I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s starting to wonder if maybe somehow this whole election thing has gone just a little bit off the rails.

The first sign of this came an hour and a half before the second Presidential Debate, when Republican candidate Donald Trump held a surprise Facebook panel with women who have accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. And grabbed each one of them by the pussy.

This week Samsung suspended production of the Galaxy Note 7 after reports that replacement models for phones that had caught on fire also were catching on fire. But in Samsung’s defense, the replacement fires were smaller than the original fires, so at least they were making progress.

In a related story, Samsung announced its new product line, the Samsung Galaxy Hand Warmer, coming to a store near you this holiday season.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus this week held an emergency call to declare that the party remains firmly behind Donald Trump. No word on if it’s behind him in a normal way, or the super-creepy way he stood behind Hillary Clinton at this week’s debate.

A new study shows that working over 25 hours per week after age 40 can lead to a decline in cognition. And apparently an increase in desire to write shitty Top Ten Lists.

This week Billy Bush was fired from the Today Show because of his appearance in Donald Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” video, thus inadvertently proving that the standards for hosting the 3rd hour of a network morning show are higher than for being the GOP nominee.

This week Donald Trump told his supporters to be sure to go out and vote on November 28. Which suggests he’s given up on being President and is now aiming to win this season of Dancing With the Stars.

The date mixup is all the proof you need that Trump’s not a career politician. The phrase is supposed to be “vote early and often,” not “vote 20 days too late.” Amateur.

Hillary’s from Chicago. I can guarantee you she knows all about how that works.

Oscar Mayer announced this week that it’s recalling some Lunchables due to allergen concerns. In a statement, Oscar Mayer said that anyone with food allergies would be completely safe, though, for “obvious reasons.”

This week Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated 15 happy years of marriage on the occasion of their 41st wedding anniversary.

This week’s debate was the first to ever appear on Iranian television. As advertisements for democracy go, it probably didn’t make the sale.

Excerpts from some of Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Wall Street execs were released by Wikileaks this week. Among them was a comment that politicians need to have “both a public and a private position.” She claimed that this was merely a comment on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. No word yet on what she meant when she said, “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”

Wow, after almost 21 years, a joke so nerdy even I wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t written it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 64 this week and was given 450 birthday roses from his Parliament. And 300 new Hillary Clinton emails from Wikileaks.

This week singer/songwriter Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is cool and all, but it’s not nearly as prestigious as Jon Bon Jovi’s Nobel Prize in Getting Played A Lot On NJ Radio.

At a speech in Florida this week Donald Trump told supporters he was an “existential threat” to the political establishment. The rally was then halted for an hour as Trump struggled to find a term for “existential” that his supporters could understand.

This week Starbucks introduced a new drink that’s a mix of beer and espresso. Toss on in a cigarette and you could call this drink “Tgreen about five hours into any wedding in the early-to-mid–90s.”

And finally, this week Hillary Clinton was forced to answer under oath 25 questions about her private email system. She responded “do not recall” 20 times. It’s even worse than it sounds, though, because by question 23 she said that she no longer recalled questions 1 through 4.

Moral Question Department:

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you go to the movies or go home to watch Netflix?

A lot of people in the Northeast woke up this week to temperatures in the low 40s, which is as sure a sign as any that we’re not in summer anymore, Toto.

But some people need more than one sign, which is what I’m here for, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer Is Over:

10. When you go outside in shorts your legs are red from frostbite and not from sunburn

9. Burgers on the grill need to be examined closely for falling leaves

8. Slowly-decaying orange thing might be pumpkin and not Trump’s chance for getting elected

7. Loud neighbor stops annoying you with fantasy baseball talk and starts annoying you with fantasy football talk

6. Sports Illustrated includes hockey story somewhere around page 46

5. NJTransit issues last heat-related delay announcement of the year

4. Back-to-school commercials suddenly replaced by Halloween commercials

3. Favorite new show cancelled after three episodes

2. Start to see trailers for movies that don’t feature superheroes or star people you only know from Comedy Central

1. Landlord stops lying to you about why the A/C doesn’t work, starts lying to you about why the heat doesn’t work

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, buy your Doctor Strange tickets, root for Tony Romo’s speedy recovery so the Cowboys can suck again, watch some hockey, get ready for that third debate, be Presidential and grab someone by the pussy, run out and cut left, stay up all night thinking about 5 ways these campaigns could get even worse, be nice to your autocorrect, give it a rest, be kind, rewind and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Happy Friday” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for the same four jokes since 1995.

