I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the blog post that’s not even supposed to be here today.

Yes, hello and welcome to the end result of a little bit of laziness and a whole lot of dead iPhone. There was supposed to be a Happy Friday last week, and it was actually supposed to happen last Thursday, but then I got lazy on Thursday and then my iPhone spent the entire day on Friday in a mostly dead state. But it’s all fixed now. Well, the phone is fixed. I’m still lazy as all hell, but the phone is fixed and so you get a surprise, never was supposed to happen, Happy Friday on a Wednesday. Aren’t you thankful?

And being thankful is actually the theme of today’s Happy Friday. Yes, they always have themes, didn’t you know that? Most weeks the theme is some variation of “what order can I put the same three ‘jokes’ in this time without anyone noticing?” but still, that counts as a theme. This week, however, it’s Thanksgiving week and that means it’s once again time for Tgreen to help show you just how much you have to be thankful for this year.

Now, I know a lot of you were not happy with the results of this year’s election and are wondering, “what the hell could there possibly be to be thankful for this year?” And I can understand why you feel that way, but don’t you worry. You have so much to be thankful for you’re going to be tired of being thankful, believe me. Your thankfulness is going to be huge, I’m telling you. Real bigly.

And so this Thursday when you sit down at the Thanksgiving table, wedged between your cousin Monica who can’t name the last five Presidents but can name every member of the Kardashian family, and your uncle Joe who accidentally wrote in “Donald Trump” on this year’s ballot because he’s actually been doing that in every election since 1988 and it’s kind of a reflex by now, and you’re hoping that this is the year your stepfather stays sober enough to get through grace without using the word “fuck” at least one time, and you’re wondering if this year your mom remembered to fully cook the sausage she used in the stuffing so there’s no repeat of 2003’s emergency room fiasco, and you’re waiting for your second cousin Carl to finish his annual recap of his favorite Chris Rock bit from 1999 that used to sound kind of racist coming a pasty white guy but now sounds almost Presidential, and you’re struggling not to blast your brother for his continued calls to boycott Hamilton because you’re almost positive he has no idea who or what Hamilton is, and you’re wondering if your sister is really going to get away with her plan to never go back to college because she says she just can’t with this election even though you’re positive her C- average has something to do with it, and you’re kind of embarrassed to admit that you really don’t even like turkey all that much and would be perfectly happy to celebrate Thanksgiving with a double cheeseburger as long as you could have a can of cranberry jelly on the side, just remember that this year you can be thankful…

…that the new President will be able to get right to work without distractions because he’s not going to have some day-glo assclown screaming about his birth certificate every five minutes.

…that a Trump administration might offer the best chance ever to eventually spawn that Hogan’s Heroes reboot you never knew you wanted.

…that President-elect Trump is just warming up for his war on terrorists by first going to war with Hamilton, CNN, SNL, and the New York Times, just like all the great warriors did.

…that a simple $25M payout for the Trump University case saved you from having to admit you ended up voting for the crooked one anyway.

…that Trump is going to make you all forget about the “white sheet” problem some of his supporters bring with them when his clothing company releases its new line of brown and black shirts.

…that if the President-elect keeps assembling his administration the way he has so far, surely it won’t be too much longer before Batman steps in to save us.

…that if CNN reports the story about Trump calling its reporters a pack of liars, and then reports that it was lying about that story, the resulting logic disconnect will cause the average Trump supporter’s brain to short-circuit. At least according to one of Captain Kirk’s more successful plans.

…that in order to avoid the potential for a conflict of interest, President Trump will be turning over the country to the capable hands of his daughter Ivanka. No, wait, not the country. The company. He’s giving her the company. Sorry, honest mistake.

…that you now have the opportunity to suck up to a President just like foreign dignitaries are doing by staying at his new hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue. And you get a mint on your pillow to boot.

…that you won’t have Hillary Clinton to kick around any more. Unless you work for Fox News because they’re still trying to figure out what script to go with for the next four years and will be in a holding pattern until about March or so.

…that the law of averages suggests that not everyone chosen to be part of the administration will be some kind of creep.

…that if you ever watched All the President’s Men you’ve got an outline for how the next four years might go.

