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By Tgreen, October 31, 2009 5:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s got a treat for you if you’ve got the right trick.

Nine months after leaving office, former President George W. Bush made his debut Monday in his latest incarnation: motivational speaker. He spoke for nearly 26 minutes on a variety of subjects, including one of the difficult decisions he was forced to make as President. No, not the war or the economic bailout or homeland security, but something even harder than that — picking the right Oval Office rug to reflect his optimism. That sure explains a lot, doesn’t it?

The former President is writing a book about the 12 hardest decisions he had to make while in office. Me, I’m looking forward to the chapter on “paper or plastic”.

Popular social network Facebook reminded members that it will “memorialize” profiles of the dead if their friends or family request it. These special accounts won’t have friend suggestions and won’t be available to people who weren’t already friends with the deceased, but it will still crank out regular updates on the deceased’s Mafia Wars and Farmville progress, because apparently even death can’t stop those posts.

Two Northwest Airlines pilots were using laptop computers in the cockpit as they flew past their Minneapolis destination last week, according to federal regulators. The pilots claim they flew for 78 minutes without speaking to controllers because they became so engrossed in a new computer program that arranges pilot schedules. Do you understand, they were using their laptops to check pilot schedules, not to look at porn. You can get porn on your computer? Wow, that’s nice to know, but these pilots were engrossed in their schedules. Not porn. Seriously, not porn.

A Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than $900,000 this week, thus guaranteeing that Tom Cruise will never visit France again, and making me wonder how no one in this country ever thought of this obvious-in-hindsight way of getting us a break from Tom Cruise.

A new study shows that children are more than twice as likely to be killed by a car while walking on Halloween than any other night of the year. And children wearing the controversial new “Johnny Traffic Cone” costume are more than four times as likely to be killed by a car.

In sports news, Mark McGwire is back in baseball, reunited with Tony La Russa as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach. And also, backup team doctor, based on his skill at delivering injections.

According to a new government report, nearly 650,000 jobs have been saved or created under President Barack Obama’s economic stimulus plan. Unfortunately for the President, 90% of those jobs are anti-Obama commentators on Fox News, and the rest are really just people who replied to that “Earn $2,000 per week working from home” e-mail that makes the rounds every now and then, and probably shouldn’t even count.

A man was caught by Norwegian customs carrying a tarantula in his bag, while also having 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to his body. Customs agents became suspicious when the man’s crotch began incessantly asking if they wanted to save money on their car insurance.

U.S. researchers reported this week that people with a particular gene variant performed more than 20 percent worse on a driving test than people with a different DNA sequence. That variant? Two X chromosomes.

Hey-oh!

This week in an interview with People magazine, tennis star Andre Agassi admitted that he used crystal meth periodically for “a year or so.” Which finally explains the whole Barbra Streisand relationship.

It’s Halloween as I write this, which means most of you are either out there Trick or Treating, or getting ready to go to a party tonight. For you last-minute costume shoppers, it’s very easy to end up with a really bad costume, as you’ll see when you look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Worst Halloween Costumes Still On Sale On Halloween Evening:
10. Bernard Madoff
9. Transexual Mexican Wrestler
8. UFL halfback
7. American Godzilla
6. Vampire from deleted scenes on True Blood DVD set
5. Open-minded Mormon
4. Gay Hitler
3. Narcoleptic cat
2. Mayor of Saskatoon
1. Laid-off GM employee

And that’s all we have time for this week. Last time I mentioned something about Happy Friday taking the month of November off. Is that still happening (after today’s edition I’m sure that idea has a certain charm)? Watch this space for more info starting November 1.

Until next time, don’t eat too much candy, watch out for the apple with the razor blade in it, don’t forget to tip your waitress and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “great balls of fire” green

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By Tgreen, October 24, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s feeling so tired tonight. So, so tired.

Last week rock band Def Leppard has canceled the final leg of its North American tour “due to unforeseen personal matters.” Those matters? Someone in the band apparently realized it was not, in fact, still 1988.

First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on Jay Leno’s new show on Friday. She apparently wanted the advantages of appearing on TV without the worry of having an audience watching and somehow Leno’s was the first name that came up.

On Wednesday, MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson by calling him Al Sharpton. And in a related story, Contessa Brewer will now be working for Fox News.

While Jackson was visibly unamused by the incident, Sharpton was willing to let it pass. “Hell, we’re both puffy black dudes who are always complaining about something. Even I can’t tell the two of us apart sometimes,” Sharpton said.

This week it was revealed that the ninth-season winner of Big Brother told a federal agent that he used his $500,000 prize to buy thousands of oxycodone pills and resell them, prompting Rush Limbaugh to call CBS and offer his services should they ever decide to do Celebrity Big Brother.

Apple this week surprised even optimistic speculators by posting a 47% increase in profit in the fourth quarter. Industry insiders are telling investors they can’t expect similar performance next quarter because the competition is stronger now that Microsoft has released the Zune HD and Windows 7. When asked to comment on that forecast, Apple CEO Steve Jobs bought Australia.

