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By Tgreen, March 21, 2011 11:19 pm

25 years ago next week, during my last semester as a senior in high school, I created a comic strip for my friends. Sgt. Suarez and his Howling Commandos was poorly drawn, crudely lettered, and barely plotted, with a title that was a huge copyright violation all by itself. It was a mix of action and comedy designed to make fun of my classmates while kind of commenting on what was going on in the world at the time. Then final product wasn’t anything great, but the period of April-June 1986 is one of those crazy, ultra-creative periods of my life, and I’m happy with what I produced back then, eye-straining artwork and all.

The reason I’m thinking about this strip now, and writing about it here in this blog, is because of the massive case of deja vu I had when I realized this was its 25th anniversary. As I mentioned, the strip included current events in between the bad jokes at my friends’ expense. And two 1986 events that got major play in the strip were the nuclear disaster at Chernobyl and the bombings of Libya. And this week, as I contemplate a 25-year-old comic strip, what’s dominating the news? A nuclear disaster in Japan and the bombing of Libya. The more things change, huh?

Near as I can recall, in the comic strip an invasion of Libya accidentally led to a war with Canada, and somewhere in the middle of that the title character gains some sort of super power after being involved in a nuclear accident. Hey, I said it was barely plotted, and it’s probably been at least a decade since I read the damn thing. But nuclear disaster and Libya were definitely in there.

Later this week I’m gonna have to dig out the old strips and read them so I can see how all of this is gonna work out. I could scan some of them in and post them, but they’re so bad looking I’m not sure I should. And considering some of the stuff I’ve been willing to share with the world, that’s gotta tell you how bad these really must be. And yet they unknowingly offered a peek at the future, so that should count for something.

If only I could match that 1986 level of creativity and work in 2011. Then I’d have something.

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By Tgreen, December 17, 2010 1:00 pm

Stumbled across an article recently that offered some advice on what not to do at your office holiday party. It offers some good advice, as far as it goes, but it could do better.

Office parties are a strange ritual. Sure, it’s a party, and who doesn’t love a party? Free food. Maybe free booze. What’s not to like? But it’s a party with the same miserable bastards with whom, through no fault of your own, you’re trapped for 8 hours or more every day. Are free cookies and some store-brand egg nog enough to balance that out? Unlikely. And since it’s Christmas, there’s a good chance some fat coworker is going to be forced into a Santa suit and that’s just bad for everybody.

Over the decades I’ve been to more than a few office holiday parties, and I’m going to take a moment to share some of my hard-won knowledge to help you avoid the pitfalls so many others before you have encountered. I hope it’s not too late to save some of you. Everything mentioned on this page stems from a 100% true story. Only the names have been removed to protect the guilty. So, here are some things to keep in mind for this year’s office party:

Just Don’t Go
You can’t actually follow that bit of advice, but I do need to include it because it’s the simplest, most effective way to get you through the holiday season without either completely embarrassing yourself or accidentally dropping a hand grenade onto your career. Now that we’ve gotten the most obvious and least likely bit of business out of the way, let’s see what else we’ve got.

If the party’s being held in your office, at least make sure it’s not anywhere near your desk
All day long you sit at that desk, marking time until the grim reaper pays a visit. If they throw a party there, how festive can you be when you’re sitting in the same damn seat surrounded by the same damn page-a-day desk calendars and clipped Dilbert cartoons and pictures of your coworkers’ freakishly ugly families? At this point the only difference between regular work day and party is that there’s alcohol. And be honest, there are days when the addition of alcohol wouldn’t mark a difference between work day and party. Make sure those party planners plan something down the hall. Not only does it give you even the slightest change of scenery, but it’s easier to sneak out when things get dull, and if the party’s in your office, trust me, that’s gonna happen real soon.

If you see a senior VP doing the Chicken Dance and walking drunkenly into a wall, you did not see a senior VP doing the Chicken Dance and walking drunkenly into a wall, and you are obviously mistaken
Does this even need to be explained? The stupid behavior of anyone above you in the food chain operates under a cloak of invisibility. You didn’t see it. It didn’t happen. Exceptions include drunken passes that you’re not interested in, drunken passes you are interested in but are sober enough to recognize as a bad idea, and anything that involves on-site nudity.