…that Trump’s business concerns will be discussed at meetings with foreign leaders only part of the time, when they’re really important, and will almost never be item 1 on the agenda.

…that it’s now a real job to go on cable news and say with a straight face that if the media would just stop pointing cameras at white supremacist meetings the white supremacists would give up and go home, which means you really can get a job doing any crazy thing you can think of nowadays and so you should never give up on your dreams.

…that Vice President-elect Mike Pence is solid, reliable, living, breathing proof that things could always get worse.

…that the Washington Post edited a column last week to remove an aside where Donald Trump once asked if it was wrong to be more sexually attracted to a 13-year-old Ivanka than his own wife, because no one needs that kind of scene in their head. Oh, wait, sorry about that.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to build a wall that Mexico will pay for.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to repeal Obamacare.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to throw all the Mexicans out of the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to block all the Muslims from entering the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to lock Hillary Clinton up.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will ever acknowledge that there might be a valid link between people’s actions and climate change.

…that it’s almost impossible to physically hurt yourself as you’re forced to suddenly reverse all of your political beliefs just because the party you like is doing things you’ve spent years blasting the party you hate for doing.

…that there’s almost a 100% chance this is the last Happy Friday you’re gonna have to read in 2016.

Are you feeling thankful now? You’re welcome.

So yes, this is probably the last Happy Friday until next year. The plan was always to stop after the election and then come back the first time the new President pissed me off. So you can use that as your guide as to when you might expect the next one of these. I kind of want to do another Christmas one, but there’s also a little writing project I want to do in December and if that ends up working out at all, the Christmas Happy Friday gets dumped. But 2017. Gonna be bigly. Real bigly.

The reason last week’s Happy Friday was supposed to come out last Thursday was because last Thursday was Happy Friday’s 21st birthday and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge the day when this newsletter was finally old enough to drink legally. If I had realized the occasion was coming a little earlier, I would’ve tried to put together some kind of post-election party for it. But even though last year we had Happy Friday’s 20th birthday, somehow I didn’t get the fact that 21 followed 20 and so I figured this all out way too late to make a plan. What do you want, I’m no math major (oh no, now I’m recycling jokes from the late, great?, Coverup Report, so it’s definitely time to go). Therefore, any of you folks who attended that Happy Friday party back in the 90s can look back fondly on the one and only official Happy Friday event I’ve ever been able to organize in 21 years. And if you want to drink a shot in Happy Friday’s honor, I won’t stop you.

Now go on back to stuffing your turkey, or yanking your giblets, or scooping your cranberry jelly, or squeezing your cider, or baking your pie, or polishing your cornucopia, or slapping your pilgrim, or sailing your Mayflower, or candying your yams, or stirring your gravy, or hoisting your parade balloon, or marching your wooden soldier, or whatever it is you’ve gotta do to get through the day and, as always, have a Happy Trumpsgiving! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s not what it’s called.

Yet.

T “I would be perfectly happy with some toast and popcorn right about now” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your last stop before Nixon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno, the first woman to hold that position, died this week at age 78. But her legacy will live on forever, or at least as long as Will Ferrel can fit into a dress.

I have to admit it feels weird to use the phrase “first woman to hold that position” to describe anyone associated with Bill Clinton because, well, you know what I’m getting at here.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he had no memory of any of his aides describing the Bridgegate situation to him when they said in sworn testimony that they had done so. He said all he could recall from the day in question was his iPod hit him with Born to Run in the morning as he was getting dressed, his pork roll with cheese at breakfast had an extra slice of pork roll, he drove his car through a puddle and splashed a Democrat, the local McDonalds took his 2 for 1 Big Mac coupon even though it had expired, he beat Mitt Romney in a game of Risk, proving he would have made a better world leader, he got two cherries on his hot fudge sundae at dessert, and he went to bed listening to a 1985 Springsteen bootleg, but no, his memory was foggy on any mentions of bridge traffic.

