Comments (0)

By Tgreen, April 29, 2017 2:47 pm

Since the era of FDR, I think, people have used a new President’s first 100 days in office as a shorthand way to assess how he’s doing. As the days counted down on Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, his administration started scrambling like a C student in high school who has a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird due at the end of the week and he doesn’t even know what a mockingbird is, much less why anyone would need to kill one. And the reason behind this scramble is a perceived lack of accomplishment on the part of the new Trump Administration. And this could not be further from the truth. Donald Trump, in his first 100 days, has accomplished some fantastic things. A huge amount of things, let me tell you. Way more than Hillary accomplished. Or Obama or Bush or any other President. And you’ll see exactly what he’s done when you take a peek (though for your own safety I would advise that you not do it) at…

Tgreen’s Top 100 Things Donald Trump Accomplished In His First 100 Days:

1. Gave Stephen Colbert enough of a ratings boost to stick it to Jimmy Fallon
2. Signed executive order banning Jar-Jar from being in any of the new Star Wars movies
3. Kept Vice President Christie and Supreme Court Justice Giuliani as players in your nightmare and not an actual thing
4. Left a trail of $100 bills to lead unsuspecting followers straight to the offices of Goldman Sachs
5. Got Layla added to White House karaoke machine
6. Finally broke the glass ceiling to get some rich white guys into government
7. Crushed ISIS on Day 1, though he was not expecting ISIS’s identical twin cousin to arrive on the scene so quickly and start causing trouble
8. Guaranteed that whatever part of NAFTA ensures a steady supply of Timbits will not be renegotiated
9. Stopped three terrorists on the 6th hole at Mar-a-lago and birdied the hole while bringing them in
10. Ensured George W. Bush will forever never be worse than second-least articulate President
11. Inspired at least five different plot lines for Lex Luthor in the next two year’s worth of Superman comics
12. Introduced legislation to prevent any Three Stooges marathon from showing more than two Shemps in a row
13. Created 10K new jobs in the spray tan dye manufacturing industry
14. Helped keep Alec Baldwin from having too much free time
15. Guaranteed that there will be no shortage of potential stars of his inevitable biopic
16. Helped whoever picked 87% as the percentage of things he’d blame Obama for win a tidy sum
17. Took down Obamacare about as effectively as Boss Hogg took down the Duke boys
18. Did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski
19. Found a way to get Billy Bush off your TV screen
20. Introduced the country to the raw sensual heat that is VP Mike Pence
21. Even if it was only for a few minutes, allowed Newt Gingrich to be the voice of reason somewhere, some how
22. Prevented Hillary Clinton from bombing Syria and turning our government over to the leeches at Goldman Sachs
23. Did almost as much to prevent President George Pataki as George Pataki did
24. Worked double time to make telling the truth just one of several options in your everyday interactions
25. Kicked off investigation into why the McRib is not a regular menu item anymore
26. Set new White House Buffalo Wing eating contest record
27. So far has resisted the urge to turn the Department of Education into a subsidiary of Trump University
28. Managed to outpace the One Lie a Day that most people predicted for him
29. Proved that Mitt Romney was right to call Russia our #1 enemy back in 2012
30. Did not grab Angela Merkel by the pussy, as far as we know
31. Managed to outlast both Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly
32. Sent Kellyann Conway to the cornfield without anyone noticing
33. Found a way to make Kim Jong Un seem like a sober world leader
34. Promised that immigrants will always have a place here, and by here we mean working for less than minimum wage at some Trump-owned company
35. Proved that orange Kool-Aid is apparently the best Kool-Aid
36. Continues to do whatever he has to do to make sure we never have to see that tape of two Russian hookers peeing on him
37. Inspired John McCain to start his own revolution, which apparently involves voting for every Trump nominee
38. Makes Groot seem like the picture of eloquence
39. Has so far not actually hired Sarah Palin to do anything
40. Gave his kids jobs when it was obvious nobody else would
41. Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop
42. Also put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong
43. Has allowed his old Tweets to turn into some kind of Museum of Delusion and seems perfectly okay with this
44. Proved what we always suspected: reading is for nerds and science is for Poindexters
45. Was somehow involved in helping Roger Kraft get another Super Bowl ring to replace the one Putin stole
46. Hired Ben Carson, which proved every useless and unqualified person in his Contacts list isn’t white
47. Lack of praiseworthy results has allowed conservative news outlets to blow through their inventory of anti-Obama and anti-Hillary stories
48. Pictures of Trump in a truck show potential post-White House career as star of Convoy reboot
49. Manages to keep his lips from moving any time Sean Hannity talks
50. Scored a huge donation from the chocolate cake lobby recently
