I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s starting to wonder if maybe somehow this whole election thing has gone just a little bit off the rails.

The first sign of this came an hour and a half before the second Presidential Debate, when Republican candidate Donald Trump held a surprise Facebook panel with women who have accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. And grabbed each one of them by the pussy.

This week Samsung suspended production of the Galaxy Note 7 after reports that replacement models for phones that had caught on fire also were catching on fire. But in Samsung’s defense, the replacement fires were smaller than the original fires, so at least they were making progress.

In a related story, Samsung announced its new product line, the Samsung Galaxy Hand Warmer, coming to a store near you this holiday season.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus this week held an emergency call to declare that the party remains firmly behind Donald Trump. No word on if it’s behind him in a normal way, or the super-creepy way he stood behind Hillary Clinton at this week’s debate.

A new study shows that working over 25 hours per week after age 40 can lead to a decline in cognition. And apparently an increase in desire to write shitty Top Ten Lists.

This week Billy Bush was fired from the Today Show because of his appearance in Donald Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” video, thus inadvertently proving that the standards for hosting the 3rd hour of a network morning show are higher than for being the GOP nominee.

This week Donald Trump told his supporters to be sure to go out and vote on November 28. Which suggests he’s given up on being President and is now aiming to win this season of Dancing With the Stars.

The date mixup is all the proof you need that Trump’s not a career politician. The phrase is supposed to be “vote early and often,” not “vote 20 days too late.” Amateur.

Hillary’s from Chicago. I can guarantee you she knows all about how that works.

Oscar Mayer announced this week that it’s recalling some Lunchables due to allergen concerns. In a statement, Oscar Mayer said that anyone with food allergies would be completely safe, though, for “obvious reasons.”

This week Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated 15 happy years of marriage on the occasion of their 41st wedding anniversary.

This week’s debate was the first to ever appear on Iranian television. As advertisements for democracy go, it probably didn’t make the sale.

Excerpts from some of Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Wall Street execs were released by Wikileaks this week. Among them was a comment that politicians need to have “both a public and a private position.” She claimed that this was merely a comment on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. No word yet on what she meant when she said, “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”

Wow, after almost 21 years, a joke so nerdy even I wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t written it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 64 this week and was given 450 birthday roses from his Parliament. And 300 new Hillary Clinton emails from Wikileaks.

This week singer/songwriter Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is cool and all, but it’s not nearly as prestigious as Jon Bon Jovi’s Nobel Prize in Getting Played A Lot On NJ Radio.

At a speech in Florida this week Donald Trump told supporters he was an “existential threat” to the political establishment. The rally was then halted for an hour as Trump struggled to find a term for “existential” that his supporters could understand.

This week Starbucks introduced a new drink that’s a mix of beer and espresso. Toss on in a cigarette and you could call this drink “Tgreen about five hours into any wedding in the early-to-mid–90s.”

And finally, this week Hillary Clinton was forced to answer under oath 25 questions about her private email system. She responded “do not recall” 20 times. It’s even worse than it sounds, though, because by question 23 she said that she no longer recalled questions 1 through 4.

Moral Question Department:

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you go to the movies or go home to watch Netflix?

A lot of people in the Northeast woke up this week to temperatures in the low 40s, which is as sure a sign as any that we’re not in summer anymore, Toto.

But some people need more than one sign, which is what I’m here for, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer Is Over:

10. When you go outside in shorts your legs are red from frostbite and not from sunburn

9. Burgers on the grill need to be examined closely for falling leaves

8. Slowly-decaying orange thing might be pumpkin and not Trump’s chance for getting elected

7. Loud neighbor stops annoying you with fantasy baseball talk and starts annoying you with fantasy football talk

6. Sports Illustrated includes hockey story somewhere around page 46

5. NJTransit issues last heat-related delay announcement of the year

4. Back-to-school commercials suddenly replaced by Halloween commercials

3. Favorite new show cancelled after three episodes

2. Start to see trailers for movies that don’t feature superheroes or star people you only know from Comedy Central

1. Landlord stops lying to you about why the A/C doesn’t work, starts lying to you about why the heat doesn’t work

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, buy your Doctor Strange tickets, root for Tony Romo’s speedy recovery so the Cowboys can suck again, watch some hockey, get ready for that third debate, be Presidential and grab someone by the pussy, run out and cut left, stay up all night thinking about 5 ways these campaigns could get even worse, be nice to your autocorrect, give it a rest, be kind, rewind and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Happy Friday” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your weekly sign that you can stop holding out hope that things are gonna get better before the weekend. Because they’re not.