An American satellite abandoned in 1967 has begun transmitting agin after 46 years. It’s first message was an NBC News clip saying it looks like nothing but smooth sailing for Dick Nixon in the 1972 election.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 55% this week, which is going to sound pretty ironic in 3…2…1…

Breaking News! The results of the 2016 Presidential Election are in! And America, are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy? I sure hope so, because President-elect Donald Trump just swung by Costco to buy the big box of Tic Tacs and he’s heading your way. Yes, as we all know, former reality show host and former WWE guest manager and former expert in bankruptcy law and longtime lingering dick ache Donald Trump was elected President this week. I got a peek at his upcoming schedule, and it looks pretty packed:

December: Rape trial

December: Racketeering trial

January: Inauguration

It’s gonna be a pretty busy couple of months for the President-elect, isn’t it? And it just stays busy, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things on Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Agenda:

10. Piss on Constitution, except for that Second Amendment part

9. Appoint Chris Christie Secretary of Taylor Ham

8. Send Obama back to his homeland in Kenya

7. Fire Chris Christie and tell him it’s Pork Roll, not Taylor Ham, stupid

6. Start working on list of which campaign promises he should break first

5. Figure out which room will be Putin’s

4. Launch search for new, younger Melania

3. Release decree declaring himself 44th President to erase every last sign that Obama existed

2. Find space for Giuliani’s crypt

1. Implement Order 66

I also got a peek at House Speaker Paul Ryan’s schedule and while he did scratch out Hillary’s name from his January 21st Impeachment hearing, the hearing itself is still on there. Huh, wonder what that means.

Donald Trump did get some other good news this week. That tax audit he kept going on about during the election? It’s been cancelled, effective 4PM, January 20, 2017. Everything’s coming up Donald!
Trump does have to get to work quickly to put together a cabinet. Some names being tossed around include Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and Chris Christie. There’s no way Christie fits in with this group, though. He hasn’t even cheated on one wife yet. Giuliani, Gingrich and Trump will just laugh at him in staff meetings if he doesn’t change that.

Though if he does get a job in the Trump administration, Christie might be the first cabinet member who needs to get a Presidential pardon before he gets a job offer.

I know, in hindsight some of Nixon’s guys could’ve used the same thing but no one knew that for sure until his second term kicked in.

I hear Sarah Palin’s name has come up too. But for god’s sake, don’t anybody say Dick Cheney’s name three times.

I’ll tell you, though, who knew the KKK endorsement would carry so much weight?

Just out of curiosity, since our new President is such an advocate of getting more guns into more people’s hands, does this mean the White House is now going to be an open carry zone? Asking for a friend.

Although really, no matter how you might feel about the results of this election, you have to accept that the people have spoken. I mean, the people have also made the Big Mac one of the biggest selling menu items in history and the people kept According to Jim on the air for like a thousand years, but still, the people have spoken. Slightly less than half the people who voted, but still. I mean, you can’t whine about the popular vote vs the Electoral College just because your candidate lost. Only the sorest of sore losers would do something like that.

Don’t go looking for those Tweets either, because he deleted them. For very Presidential reasons, no doubt. Man, I expect to look back at that old 18 1/2-minute gap in the tape as such a quaint thing to be upset about.

This week Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the Senate will move swiftly to repeal Obamacare. In its place, every American will receive a bottle of Robitussin and a SpongeBob Band Aid. Republicans can do this because they have the majority and Donald Trump has a mandate. Just remember, kids – and this knowledge will serve you well in the future – the way politics works is like this: when a Republican wins an election, it’s a mandate. When a Democrat wins an election, it’s an obstacle to find a way around.

There was an awkward moment when President Obama met with Donald Trump at the White House this week and Trump flipped Obama a quarter and asked for a shoe shine before the President showed up.

Trump could prove me a liar there but he didn’t allow the press to come with him to the meeting. Oh well.

Yeah, I think what I’m going to miss most of all is the First Amendment. I’ve grown somewhat fond of that one.

But you know, it’s not really a mystery why Trump won. He’s gonna drain the swamp. Yep, drain the swamp. Come on Donny, drain the swamp. Who wouldn’t want that? Who can look at the way our government has worked the last 30–40 years and honestly say that draining the swamp is a bad idea? Right?