In other Windows 7 news, in honor of the new software release, Japan was lucky enough to play host to Burger King’s exclusive Windows 7 Whopper. Seven stacked beef patties extend the Whopper to over five inches in height all for appropriately ¥777 ($8.55). But it’s still better for you than Windows Vista.

A Texas man who confessed to sexually abusing a child over a three year period has been sentenced to 80 life sentences. But the good news is the Pope has already pardoned him.

It’s a big time of year for sports fans. The football season is in full swing, hockey just started, basketball is about to start, and baseball’s World Series is just days away. But what if you’re not a sports fan? How do you navigate this time of year without becoming a social outcast? Never fear, my sports-deprived friend, you can learn all you need to know by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Fake Being A New York Sports Fan In October:
10. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never mention the New York Mets, as they are all home watching football by October
9. Sprinkle your daily conversation liberally with “A-Rod”, “Jeets” and “Swishalicious”, in no particular order
8. While technically there is a team called the New York Islanders, you don’t have to worry about ever bumping into anyone who wants to talk about them
7. Without warning, grumble “Fucking Eli” several times every Monday morning
6. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing the Mad Dog
5. Say bad things about Philadelphia – it’s almost always appropriate
4. First half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it this year?”; second half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it next year?”
3. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing Billy Martin
2. If stumped by someone’s sports-related question, say you missed the game because you’re too busy training for the NYC Marathon (just don’t be 300 lbs when you say this)
1. Complain about how expensive a beer was the last time you went to a game

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for, if not an explanation for the lousy scheduling of late, then at least a compelling excuse for why Happy Friday may need to take November off. It’s a legitimately good reason, though, so you should be proud of me for that.

T “dammit Eli!” green

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By Tgreen, October 17, 2009 10:33 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently couldn’t hit a Friday if you paid it.

This week it was announced that Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the victims of the only atomic bombings in history, are teaming up to try to bring the Olympics to Japan in 2020. In related news, I hear Pearl Harbor might also be making a bid. Awkward!

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called out his wife, Maria Shriver, for apparently violating a state law he signed — holding her cell phone while driving. Her punishment? A marathon of Kindergarten Cop, The Last Action Hero, and Jingle All The Way.

Art experts believe they have identified a new Leonardo da Vinci in part by examining a fingerprint on the canvas. Said one expert, “Holy crap, this is like crossing CSI with a Dan Brown novel. Do you think Tom Hanks or David Caruso will play me in the movie?”

A London newspaper this week quoted Prince Philip as saying, “to work out how to operate a TV set you practically have to make love to the thing.” Which is probably an attractive option when you’ve been married to the Queen for so long.

Playboy magazine is turning over its cover to the matriarch of Springfield’s first family: Marge Simpson. Which almost – almost, mind you – almost justifies those things you used to do to yourself while watching Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Almost.

President Barack Obama pledged to end the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military in a speech last Saturday. His new “On the Down Low” plan will replace the current “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” plan. Just keep it on the DL, yo.

The Dallas Police Department is investigating more than 2,000 family violence cases stored in the garage of one of its 35-year veterans. Surprisingly, only 85% of them involved Dallas Cowboys players of the late 90s.

General Motors announced this week it had finalized plans to sell control of its iconic Hummer brand to a Chinese heavy equipment maker. Which means the next time you order some Moo Goo Gai Pan for delivery, you’d better give a good tip or that delivery boy is gonna drive right through your front door.

After sinking to a 12-year low back in March, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 Wednesday for the first time in a year, causing pharmacies in the Wall Street area to sell less Viagra than they have at any time since, well, March.

This week it was announced that Subway, riding high on the marketing message of healthy fast food, will overtake McDonald’s in American store locations by the end of 2009, with a total of more than 32,300 outlets. Rush Limbaugh immediately blamed President Obama for this tragic turn of events.

A review of past research finds that, by altering hormonal cycles, the pill might affect choice of mates among members of both genders. Ovulating women prefer typically “manly” men, while women who are not ovulating may prefer men with more feminine features, so by curtailing ovulation, the pill may be helping current male American Idol contestants breed the next generation of male American Idol contestants.

While on the other side of the equation, men still prefer to hook up with anyone who will take them, so actually, the pill hasn’t really changed anything there.

As you remember, last week there was a huge uproar when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize well before anybody thought he was qualified for such an honor. If people were mad about that, I can’t imagine what they’re going to think when they get a load of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Awards President Obama Has Won:
10. First Place, Miss America Pageant
9. Super Bowl XLIV Champion
8. Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
7. Best In Show, AKC National Championship
6. Blue Ribbon, 2009 Pinewood Derby
5. First Place, The Next Iron Chef
4. Winner, Big Brother 11
3. Pillsbury Bake-Off Gold Ribbon
2. Cover Model, 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
1. “Most Improved Penmanship”, Sister Elizabeth’s Third Grade Class

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the cupcakes and have a Happy Friday!

T “gigglefest” green

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By Tgreen, October 9, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that should probably invest in a decent calendar.