This week a car full of subway commuters was trapped without air conditioning for 30 minutes after a woman released a box of live roaches and crickets on the train. Fortunately, the MTA was able to leap into action because it already has a name for exactly this situation. It’s called Wednesday.

This week Speedo dropped its sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte in the wake of his false story about what happened to him in Rio. A Speedo spokesperson said they had no choice but to drop Lochte, because “there’s no room for a lie in a Speedo. Seriously, have you seen one of these things? There’s literally no room for anything in there, much less a lie.”

Brazilian authorities have ordered Lochte to return to Rio to face charges for making a false police report, which means he’s now facing a choice between possible jail time in Rio or a season on Dancing With the Stars. It’s a harder choice than you might think.

Former Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman announced this week that she’s advising Republican candidate Donald Trump on foreign policy. Bachman said she foresees no problem with this new job despite the fact that her knowledge of foreign policy mainly comes from a Star Trek-branded copy of Risk she picked up on the cheap at a yard sale.

We also learned this week that a 12-year-old boy is running the Trump campaign’s ground operation in Colorado. Around the campaign he’s known as the overqualified one.

Louisiana lawmakers Steve Scalise, Bill Cassidy and John Fleming, who voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for Superstorm Sandy victims, signed a letter to President Obama this week asking for a disaster declaration for their state after last week’s historic floods. They figure it will be pretty easy to get emergency funds because they don’t have to worry about any assholes from Louisiana voting against them.

Police in Western New York are looking for a man dressed in a Batman mask and Captain America  costume who stole two 18-packs of beer. And in related news, Tony Stark has apparently fallen off the wagon again.

This week the FBI revealed that 15,000 more emails that Hillary Clinton didn’t hand over to investigators will be released in October. Since more than half of them involve correspondence with a prince from Nigeria asking for money, they’re obviously related to her State Department work.

This week the price of an EpiPen spiked from about $100 to more than $600. Mylan, the manufacturer, blamed the price hike on changes in insurance, but after it was revealed that their CEO gave herself a $18-million raise last year, the company announced that it would offer discounts to customers. Which is better than their original plan — a smaller EpiPen filled with a sedative to ease the shock of the price increase on the regular EpiPen.

This week NASA announced that it had found a spacecraft that was lost in space for two years. They were able to find it when their radios began picking up a broadcast that kept repeating “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Associated Press, more than half of those who met with Hillary Clinton as a Cabinet Secretary gave money to the Clinton Foundation. A Clinton Foundation spokesperson said that this was entirely unacceptable and someone was going to be fired over it, because the original deal was supposed to be for no less than 90%.

Campaign documents show that the Trump campaign paid $356 to the speechwriter who wrote Melania Trump’s RNC speech. Which means that after Michelle Obama gets her cut, the speechwriter isn’t taking home very much at all.

A new study revealed that working less might make people more productive. And in related news, it appears I’ve worked with some of the most productive people in the world.

This week former new York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani told people who want to find out the truth about Hillary Clinton’s health to Google it. And let me tell you, this is a very efficient method because after you’re done looking up Hillary’s health you can catch up on the latest Bigfoot sightings.

Just be sure not to Google “Donald Trump rape”, though, because of all the information you can find with Google, I doubt Rudy wants you to read about that.

I have to say, Rudy was a lot less prone to falling for conspiracy theories back when he still had the combover. Did he keep some tinfoil tucked under that thing?

In response to recent stories that former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden was once again doing cocaine, the New York Yankees offered to pay for his rehab if he would only get help for himself. The Mets wanted to help too, but they told Dwight he’d have to see if Bobby Bonilla had any spare cash to give him.

Scientists announced this week that they may have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own. And in related news, Donald Trump announced he’s gonna need a taller wall.

