Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 30, 2016 9:28 am

March 10, 2006

This week a political grudge match was avoided when Dubai announced it would not be taking over control of several US ports and would instead be turing that authority over to an American “entity.” That entity? Halliburton. Who says nice guys have to finish last?

Okay, it’s not really Halliburton that’s getting the ports contract. But they could if they wanted to, now that we all know one of Dick Cheney’s negotiating tactics.

After Dubai’s announcement, President Bush expressed his disappointment in the deal’s failure. I think. Who can understand him?

The biggest loser in the whole ports fiasco? Is it President Bush? Sure, I could see how you’d think that, seeing as how his approval rating is plunging toward the margin of error and all that, but he’s not the biggest loser in all this. The biggest loser is the first opponent to the deal – New York Senator Chuck Schumer, because the deal got cancelled just as he was building up a big head of steam on camera. There goes his reality show deal.

Another big loser in all this? Hillary Clinton, because while she was slamming the deal on TV, husband Bill Clinton was apparently advising Dubai behind the scenes. Which is very similar to how the Clinton’s have operated in the past, with one not knowing what the other was doing. The only difference is that in the past, it was usually Bill doing the slamming.

In other news, NASA said this week that it’s discovered evidence of the existence of a geyser larger than Yellowstone’s Old Faithful on Enceladus, one of Saturn’s moons. The existence of a geyser opens the possibility of life in the solar system, because once you find a tourist attraction, can tourists be far behind?

This week Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book alleging that baseball star Barry Bonds used compounds such as steroids, insulin, and female fertility drugs to improve his performance over the past 8 years. Upon arriving in training camp Bonds denied the allegations, but had to cut his press conference short when he began ovulating.

The movie Crash won the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards last week in what some were calling the biggest upset ever. Now really, since Crash was one of the 5 nominees, was it really the biggest upset ever? If The Dukes of Hazzard had won, that would’ve been the biggest upset ever, since not only was it not nominated, but apparently if anyone admitted to even seeing it, they weren’t allowed to submit their Oscar ballot.

And speaking of them Dukes, have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson and Miss Piggy? I’m always amazed when they manage to get a completely artificial character to interact with real people. And they do a pretty good job with Miss Piggy too.

UN officials monitoring the spread of bird flu said this week that the deadly virus could reach the United States by mid-year, which means you all had better hurry and have your last McNugget while there’s just one way it could kill you.

Any of you folks reading this who live in New York have no doubt seen and read lots of coverage on the woman who disappeared from outside of a Soho bar, only to turn up raped and murdered in a field near Kennedy Airport. The NYPD is conducting an intense investigation into the tragic case, but apparently its work is being hampered by the media. Not the reporters trying to report the case, though. No, it’s being hampered by the writers of CSI:NY, Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, who are all trying to get another ripped from the headlines episode on the air in time for May sweeps.

I hear the writers for the new Law & Order show Conviction were also planning to tag along, but then they realized there’s no way their show is still on the air by May, so they stayed home and worked on their resumes instead.

In sports news, the NFL owners and players have a new collective bargaining agreement in place after some tense negotiations and two deadline extensions. With the new agreement in place, the salary cap is increased, higher profile teams share revenue with lower profile teams, and John Madden will only be allowed to mention the word “turducken” twice per season. So everybody wins.

In other sports news, the World Baseball Classic continues. Apparently. Not that you can find anyone willing to admit they’ve watched it.

This week software giant Microsoft unveiled its latest product – the UMPC, or ultra-mobile PC – that plays videos, music, and games, and also runs standard Windows programs, comes with a can opener and corkscrew, can core a apple, and can also be used as a dessert topping or a floor wax. Microsoft expects sales of the UMPC to exceed all analysts’ expectations. Or else.

I don’t know about wherever you’re living, but here in New York City Springtime made a sudden appearance today. How do I know? It’s simple, I just took a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Springtime in New York:

10. Sightings of misplaced $1000 bills as Mayor Bloomberg begins Spring cleaning of his wallet
9. Senator Hillary Clinton has invisible electro-fence installed around Bill’s office building
8. Rev. Al Sharpton stops wearing thermal sweat suit at rallies
7. Steinbrenner starts showing up on the back page of the papers again
6. New York Islander players start reserving tee times for April

5. Homeless people strip down to 7 layers of winter coats
4. Trump puts winter ego into storage, has summer ego flown up from Florida for refurbishment
3. All work comes to a standstill as office resources are put to work on everyone’s NCAA brackets
2. Commuters stop grumbling about having to travel in the cold, start grumbling about having to work when it’s nice out
1. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten list

And that’s all we have time for this week. Stay tuned next week for either some St. Patrick’s Day humor, or stay tuned in two weeks for the big excuse why there was no St. Patrick’s Day humor. Ooh, the anticipation.