This week it was revealed that Yahoo scanned emails in cooperation with US intelligence officials. I sure hope they scanned mine, because it would mean at least one person read all the spam that gets sent there.

Facebook Marketplace, a new section of the app that allows users to buy and sell items, got off to a rocky start this week when Facebook was forced to apologize after illegal drugs, guns, sexual services and baby hedgehogs were listed for sale. And that was all just in the first posting.

Scientists declared this week that humanity’s impact on the earth is now so profound that a new geological epoch needs to be named. And so now we live in the Anthropocene Era. It’s just like Jurassic Park, but with less T-Rex and more Trump.

According to a new study, the ceiling to how old human beings can live is 115 years. “Amateurs,” said Larry King.

And in a related story, this week The Rolling Stones announced they’ll be releasing their new album, Blue and Lonesome, on December 2.

This week scientists announced that the first baby conceived by a controversial new “3 parent” technique was born. Apparently this 3 parent conception is very different from, but no less controversial than, the 3 parent conception method first developed at 1970s swinger parties.

This week SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans to have people going to Mars in the next 40–100 years. Or not nearly soon enough, in the case of some people.

Researchers in North Carolina concluded that men are more likely to believe in God after having sex. Which makes sense, since for a lot of men the existence of a kind and merciful God is the only believable reason they ever got to have sex in the first place.

This week the 2016 Vice Presidential debate was held in FarmVille, Virginia. Because apparently SimCity was already booked.

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was roundly criticized for not preparing enough for his own debate, but he really dropped the ball this time. He was so unprepared for the VP debate he went on a 10-minute Twitter rant about Mike Pence before someone explained that Pence was his guy.

The GOP caused an awkward moment when it posted articles claiming victory at the debate before the debate had even started. And in related news, the New York Jets just posted an article about how they just won Super Bowl LI.

Hurricane Matthew hit Florida this week, causing Walt Disney World to close for only the 4th time in its 45-year history. But the good news is the wait time to ride Space Mountain is now down to only 90 minutes.

If Florida wants to get rid of Hurricane Matthew quickly, all they have to do is show it some Marco Rubio campaign commercials. That was more than enough to get me moving.

A Pennsylvania man was given 30 days to catch a wild rooster on his property before being penalized by his city. But on the plus side, if he catches the rooster not only does he avoid the penalty, but he’ll be ready for his rematch with Apollo Creed.

A 68-year-old Florida millionaire discovered this week that his 24-year-old wife was actually his biological granddaughter. He said that despite this incident, he still promises to make America great again if elected.

The New York Mets have assigned former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to the same Arizona Fall League team that Michael Jordan once played on. And we all remember how well Michael Jordan’s baseball career went.

The MLB playoffs started this week, with many experts picking the Chicago Cubs to win their first World Series since 1908. The very idea of the Cubs winning it all has rarely seemed possible in the modern era, so if it does actually happen, it may open the door to some other things you never thought you’d see. As you’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Impossible Things a Cubs World Series Victory Could Usher In:

10. First Lady named Melania

9. BJ and the Bear Deluxe Blu-ray set

8. New issue of the Poison Pen (still working on it, I promise)

7. Spinoff Star Wars movie featuring a Jar Jar/Ewoks team up

6. Super Bowl Champion New York Jets (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You’ll Only Ever See Again In A Science Fiction Movie)

5. President Rubio

4. New Jello pudding commercials starring Bill Cosby

3. NJTransit trains that run on schedule more than 1 day in a row

2. Top Ten lists with 10 decent items

1. Supreme Court Justice Bill Clinton

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for the funniest jokes you’re ever gonna find on the internet. I’m not sure where to tune in for that, since obviously you won’t find them here, but you’ve got a week to get Google working for you. Until then, steer clear of the hurricane, heckle this weekend’s debate, beware the creepy clown who’s standing on your lawn right now peeking through your window to watch you read this, buy your federally-mandated amount of memorabilia for the upcoming Star Wars movie, find some less racist ways to make America great, place your bets on which new TV show will be cancelled first and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it’s a small world after all” green