They say the planet is “Earth-like”. Does that mean the people who live there are hell-bent on destroying the place and each other? Or does it mean something different to scientists?

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific flight was granted 1 million air miles in honor of the birth. No free WiFi, First Class upgrade or extra carryon bag, though. You have to be triplets or better to score that kind of swag.

And finally, this week McDonalds removed a device that tracked physical activity from its Happy Meals. Not because this was an invasion of privacy or anything like that. No, it was just that after three weeks, they hadn’t tracked any activity.

If you’ve gone anywhere near a movie theater lately, you’ve no doubt seen that superhero movies are the big thing. This summer we had Batman v Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad, with Doctor Strange following this fall and dozens more on the schedule for the next 10 years or so. All this might make you think that the comic book industry is booming, but that’s not what’s happening at all. No, the comic book industry is in dire straits thanks to an aging fan base that has squeezed out the children who used to be the primary customers. Things have gotten so bad that publishers are being forced to update many of their classic titles in order to give this audience a more relatable reading experience, as you’ll see when you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Comic Books Designed to Appeal to an Aging Fan Base:

10. Ol’ Archie

9. Silver Scooter

8. Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager

7. The Elongated Prostate

6. The Fantastic Four Hours of Seep Before Having to Get Up to Pee

5. The Uncanny Ex-Wives

4. Plastic Surgeon

3. The Really-Really-Really-Post-Teen Titans

2. Crazy Cat Woman

1. Assisted Suicide Squad

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time for the same jokes, just in a slightly different order. Until then, keep it out of the tall grass, don’t fall, if you must fall at least be sure Molly says something funny after you do it, play your cards right, don’t install anything fishy on your phone, keep your ice in your cup and not in the street, stay out of Rio jail, don’t feed anyone after midnight, admit that you would totally buy an issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager, start your wagering about whether or not I can keep this thing going until Election Day and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “All-new, All-Different” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, the official sign that your week is completely unsalvageable.

This week Kid Rock gave his endorsement to Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. This is a big deal, because Kid Rock is not known for giving too many things. In fact, the last time Kid Rock gave anyone anything was that time he gave some groupie gonorrhea.

After making an announcement earlier this week, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez plays his last game Friday night at Yankee Stadium. When asked why he played for another week after deciding to retire, he said he’d lost his receipt and would not be able to return his last bottle of steroids so he figured he’d at least try to get some use out of them.

Traffic on the BQE was stopped this week when a tractor trailer carrying Budweiser flipped over and spilled beer everywhere, which coincidentally is also the climactic scene in my spec script for Smokey and the Bandit 4.

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow announced this week that he wants to pursue a career as a baseball player and will be working out with all Major League Baseball teams. And if this career falls through, he’ll be looking into what it takes to be an astronaut or a cowboy or a pirate or an army man.

A new study claims that book readers live longer than people who don’t read books. Happy Friday readers, on the other hand, often find themselves craving the sweet release of death somewhere around item 6 of the Top List.

In other science news, new research suggests that being lazy is a sign of high intelligence. At least that’s what the article’s headline said. I didn’t bother to actually click through and read the whole thing.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in a body of water in Broward County, Florida this week. Fortunately, since this is Florida we’re talking about, 80% of the population is immune.

This week marked the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first website went online. Which means that next week marks the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first porn website went online.

This week Donald Trump said he wants to debate pretty badly. And he probably will.

But really, Trump said he’ll debate, but only if some of his conditions are met. First, all moderators must be from an approved list of people whose last name is Trump. Second, no questions that are not about how great he is. And third — and this one might be the deal breaker right here — no Hillary.

A former aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the governor lied about his knowledge of his administration’s involvement in the George Washington Bridge lane closures. Her proof that Christie was lying? The governor’s lips were moving and there wasn’t a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity.

Christie quickly responded to the accusation with a forceful denial. Said Christie, “You better believe there was a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity, and I’ll punch any man who says otherwise.”

 
The water in two pools at the Summer Games in Rio turned green this week, and no one has been able to figure out why. They also can’t figure out why the water suddenly tastes like Lime Kool-Aid.