T “a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 23, 2016 8:33 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

Well, would you?

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

Just add pork roll and you’d sit in 4 hours of bridge traffic to get one.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

They’re laughing over Bridgegate, not this week’s Top Ten List.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

“I don’t look so bad now, do I?!?”

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 16, 2016 11:08 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday! Sorry about that.

A tractor trailer on I–68 in Maryland caught fire this week, burning a truckload of bacon and ribs. And in a related story, this week’s Happy Friday is coming to you from the shoulder of I–68 in Maryland.

In advertising news, this week Dos Equis named a new Most Interesting Man In The World. Don’t worry, though, the title of Least Interesting Man In The World is still a 3-way tie between that guy who sits one cube over from you at work and always talks about his Logan’s Run fanfic, the guy who sits next to you on the train every day and talks about his Fantasy Football team, and your brother-in-law the stamp enthusiast.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump said this week that he wants to debate without a moderator. And without an audience. And without any media fact checkers. And, frankly, without Hillary Clinton either.

“The way it works is, we put our keys in a bowl and…”

This week Hillary Clinton fainted while leaving 9/11 memorial ceremonies early after becoming overheated. It was later revealed that she’d been diagnosed with pneumonia two days earlier. Fox News announced that its wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral will start five minutes ago.

A new interview from September 11, 2001, resurfaced this week and showed that Donald Trump, when asked his opinion on the World Trade Center attacks, chose to point out that his building at 40 Wall Street was once again the tallest building in lower Manhattan. He offered no hint as to how many more people would have had to die in order for him to also have the largest penis in lower Manhattan, but one suspects the smart money would be on “most of them.”

This week Hillary Clinton apologized for saying that half of Donald Trump’s supporters belong in a basket of deplorables, claiming that in reality she’d seriously underestimated that percentage.

She actually didn’t have to apologize for nearly three days because it took that long for the average Trump supporter to find out what “deplorable” meant.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the first time Hillary used the term “basket of deplorables.” Back in the 90s that’s how she referred to Bill’s scrotum.

This week Donald Trump did an interview with Larry King on King’s Russia Today talk show. The interview ended up being the third-most-watched program on Russian TV that night, coming in behind only Everybody Loves Putin and Better Call Putin, and just narrowly edging out According to Putin, Two Guys, a Girl and Putin, Putin and the Bear, and CSI: Minsk.

When asked this week if he would denounce former KKK leader David Duke, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said he didn’t like to name-call. Brother, did you ever join the wrong team.

This week it was revealed that Donald Trump once spent $20K of his charity’s money to purchase a portrait of himself. Clearly not one of those Dorian Gray ones, though.

New investigations discovered this week that in the 1960s, the sugar industry paid for two major studies that were designed to mask sugar’s potential role in coronary heart disease. This is only the second-worst thing the sugar industry did in the 1960s, since nothing will ever top whatever it was they did to get that Sugar, Sugar song on the charts.

This news about the sugar industry could prove to be a game-changer. Now you can’t say for sure whether your triple bypass was caused by your daily can of Coke habit, or your daily 2 for $5 Big Mac habit. It’s mysteries like this one that can keep a person up all night.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign planned to release more information about her health after this week’s pneumonia scare. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the info was apparently all contained in a series of emails that the campaign deleted out of force of habit.

This week the Census Bureau announced that the US median income grew 5.2% to $56,516 in 2015, the first annual gain since 2007. It also announced that middle class income grew faster than at any time in modern history. Jeez, thanks Obama.

Wait, what?

The latest internet conspiracy theory claims that Hillary Clinton is using a body double while campaigning. The conspiracy has even spawned its own hashtag – #HillarysBodyDouble, which narrowly beat out the second choice – #BillsWorstNightmare.

This week Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked “What is Aleppo?” during a TV interview about foreign policy, prompting many voters to speculate exactly when George W Bush signed on as his foreign policy advisor.

This week a patent application was published that shows Walmart is planning to introduce self-driving shopping carts to its stores. So honey, it’s totally not my fault that the cart was filled with Double Stuff Oreos. The cart did that all by itself.

A new study shows that exercise may offset some of the negative health effects of alcohol. Hmmmm. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working out for the next seven months straight, just to be safe.

And finally, this week the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a recall of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones because there’s a danger they can catch fire. And not because there’s a danger that you can read Happy Friday on one, though that was also a consideration in their decision.

