They’re counting up the votes and people are counting up their anxieties and I’m counting up how many bottles of Jack Daniels I’ve got in the house in case I need them.

Which makes me wonder, what time exactly does the Trump campaign hand out the paper cups of Kool-Aid tonight? And do you all have to drink them at the same time or does it vary by time zone?

Just like all of you, I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of political memes over the last 4 years. The latest one is from Republican voters telling me it’s important to vote policy, not personality. And that’s fair. But they’re not telling me which policies I’m supposed to vote for. The policies that block legal immigration? The policies that want to take away health care from millions of people without offering up a replacement? The policies that hand huge tax cuts to rich people and corporations while specifically screwing over taxpayers in left-leaning states? The policies that totally ignore a global pandemic? There’s just so much to choose from. They need to be more specific.

In other news of the coming Apocalypse, this week Costco stopped carrying a brand of coconut water because the company that makes the water uses forced monkey labor to gather the coconuts, which just goes to prove that I’m the only person who’s actually watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies and knows what forced monkey labor leads to.

The bad news is the President has threatened to send his lawyers anywhere he thinks the vote count is suspicious. The good news is, this is one of his lawyers:

Trump is riding out election night in the White House, where he’ll be hosting a party of approximately 250 people. It was originally going to be a larger group, but 250 is all that’s left from his circle that he hasn’t infected with COVID.

Remember when Bernie Sanders thought he was gonna be President? Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

I don’t know who’s going to win this election, though I’ve got my suspicions. But one thing I know for sure is that win or lose, on the morning of January 21, 2021, Donald Trump will be planted in front of a TV, watching Fox and Friends, and not doing the job of the President of the United States.

And that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Stay tuned to find out how the series finale of American Democracy ends. Wait, no, I meant season finale, not series finale. Didn’t I?

T “too early to call” green

Election Day rolls on, though to be honest I mostly know that because cable news is dredging up anyone with a pulse and a webcam to offer up an opinion on what’s happening. I apologize in advance if I miss any of you folks when you get your 15 minutes.

There was an awkward moment at the polls this morning when First Lady Melania Trump had trouble reading her ballot. She told the poll workers she just wanted to vote for the barely coherent old man who could barely get through an entire day without embarrassing himself and they said they’d need some more info in order to narrow it down.

And speaking of Melania, if her husband loses I wonder if this is the night he tells her that there’s not enough money in the bank to cover her pre-nup. Might as well tear off all the band-aids at the same time, right?

This week McDonald’s announced it’s bringing the McRib back for a limited time nationwide, so that even if Trump loses you’ll still have all the pig anus in your life that you want in the month of December.

And speaking of pig anus, in South Carolina Lindsey Graham is battling it out in a close race to hold on to his seat. Things got so bad he was reduced to begging for donations on Fox News, and that got him in trouble because you’re only allowed to go on Fox News to beg for money if you’ve got a book to sell. Preferably with the word “killing” somewhere in the title, but they’ve relaxed that rule a little since they had to fire Bill O’Reilly.

This week in the first real look he’s given us at his health care plan, President Trump abandoned his rally attendees to the cold and darkness three different times. But the good news is this plan has a lot less paperwork than Obamacare.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton both voted this morning. Clinton voted for Biden, and Bush declined to say who he voted for. Oddly enough, in an early count of votes in Chicago it was revealed that Former President Harry Truman also cast a vote for Joe Biden this morning.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this week that if the Democrats hold on to their majority in the House, she will run again to be Speaker of the House. Because apparently the age limit for running for anything in Congress is like 150.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani’s had kind of a rough time of it lately, but despite all that he still wants to make sure everybody gets out to vote and stays safe while doing so, as you’ll see if you take a look at…

Rudy Giuliani’s Top Five Election Day Tips:

5. When you leave your coffin to vote, make sure the sun is completely down first.

4. Be sure to use an absentee ballot if your polling place is a church or other house of worship

3. If you encounter a young woman who wants to talk to you while you’re on your way to vote, definitely follow her to whatever hotel room she wants to to lead you into

2. It’s best to mail in your ballot if you plan to spend a couple of months dumpster diving for opposition research in the Ukraine

1. Be sure to vote for whoever offers a health care plan that will let you replace all your ugly teeth at once, so you don’t have to replace the top ones and then just stop there for some reason.

