I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the blog post that’s not even supposed to be here today.

Yes, hello and welcome to the end result of a little bit of laziness and a whole lot of dead iPhone. There was supposed to be a Happy Friday last week, and it was actually supposed to happen last Thursday, but then I got lazy on Thursday and then my iPhone spent the entire day on Friday in a mostly dead state. But it’s all fixed now. Well, the phone is fixed. I’m still lazy as all hell, but the phone is fixed and so you get a surprise, never was supposed to happen, Happy Friday on a Wednesday. Aren’t you thankful?

And being thankful is actually the theme of today’s Happy Friday. Yes, they always have themes, didn’t you know that? Most weeks the theme is some variation of “what order can I put the same three ‘jokes’ in this time without anyone noticing?” but still, that counts as a theme. This week, however, it’s Thanksgiving week and that means it’s once again time for Tgreen to help show you just how much you have to be thankful for this year.

Now, I know a lot of you were not happy with the results of this year’s election and are wondering, “what the hell could there possibly be to be thankful for this year?” And I can understand why you feel that way, but don’t you worry. You have so much to be thankful for you’re going to be tired of being thankful, believe me. Your thankfulness is going to be huge, I’m telling you. Real bigly.

And so this Thursday when you sit down at the Thanksgiving table, wedged between your cousin Monica who can’t name the last five Presidents but can name every member of the Kardashian family, and your uncle Joe who accidentally wrote in “Donald Trump” on this year’s ballot because he’s actually been doing that in every election since 1988 and it’s kind of a reflex by now, and you’re hoping that this is the year your stepfather stays sober enough to get through grace without using the word “fuck” at least one time, and you’re wondering if this year your mom remembered to fully cook the sausage she used in the stuffing so there’s no repeat of 2003’s emergency room fiasco, and you’re waiting for your second cousin Carl to finish his annual recap of his favorite Chris Rock bit from 1999 that used to sound kind of racist coming a pasty white guy but now sounds almost Presidential, and you’re struggling not to blast your brother for his continued calls to boycott Hamilton because you’re almost positive he has no idea who or what Hamilton is, and you’re wondering if your sister is really going to get away with her plan to never go back to college because she says she just can’t with this election even though you’re positive her C- average has something to do with it, and you’re kind of embarrassed to admit that you really don’t even like turkey all that much and would be perfectly happy to celebrate Thanksgiving with a double cheeseburger as long as you could have a can of cranberry jelly on the side, just remember that this year you can be thankful…

…that the new President will be able to get right to work without distractions because he’s not going to have some day-glo assclown screaming about his birth certificate every five minutes.

…that a Trump administration might offer the best chance ever to eventually spawn that Hogan’s Heroes reboot you never knew you wanted.

…that President-elect Trump is just warming up for his war on terrorists by first going to war with Hamilton, CNN, SNL, and the New York Times, just like all the great warriors did.

…that a simple $25M payout for the Trump University case saved you from having to admit you ended up voting for the crooked one anyway.

…that Trump is going to make you all forget about the “white sheet” problem some of his supporters bring with them when his clothing company releases its new line of brown and black shirts.

…that if the President-elect keeps assembling his administration the way he has so far, surely it won’t be too much longer before Batman steps in to save us.

…that if CNN reports the story about Trump calling its reporters a pack of liars, and then reports that it was lying about that story, the resulting logic disconnect will cause the average Trump supporter’s brain to short-circuit. At least according to one of Captain Kirk’s more successful plans.

…that in order to avoid the potential for a conflict of interest, President Trump will be turning over the country to the capable hands of his daughter Ivanka. No, wait, not the country. The company. He’s giving her the company. Sorry, honest mistake.

…that you now have the opportunity to suck up to a President just like foreign dignitaries are doing by staying at his new hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue. And you get a mint on your pillow to boot.

…that you won’t have Hillary Clinton to kick around any more. Unless you work for Fox News because they’re still trying to figure out what script to go with for the next four years and will be in a holding pattern until about March or so.

…that the law of averages suggests that not everyone chosen to be part of the administration will be some kind of creep.

…that if you ever watched All the President’s Men you’ve got an outline for how the next four years might go.