“Honey, have you seen my phone?” “I think you left it in the car…”

This Saturday marks the third annual Batman Day, a day that exists, I guess, to get you to drop a few bucks on a Batman comic. Or maybe to watch a Batman movie or cartoon. I’m actually not sure what this whole day is about. Maybe the way to understand it is to go right to the source, which you can do when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Batman Plans to Celebrate Batman Day:

10. Check LinkedIn for response to ad for new sidekick
9. Swing by Gotham jail at 9:30 to update “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign to “1”
8. Leave another bad review for Batman v Superman on Rotten Tomatoes
7. Investigate rumors that the Joker changed his name to Trump
6. Finish “Ten Things Fox’s Gotham Gets Wrong” article for BuzzFeed
5. Visit Chief O’Hara at the Old Stereotype’s Home
4. Swing by Gotham jail at 2:30 to reset “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign back to “0”
3. Late lunch with Aquaman at Red Lobster
2. Call agent to find out if it’s not too late to swap out Affleck for Damon in the next movie
1. Finally get “Batman smells” removed from that Jingle Bells song

Holy Prozac, Batman! Are you off your meds again?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, catch the wave, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes, set that DVR for all the new fall shows before they’re cancelled, roast some marshmallows over your Galaxy Note 7, avoid the Noid, get off of my lawn, keep your certificate valid, leave your meat cleaver at home and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “still trying to figure out how I didn’t get to be the candidate for the Green Party” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 9, 2016 8:50 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Have a Coke and a…wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me, Walmart?!?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

“Trump’s Grrrrrrrreat! Goddammit, that’s not even my catchphrase. Morey, did the check clear? Did that check from Trump’s people clear yet?!?

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

It’s alive! Alive!!!

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

“He could. Go. All. The. Way!”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 2, 2016 8:44 am

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s longer and more satisfying than anything Anthony Weiner texted you last month.

And speaking of which, this week Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin announced that she was separating from her husband, Anthony Weiner, after the New York Post reported new sexting allegations against him. She said the couple will share custody of their son, but all of Weiner’s dick pics will remain in his custody. His and the approximately 300 women with whom he’s currently sharing them.

According to Arizona officials, Russian hackers breached a computer used by county election officials. The state officials were tipped off to the breach when the newest polls showed that Ivan McCainovich had a commanding lead in this week’s primary.

Former Alaska governor and perennial punchline Sarah Palin fell last week and suffered a head injury. Unfortunately for her, the fall was not hard enough to induce a state of amnesia so she’ll be forced to continue to remember everything she’s ever said in every interview she’s given over the last eight years.

At first I thought this was a cast photo from The Expendables 4

The scientific community was rocked this week when reports of a potential radio signal coming from space was leaked to the media. The SETI community immediately called for all radio telescopes to be pointed toward HD 164595 to see if there’s anything more to the message besides the single word “Khaaaaaaaaaaan!”

An EU ruling said this week that Ireland must collect up to $14.6 billion in unpaid taxes from Apple. And in other tech news, Apple announced a September 7 unveiling of its new phones and computers and expects to be able to pay off this debt by lunchtime.

A SpaceX rocket was destroyed this week after it blew up on the launchpad during a prelaunch check. The rocket was carrying a satellite owned by Facebook, which means that the latest Facebook project, something they call a “Death Star,” is going to be a little behind schedule.

This news does means that Mark Zuckerberg is all of a sudden reconsidering his aversion to a Facebook “Dislike” button.

Florida Senator and former Presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary this week in his quest for reelection. When asked, Rubio said he couldn’t promise that he will serve his full 6-year term if he wins this November. And that’s fair, because a lot can happen in six years and no one can say what might change in the future. In fact, the only thing Rubio could promise is that he’ll definitely lose one more run for the White House before he retires. Maybe two. He’s young enough.

Brock Turner, the 22-year-old student who was convicted of sexual assault but sentenced to only six months, was set free this week after serving only three months of his sentence. Turner’s lenient treatment sparked outrage across the country, and this short time just served to make matters worse. The only silver lining in this whole story is that the justice system will have another chance to get it right after Turner’s second rape. And we all know there’s gonna be one. And maybe he can dedicate that one to Judge Aaron Persky, who let him off so easy the first time around.

This week Donald Trump went to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino. Trump was scheduled to stay overnight, but he said none of the food there was half as good as the taco salad in Trump Tower, so he had to go home.

After the meeting Trump said he didn’t talk with Pena Nino about how Mexico is supposed to be paying for the wall he wants to build. Apparently he was too busy keeping an eye out for any of the Mexican rapists and murderers Mexico hadn’t already sent into this country to start that conversation.