And that’s all we have time for this afternoon. Get out there and vote if you haven’t already, and we’ll be back tonight for the Lightning Round, when the pundits get louder and the need for a stiff drink doubles.

T “ask not what your Top Five list can do for you” green

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. I know it’s been awhile since the last time we did one of these. It was on the occasion of Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, which feels like it was 3,000 years ago but really was only about 2,578 years ago, so that’s hardly any time at all. But since we’re about to live through the biggest Election Day since the last one, I thought it might be fun to drop in and see if we learned anything from last time.

Me, I learned that a lot of people were clearly not paying attention in grammar school, but that’s just me.

There’s gonna be a lot of map watching today. To see which states go for each candidate, sure. But also to see which countries might let President Trump move there if he loses and has to hide out from the US Justice system.

But by now the polls are open across the United States, and so far today Trump has only filed 6 lawsuits with the Supreme Court to cancel the election and declare him the winner, so it’s obvious he’s treating the day with the respect it deserves.

The President is also planning to spend the day rage-tweeting about Hillary’s emails and the size of his inauguration crowd, so don’t be alarmed if it feels like Twitter is accidentally reposting things from four years ago. That’s actually new content.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden started his Election Day at church, where he visited the grave of his dead son Beau Biden. Or as the President referred to it, “not being good enough to get a guest slot on Fox and Friends like I did, loser.”

Biden has a big day ahead of himself, though. His schedule shows a mid-morning nap, an afternoon nap, an early evening siesta, two power naps, and an hour of executive time, with the location for that given as the comfy chair in his study.

The President, on the other hand, will be holding multiple rallies across the country because it turns out he has not yet hit his annual quota for spreading the coronavirus. If he hits his quota he gets a bonus — several thousand fewer fans to have to pretend he likes, so here’s wishing the President good luck as he tried to achieve that goal.

A group of Trump supporters blocked traffic on the Garden State Parkway this weekend, which just goes to show that despite catching the coronavirus at the White House last month, former governor Chris Christie is still willing to pitch in with some campaign ideas. Good for you, Governor.

There was an awkward moment at the ballot box this morning when candidate Joe Biden was overheard requesting a write-in ballot and asking how to spell “Obama.”

Recently Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was photographed with bruises on his face and dark purple hands. He said he was fine, but people were understandably curious as to what had happened to him. It remained a mystery until now, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Five Explanations For What the Hell Happened to Mitch McConnell:

5. Prince cosplay went horribly awry

4. Tried to Smurf himself and something went Smurfy

3. His own blood said, “I’ve had enough of this clown” and went looking for a better home

2. Wanted to more closely resemble his favorite President but they were out of orange paint at the Walmart

1. Swiped a piece of gum from Violet Beauregard and is just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to sing him off

And that’s all we have time for in this morning’s Election Day update. We’ll be back in a couple of hours for another check on today’s progress.

T “Dewey Defeats Truman” green

Since the era of FDR, I think, people have used a new President’s first 100 days in office as a shorthand way to assess how he’s doing. As the days counted down on Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, his administration started scrambling like a C student in high school who has a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird due at the end of the week and he doesn’t even know what a mockingbird is, much less why anyone would need to kill one. And the reason behind this scramble is a perceived lack of accomplishment on the part of the new Trump Administration. And this could not be further from the truth. Donald Trump, in his first 100 days, has accomplished some fantastic things. A huge amount of things, let me tell you. Way more than Hillary accomplished. Or Obama or Bush or any other President. And you’ll see exactly what he’s done when you take a peek (though for your own safety I would advise that you not do it) at…

Tgreen’s Top 100 Things Donald Trump Accomplished In His First 100 Days:

1. Gave Stephen Colbert enough of a ratings boost to stick it to Jimmy Fallon
2. Signed executive order banning Jar-Jar from being in any of the new Star Wars movies
3. Kept Vice President Christie and Supreme Court Justice Giuliani as players in your nightmare and not an actual thing
4. Left a trail of $100 bills to lead unsuspecting followers straight to the offices of Goldman Sachs
5. Got Layla added to White House karaoke machine
6. Finally broke the glass ceiling to get some rich white guys into government
7. Crushed ISIS on Day 1, though he was not expecting ISIS’s identical twin cousin to arrive on the scene so quickly and start causing trouble
8. Guaranteed that whatever part of NAFTA ensures a steady supply of Timbits will not be renegotiated
9. Stopped three terrorists on the 6th hole at Mar-a-lago and birdied the hole while bringing them in
10. Ensured George W. Bush will forever never be worse than second-least articulate President
11. Inspired at least five different plot lines for Lex Luthor in the next two year’s worth of Superman comics
12. Introduced legislation to prevent any Three Stooges marathon from showing more than two Shemps in a row
13. Created 10K new jobs in the spray tan dye manufacturing industry
14. Helped keep Alec Baldwin from having too much free time
15. Guaranteed that there will be no shortage of potential stars of his inevitable biopic
16. Helped whoever picked 87% as the percentage of things he’d blame Obama for win a tidy sum
17. Took down Obamacare about as effectively as Boss Hogg took down the Duke boys
18. Did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski
19. Found a way to get Billy Bush off your TV screen
20. Introduced the country to the raw sensual heat that is VP Mike Pence
21. Even if it was only for a few minutes, allowed Newt Gingrich to be the voice of reason somewhere, some how
22. Prevented Hillary Clinton from bombing Syria and turning our government over to the leeches at Goldman Sachs
23. Did almost as much to prevent President George Pataki as George Pataki did
24. Worked double time to make telling the truth just one of several options in your everyday interactions
25. Kicked off investigation into why the McRib is not a regular menu item anymore
26. Set new White House Buffalo Wing eating contest record
27. So far has resisted the urge to turn the Department of Education into a subsidiary of Trump University
28. Managed to outpace the One Lie a Day that most people predicted for him
29. Proved that Mitt Romney was right to call Russia our #1 enemy back in 2012
30. Did not grab Angela Merkel by the pussy, as far as we know
31. Managed to outlast both Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly
32. Sent Kellyann Conway to the cornfield without anyone noticing
33. Found a way to make Kim Jong Un seem like a sober world leader
34. Promised that immigrants will always have a place here, and by here we mean working for less than minimum wage at some Trump-owned company
35. Proved that orange Kool-Aid is apparently the best Kool-Aid
36. Continues to do whatever he has to do to make sure we never have to see that tape of two Russian hookers peeing on him
37. Inspired John McCain to start his own revolution, which apparently involves voting for every Trump nominee
38. Makes Groot seem like the picture of eloquence
39. Has so far not actually hired Sarah Palin to do anything
40. Gave his kids jobs when it was obvious nobody else would
41. Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop
42. Also put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong
43. Has allowed his old Tweets to turn into some kind of Museum of Delusion and seems perfectly okay with this
44. Proved what we always suspected: reading is for nerds and science is for Poindexters
45. Was somehow involved in helping Roger Kraft get another Super Bowl ring to replace the one Putin stole
46. Hired Ben Carson, which proved every useless and unqualified person in his Contacts list isn’t white
47. Lack of praiseworthy results has allowed conservative news outlets to blow through their inventory of anti-Obama and anti-Hillary stories
48. Pictures of Trump in a truck show potential post-White House career as star of Convoy reboot
49. Manages to keep his lips from moving any time Sean Hannity talks
50. Scored a huge donation from the chocolate cake lobby recently
51. Gave Ted Nugent an excuse to get out of the house, which if nothing else made his family happy for a couple of hours
52. Is choosing to kill the environment in baby steps so at least we have time to document it
53. Hiring Rick Perry ensures that George W. Bush will only ever be the second dumbest man from Texas to work in the Federal government
54. Allowed Jeb Bush the chance to work that old Bush magic on the Florida Marlins, thus lifting the chances for all other NL East teams
