enhancing drugs

And that’s all the time we have this week. Come back next time for more of the Best Comedy you’re going to find on the Internet. Hey, look at that, I did find a way to use it to my advantage! Woo hoo!

T “chemical fumes” green

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By Tgreen, July 13, 2009 12:02 am

Last Thursday night I was on the F Train, minding my own business, trying to read a magazine, when I heard it. I didn’t know what it was right away, but it sounded like the song Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head. Coming from an amplifier. Accompanied by what sounded like a kazoo or something. Take a listen…

f-train-interlude

Somewhere in there I think you can here the moment when I caught the eye of the girl sitting across from me and we both busted out laughing once we saw that this sound was coming from a guy carting around a small speaker and playing along on something that looked like it was half-kazoo/half-keyboard/all cheesy musical goodness.

And yes, in case you were wondering, that s a segue into How Deep Is Your Love that you hear at the end there.

Maybe the city sends these guys through the system now to keep us entertained so that maybe we won’t mind the fare increase.

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By Tgreen, July 9, 2009 9:38 pm

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly dose of online irrelevance that lately has been deader than the King of Pop himself. But before we get to that news…

This week, researchers announced that sperm travels faster toward attractive women. Which only makes sense, since that’s where it’s aimed more often than not.

The researchers promised more data as soon as they clean off their computer monitors.

In a semi-related story, this week NASA took its first steps to introducing the Internet to space. Astronauts uploaded some pictures and videos of some of Earth’s natural wonders, and then downloaded some pictures and videos of some of Earth’s, uh, shall we say, not-quite-so-natural wonders.

In political news, former VP nominee Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska, saying that Alaskans will be better off without her over the next 16 months. In a related story, this week I agreed with something Sarah Palin said for the first time ever.

Of course, the real tragedy is that with Palin out of work, Tina Fey loses a pretty sweet side gig.

This week his friends and family held a public memorial for King of Pop Michael Jackson. Jackson’s death last week came as quite a shock, because apparently several of his parts were still under warranty.

Details of Jackson’s will are starting to come out, but so far there’s been no word on who gets custody of Tito’s career.

If you want to imagine a really awkward moment, just try to picture the post-mortem meeting between King of Pop Michael Jackson and his ex-father-in-law King of Rock & Roll Elvis Presley. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at the Waffle House where Elvis works second shift.

In sports news, the New York Mets are celebrating the 40th anniversary of their miracle 1969 season by trying as hard as they can to win no more than 40 games.

I think they can do it.

This week a California teacher gave her 5th grade class a DVD that included classroom memories and a scene of the teacher masturbating. School officials said that it was an unfortunate accident and the teacher would not be fired, but they’re unsure of where they’re going to be able to hold the class’s next parent/teacher conference, which currently has the highest response rate from fathers that the school has ever seen.

When I was in 5th grade, all I got was a Christmas card from my teacher. Kids today are totally spoiled.

Scientists this week announced that lab monkeys put on restricted diets live longer than monkeys whose diets aren’t restricted. They’re also twice as likely to try and overthrow their human masters and therefore turn the world into a post-apocalyptic ape-ruled society.

But at least we didn’t have to hear anything about how fast their sperm moves, so at least we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

In entertainment news, the new Transformers movie has already brought in $300 million, which I think bodes well for the script I’ve been working on, tentatively titled Slinky, Conquest of the Basement Stairs.

And finally, legally blind New York State Governor David Patterson appointed a new Lieutenant Governor this week. When asked why it took him so long to do this, Patterson said he “didn’t see the need before.” Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things David Patterson Didn’t See:
10. The humor in that statement I just quoted
9. His reflelctionwhile shaving this morning
8. Any pictures of that thing Michael Jackson claimed was his nose
7. The Macy’s Fourth of July fireworks
6. That it could be even remotely possible that he’d be making me feel kind of nostalgic for George Pataki
5. How poorly cast that new Star Trek movie actually was
4. That the NYS Senate didn’t actually close — it just took some time off and hit the beach to get a killer tan
3. The punchline to any of today’s jokes at least 20 minutes before I wrote them, which means he was the only one
2. How super-creepy Michael Jackson’s father looks these days
1. This picture:

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go update your picks in your Celebrity Dead Pool, since apparently half the legitimate choices have now been used up.

T “Regal Beagle” green

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By Tgreen, July 7, 2009 8:15 am

Michael Jackson’s corpse wasn’t even cool yet before professional feces-tosser Al Sharpton was out there reminding us that Michael was black, bad-mouthing Elvis and Sinatra, and making sure his name was spelled right in the articles written about him by the media he claims to hate. Al Sharpton hating the media is a bit like me hating oxygen, but today we’re not here to talk about Al Sharpton. No, today we’re here to talk about one of his ideas.

You see, while lecturing us on his view of the late King of Pop, Sharpton suggested that Michael Jackson belongs on a stamp. And he does. The King of Pop is the perfect candidate for a stamp, because just like the King of Rock & Roll, he offers us the chance to pick which version of him we want to see. And while Elvis gave us the choice of Fat Elvis vs Thin Elvis, Michael Jackson gives us so much more to work with, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Michael Jackson Stamp Choices:
10. Black Michael vs White Michael
9. Fake date with Brooke Shields Michael vs Fake marriage with Lisa Marie Presley Michael
8. Scarecrow Michael vs Captain Eo Michael
7. Man in the Mirror Michael vs Freak in a Surgical Mask Michael
6. Bubble Bath with Macauley Culkin Michael vs Sleepover with Emmanuel Lewis Michael
5. Bubbles the Chimp Michael vs Elephant Man’s Bones Michael
4. Pepsi Generation Michael vs Jesus Juice Michael
3. Thriller & Bad Michael vs Everything That Came Next Michael
2. Plastic Surgery Michael vs More Plastic Surgery Michael vs Still More Plastic Surgery Michael vs Seriously, Someone Should Lose Their Medical License For This Shit Michael
1. Michael vs Diana Ross

Me, I think he’d like that last one best, and I’m pretty sure I know which option he’d vote for.

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By Tgreen, July 7, 2009 12:45 am

Maybe. Let’s see how this blog thing goes before I claim any big time web presence anymore. And remember, kids, it doesn’t count until the first bad Top Ten list appears.