Artist’s rendition of progress made on Trump’s border wall after this week’s Mexico visit

This week ABC announced the cast of the new season of Dancing With the Stars, and one of this year’s contestants is former Presidential candidate Rick Perry. Perry must think that if being on a reality show worked for Trump, it would work for him too. And ABC must just really need those three viewers that Perry’s likely to bring in.

Dancing With the Stars wasn’t Perry’s first choice, actually. Initially he wanted to be on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? But he wasn’t.

This week an Indian Minister recommended that foreign women not wear skirts when visiting the country. Which, oddly enough, is pretty close to a rule Hillary plans to have for any women visiting the White House while Bill’s around.

“Think I can sell this on eBay? I’ve got 4 weeks of salary to make up somehow.”

Singapore released thousands of mosquitos carrying bacteria to combat dengue fever. “The biggest drawback,” said an infectious disease expert, “is we don’t really know what’s going to happen.” And then the opening credits rolled for this latest SyFy original movie we’re all living in.

A US court ruled that grocery chain Trader Joe’s could proceed with a lawsuit against a Canadian store called Pirate Joe’s, which resold Trader Joe’s merchandise. But in Pirate Joe’s defense, the business plan is right up there in the name, and they should at least get some credit for that.

I mean, it’s not like Burger King has the balls to change its name to Tonight’s Stomach Cramps, right?

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino was found this week to have plagiarized his undergraduate thesis. Which solves the mystery of what he and Melania Trump could talk about when Donald had to step out of the room.

A family in Turkey got food poisoning at a dinner they organized to celebrate their recovery from food poisoning.They blame both instances on the pure dreaminess of the Dollar Menu.

A new study found that ramen noodles have replaced cigarettes as the most popular form of currency in US prisons. And just like that, your creepy college roommate is a prison millionaire.

A dog named Duke was elected mayor of a town in Minnesota for the third time this week. This despite the circulation of numerous photos of the mayor licking himself in public. And in a related story, Anthony Weiner announced he’s moving to Minnesota.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve recently discovered the oldest fossils ever found. The fossils, an advertisement for Larry King Live, are sure to open up a new view of humanity’s history on Earth.

“T-Rex, you’re on the air!”

The discovery of a 10-foot snakeskin in Westbrook, Maine, had local authorities worried that there was a large python in their midst – especially after a large snake was spotted eating a beaver by a lake this summer. However, a Texas scientist analyzed the snakeskin and discovered that it’s most likely not from a python but from an anaconda. So sleep easy, Westbrook. You don’t have a killer python in town. It’s just a killer anaconda. At which point Stephen King was like, “Wait, wait, wait, let me get this all down. A killer what?”

In sports news, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo fractured a bone in his back and will be out for 6–10 weeks. And worst of all for Romo, after this announcement oddsmakers gave the Cowboys a 10% better chance of making it to the Super Bowl this season.

The biggest headline in all this is that Tony Romo actually does have a backbone. Who knew?

And finally, according to a recent Fox News poll, more than half of US voters say the country is less safe than before 9/11. And in a completely unrelated story, Fox News just celebrated 15 years as the most popular cable news network in the country.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, the unofficial end of the summer for most people. I’m not sure how it works everywhere, but the end of summer is surprisingly easy to spot here in NYC, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer in NYC is over:

10. Coffee some jackass spills on you in the subway has fresh pumpkin scent

9. Mayor DiBlasio starts trying to pass off Penn Station homeless people as Halloween scarecrows

8. New York Jets get serious about coming up with an excuse for this year’s missed opportunities

7. Chance you’re going to see a back page headline about hockey increases by .06%

6. Only women left wandering the streets barely clothed are probably crazy

5. Annoying coworker stops boring you with stories about his beach house, starts boring you with stories about his fantasy football team

4. Line at Shake Shack is three blocks long (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things That Are True No Matter What Season It Is)

3. Subway rats start prepping for steady diet of candy corn and circus peanuts

2. New York Mets initiate latest plan to avoid winning a World Series Title

1. Mayor DiBlasio stops taking bribes for good parking spots at Coney Island, starts taking bribes for good seats at the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time. Unless you have something better to do. Literally anything better at all. Until then, enjoy that last weekend of preseason football like you’re never gonna see half these players again, because you’re not unless you happen to show up at Lowe’s during their second shift, see if you can guess which minority group Trump’s gonna piss off next, run out and buy a tube of that new KFC sunscreen before it sells out or gets recalled, whichever comes first, check your spam folder to see if maybe you too ever received a classified email from Hillary Clinton, start cruising the local McDonalds to see if they’re bringing back the McRib this year, don’t pick Tom Brady for your week 1 fantasy team, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “a little voice Inside my head said, ‘Don’t look back. You can never look back’” green