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By Tgreen, August 30, 2009 11:30 am

Welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently has a pretty liberal definition of Friday. And, for that matter, of Happy.

I would’ve been on time this week, but I decided to play a little drinking game where I took a shot every time I heard or read the word “Chappaquiddick”, and I managed to polish off about 2 bottles of Jack Daniel’s in the first hour. I don’t remember much after that, but I think I may have taken a road trip with Sasquatch and the Cream of Wheat Monster.

A new study released this week found that obese people have 8 percent less brain tissue than normal-weight individuals. And 16 percent more secret sauce.

Astronomers have found what appears to be a gigantic suicidal planet whose orbit is bringing it directly into its sun. They figured it was suicidal when they discovered a breakup letter from Jupiter and a huge container of Ben & Jerry’s Comet Crunch in orbit around it.

The first gaming/texting addiction clinic in the US opened this week, but you probably missed the announcement because you were playing Mafia Wars and then writing about it on Facebook.

So far there’s no clinic for writing lame Top Ten lists online. Not that I’m addicted. I can quit any time. And have, like a dozen times the last ten years.

This week it was discovered that a black man was replaced with a white man in a Microsoft online advertisement intended for use in Poland. There was a bit of an uproar about it, but it’s a fairly common thing in advertising. It even has a name. When you replace a black man with a white man, they call it a “Jackson”.

KFC is now offering in two test markets a sandwich that consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken. Shortly after the sandwich was announced, former President Bill Clinton checked himself into a local hospital for a preemptive triple bypass.

According to technology company McAfee Security, Jessica Biel is the most dangerous celebrity on the Web, because searches for Biel are more likely to lead to online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. Before this announcement, the most dangerous celebrity web search was for “Larry King sex video.” Not because it gave your computer a virus, but because it showed you a video of Larry King having sex.

Now, however, Biel is even more dangerous, since a search might bring people here, and no good can come from visiting this page. Sorry.

This week there were reports that Rudy Giuliani may run for governor of New York State. First Bill Clinton brings those women back from North Korea and now Mayor Rudy wants to run for office again. All we need is for OJ to kill someone else and it’ll be like the 90s never left.

And to be honest, I get a little suspicious any time we go too long without some news on OJ, so he might be way out ahead of me already.

This week a steam-powered car set a new speed record. And in other news, it’s the 21st fucking Century. What’s next, a new Twitter app for your telegraph?

As you no doubt heard a thousand times this week, Senator Ted Kennedy died after a battle with brain cancer. In Washington DC, deaths of that magnitude are generally dignified, non-partisan affairs. However, from time to time things don’t go exactly as planned, as you can tell by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Ted Kennedy’s Funeral:
10. Funeral procession had to change route four times to avoid driving over any bridges
9. Rally caps ordered for Rush Limbaugh’s after-party accidentally delivered to church
8. Former President George W Bush kept referring to the late Senator as JFK
7. Services delayed an hour as family members tried to remember which other family members they weren’t speaking to (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Every Irish Funeral)
6. Kennedy in-law Arnold Schwarzenegger’s tears began flowing from above his eyebrows thanks to several rounds of plastic surgery over the years
5. Unfortunate scuffle in back of church as President Obama attempted to tape Joe Biden’s mouth shut to keep him from saying something stupid
4. Fox News van hosted pre-funeral tailgate party
3. Church ushers forced to work overtime to get women to proper aisles depending on whether they were wives, girlfriends, or assorted mistresses
2. On way to cemetary, half the funeral procession accidentally took wrong turn and started following group of Michael Jackson fans commemorating the King of Pop’s 51st birthday
1. Bar tab for wake arrived looking bigger than the amount owed for the Cash for Clunkers program

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see how close to Friday I can hit. Until then, don’t forget to start stocking up on beer and snacks because the football season is about to start and if you’re not prepared to stuff your face you might as well not be an American.