…that Trump’s business concerns will be discussed at meetings with foreign leaders only part of the time, when they’re really important, and will almost never be item 1 on the agenda.

…that it’s now a real job to go on cable news and say with a straight face that if the media would just stop pointing cameras at white supremacist meetings the white supremacists would give up and go home, which means you really can get a job doing any crazy thing you can think of nowadays and so you should never give up on your dreams.

…that Vice President-elect Mike Pence is solid, reliable, living, breathing proof that things could always get worse.

…that the Washington Post edited a column last week to remove an aside where Donald Trump once asked if it was wrong to be more sexually attracted to a 13-year-old Ivanka than his own wife, because no one needs that kind of scene in their head. Oh, wait, sorry about that.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to build a wall that Mexico will pay for.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to repeal Obamacare.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to throw all the Mexicans out of the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to block all the Muslims from entering the country.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will go back on his promise to lock Hillary Clinton up.

…that there’s no way President-elect Trump will ever acknowledge that there might be a valid link between people’s actions and climate change.

…that it’s almost impossible to physically hurt yourself as you’re forced to suddenly reverse all of your political beliefs just because the party you like is doing things you’ve spent years blasting the party you hate for doing.

…that there’s almost a 100% chance this is the last Happy Friday you’re gonna have to read in 2016.

Are you feeling thankful now? You’re welcome.

So yes, this is probably the last Happy Friday until next year. The plan was always to stop after the election and then come back the first time the new President pissed me off. So you can use that as your guide as to when you might expect the next one of these. I kind of want to do another Christmas one, but there’s also a little writing project I want to do in December and if that ends up working out at all, the Christmas Happy Friday gets dumped. But 2017. Gonna be bigly. Real bigly.

The reason last week’s Happy Friday was supposed to come out last Thursday was because last Thursday was Happy Friday’s 21st birthday and I thought it would be nice to acknowledge the day when this newsletter was finally old enough to drink legally. If I had realized the occasion was coming a little earlier, I would’ve tried to put together some kind of post-election party for it. But even though last year we had Happy Friday’s 20th birthday, somehow I didn’t get the fact that 21 followed 20 and so I figured this all out way too late to make a plan. What do you want, I’m no math major (oh no, now I’m recycling jokes from the late, great?, Coverup Report, so it’s definitely time to go). Therefore, any of you folks who attended that Happy Friday party back in the 90s can look back fondly on the one and only official Happy Friday event I’ve ever been able to organize in 21 years. And if you want to drink a shot in Happy Friday’s honor, I won’t stop you.

Now go on back to stuffing your turkey, or yanking your giblets, or scooping your cranberry jelly, or squeezing your cider, or baking your pie, or polishing your cornucopia, or slapping your pilgrim, or sailing your Mayflower, or candying your yams, or stirring your gravy, or hoisting your parade balloon, or marching your wooden soldier, or whatever it is you’ve gotta do to get through the day and, as always, have a Happy Trumpsgiving! Oh, wait, sorry, that’s not what it’s called.

Yet.

T “I would be perfectly happy with some toast and popcorn right about now” green

Hello and welcome to the Happy Friday Thanksgiving Spectacular, where we define “Spectacular” as “the same jokes as always, but reordered in a special holiday fashion”. And by “special” we mean “barely at all different than any other time we’ve done this”. And by “this” we mean the “joke” we’re going for in this paragraph. And we put quote marks around the word joke because we are legally required to do so since that incident in The Poison Pen that time.

No idea why we’re using the word we, since everyone knows it’s just one guy writing all this. How sad would it be if an entire staff was required to come up with this crap? Sad indeed.

Fortunately, that’s not a mystery you need to ponder right now, and for that you can be thankful. Which is the point of today’s post. Being thankful. Because times have been tough lately, and so you may have reasons to doubt there’s anything to be thankful for right now. Maybe you got caught up in Superstorm Sandy (because it happened to New York, we can’t just call it a hurricane). Maybe you’re a huge Mitt Romney fan (really?!?). Maybe you were holding out hope to find one last Suzy-Q in the Hostess section of your supermarket (coincidentally, a wall of Suzy-Qs could hold back even the strongest flood). Or maybe you read the same article I read this morning that said scientists have discovered that fire tornadoes actually exist and are not just something that you might have expected Superman to fight in a 1967 issue of Action Comics.

