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By Tgreen, September 29, 2010 10:51 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Wednesday, the blog post that would consider wishing you a Happy Hump Day, but it isn’t sure if it likes you in that way.

This week New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg had removed from the classroom a teacher who previously worked as a hooker. This makes no sense in these difficult economic times. You have someone who could teach Economics and Sex Ed and you want to fire her?

Jersey Shore cast member Snooki announced this week that she’ll be writing a book to be released in 2011. Which means she’ll have written one more book than she’s read, and that seems wrong.

In Canadian news, CBC announced that it will be broadcasting a hockey game in 3D this season. And if they had television in Canada, this would be a very big deal.

California’s first execution attempt in 5 years had to be cancelled due to a shortage of lethal injection drugs. Which makes you wonder, if they haven’t even tried to execute anyone in 5 years, how did they manage to run out of lethal injection drugs?

Actor Tony Danza is teaching English in a Philadelphia high school as part of a new reality show. I’d suggest that instead of English they at least have Danza teach a subject he actually passed in high school, but I think I already see what direction that takes us in.

My only guess is he’s teaching English the way he uses it — as a second language.

So, Tony Danza’s teaching and Snooki’s writing. This is what happens when an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters kill themselves in protest over what’s happening to out language.

In testimony offered by seven former U.S. Air Force pilots this week, it was revealed that they had seen UFOs descend on nuclear missile locations and interfere with the operation of these missiles. The pilots said they believe this means the aliens are trying to tell us to get rid of all nuclear weapons. This could be the correct interpretation, of course, but isn’t it also possible that the aliens were enticed here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

In an interview in the latest Rolling Stone, President Obama suggests that Democrats need to “buck up,” something that would probably be a lot easier if the previous 10 years had left anyone with a buck to do something with.

On October 3rd, Germany will make its final reparations payment for World War I, which means maybe you shouldn’t give up on getting that 20 bucks back from your deadbeat college roommate just yet.

The IRS said this week it will no longer be mailing out tax forms. It’s about time they took the hint. I wasn’t sending them back, so there was no reason to keep sending them to me except to make me feel bad.

In case you haven’t heard, New York City is slowly but surely being taken over by bedbugs. Besides being creepy and disgusting, these bugs are annoyingly hard to get rid of. You all remember the old saying, “Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” but are you aware of the other ways besides biting that bedbugs can annoy you? If not, you will after you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways Bedbugs Are Annoying:
10. Cut the line at the bus stop
9. Take the last jelly donut and leave you with the one with the coconut flakes on it
8. Constantly spoil the cliffhanger ending to last week’s Gossip Girl
7. Chew their Grape Nuts with their mouths open
6. Tell your girlfriend about that woman who was flirting with you at the office
5. Root for the Philadelphia Eagles
4. Mock you for your naive provincialism while enjoying a Jerry Lewis movie (oh, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Ways The French Are Annoying)
3. ignore your numerous friend requests on Facebook
2. Won’t share their cheese fries at lunch
1. Insist on using the theme song from Small Wonder as their ring tone

And that’s all the time we have for this time. Join us tomorrow for Happy Thursday, which I was going to call “Must See Happy Thursday” except for threatened lawsuit from NNC and the potential violation of the Truth in Advertising laws.

T “breakfast bowl” green

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By Tgreen, September 28, 2010 12:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Tuesday, the blog post that follows Happy Monday like the punchline follows the setup. Though I realize by using such technical comedy terms, I may be setting the bar way too high for today’s festivities. There’s only one way to find out…

This week the NFL announced that it’s almost a certainty that the NFL season will be expanding to 18 weeks. And in related news, this week your coworkers announced that it’s almost a certainty that the last thing they need is 2 more weeks of you running your mouth about your damn Fantasy Football team.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced it’s newest slate of nominees this week. Included on the list is rock group Bon Jovi, prompting the Devil to fire off an email to lead singer Jon Bon Jovi that simply said, “You’re welcome.”

Also on the list for the first time is Neil Diamond. It took him this long to make the list? You can’t be eligible until you’ve been around for at least 25 years, and Neil Diamond’s been around way longer than that. Were they waiting to honor him for The Jazz Singer? Or maybe this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

This week The Hollywood Reporter, er, reported that the Star Wars saga might hit theaters in 3D starting in 2012. The series will start, of course, with The Phantom Menace, and the only concern in being able to get things started on time is that no one’s sure if there’s enough computer power on the planet to add the 2 dimensions needed to bump The Phantom Menace up to 3.

A new study shows that out of 33 industrialized nations, the United States has the highest rate of obesity. And the tastiest deserts. In your face, rest of the industrialized world!

In entertainment news, Lindsey Lohan is back in rehab, though rehab says it really just wants to be friends this time around and doesn’t plan on taking the relationship any further in order to avoid the inevitable heartbreak.

A German company plans to bring gold-dispensing ATMs to the United States. The machines will accept credit cards, and can dispense 1 gram, 5 gram, 10 gram and 1 ounce units, as well as gold coins. The machines are surprisingly easy to use, but I can assure you if you’re reading this site, you’ll never be able to afford to find out for yourself.

Police in Texas found incriminating text messages sent from a bank teller to the person who robbed his bank right before the robbery occurred. I’d tell you more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the Law & Order: Criminal Intent episode no doubt ripping this story from the headlines as I type.

The Emergency Bra, an undergarment that can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the wearer and one for some needy bystander in the event of an emergency, was made available this week. The bra’s inventor is hoping this one sells better than her last safety device, the Emergency Jockstrap.

A new study shows that bans on texting while driving don’t actually prevent accidents. The silver lining? Texting while driving is an effective way to help clear some dead wood from the gene pool. You’ve just gotta think long term on this one, people.