This week Donald Trump said that President Obama founded the terrorist organization ISIS. And he didn’t even use it to target poor and gullible Americans to max out their credit cards to register, proving that the President doesn’t know a damn thing about the business world.

Newly-released emails show that there was lots of overlap between Hillary Clinton’s State Department and her work for the Clinton Foundation. Which means that if anyone ever called her an Amazon, they didn’t mean she was a strong fighter. They meant she was the place to go for the best deals in one-stop shopping.

Two parents were arrested this week for trying to smuggle 7 lbs of methamphetamine from Mexico to the US. The would have gotten away with it, too, but officials grew suspicious of the baby’s “Lil’ Heisenberg” onesie.

Police in Toronto responded to reports of an armed man who turned out to be a cardboard cutout of the Terminator. It took the Toronto officers 3 hours to subdue the cutout.

This week a California company announced that it built the world’s largest dildo, which is currently running 14 points behind Hillary Clinton in the latest polls.

A 23-year-old Michigan man drowned this week in a vat of molasses. Slowly.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this week bought his 3rd home, a lake house that cost $600K. At least now we know how much it cost to get him to walk away from the campaign quietly.

A man attempted to scale Trump Tower this week, prompting several newspaper editorials that wondered if he was a threat or a menace. And also prompting Trump to take a closer look at the materials he plans to use when he builds his wall.

And finally, a judge ordered online host Glenn Beck to reveal the identities of two sources who told him that a Saudi Arabian student provided the money behind the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. And even worse for Beck, the judge said that he can’t claim “the voices in my head” for both of them.

Little Known Fact Department: In the original draft of the bible, on the 7th day God built a Death Star. This was edited out because worshippers did not find it very comforting.

There’s a Groupon out there for 42% off admission to a hatchet-throwing place in New Jersey. And if you do it wrong, you can actually end up getting a lot more than 42% off.

As the Olympics come along every 4 years, so do complaints about NBC’s coverage of the games. The main complaint, of course, is that NBC shows too many of the big events on tape delay. We all know why they do it — because someone’s gotta watch those McDonalds commercials that pay for this thing — but still, you have to admit that sometimes NBC goes too far. I mean, Wednesday night they finally played the Men’s 400M Butterfly semifinals from 1996.

Yes, the 1996 Olympics, also known as the Olympics where an 11-year-old Michael Phelps only won 10 gold medals.

It was revealed this week that former Fox News boss Roger Ailes used to hire private investigators to spy on potential rivals, even going so far as to set them up on dates in order to make the spying easier. He did this for years. Is it possible that you were ever considered to be one of those rivals? Did Roger Ailes pull a fast one on you? You’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Know You Dated A Roger Ailes Spy:
10. He kept asking you to come to bed so he could introduce you to Rupert

9. Her Goodreads bookshelf included every book ever written by Bill O’Reilly

8. Every time he made a dinner reservation he made it for “the party of Lincoln”

7. She referred to her genitalia as the “Great Communicator”

6. He couldn’t sleep unless he was on the right side of the bed

5. She unconsciously flinched any time she walked past a picture of Jabba the Hutt

4. He always lost at Scrabble because he refused to use the letters M, S, N, B or C

3. She only ate at restaurants with glass tables that allowed her to show off her legs

2. He couldn’t get aroused until you whispered excerpts from Ronald Reagan’s 1981 Inauguration speech in his ear

1. She asked you to stick your O’Reilly into her Hannity

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not to lose a bundle wagering on Olympic Badminton, stay out of the heat, learn that poem, be sure to examine every frame of the latest Star Wars trailer to see if you can spot Jar-Jar’s cameo, put the medicine on the treat, don’t get caught looking for the Messiah while the Women’s Beach Volleyball is on, don’t ride the local, wonder if last night’s meteor shower was the closest some of your fellow commuters have come to a shower of any kind lately, watch out for over-enthusiastic 2nd Amendment, uh, voters and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “when are they gonna make mini-golf an Olympic event?” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your allegedly weekly dose of allegedly humorous content.