Drunk people can bounce way better than sober people
See that drunk coworker downing the one glass of wine beyond what can be consumed without falling to the floor? Well, stand back. That drunk will go all wobbly, drop to the floor in what looks like slow motion, and get there without injury. If you try to interfere, odds are good your sober body, which possesses few Gumby-like properties, will trip and fall and possibly end up in the emergency room with a busted ankle. Simple rule: let them drop, have a good laugh at their expense, and then assess the damage.

If your coworker disappears for a half hour and then returns with a mysterious stain at the bottom of his shirt, don’t ask questions
Of course you want to know the answers, but you can’t ask. If a brag-worthy story led to the stain, you’ll eventually hear about it. And if it’s a stain of humiliation, it’s guaranteed someone witnessed it and by next Tuesday you’ll read all about it on Facebook. But during the party, look at the stain, accept its existence, and move on.

If the intern, who may or may not even be of legal drinking age for all you know, wants to make egg nog with a booze:nog ration of 2:1, it’s not your place to interfere
People need to learn from their mistakes. If you tell someone that’s too much booze, that person might listen to you but won’t know why. If that person nearly gives the entire company a serious case of alcohol poisoning, a lesson has been learned that will not soon be forgotten. That’s why you’re here, to teach.

You don’t want to get stuck with the pink frilly underwear at the end of the Yankee Swap
I mean, for one thing there’s a 50/50 chance you’re not even the correct gender to wear them. And for another, even if they fit you like a glove, do you want to cover your underwear zone with something that was previously manhandled by one of your coworkers? I thought not.

If you look around the room and realize everyone you work with looks like a freak, you’re probably in deep denial about how much of a freak you actually are
Seriously, your company employs 50 freaks and one super-cool normal guy? You’re cousin Marilyn to your company’s Munsters? Not likely, freak.

If the party venue offers any games of skill, like pool, darts, beer pong or even full-contact Jenga, let your boss win
Sure, the boss might seem too drunk to remember your victory dance, but odds are someone will, and then you can kiss that bonus goodbye.

If the coworker you’re crushing on brings a husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other of some sort, you cannot spend the night hating that person and plotting their demise
That’s what the new year is for.

If Santa shows up, give him a wide berth
Otherwise this might happen:

And no one wants this to happen.

For yet another consecutive year, the mistletoe belt buckle is a bad idea
It’s offensive, a potential fire hazard and, most importantly, there’s a decent chance it’ll attract the exact wrong person, and then where will you be?

If you have any kind of resentment against anyone you work with/for/or above, steer clear of the scotch (Or, to put it more clearly, everybody steer clear of the scotch)
Too many people think free booze = drink the good stuff. But if you live a Miller Lite lifestyle the other 364 nights of the year, trying on the Johnny Walker lifestyle for 1 corporate-sponsored evening is not going to go well. If you don’t know Johnny, you’re gonna think he’s your new best friend and when he eggs on your every crazy thought, you’re gonna open your mouth and say them all. But Johnny’s not your friend. He knows this is just a one night stand and he’s gonna do to you what usually happens on any one night stand, and it won’t be pretty. If there’s anyone you dislike enough to talk trash about, and if you have a job there’s at least one person there who qualifies, stick to your usual. You might still wake up with a headache the next morning, but at least that headache will still be employed.

If you just don’t care anymore what you say, order up a gin and tonic
Gin and tonic won’t make you less likely to say something stupid, but you’ll look classier as you get there.

So there you go, some hard-earned holiday wisdom to keep in mind as you venture out there for some corporate-mandated holiday cheer. Enjoy the season, and really enjoy that gin and tonic if that’s the route you choose to take. Happy Holidays!