T “shuttle train” green

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By Tgreen, August 21, 2009 1:05 am

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s had all it can stands, and it can’t stands no more!

NFL QB Brett Favre came out of retirement this week and signed with the Minnesota Vikings. Former Vikings QB Fran Tarkenton blasted the move as a “circus.” But come on, he said the same thing when John Davidson returned from a contract dispute on That’s Incredible, so how can you even listen to him?

Hey, Brett Favre is old, so the references are old. It’s out of my hands.

In other sports news, the world track and field federation requested a gender test on an 18-year-old runner about three weeks ago amid speculation that she does not meet the requirements to compete as a woman. Officials became suspicious when her 12″ penis flopped out and broke the tape at the end of a race.

Plus, her last name is Semenya, which is probably one of the worst last names to have if you want to deflect suspicion that you’re not a woman.

The worst last name to have, by the way, is probably Ballscratchenya.

This week a hacker was busted for stealing 130 million credit card accounts.

And that’s how the escort service got charged to your husband’s credit card. Really.

In other computer news, a study shows that 40% of all Twitter posts are useless babbling. Which just proves that whoever did this study must have graded on a very, very generous curve.

Apple announced this week that it’s investigating a couple of instances where iPhones have exploded. So far theyBOOM! Ow.

This week while on vacation, the Obamas saw Old Faithful erupt — then they bid former President Clinton goodbye and headed to Yellowstone Park.

According to a survey taken by Westin hotels, 51% of respondents would prefer a perfect night’s sleep to great sex. Contrary to stereotype, more men than women picked sleep over sex, but a follow-up question revealed that this was only because the mattress doesn’t complain if the sleeping abruptly ends significantly earlier than planned.

And according to another survey, men are much more likely to seek and have casual sex than women, and are far less choosy about the looks of their sex partners. This survey was sponsored by your friends at Jose Cuervo.

The Swiss banking giant UBS on Wednesday reached a final deal with the Justice Department and the Internal Revenue Service in which it will disclose names and account details for more than 4,450 wealthy Americans suspected of tax evasion. And in a related story, the Republican Party has declared war on Switzerland.

And speaking of the GOP, former Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will say in his upcoming memoir that in 2004 he was asked by administration officials to raise the nation’s security threat level to help boost George W Bush’s reelection chances. This revelation is shocking and just proves that some politicians will do anything to sell a book — even, as hard as it may be to believe, tell the truth.

A new study released this week shows that without landmarks to guide them, people walk around and around on circles. Finally, an explanation for my entire career! And most every company I’ve ever worked for!

Hurricane Bill this week threatened several islands in the Carribean. So far meteorologists have been unable to explain why the hurricane keeps making a beeline for the nearest dorms at women’s colleges.

Scientists at the Goddard Space Flight Center detected the amino acid glycine in comet bits brought back in 2006 by the NASA space probe Stardust. This discovery of a basic building block of life located somewhere other than the planet Earth will eventually help scientists figure out such great mysteries like why Tom DeLay will be a contestant on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

Well, that Tom DeLay story was everywhere I looked the other day, so it must be that important.

Magician David Copperfield was hit with a sexual harrasment suit this week. Apparently he tried to pull the rabbit out of the wrong place this time.

The King of Pop’s burial will be delayed two days because, according to his father Joe Jackson, they still need to get a few more things before they’re ready. Like, for example, Joe Jackson needs to get in another beating or two while it’s still an option.

New polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have dropped from where they were at the end of his first hundred days. A White House spokesman says the President isn’t worried, but just in case he decides he needs a boost, he could do a lot worse than to consider…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Obama Can Regain Some Popularity:
10. Cheat on Hillary with an intern
9. Forget universal health care and give the people what they really want, universal free porn
8. Start off his weekly Internet address by kicking Joe Biden in the nads
7. Stock administration with people who look so evil he can’t help but look good in comparison — I hear Dick Cheney’s available
6. Turn health care debate into year-long episode of American Idol
5. Drag John Edwards and his illegitimate child around to remind everyone who they could’ve been stuck with as President
4. Promise to reveal spoilers for final season of Lost if his ratings go back above 60%
3. Ignore warnings about imminent al Qaeda attacks (hey, it worked for the last guy)
2. Read JFK bio, recreate one JFK policy per day, blog about it, and hope they can get Meryl Streep to play JFK in the movie
1. Outlaw all Top Ten Lists with fewer than three potential punchlines

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, keep cool and, if you ride the subway, please don’t forget the deodorant. Your fellow passengers thank you in advance.

T “indubitably” green

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By Tgreen, August 14, 2009 12:31 am

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit.

This week Bob Dylan announced that he’ll be releasing a Christmas album this holiday season. It’s possible that this will be Dylan’s first album of Christmas songs in his long career, but given the murky vocals on many of his recordings, no one can know for sure.

A recent survey claims that women who drink two glasses of wine a day have better sex lives than women who don’t drink anything. The same survey revealed that women who drink six glasses of wine a day are more likely to have their sex lives turn up on YouTube than women who don’t drink anything.

And as always, the survey said that women who drink two six-packs of Schlitz a day can’t even give it away.

The NYPD is investigating a police officer who told a subway passenger trying to report a man masturbating on the train that it was not a police matter. The officer instead told the passenger to call the city’s information hotline and either report the incident as performing in the subway system without a proper license if the man didn’t complete the act, or littering if he did.

This week Best Buy’s website accidentally listed a $1,799 52-inch flatscreen TV for $9.99. The error was discovered quickly, but not before thousands of people had placed orders. Best Buy said it will honor the price on the website, but only if buyers also purchase a 2-year extended warranty for $1790.

Which is actually only about 20 bucks more than those warranties usually go for, so it’s still not a bad deal at all.

According to a recent study, 70% of American’s think that women should take their husband’s name when they marry. Hanging strong in the other 30%? The future Mrs. Dixon Cox, the future Mrs. Buster Cherry and the future Mrs. Nescobar Aloplop.

Reports are leaking out this week that in an upcoming memoir, former Vice President Dick Cheney will express his disappointment with George W. Bush’s behavior over the last couple of years of his Presidency. This makes it unanimous now, right?

Scientists said this week that based on the results of a study of rats, 10 days of eating a high fat diet can lead to laziness and stupidity. And in a relattnkqelnnflqe….oh, screw it, these keys are sooooo heavy and I don’t remember what I was going 2 say anyway.

Secret White House memos revealed an $80 billion deal with the pharmaceutical lobby designed to move President Obama’s health care reform plan forward. The bad news? Drug prices will continue to be high no matter what kind of health care deal ultimately passes. The good news? Free Flintstones vitamins for every American citizen. But there won’t be any Dinos, because the President was traumatized as a child when he saw the episode where Dino spoke.

In sports news, the Philadelphia Eagles this week signed quarterback Michael Vick to a 2-year contract. Vick has missed the last 2 seasons because he was in jail for several charges related to dogfighting. Vick had originally hoped to be signed by the Cleveland Browns, but everyone involved thought that might be a little inappropriate.

Because their fans are called The Dawg Pound.

See what I did there?

Wal-Mart is taking some heat for releasing cookies that people say are a direct copy of a couple of popular Girl Scout cookies, Thin Mints and Tagalongs. A spokesperson for Wal-Mart said the cookies are not copies and are completely original creations, just like their Walritos Cool Ranch Tortilla Chips, their Wal Whip dessert topping, and the new Big Mart burger available for purchase at their new McMart’s fast food chain.

Former Presidential candidate John Edwards is expected to admit that the daughter born to his former mistress is in fact his child. He’s apparently been ready to admit this for awhile, but he’s just waiting for a really busy news day to do it on so that maybe it gets lost in the shuffle. He’s also considering doing it on his wife’s birthday. He hasn’t decided yet.