I hear you. There’s plenty of reasons to pack it in tomorrow and either hold out for better in 2013 or start rooting for the Mayans the way you root for your favorite NHL team and maybe I could’ve picked a better example there but I’m too lazy to hit the delete key so I’m just going to keep typing and pretend I did not inadvertently just bring up another depressing fact for some of you. But no, we will not give in to any of that. And why? Because we here at Happy Friday Central have spent agonizing minutes coming up with reasons to be thankful this year.

And so tomorrow, as you sit down at the table across from your Uncle Herman with the crazy eye that’s always looking in two directions at once and your Aunt Doris with the snaggletooth and the “friend” she always goes on vacation with because Uncle Herman only leaves the house for major holidays and yard sales, and next to your cousin Shirley who you once dared to drink an entire gallon of milk and with whom you never, ever speak of that day again on one side and your brother Joe who’s had his face painted green for the Jets game for the last 3 weeks straight on the other side, and you try to figure out the odds that there will be any cranberry jelly or stuffing left by the time it’s your turn to fill your plate, just remember that this year, you can be thankful that…

…someone, somewhere is probably trying to figure out a way to cram a 4th NFL game into Thanksgiving Day.

…it’s past mid-November and the Islanders still have the same chance of winning the Stanley Cup this year as any other NHL team.

…the odds are pretty good that they’ve already made the worst Star Wars movie they’re ever gonna make.

…there’s no legal requirement for you to pay attention to anything Donald Trump has to say.

…they may have taken away the Twinkie, but the McRib could make a comeback any day now.

…Fox News is so mad at Mitt Romney right now it could be months before it remembers it’s supposed to be trashing Obama 24/7.

…you’ll never have to see that Shmuley Boteach campaign commercial ever again.

…Rex Ryan lost all that weight before the Jets play on Thanksgiving night so you probably won’t have to hear a 10-minute-long tribute to the turducken.

…autocorrect knows how to spell turducken.

…seriously, no matter how stupid a thing Trump says, you can ignore it or pretend it never happened or whatever and that’s okay.

…you work for good people who are always on the lookout for your best interests and treat you like an actual human being with your own thoughts and needs and plans. Or, more likely, you don’t but at least you know someone who does. Or, more likely, you don’t even know anyone who does but at least you enjoyed reading that sentence and pretending it’s true. Or, more likely, at least you’re drunk by noon every day.

…it could at least be possible the insurance adjuster might believe that the storm washed away your Lamborghini.

…autocorrect knows how to spell Lamborghini.

…thousands of smart people have spent millions of dollars over decades to create technology so powerful that you can now share a picture of a cat in a bow tie with people all over the world while you’re taking a dump.

…no, I don’t think you understand, Trump is totally ignorable. You don’t even have to try that hard.

…they still haven’t captured and jailed the Cream of Wheat Monster.

…our country can no longer send a man into space, but it can give you 16 different filters for your Instagram photos of space, or more likely of your roommate doing jello shots off of some girl’s ass.

…shows like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo are setting the bar of fame so low that even your stupid boring ass could be a TV star by 2017.

…Waffle House is open 24 hours.

…your office is not.

…you probably live near a state-of-the-art public transportation system that moves millions of people to and from thousands of destinations every day without a hitch (unless you live in the New York metropolitan area, in which case, no).

…no matter how shitty this list is, if you’re reading it at least that means you finally got your power back.

…even I eventually acknowledge I’m out of material, and then 5 or 6 “jokes” later like clockwork, I close it down.

So that’s all for this time. Enjoy the day off, don’t lose all your Christmas money on bad football bets, keep the cat out of the stuffing and the stuffing out of the cat, try to avoid a meltdown, at least finish your dinner before running out to one of the stores opening Thanksgiving night, don’t trample anyone while diving for a door buster at Walmart, learn that poem, keep your eyes skinned for small ice and growlers, please return your seats to an upright and locked position and, because there’s a giant plate of food planted right in front of you, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

T “I’m getting too old for this shit” green