55. Doing so much business at Mar-a-lago ensures that only the richest spy agencies will have a shot at learning what he’s up to
56. Creation of “fake news” debate forces media too be focused on itself to keep a close eye on whatever the hell Steve Bannon is up to
57. Every time he mentions North Korea, church attendance across the country spikes
58. Given his preferred skin tone, someone’s gonna score some bucks selling “Trump puts the Peach in Impeachment” t-shirts should the time come
59. Created jobs for 2 additional trainers hired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg to keep her alive
60. Thanks to all its mentions on the news, now a majority of KKK members know how to spell the name of their organization
61. Ensured that Chuck Schumer is no longer always the most annoying politician from NYC
62. Turned Marvel Comics’ upcoming Secret Empire event into at least half documentary
63. Met with Chinese leadership and not once demanded to meet General Tso
64. Set the bar relatively low for any number of future Presidents Kardhasian
65. Hired exactly the right staff to still look like the smartest guy in the room
66. Talked Paul Ryan out of original Obamacare replacement plan: An Advil and two Band-Aids
67. Has so far not been able to deport the guys who mow my lawn
68. Has yet to give the Avengers a reason to assemble against him
69. Abandoned attempt to claim White House was haunted once he was told this would not help him meet those lady Ghostbusters
70. Has only wandered past a White House tour group with his bathrobe open three and a half times
71. Has cut his late night “I’ve got no idea what the fuck I’m doing could I hire your dad to take care of some guys for me?” calls to Ted Cruz down to one a week
72. Set world record for mental impairment diagnosis: somewhere south of 140 characters
73. Has kept Toby Keith busy writing new National Anthem
74. Has helped Lee Greenwood almost catch up on his mortgage payments
75. Nightly news of Trump activities keep Democrats too busy to really look into how they fucked up in 2016
76. Almost always remembers to let Melania out of the Tower every other day or so
77. Has helped remind some people that MSNBC still exists and did not go off the air 12 years ago
78. Might be a rich politician from NYC, but at least he hasn’t tried to take anyone’s soda away
79. Openness to letting everyone own any kind of gun they want will eventually thin the ranks of his supporters by natural selection
80. Has so far not gone through with his Executive Order declaring himself Batman
81. Exact status of his tax returns will one day drive the storyline of one hell of an episode of Scooby-Doo
82. Has managed to keep his campaign engine running at top shape and ready to defeat Hillary Clinton the next time it needs to
83. Chose not to show off and make Democrats feel bad and therefore only kept about five or six campaign promises when he could have totally done them all in the first week, let me tell you
84. Without anyone realizing it, has turned Sean Spicer into the star of a reality prank show called “The Joke’s On You…Period!” that’s getting the best ratings of Trump’s career
85. Had mostly left Japan alone because of how much his sons loved their Shogun Warriors toys when they were kids
86. Has said so many positive things about Brexit in an attempt to keep Hugh Grant from making any more movies
87. Has kept it a secret that he’s really only playing so much golf so he can join the US team at the next Olympics
88. Multiple protests against him are all just part of his plan to get people exercising more
89. Just submitted a really soothing color scheme to be used on our side of the wall
90. Has pitched multiple Snapchat filters to celebrate his birthday because he wants to share with the little people
91. Compiled a list of nearly a dozen rich people who won’t do well under his proposed tax plan in case anyone in the fake media asks him about it
92. Has gone one record saying that Greedo didn’t shoot first
93. Has a mini shortcake sent to Little Marco Rubio’s office every Thursday with a card that says “You’re small, Marco”
94. Satisfied his urge to start a war by playing countless hours of Contra on an old NES
95. Has only tried to take a loan out using the White House as collateral three times
96. By being elected he forced a lot of media outlets to hold onto their “house conservatives”, people who would be unemployable in any other circumstances
97. His actions forced a bunch of his supporters to pipe down on social media after not being able to shut up all through November, December and January
98. Allowed a bunch of people to add “Survive nuclear holocaust” to their bucket lists
99. Somehow managed to pay less in taxes than many of his supporters, not that we’ll ever know for sure
100. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that a Top 100 List is an exponentially worse idea than a Top Ten List