But wait a second, what was that name I saw on Trump’s To Fuck The Country List? Newt Gingrich? Newt fucking Gingrich? Saying you’re draining the swamp and then bringing in Newt Gingrich is like, if I may go all comic book nerd on you for a second, kicking out the Heap but inviting Swamp Thing to drop by for a spell. And yes, there’s a much more obvious comic book character I could’ve used in that analogy there but I decided to spare you all from associating Newt Gingrich with the Giant-Sized Man-Thing. You’re welcome.

And you really want to drain the swamp? What was that other name I just saw up there? Mitch McConnell? Mitch fucking McConnell? Mitch McConnell is the fucking swamp. Think I’m being too partisan picking on two Republicans? That’s fair. The fact is, there’s people in Congress from both parties who got into office when at most there were only three Star Wars movies. At most. Only three. Yes, that’s a long fucking time ago in a galaxy right outside your fucking door. You want to drain the swamp, stop voting for these guys. You didn’t need Barack Obama to do that. You don’t need Donald Trump to do that.You just need to get up off your ass and educate yourself on the candidates and the issues and then you need to go out and vote and, oh, I see. I get it now. Never mind. This is how you get the country’s first social media President.

You see more Trump supporters on social media demanding that Amy Schumer keep her promise to leave the country if Trump is elected than you see Trump supporters demanding that Trump keep the promises he made to get elected in the first place. Though maybe that’s because it’s not clear which of Trump’s promises were real and which were just talk. I don’t want to say Trump did not always deliver a consistent message but the man has managed to end a sentence on the exact opposite side of an issue from where he started it. It’s good to keep an open mind, but your positions should at least stay in the same area code.

So we’ve got Trump, and we’ve got protestors, and we’ve even got Trump on the protestors.

Unfair? Un fucking fair? Trump thinks two days of protest aren’t fair? He doesn’t even have a bloated bag of dicks going on TV screaming that he wasn’t born in this country yet. Maybe it’s time for him to toughen up a little bit. Thicken the old orange hide. Because the fact is every President sparks an outrage in someone. Every President ends up with people hating him. Every President walks away with an approval rating parked well south of 50%, which means more than half the people can no longer stand the sight of him. Well, except the allegedly Kenyan one. He’s up around 55% now, and I suspect Trump might help bump him up another couple of points before January. So maybe it’s time for Trump to put the Twitter down and act like a President. Because the job gets a whole lot harder than a couple of days of protests.

I honestly don’t even know what the protestors expect to accomplish. What’s a protest going to do? That’s not the American way. We don’t protest when we get an election result we don’t like. When we get a President that for some reason scares us. No, what we do is we dehumanized the opposition. We work to undermine it. We work to bring the entire government to a standstill when we don’t get our way. We expend so much of our time and energy pointing out the shortcomings of the other side that there’s no time to make sure our own side is behaving properly, but we don’t care because the other side is clearly wrong and everyone needs to know it. We refuse to do the jobs to which we are elected because if we do them we might allow the opposition to accomplish something. We lie and we spread rumors. We interpret the Constitution in whatever way is the most convenient to our point of view on that particular day. We crank out propaganda 24/7 and we call it fair and we call it balanced and we wrap ourselves in our holy book of choice while acting in the most godless ways possible and we convince ourselves we’re right because the other side is evil. We ignore every principle we claim to have if we can get a leg up on the other side and we shame the other side if we think we caught it doing the same thing. We spend every day for 8 years bemoaning an election result we did not like and we work against our country’s own interests because we can’t afford to let the other side look good for even a second. And then when we finally do win again we immediately tell the losing side that the people have spoken and they need to get over it. Protesting? Only whiny children would ever think of protesting an election result.

But here we are, staring another Inauguration in the face. And I know this whole Happy Friday went off the rails paragraphs ago, but I also know nobody made it this far so I’m okay with it. Half the country is happy right now and half is miserable, as it should be. As it usually is after a big election. It’s worse now because there are people genuinely scared about what this all means, and they have genuinely good reasons for feeling that way. But it will pass, I think. Trump will take office and do whatever it is he’s going to do and the mood in this country will even out. As it does. As it must. And a year from now, all of today’s happy people and all of today’s miserable people will be able to agree…that we all made a terrible mistake.

See you next time for an anniversary and a break.

T “do you recall what was revealed the day the music died” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green