This week, in a move that surprised most everyone who heard about it, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said he won because of all the ways he plans to bring peace to the world, but we all know the real reason he won is because he’s not George Bush.

Which makes me wonder where my Nobel Peace Prize is. I mean, I’m not George Bush. And I’m totally planning on bringing out some world peace. I just have to finish the latest Poison Pen first. Yeah, new Poison Pen and then world peace. Any day now.

Anyway, while many people are quickly discounting Obama’s win, if you take a close look at his record you’ll see this award is not so outrageous after all, as proven by…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Qualified To Win The Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Never took sides in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars
9. Always ended every game of Risk with a peaceful negotiation
8. Didn’t launch even one missile when Chicago lost its Olympic bid
7. Is able to enjoy both The Simpsons and Family Guy every Sunday night on FOX
6. Stayed out of the Cola Wars of the 80s by sticking with RC
5. Totally sings along with that song that goes War, uh huh, good god, what is it good for, absolutely nothin’, I’ll say it again, yeah with a knowing look in his eye
4. Watched the original Star Wars a dozen times hoping that they could work things out without having to blow up Alderaan or the Death Star
3. During the mid-90s, made sure to watch both Leno’s and Letterman’s shows to keep the Late Night Wars from flaring up in his household
2. Saw Wargames three times in one day to ensure he’d be prepared if his Commodore Vic-20 ever tried to start a nuclear war, and not because the had a crush on Ally Sheedy
1. In nearly ten months as President has so far managed to prevent a full-scale zombie war from breaking out

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said this week that he’s teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. There’s no word yet on what color quarterback Rush would hire, but it won’t be a black one.

A judge said last week that he’s pleased with how Michael Jackson’s children are adjusting to being in their grandmother’s care. He then followed that statement with this answer to a reporter’s question, “No, I haven’t met Joe Jackson yet, why do you ask?”

A customer at a New Jersey Burger King drive-thru was slashed with a knife by a homeless person this week. Worst dollar menu item ever.

In hundreds of meetings with millions of its members to promote a health care overhaul, AARP has often found itself forced to referee a battle between generations. That battle? Get off my damn lawn!

Last week, Tufts University formalized what for many was probably an unspoken rule: no sex when a roommate is present, by adding a rule that students cannot have sex in their room if it will deprive their roommate of sleep or study time. My university had its own solution to the problem — there were only like a half dozen girls in the whole damn place.

Oh, and no dorm rooms either.

The average retail price for gasoline dipped below $2.50 a gallon for the first time in two months last Monday, prompting at least four oil executives to fire everyone responsible.

Employee misconduct investigations inside a taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants revealed that a senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer. The executive’s lawyer defended his client’s actions by saying he’d been hired during the Clinton administration, where 331 days of viewing pornography was considered rather low.

The ever-popular American Girls brand has released a controversial new doll named “Gwen,” a character who’s actually homeless. With a pricetag of $95, the doll is only about ten bucks cheaper than an actual homeless person.

Chicago’s dream of an Olympics-sized stimulus was dashed last week when the 2016 Summer Games were awarded to Rio de Janeiro, prompting talk show host Oprah Winfrey to drop Brazilian waxes from her list of “favorite things.”

This week NASA launched a mission to bomb the moon. Which really sounds a lot more like something that the Bush Administration would’ve tried if it thought the moon had messed with Texas.

The LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission sent a missile traveling at twice the speed of a bullet to blast a hole in the lunar surface near the moon’s South pole in an attempt to find signs of water on the moon. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Iran keeps giving for why it wants to launch a missile into downtown Jerusalem.

In other space news, astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life, or, at the very least, give us a new place for Republicans and Democrats to argue over who’s worse.

Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate, has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced, and the release date has been moved up from the spring to Nov. 17, her publisher said. Of course, when your biggest accomplishment is helping Tina Fey score an Emmy, one has to wonder why it even took this long to write a memoir. The book weighs in at 400 pages. That’s a lot of crayons.

Word is Rush Limbaugh’s already bought two tubes of lubrication to use while reading.

Talk show host David Letterman was recently the victim of a blackmail plot, which forced him to reveal that he’d had several sexual relationships with members of his Late Show staff. Hard to imagine, huh? Maybe not, once you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful David Letterman Pickup Lines:
10. Hey, baby, wanna let Paul and the band play you in?
9. Hey, baby, let me show you a really Stupid Human Trick
8. Hey, baby, wanna be a guest on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show?
7. Hey, baby, I’ll bring the monkey if you’ll bring the camera
6. Hey, baby, wanna find out if it’ll float?
5. Hey, baby, I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk
4. Hey, baby, I’ve got a cut of meat you should know
3. Hey, baby, I can take you right to prime time (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful Jay Leno Pickup Lines)
2. Hey, baby, wanna help me beat the Conan?
1. Hey, baby, wanna see my Top Ten?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the football and enjoy the hockey and enjoy…wait, are there any other sports still going on right now? I don’t think so.

T “what a lovely development this is” green