T “you’re on your own for the second 100 days” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s longer and more satisfying than anything Anthony Weiner texted you last month.

And speaking of which, this week Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin announced that she was separating from her husband, Anthony Weiner, after the New York Post reported new sexting allegations against him. She said the couple will share custody of their son, but all of Weiner’s dick pics will remain in his custody. His and the approximately 300 women with whom he’s currently sharing them.

According to Arizona officials, Russian hackers breached a computer used by county election officials. The state officials were tipped off to the breach when the newest polls showed that Ivan McCainovich had a commanding lead in this week’s primary.

Former Alaska governor and perennial punchline Sarah Palin fell last week and suffered a head injury. Unfortunately for her, the fall was not hard enough to induce a state of amnesia so she’ll be forced to continue to remember everything she’s ever said in every interview she’s given over the last eight years.

 

The scientific community was rocked this week when reports of a potential radio signal coming from space was leaked to the media. The SETI community immediately called for all radio telescopes to be pointed toward HD 164595 to see if there’s anything more to the message besides the single word “Khaaaaaaaaaaan!”

An EU ruling said this week that Ireland must collect up to $14.6 billion in unpaid taxes from Apple. And in other tech news, Apple announced a September 7 unveiling of its new phones and computers and expects to be able to pay off this debt by lunchtime.

A SpaceX rocket was destroyed this week after it blew up on the launchpad during a prelaunch check. The rocket was carrying a satellite owned by Facebook, which means that the latest Facebook project, something they call a “Death Star,” is going to be a little behind schedule.

This news does means that Mark Zuckerberg is all of a sudden reconsidering his aversion to a Facebook “Dislike” button.

Florida Senator and former Presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary this week in his quest for reelection. When asked, Rubio said he couldn’t promise that he will serve his full 6-year term if he wins this November. And that’s fair, because a lot can happen in six years and no one can say what might change in the future. In fact, the only thing Rubio could promise is that he’ll definitely lose one more run for the White House before he retires. Maybe two. He’s young enough.

Brock Turner, the 22-year-old student who was convicted of sexual assault but sentenced to only six months, was set free this week after serving only three months of his sentence. Turner’s lenient treatment sparked outrage across the country, and this short time just served to make matters worse. The only silver lining in this whole story is that the justice system will have another chance to get it right after Turner’s second rape. And we all know there’s gonna be one. And maybe he can dedicate that one to Judge Aaron Persky, who let him off so easy the first time around.

This week Donald Trump went to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino. Trump was scheduled to stay overnight, but he said none of the food there was half as good as the taco salad in Trump Tower, so he had to go home.

After the meeting Trump said he didn’t talk with Pena Nino about how Mexico is supposed to be paying for the wall he wants to build. Apparently he was too busy keeping an eye out for any of the Mexican rapists and murderers Mexico hadn’t already sent into this country to start that conversation.

 

This week ABC announced the cast of the new season of Dancing With the Stars, and one of this year’s contestants is former Presidential candidate Rick Perry. Perry must think that if being on a reality show worked for Trump, it would work for him too. And ABC must just really need those three viewers that Perry’s likely to bring in.

Dancing With the Stars wasn’t Perry’s first choice, actually. Initially he wanted to be on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? But he wasn’t.

This week an Indian Minister recommended that foreign women not wear skirts when visiting the country. Which, oddly enough, is pretty close to a rule Hillary plans to have for any women visiting the White House while Bill’s around.