There have been reports this week that the Spider-Man musical has run out of money and will not, in fact, be premiering on Broadway next February as planned. This is actually good news, as it will allow the producers plenty of time to mount a production of something from…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Musicals Even Lamer Than A Spider-Man Musical:
10. TV Guide, The Musical
9. Imus!
8. Tiptoe Through The Tulips, The Tiny Tim Story
7. Twitterpalooza
6. My Fair Biz Markie
5. Jersey Boys II, Bon Jovi Boogaloo
4. Celebrity Rehab: Jeff Conaway v Gary Busey
3. Metallica Mia
2. MacGruber!
1. The Phantom of the Top Ten List

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, put your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the remote, because Mad Men season 3 premieres this weekend.

T “green label” green

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By Tgreen, August 7, 2009 1:20 am

This week Radio Shack announced that it’s changing its name to The Shack. The Shack promises to offer the same poor selection and high prices that Radio Shack always did, so don’t worry, electronics consumer.

A New York City woman who says she can’t find a job is suing the college where she earned a bachelor’s degree. After that trial is over she plans to sue her high school because she didn’t get kissed at her prom, the manufacturer of her TV for getting her hooked on Big Brother, and Victoria’s Secret for the way her ass looks in her bathing suit.

A science journal was forced to retract a paper about sperm created from stem cells. As embarrasing as this was, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve had to retract the sperm too.

In other science news, a New Mexico inventor has developed a fuel that’s made out of Mountain Dew. The fuel, which is comprised of 80% Mountain Dew and 20% gasoline, actually beats regular Mountain Dew in taste tests 3 to 1.

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his lovers at a Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound and assaulted by a group of women, including his wife, who glued his penis to his thigh. As bad as this was, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve glued it to his cheek.

Last week it was revealed that the Pope signed a record deal. The version of Ave Maria he cut with the Black Eyed Peas? It’s got a good beat and you can dance to it.

Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler sustained head, neck and shoulder injuries after falling off the stage during a concert this week. As painful as this was, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve actually paid to see Aerosmith in concert.

Republicans played a trick on Democrats this week when they redirected angry telephone calls coming into their switchboard to the Democratic National Committee. This caused an awkward moment when former Vice President Al Gore, calling because he was angry over the Republican stand on environmental issues, ended up being forwarded to his own office phone and talking for an hour before he realized what was going on.

Police were called to break up a riot in Tampa at a rally for health care reform. The riot was started by anti-reform people who later claimed they were egged on by Conservative commentator Glenn Beck. Ironically, most of the injured rioters were forced to pay extra for treatment because they had to go to doctors outside of their approved network.

Former President Bill Clinton went to North Korea this week and brokered a deal to release two American female journalists. Of course he did. Who else would you send out to pick up two women but Bill Clinton?

It makes you wonder, though, in what other ways could he aid the Obama administration…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Secret Missions Bill Clinton Could Pull Off:
10. Uncover international baby back rib smuggling ring
9. Instruct Obama’s inner circle in fine art of hiding from Hillary
8. Head up selection committee for new crop of White House interns
7. Pull a Vince Foster on chatty VP Joe Biden
6. Team up with Pussy Galore (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Bill Clinton Did More Than 100 Times While In Office)
5. Bury any potentially controversial birth records forever by tying them to the twists and turns of the average Arkansas family tree
4. Open diplomatic relations with the French President’s wife Carla Bruni, if you know what I mean, and I think you do
3. Travel to McDonald’s to liberate a couple of Big Macs
2. Follow directions hidden on the dollar bill and in the Declaration of Independence to discover secret location of Ted Kennedy’s porn stash
1. Help OJ find the real killers (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Top Ten List Punchlines He Absolutely Refuses To Retire)

Welcome back to Happy Friday, President Clinton. It’s been way too long.

That’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to check back next time to see if we can dig up a punchline even older than OJ.

T “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” green