The 2016 Olympic Games start tonight in Rio, and athletes are complaining that there will be no Pokemon Go in the Olympic Village. Olympic officials say that the athletes will still be able to catch ‘me all, though, thanks to the 6,000 water-borne viruses lurking in the area.

As its census approaches, the Australian government is concerned that too many people are choosing “Jedi” as their religion. The issue is that having so many people so interested in Star Wars could be a harbinger of a huge population crash when none of them are able to find someone to reproduce with in their parents’ basement.

A veteran this week gave Donald Trump the Purple Heart award he earned in Vietnam, which suggests he earned the medal for a head injury of some sort.

A new CNN poll shows that 57% of voters are not satisfied with the choices in this year’s race. And the other 43% breaks down to 40% too busy binge-watching Stranger Things on Neflix to notice what’s happening, 2% in a coma, and 1% named Trump or Clinton.

This week President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday. Or whatever that is in Kenyan years.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 54% this week, which turned out to be a rare occurrence. The last time a President had an approval rating only one point lower than his birthday was when President George W. Bush turned 16.

This week Donald Trump’s ass got a little roomier when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dislodged himself from it long enough to say that the Muslim-American parents of a fallen US Captain have the right to say whatever they want about the Presidential candidate. He then grabbed himself a pork roll and cheese on a bagel and climbed back in for the duration.

Chris Christie also took some time to substitute for Boomer Esiason on WFAN’s Boomer and Carton show this Friday. Christie said he was happy to do the show but he was not auditioning for a post-Governor position. Mainly because radio hosts are rarely allowed to close down the George Washington Bridge to carry out a vendetta on an enemy, so the job holds no attraction to him.

This week a report cited 19 New Jersey beaches for being contaminated by bacteria. And in sports news, New Jersey just submitted a bid to host the 2032 Summer Olympics.

This week it was revealed that pallets of cash totaling $400 million were delivered to Iran at the same time that 4 American prisoners were released by the Iranian government. A White House spokesman called the timing of this delivery a coincidence. He added that when he said “coincidence,” he winked because he had some dust in his eye and not for any other reason so please don’t get the wrong idea.

Though if we did really send Iran money for prisoners, at least this time we got some people back for our money. And the President appeared to actually know that all of this happened. So that’s…progress?

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not ready to endorse Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary election. Afterwards a Trump campaign spokesman said the campaign does plan to work with Ryan even if Trump doesn’t offer an endorsement. House Speaker Ryan took one look at this week, though, and said, “thanks but no thanks.”

A restaurant where diners eat in the nude is rumored to be opening soon in France. It currently exists in the UK, but will be closing since it turns out that the UK does neither food nor nudity particularly well.

Plans for a similar restaurant in the US fell apart the instant that Burger King expressed an interest, however.

This week, when asked to comment on sexual harassment in light of Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, Donald Trump said that any woman who is sexually harassed in the workplace has the option to leave, and…This just in! Ivanka Trump has resigned from Trump International effective immediately.

This week Instagram introduced a new feature called Instagram Stories, which critics are complaining is essentially just Snapchat. An Instagram spokeswoman said the critics are completely wrong about this, and they will see how innovative Instagram really is when its new product, Instagram’s Book of Faces, rolls out this Fall.

By coincidence, Book of Faces is also the name of HBO’s top-secret sequel to Game of Thrones, which jumps ahead in time to show life in Westeros in the 21st Century.

This week Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager locked her in a room without a cell phone or access to email, telling her that her poll numbers can only drop if she’s allowed to communicate with anyone in any context.

Caitlyn Jenner said this week that she backs the Republican Party but does not “outwardly” support Donald Trump. She keeps that support hidden. Like her penis.

The US economy added 255,000 jobs last month, which was much higher than expected. This is not so surprising, since someone’s gotta put together all those anti-Hillary and anti-Donald memes.

A Georgia man was arrested this week for attacking his girlfriend after she made him a grilled cheese sandwich with 3 pieces of cheese and not 2. His girlfriend should consider herself lucky, though, since no one even knows exactly what happened to the man’s friend who made him a grilled cheese with wheat bread and not white last year.

Researchers in the UK have discovered an orangutan that mimics human conversation. And not only that, he can also trail Hillary Clinton by only 10 points in the latest polls.