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By Tgreen, August 8, 2010 11:51 pm

Could this possibly be the dirtiest movie poster for a mainstream movie? I think it just might be:

It’s almost like the studio knows the worst possible movie idea would be to make a CGI, 3D version of Yogi Bear, but they did it anyway, and so the only way to try and get out from under that turd burger is to make a promo poster that’s so disturbing, it immediately burns itself into your retinas and ensures that if nothing else, you’re aware that this movie exists. Now parents, if you’re wondering what to say if your kids ask, “What’s Yogi doing to Boo Boo?”, I can’t help you. You’re on your own there. Mostly because I don’t want to believe what this picture makes me suspect, but that tagline really kind of seals the deal, doesn’t it?

A common meme when the Star Wars prequels were coming out and disappointing legions of fans was the idea that “George Lucas raped my childhood.” I scoffed at anyone who said anything like that back then. But if anyone wanted to start complaining about their childhood getting raped by this movie, I’m not sure what I’d say. I mean, this picture kind of looks like my childhood is actually raping my childhood, and that creates a feedback loop of disturbing thoughts that no one should have to confront. Basically, if any Yogi Bear image anywhere can cause for even a moment the word “reacharound” to be pondered, something has gone totally awry. No wonder I hardly ever go to the movies anymore.

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By Tgreen, June 28, 2010 11:47 pm

Not sure if you’ve been following the news lately, but in Belgium this weekend authorities raided Church property as part of an investigation into sex abuse of minors by members of the clergy. The Pope, not surprisingly, called the raid “deplorable.” And why wouldn’t he? He said he was going to handle it, and these governments think they know best and proceed with their own investigations anyway. Doesn’t anyone understand that it takes time for the Pope to put together a decent investigation? I blame Hollywood. All their police procedurals on TV have people thinking any investigation can be banged out in an hour, less commercials, or maybe 2 hours during sweeps with a special guest appearance by David Caruso. The truth is, investigations take much longer, and Belgium should’ve just chilled out and let the Pope get to this investigation in his own time.

I mean, the man has to contend with a decades-long coverup perpetrated by one of the world’s largest and most powerful organizations. And worse yet, some parts of that coverup were run by exactly the kind of crafty genius who gets himself elected Pope. How would you like it if you spent the bulk of your career moving the criminals around and paying off the victims and hiding the evidence and denying there was a problem and then all of a sudden you’re in charge of the whole shebang and it’s your job to figure out what happened? How could you possibly know what happened? You just spent several decades making sure no one would know what happened, and you were very good at your job, so how can anyone expect you to just solve this one in a mere half decade in charge? It’s not like you even had a problem with the kid-rape for your whole time in office. You looked the other way like all your predecessors did for a couple of years, so anyone expecting you to have this all fixed already was just expecting a miracle, and we all know how often those come around.

So if you’re the Pope, there’s no doubt this weekend’s actions were deplorable. You’re out there spreading the word that it’s now bad to rape children and cover it up, while it’s entirely possible that in some of the far-flung corners of your empire, your minions haven’t gotten the message and are still raping kids and lying about it and moving the rapists along so they can do it all over again the next town over. Yeah, the Church is a big place. No doubt everyone hasn’t gotten the message yet and some of them are still living in the dark ages — the 1960s, a prime time for kid raping in the Church. But that was the old way, the 20th Century way, and we’re in the 21st Century now, a whole century after all this happened, and it can take a Pope a couple of years to make sure everyone has a copy of the new non-child-raping rule book. The Belgians couldn’t wait a little longer to let a Pope do his job? Deplorable.

So in these troubled times for the Pope, I have a tiny bit of advice. Next time you’re feeling down because the Belgians raid a Church or some liberal news outlet with nothing better to do rehashes the same old stories,you should just remember to…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

Disclaimer: The author feels this would be a good place to mention that he is not, in any way, shape or form, endorsing the rape of children. He’s not a good enough Catholic to do so.