 

Singapore released thousands of mosquitos carrying bacteria to combat dengue fever. “The biggest drawback,” said an infectious disease expert, “is we don’t really know what’s going to happen.” And then the opening credits rolled for this latest SyFy original movie we’re all living in.

A US court ruled that grocery chain Trader Joe’s could proceed with a lawsuit against a Canadian store called Pirate Joe’s, which resold Trader Joe’s merchandise. But in Pirate Joe’s defense, the business plan is right up there in the name, and they should at least get some credit for that.

I mean, it’s not like Burger King has the balls to change its name to Tonight’s Stomach Cramps, right?

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino was found this week to have plagiarized his undergraduate thesis. Which solves the mystery of what he and Melania Trump could talk about when Donald had to step out of the room.

A family in Turkey got food poisoning at a dinner they organized to celebrate their recovery from food poisoning.They blame both instances on the pure dreaminess of the Dollar Menu.

A new study found that ramen noodles have replaced cigarettes as the most popular form of currency in US prisons. And just like that, your creepy college roommate is a prison millionaire.

A dog named Duke was elected mayor of a town in Minnesota for the third time this week. This despite the circulation of numerous photos of the mayor licking himself in public. And in a related story, Anthony Weiner announced he’s moving to Minnesota.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve recently discovered the oldest fossils ever found. The fossils, an advertisement for Larry King Live, are sure to open up a new view of humanity’s history on Earth.

 

The discovery of a 10-foot snakeskin in Westbrook, Maine, had local authorities worried that there was a large python in their midst – especially after a large snake was spotted eating a beaver by a lake this summer. However, a Texas scientist analyzed the snakeskin and discovered that it’s most likely not from a python but from an anaconda. So sleep easy, Westbrook. You don’t have a killer python in town. It’s just a killer anaconda. At which point Stephen King was like, “Wait, wait, wait, let me get this all down. A killer what?”

In sports news, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo fractured a bone in his back and will be out for 6–10 weeks. And worst of all for Romo, after this announcement oddsmakers gave the Cowboys a 10% better chance of making it to the Super Bowl this season.

The biggest headline in all this is that Tony Romo actually does have a backbone. Who knew?

And finally, according to a recent Fox News poll, more than half of US voters say the country is less safe than before 9/11. And in a completely unrelated story, Fox News just celebrated 15 years as the most popular cable news network in the country.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, the unofficial end of the summer for most people. I’m not sure how it works everywhere, but the end of summer is surprisingly easy to spot here in NYC, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer in NYC is over:

10. Coffee some jackass spills on you in the subway has fresh pumpkin scent

9. Mayor DiBlasio starts trying to pass off Penn Station homeless people as Halloween scarecrows

8. New York Jets get serious about coming up with an excuse for this year’s missed opportunities

7. Chance you’re going to see a back page headline about hockey increases by .06%

6. Only women left wandering the streets barely clothed are probably crazy

5. Annoying coworker stops boring you with stories about his beach house, starts boring you with stories about his fantasy football team

4. Line at Shake Shack is three blocks long (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things That Are True No Matter What Season It Is)

3. Subway rats start prepping for steady diet of candy corn and circus peanuts

2. New York Mets initiate latest plan to avoid winning a World Series Title

1. Mayor DiBlasio stops taking bribes for good parking spots at Coney Island, starts taking bribes for good seats at the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time. Unless you have something better to do. Literally anything better at all. Until then, enjoy that last weekend of preseason football like you’re never gonna see half these players again, because you’re not unless you happen to show up at Lowe’s during their second shift, see if you can guess which minority group Trump’s gonna piss off next, run out and buy a tube of that new KFC sunscreen before it sells out or gets recalled, whichever comes first, check your spam folder to see if maybe you too ever received a classified email from Hillary Clinton, start cruising the local McDonalds to see if they’re bringing back the McRib this year, don’t pick Tom Brady for your week 1 fantasy team, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “a little voice Inside my head said, ‘Don’t look back. You can never look back’” green