President Obama commuted the sentences of 214 convicts this week. And in related news, this week 214 new conspiracy theories appeared on my Facebook feed.

The IOC announced some new sports for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. The new sports include Karate, Skateboard, Surfing and Sports Climbing. Left off the list? Beer Pong. Which means I’ll just have to keep sending letters.

This year the USA teams clothes came from Polo by Ralph Lauren. No word yet on who’s providing the hazmat suits.

A Florida woman shot herself in the hand while trying to take a Snapchat video of herself posing with a .40 caliber pistol. Maybe it’s time for one simple gun control rule that bans anyone from owning a gun with a caliber size larger than their IQ score.

And finally, in West Virginia this week, two dogs left in a running car in a Walmart parking lot put the car in gear, drove it into the store’s entrance and rolled down the window. This actually meant they were more productive that 70% of the population of West Virginia this week.

I got an email this week from something called the Microsoft Center of Excellence, which is about the only email sender that sounds even less legit than that Nigerian prince that keeps emailing me. Or the DNC, for that matter.

Remember, it’s all fun and games until we end up with President Kardashian.

This week the IOC banned 118 Russian athletes from competing due to concerns over the use of performance enhancing drugs. And in a related story, A-Rod just joined the Russian Olympic team.

Between the drug scandal and the polluted water and the infrastructure problems in Rio, people are worried that these 2016 Olympic Games are in danger of flying off the rails. And they may be right, because as bad as these problems are, there’s more trouble brewing, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Problems at the 2016 Olympics:

10. British team keeps voting to Brexit Rio 

9. Track and Field stadium composed largely of recycled email printouts donated by Hillary Clinton’s campaign

8. Official sponsor Coca Cola angry that its product keeps getting mistaken for local drinking water, which is actually two shades darker

7. Roiling pool of toxic human waste formed outside Olympic Village keeps promising to make Brazil great again6. Bob Costas

5. Former President Bill Clinton requested way too many front row tickets for the Women’s Beach Volleyball medal round

4. Men’s Synchronized Swimming not a sanctioned Olympic event for 9th consecutive Summer Olympics

3. Some local NBC affiliates still burning off promo ads for Joey from the 2004 Games

2. Due to clerical error, Sweden sent its curling team instead of its gymnastics team

1. Vladimir Putin keeps offering to participate in Equestrian events with no shirt on

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next Friday, wish Jack a happy birthday, don’t set the microwave on fire, try not to blow your savings account wagering on Synchronized Swimming, try to figure out who’s younger and more malnourished — the Chinese Women’s Gymnastic team or the laborers who made their uniforms, go see Suicide Squad and halfway through, stand up and shout, “where the hell is…uh…any character that remotely resembles anyone I’ve seen in a comic book any time in the last 30 years and why do they even make movies like this in the first place?!?”, keep it ‘tween the ditches, back away from the election memes, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “you say potato, I say fire!” green

Aaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody!

Just like day follows night (or night follows day depending on your perspective), just like jelly follows peanut butter, just like “who goes there?” follows “halt!”, just like Star Trek III follows Star Trek II, just like Mac follows Big or Pounder follows Quarter or McMuffin follows Egg, just like “oh fuck, not another one of these” follows “Happy Friday everybody!”, and even just like shitty reviews follow “starring Ben Affleck,” every four years the political convention of one party is followed by the the political convention of the other party.

And so inevitably, this week the Democrats held their national convention in Philadelphia. Historical note — the Democratic Party’s 1924 convention lasted for 16 days. This one only felt like it.

The stakes were high for nominee Hillary Clinton this week, but really her biggest win would be to skate through the whole week without being indicted for anything. In other words, this week was just like every other week.

Rival candidate Bernie Sanders in his speech assured his supporters that Hillary will break up the banks on Wall Street. At least, the ones that never paid her money. If there are any. Spoiler alert, there are not.

Not surprisingly, the most booed candidate at this year’s DNC was Donald Trump. Second most booed candidate? Hillary Clinton.

New polls from mid-week showed that the 2016 race has taken a turn. Apparently “poked in the eye with a sharp stick” is now leading “swallow a cup full of angry bees” by 7 points.