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By Tgreen, June 13, 2010 9:38 pm

Star Wars was a great movie, but it was The Empire Strikes Back that turned the franchise into a religion. Think about it. The original Star Wars was cool, it told a story, and it had a nice, neat ending where the good guys won and the bad guys got their asses kicked. You can have a lot of fun with that, but you don’t make a bazillion dollars and create a nerd army ready to kill for you. No, to do that, you need a sequel. And not just any sequel. If the first Star Wars sequel had been less Godfather II and more Caddyshack 2, I would not be sitting here writing this and you would not be wearing your Ewok Underoos while reading it. So a sequel. A good sequel. And that’s what we got with The Empire Strikes Back.

Though not right away. The Empire Strikes Back wasn’t actually the first Star Wars sequel. Not really. Before we got that, we got this:

Okay, maybe not strictly a sequel, but it was the first time our characters appeared on film since the movie, so I think we have to count it. Even if George Lucas would probably trade all the money he made off of those boxes of C3PO cereal he sold in the 80s to get us to forget the sight of Bea Arthur singing in the cantina, this thing happened and so we’re counting it.

In fact, The Empire Strikes Back isn’t even the second sequel. That honor goes to this book:

I remember seeing this book in the library in 1978 or 1979, reading it dozens of times, and eventually buying my own copy, which I also read dozens of times. Still probably have it in storage somewhere. But this book was an honest to goodness continuation of the Star Wars story, with Luke and Leia and Darth Vader and a lightsaber duel. Couldn’t ask for much more than that if you were a prepubescent Star Wars geek whose only other contact with Star Wars at the time was the Marvel Comics series, which occasionally featured a 6′-tall green rabbit (see previous Star Wars post for more of the gory details).

No, Splinter of the Mind’s Eye was a real sequel, and only recently did I find out how true that is. Apparently, when George Lucas was making Star Wars, he had no idea if it would be a hit or a flop so he commissioned 2 sequels in book form that, if necessary, could be turned into low-budget movies if there was no big money to make sequels. Obviously, the first movie was a hit, big budget sequels were a given, and so Splinter was released as a book that pretty much was contradicted by everything filmed afterwards (uh, yeah, Luke and Leia really seemed to have the hots for each other in this one and as we know, that would turn out to be really inappropriate). It was fun, but it was doomed to be a tiny footnote in the overall Star Wars saga. Which brings us to the first real, big deal, not a Golden Girl in sight Star Wars sequel, which I first saw in theaters some time in June, 1980, and which I then spent a whole summer reliving with this:

I think I may have bought the book before seeing the movie, but I’m not sure. I know for sure the book cover was the first time I ever saw the poster for the movie in color. And I know I didn’t read the book until seeing the movie and I doubt I had the self-control to own the book and not take a peek, so maybe I just missed the poster entirely while at the theater to see the movie. I know for sure I loved the book. I interacted with these movies so much more with the books back in these pre-VCR or -DVD years. And so after seeing the movie in the theaters twice, the book let me go back to the story whenever I wanted. The book, and this:

Yes, the movie in all its big glossy comic book glory. I read the hell out of this thing. Copied that picture of Darth Vader many times as it turned out to be the only thing I could do as a kid that could impress girls. Sad, but a Star Wars geek will take what he can get, and for me it was Darth Vader pictures. It’s facts like this that make me wonder how I ever got a girl to let me see her naked.

Odd little side note to that Marvel comics adaptation. It came out in 3 versions. The big magazine whose cover I copied, as monthly installments of the regular comics series, and a small paperback with the same cover as the magazine. Marvel did the adaptation while the movie was being made, so it worked with early drafts of the script and concept art, without being able to see the actual movie. So given how things change during a movie’s production, and how the paperback version of the adaptation went to press earlier than the other 2 versions, the paperback version has Luke being trained by a Yoda you might not recognize:

They managed to redraw Yoda in time for the magazine and comic books, to save our childhood heads from exploding. I didn’t own the paperback book, but I did own all 6 issues of the comic book in addition to the magazine, because even at that young age I needed to find as many ways as possible to throw my money at George Lucas. Another way I found was by getting this:

Star Wars music on cassette tape. That was the way to go back in 1980. I think I had to get it twice, because the first one was defective. Ever get a cassette tape that played to the end and the tape came loose so you could never play it again? This was one of those. I’ve owned a couple of versions of the music from all of these movies over the years, but I think The Empire Strikes Back had my favorite soundtrack of them all. Not sure why, but I think it’s the best one. Sounds way better on CD than it did on cassette tape, too. But crack open one of the comics, crank the cassette player, and you could pretty much guarantee someone bigger than you would want to kick your ass before the afternoon was over. Good thing I knew how to fight back.