51. Gave Ted Nugent an excuse to get out of the house, which if nothing else made his family happy for a couple of hours
52. Is choosing to kill the environment in baby steps so at least we have time to document it
53. Hiring Rick Perry ensures that George W. Bush will only ever be the second dumbest man from Texas to work in the Federal government
54. Allowed Jeb Bush the chance to work that old Bush magic on the Florida Marlins, thus lifting the chances for all other NL East teams
55. Doing so much business at Mar-a-lago ensures that only the richest spy agencies will have a shot at learning what he’s up to
56. Creation of “fake news” debate forces media too be focused on itself to keep a close eye on whatever the hell Steve Bannon is up to
57. Every time he mentions North Korea, church attendance across the country spikes
58. Given his preferred skin tone, someone’s gonna score some bucks selling “Trump puts the Peach in Impeachment” t-shirts should the time come
59. Created jobs for 2 additional trainers hired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg to keep her alive
60. Thanks to all its mentions on the news, now a majority of KKK members know how to spell the name of their organization
61. Ensured that Chuck Schumer is no longer always the most annoying politician from NYC
62. Turned Marvel Comics’ upcoming Secret Empire event into at least half documentary
63. Met with Chinese leadership and not once demanded to meet General Tso
64. Set the bar relatively low for any number of future Presidents Kardhasian
65. Hired exactly the right staff to still look like the smartest guy in the room
66. Talked Paul Ryan out of original Obamacare replacement plan: An Advil and two Band-Aids
67. Has so far not been able to deport the guys who mow my lawn
68. Has yet to give the Avengers a reason to assemble against him
69. Abandoned attempt to claim White House was haunted once he was told this would not help him meet those lady Ghostbusters
70. Has only wandered past a White House tour group with his bathrobe open three and a half times
71. Has cut his late night “I’ve got no idea what the fuck I’m doing could I hire your dad to take care of some guys for me?” calls to Ted Cruz down to one a week
72. Set world record for mental impairment diagnosis: somewhere south of 140 characters
73. Has kept Toby Keith busy writing new National Anthem
74. Has helped Lee Greenwood almost catch up on his mortgage payments
75. Nightly news of Trump activities keep Democrats too busy to really look into how they fucked up in 2016
76. Almost always remembers to let Melania out of the Tower every other day or so
77. Has helped remind some people that MSNBC still exists and did not go off the air 12 years ago
78. Might be a rich politician from NYC, but at least he hasn’t tried to take anyone’s soda away
79. Openness to letting everyone own any kind of gun they want will eventually thin the ranks of his supporters by natural selection
80. Has so far not gone through with his Executive Order declaring himself Batman
81. Exact status of his tax returns will one day drive the storyline of one hell of an episode of Scooby-Doo
82. Has managed to keep his campaign engine running at top shape and ready to defeat Hillary Clinton the next time it needs to
83. Chose not to show off and make Democrats feel bad and therefore only kept about five or six campaign promises when he could have totally done them all in the first week, let me tell you
84. Without anyone realizing it, has turned Sean Spicer into the star of a reality prank show called “The Joke’s On You…Period!” that’s getting the best ratings of Trump’s career
85. Had mostly left Japan alone because of how much his sons loved their Shogun Warriors toys when they were kids
86. Has said so many positive things about Brexit in an attempt to keep Hugh Grant from making any more movies
87. Has kept it a secret that he’s really only playing so much golf so he can join the US team at the next Olympics
88. Multiple protests against him are all just part of his plan to get people exercising more
89. Just submitted a really soothing color scheme to be used on our side of the wall
90. Has pitched multiple Snapchat filters to celebrate his birthday because he wants to share with the little people
91. Compiled a list of nearly a dozen rich people who won’t do well under his proposed tax plan in case anyone in the fake media asks him about it
92. Has gone one record saying that Greedo didn’t shoot first
93. Has a mini shortcake sent to Little Marco Rubio’s office every Thursday with a card that says “You’re small, Marco”
94. Satisfied his urge to start a war by playing countless hours of Contra on an old NES
95. Has only tried to take a loan out using the White House as collateral three times
96. By being elected he forced a lot of media outlets to hold onto their “house conservatives”, people who would be unemployable in any other circumstances
97. His actions forced a bunch of his supporters to pipe down on social media after not being able to shut up all through November, December and January
98. Allowed a bunch of people to add “Survive nuclear holocaust” to their bucket lists
99. Somehow managed to pay less in taxes than many of his supporters, not that we’ll ever know for sure
100. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that a Top 100 List is an exponentially worse idea than a Top Ten List

T “you’re on your own for the second 100 days” green