In the long run I think the Democrats will regret holding their convention in Philadelphia and not getting a speech from Nightman or Dayman. Rookie mistake there, Democrats.

There were some questionable music choices this week as well. At one point they used Love Train to introduce a speaker but that speaker was not Bill Clinton. Talk about missed opportunities.

And in another musical note, somehow the Democrats were able to get Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on the same page, but couldn’t do it for Simon and Garfunkel. A bridge over troubled waters indeed.

One of the week’s highlights was former President Bill Clinton’s speech. The man sure does know how to tell a story. When he opened with a tale about a woman he fell in love with back in 1971, I was on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t wait to find out who he was talking about, and what the hell it had to do with Hillary.

Bill Clinton’s speech ultimately covered the history of his relationship with Hillary (well, more or less…mostly less). No one told me it was going to unfold in real time, though.

This just in, Bill Clinton’s speech has just gotten up to 1987.

Former 2004 candidate Howard Dean also gave a speech this week. It was basically the classic rock tour of convention speeches. It got mild interest and polite applause until he did that damn scream at the end. It’s like his Freebird.

The Democrats spent much of the week trying to win over people who have been ripped off or insulted by Donald Trump, which makes sense because those are some very large groups. If they can get those groups and the group of women Bill cheated on Hillary with, this thing is a lock.

Even if they can just get the women Bill hooked up with while in the White House this is possibly an epic landslide.

According to Neilson, the ratings for the DNC were higher than the ratings for last week’s RNC. Clearly the American public prefers its politics to be deChachinated.

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly, in countering a line in Michelle Obama’s speech that said the White House was built by slaves, said that those slaves were well-fed and given comfortable beds. And he’s got his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s log books to prove it.

According to Yelp, three of the top search terms during the DNC were Vegan, Kosher, and Distilleries, which suggests that nobody could agree on what to eat but after the third round nobody cared.

Yelp said three of the top search terms at last week’s RNC were Hawaiian, Hot Dogs, and Gay Bars, which suggests a couple of planks from the GOP 2016 platform may not have made it out of Cleveland intact.

In a tense moment, Vice President Joe Biden had to be talked out of throwing his hat into the ring during his speech after taking a quick look at 2016’s shit show and realizing the opportunity he had missed.

Actress and convention attendee Susan Sarandon said she was having the worst time of her life at the DNC this week. Then party officials moved her out of Bill Clinton’s row.

Former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was five minutes late for his speech after stopping in the convention hall to smack a couple of 32-ounce sodas out of people’s hands.

As for Bloomberg’s speech itself, if there was ever a time to bust out his middle-school Spanish, it would have been while he was blasting Trump on immigration. Bloomberg knows how to say “Gringo es loco,” doesn’t he?

Bloomberg actually first asked to speak at the RNC but he failed the mandatory “Your Wallet Must Be This Small or Smaller to Speak on Donald’s Stage” test.

Vice President nominee Tim Kaine’s speech was thrown into disarray at the last minute when he realized Joe Biden had used the word “malarkey” already that evening and he would have to use the even less common “codswallop” instead.

In retrospect, Bernie Sanders spent most of the week looking like he was told he’d get his car back after Hillary was done speaking and not a moment before.

This just in, DNC staffers have finally woken up the last of the delegates who nodded off during Tim Kaine’s speech.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Obama actually referenced Republican icon Ronald Reagan more times than Donald Trump did. And even more surprising, he mentioned Kenya more times as well.

A previously-unknown Clinton scandal was revealed this week when Bill copped to watching all 7 of the Police Academy movies. Which is at least two more than anyone who worked on the movies ever watched.

While giving a speech at the convention the father of a deceased Muslim soldier offered Donald Trump his copy of the Constitution to read. But in all fairness, Trump has already tried to read the Constitution before. He just had to stop after skimming the first couple of sentences and not seeing his name anywhere.

Republican Senator Marco Rubio referred to the DNC as a disaster. And after seeing how well he executed his campaign, I am ready to accept him as an expert on the subject of disasters.