There was one other way to keep up with a Star Wars movie back in the day, and it’s a way that’s pretty much disappeared by now. I’m talking about the official satire of the movie, as you might find here:

Mad Magazine still exists, barely, as a quarterly magazine, so if you really want to catch a spoof of a movie you liked, you might be able to even a decade deep into the 21st Century. But back in 1980, there was actually competition for such things, and if you really wanted to, you could drop a couple of bucks to compare and contrast:

Crazy Magazine was done by the same people who ran Marvel Comics, so not only were they first to the newsstand, but they had the wrong Yoda in their spoof. In the 30 years since I’ve forgotten if any of these were any good, but I’m sure I laughed my 12-year-old butt off at the time.

So, there it is, The Empire Strikes Back, named by some one of the better sequels in movie history, and often considered the best of the Star Wars movies. And I can understand why. It was bigger, faster, and louder than the first movie. It introduced a bunch of new stuff to the saga and threw in a twist and a downer ending that almost anyone knows even if they don’t care about these movies.

But what it also did was take the first step into a larger saga that, if you really look at it, doesn’t have a whole lot of room for the original movie. Five sequels later and the movies all more or less fit together into one neat story, except for the original Star Wars. There’s stuff in there that doesn’t quite match the layers of extra story George Lucas ladled onto it over the years. So while The Empire Strikes Back is easily the best Star Wars sequel, it loses many points because of what it did to the original. Though if I could dig out a copy of the comics adaptation tonight, I’d probably read it.

See you back here, or somewhere, in 3 years as we celebrate 30 years of The Return of the Jedi. Might take me that long to come up with enough positive things to write about it.

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By Tgreen, June 3, 2010 12:31 am

More doodling with Brushes. Not much time to do anything more these days.

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By Tgreen, May 12, 2010 12:45 am

Loosely based on some guy on tonight’s D train. Drawn in Brushes on the iPad.

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By Tgreen, May 9, 2010 7:35 pm

Messed with the iPhone Brushes app and then the Strip Designer app to get this:

I’ve got the same two apps for the iPad, and big plans for them both, so look out.

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By Tgreen, May 8, 2010 1:21 am

Just messing around with the Brushes app on the iPad:

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By Tgreen, April 21, 2010 10:25 pm

This post is from May 28, 2007, and originally appeared in T & Sympathy on the Treetop Lounge site upon the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Star Wars . With the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back looming, I figured I’d post this here so that when I write about Empire, there’ll be some context. I hope you enjoy this repeat of a glimpse into the soul of a geek:

You know, earlier this year I got through my 39th birthday without a hitch. I didn’t spend even one second thinking about how old I am, so I sure as hell didn’t waste time feeling old. But that was then. Now, with the 30th anniversary of the release of Star Wars coming this Friday, I realize that I am, in fact, quite old. That was 30 years ago? I can still remember it so clearly (but don’t ask me what I did last Thursday, because there’s no way in hell I can remember that). But Star Wars? Thirty years ago? Is that even possible?

One thing I do know is that I didn’t see Star Wars on its opening day. Even if I’d wanted to, and even if I’d been able to harass my mom into taking me, I’m not sure the movie was open anywhere near me that first day. I’m pretty sure that Empire Strikes Back opened in Brooklyn a couple of weeks after it opened in Manhattan, and I know for a fact that Return of the Jedi opened on the same day everywhere (since I was there for the 3:00 show), but I don’t know what the deal was with Star Wars. I just know I didn’t see it until sometime in June, or possibly even July or August.