This week orders for the new AppleTV began shipping to customers around the world. For 99 bucks, the AppleTV lets you stream media from your computer to your TV, and also let’s you rent movies and TV shows right from the box. But there are people out there who aren’t satisfied with this. They want more bang for their buck, and won’t buy an AppleTV until they get it. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Everyone Happy:
10. Popcorn popper attachment
9. All episodes of BJ and the Bear available for immediate rental (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Features The AppleTV Needs To Make Tgreen Happy)
8. Side order of bacon
7. Button to drop tap-dancing midget into every movie when things slow down
6. Letter from Steve Jobs inviting you to drop by for scones the next time you’re in his neighborhood
5. Creamy caramel center
4. Ability to never download a movie that’s in color, features rock music, or expresses a positive opinion on any event that happened after 1954
3. Express checkout for all Katherine Heigl movies
2. Detailed reviews explaining when, to what degree, and the duration of any nudity might occur in the movie you plan to rent
1. Discount rate on any movie or show that features a cast member from According to Jim

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for Happy Wednesday, which will look a lot like what you saw today, but with more references to “Hump Day”.

T “this seemed like a good idea at the time” green

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By Tgreen, September 27, 2010 11:27 pm

Hello everyone and welcome to Happy Monday, which is basically the same thing as Happy Friday, just 3 days late. Or 4 days early, if you’re an optimist. But honestly, if you’re an optimist are you even clicking a link to one of these? Unless one must be an optimist to even consider coming here. Hmmm, a philosophical conundrum to be considered at a later date. For now…

This week an old video clip of masturbation-hating, witchcraft-dabbling Republican candidate for Senator Christine O’Donnell featured the Delaware Congressional hopeful saying that evolution is a myth. She then asked why, if evolution were real, monkeys weren’t still evolving. Now that’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask, if you first take a spork and scoop out large portions of your brain, but instead of asking why this hasn’t happened yet, O’Donnell should’ve just thanked her lucky stars that it isn’t happening that way, because we’ve all seen what will happen if monkeys continue to evolve:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb4eZ7Z5yk8

In education news, this week President Obama announced he wants to extend the school year. Because apparently a recent poll showed that grammar school children was the lone demographic that gave him an approval rating over 30% and this was the only thing he could think of that would get them in line with everyone else.

In Worst Product Endorsement Ever news, the owner of the Segway company in England died this week after driving his Segway off a cliff. I’m guessing this means no holiday party?

A new Department of Justice investigation shows that cheating was rampant on the FBI’s domestic spying test. Agents were able to pass the 51 question test by copying from a fellow agent, bringing the answers into the testing room, or exploiting a computer glitch that revealed the test answers. All useful skills should the next domestic spying case need to be broken in an 11th grade midterm.

Bishop Eddie Long of Georgia this week was accused of having sex with several young men in his congregation. These men of the cloth all claim that they hear a calling to do God’s work, and more and more I think the voice that’s calling them must sound like a Jonas brother.

In world news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il promoted his son Kim Jong-un to the rank of general in anticipation of making his son his successor. Jong-un was chosen for the job because of his intelligence, temperament, and because he rocks the olive drab jumpsuit and sunglasses combo.

This week the UN denied that it was about to name an ambassador in charge of first contact with alien life. And really, can you blame them…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

The producers of Sesame Street cancelled an appearance by entertainer Katy Perry (I just can’t bring myself to refer to her as “singer” after seeing her on Saturday Night Live) after a video of her singing with Elmo that was posted on YouTube brought down a hail of complaints from parents. The producers didn’t say why exactly they cancelled the appearance, just that they had two reasons. Two big, soft, pillowy reasons.

Last week the UN General Assembly met in New York, tying up traffic for miles. At the time, I complained on Twitter that next summer I was going to go to all the countries in the UN and tie up traffic for them. Since then, I took a look at my budget and realized that I would not, in fact, be able to afford such a large undertaking. So instead I looked into what I can afford to do, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Affordable International Protests:
10. Go to Little Italy and ask for directions to nearest Olive Garden
9. Replace all Spanish language subway signs with English ones
8. Leave a small tip at the IHOP
7. Disrupt game of Chinese Checkers
6. Give away ending to every movie at Godzilla marathon
5. Go to Irish pub and ask for English muffin
4. Start rigged game of Russian Roulette in Coney Island
3. Blast Blame Canada at the Tim Horton’s on 33rd St
2. Overturn Risk board before your opponent can win
1. Rent every copy of Crocodile Dundee from Netflix to deny the rest of the country the opportunity to enjoy Paul Hogan’s lighthearted antics

And that’s all we have time for today. Join us in way less time than is really advisable for Happy Tuesday!

T “me and my shadow” green

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By Tgreen, September 12, 2010 8:08 am

Summer’s over and the football season is upon us. Sorry, Cleveland, but you knew it was coming. Now, the teams might be ready to play, but are you ready to watch? In case your summer left you unsure, you can figure it out by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Ready For Some Football:
10. Had three erotic dreams about Terry Bradshaw last week
9. Wasted entire summer following the New York Mets
8. Blood/Nacho Cheese Sauce ratio finally shifted back in favor of “blood”
7. Sacked the guy at the coffee stand twice on Friday
6. Bought the new Madden game, already wore out the disc
5. Started charging a seat licensing fee for that brother-in-law who always hangs out at your house
4. Seriously considered getting your team colors tattooed on your face to save time
3. Slapped every coworker on the ass after every staff meeting since May
2. Changed your newborn’s diaper and almost spiked him
1. Restraining order Rex Ryan got against you is finally about to expire

Now hit that couch and watch some football!