In a sign that he’s not convinced Trump will win in November, this week Paul Ryan added Hillary Clinton’s first impeachment hearing to his calendar for January 21, 2017.

This week’s speech by Hillary Clinton was historic. Not because she gave it as the first woman to accept the nomination from one of the two major parties, though that is historic by itself. No, this one was historic mainly because she charged a discounted rate of $100K to deliver it.

Bill Clinton almost missed his wife’s speech when he had to suddenly run off the convention floor to finish his application for the Katy Perry Fan Club.

You know, it’s 2016. A candidate for President of the United States should not have to mention in her acceptance speech that she believes in science. And yet, sometimes it’s really just that easy to distinguish yourself from your opponents.

As soon as Hillary Clinton said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” the Internet crashed under the weight of right wing tweeters crying “Plagiarism!” True story.

This just in, Bernie Sanders has announced that those damn kids need to get off his lawn now.

In her speech, Hillary said that Wall Street banks will start paying their fair share once she’s President. And if there’s anyone who knows how big a share the Wall Street banks can afford to pay, it’s Hillary Clinton.

So, despite the fact that the DNC got high ratings, that it managed to nominate Hillary Clinton before she got sent to jail for something, that Bernie Sanders offered an endorsement without requiring so much arm twisting that it left visible marks, or that Bill Clinton kept his hands to himself, there were still a few things the Democrats stumbled over, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Twelve Missed Opportunities at the 2016 DNC:
12. Didn’t settle Bernie vs Hillary feud on an episode of Lip Sync Battle

11. Didn’t hand out shots every time someone on Fox News said “Lewinsky”

10. Had no one on stage who could out-yell Trump or Giuliani

9. Failed to capitalize on Republican ire over Bradley Cooper’s appearance at the DNC by featuring other movie stars Republicans thought were on their side, like Darth Vader, Dracula or Mothra

8. Passed on appearance of Dukakis in a tank that could’ve reminded everyone the party has done worse

7. Were unable to get #Donaldisapoopyhead trending on Twitter

6. Couldn’t get Lin-Manuel Miranda on board for Hillary — An American Musical

5. Forgot to ban selfies of people standing next to Tim Kaine in the mistaken belief he was a lifeless statue

4. Cancelled previously scheduled primetime version of “Pin a Charge on Hillary”

3. Missed out on obvious Steve Guttenberg endorsement

2. Could not lock down whether or not Vince Foster’s original autopsy report was ever on Hillary’s email server

1. Couldn’t find anything to offer Hillary if she’d just step back and let anybody else run

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, renew that passport, finalize your escape plan, don’t open any emails from Hillary that look like they have Cyrillic letters in the subject, decide if you wanna see no evil or hear no evil or speak no evil when we blast ourselves into our inevitable Planet of the Apes future, try to figure out a distinguishing feature about Tim Kaine in case you’re ever asked to identify him in an emergency, figure out if there is possibly a way you can boo and vote at the same time, stop it with the Fight Song already and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “these jokes were way better before Russia hacked my email” green

While we sit in between the two party conventions this weekend, kind of like we’re in the eye of the shitstorm, I thought it would be fun (and lazy) to take a quick peek into the old Happy Friday Archives to see what the first appearance by our 2016 candidates looked like way back when. A couple of disclaimers. First, the old Happy Friday Archives are kind of a mess and I’m pretty sure I’m missing a lot of them from the first couple of years. And second, it looks like all the Hillary jokes at the beginning were more jokes about her husband and I lost interest in trying to find the first shot that wasn’t mostly at Bill. Perhaps some other day. And third, damn, I came out of the blocks running on the Trump hate, huh? With that in mind, fire up an episode of Friends, break out the Crystal Pepsi, grab a Chalupa and read these two jokes that are both shorter than this whole damn introduction:

From Happy Friday, May 31, 1996
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton shocked the nation this week when she told Time Magazine reporters that she and the President are considering adopting a child. Their plans may have hit a snag a few days later, though, when they visited several local adoption agencies and found that the majority of the infants up for adoption bore a remarkable resemblance to the President.

From Happy Thursday, February 17, 1997
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the building’s owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.