Which is not to say that I lived a Star Wars-free existence for all that time. Oh, no. I can recall seeing commercials for it in the late winter and early spring. And oddly enough, considering what came next, I don’t remember thinking that Star Wars was a movie I had to see. In fact, I had the opposite reaction and figured I’d end up passing. I don’t think I went to the movies too often back then anyway. If I did, I barely remember them.

But then Star Wars opened and at some point kids in school started to see it and the word in the school yard was that this movie was great. Incredible. Must-see. The most amazing thing ever put on film. Plus, there were comics, including what was probably my first direct encounter with the Star Wars universe:

Yeah, okay, this was probably not the best way for someone to be introduced to the whole Star Wars concept, seeing as it takes place after the movie, includes only two characters who actually appeared in the movie, and features a six-foot-tall green bunny rabbit with guns. Just try and imagine how hard my 9-year-old brain worked to resolve this picture with the scraps of information I’d been given by my friends who’d already seen the movie. Let me tell you, no one had mentioned any big green bunnies before.

Fortunately, it didn’t take long to stumble across another comic that actually introduced me to the real Star Wars story:

This was a gigantic comic book printed on paper so thin and cheap that I think it began to turn yellow the instant I opened it. But the important thing was it contained 3 full issues of Marvel’s Star Wars comic, which covered about half of the Star Wars movie. I still hadn’t seen the movie, but now I had some idea of what it was about and it just made me want to see it more. And if I couldn’t see it, then at least I wanted to read the second half, but that second half proved to be very elusive and I didn’t track it down until many, many months later while being dragged on a shopping trip by my mom because I was taking a sick day from school. By the time I found the second half of the comic adaptation, I’d seen the movie and was desperate for more, but since there were no VCRs and no DVDs, this holy grail offered me the chance to relive the whole story whenever I wanted:

So yeah, when I think of Star Wars, I don’t always think of the movie first; I think of these comics. Or, I think of this:

I got this maybe a year after the movie came out, and I read it so often that I eventually had to tape the damn thing together with duct tape to keep it from turning into a random pile of pages that might or might not remain in the proper order. I actually picked up another copy of this back in the mid-90s in a used book store in San Francisco. It was an earlier edition than mine, and in way better condition. I never read it, though. Turns out it’s just not the same without the duct tape. Anyway, this book claimed to be from “The Adventures of Luke Skywalker,” which led me to imagine a long series of other such adventures, which never really happened in novel form for a couple of decades. For many years, while waiting for the VCR to come along, then for my family to get one, then for Star Wars to turn up on video, if I was interested in the story, I’d read this book or I’d read the comics or I’d be flat out of luck. In this day where there’s probably 2 or 3 different versions of the entire saga available at your local Best Buy, my story seems pretty sad, huh?

But you know what? I don’t think I agree. Because by reading the book, and reading the comics, I got to read some scenes that never made it to the movie, but sure did flesh out the story a little bit more. And I got to take those little clues as to how everyone got where they were at the start of the movie and imagine my own version of the Clone Wars and the Jedi and how Darth Vader got into that big black suit. And after so many years of those ideas percolating in the back of my head thanks to the spark these books set off in my overactive 9-year-old imagination, I watched the prequels with a profound sense of disappointment,
because their story wasn’t as good as mine. So on the 30th Anniversary, I might watch Star Wars again (probably on my VHS because it’s the only version I’ve got that’s not all Special Editioned), but if I don’t have the time instead I might just read this:

I never knew this existed when I was a kid, but a couple of years ago I picked it up dirt cheap on eBay. Yeah, the pages are big and cheap and yellowed, but this is my Star Wars and if I’ve gotta acknowledge that 30 years have passed since it first appeared, I might as well do so on my own terms. And if I really want to go all ultra-super-mega-geek, I’ll read it while playing a few selections from this:

My first CD boxed set ever. Damn you, George Lucas. I mean, thanks for the great movie and somewhat lame sequels and prequels and for helping set me on this creative path that sure as hell hasn’t worked out so well for me so far, and I hope you’ve enjoyed all the money I’ve thrown your way over the years, but still, damn you all to hell for creating something that inspired this big long geeky page.

T “these are not the droids you’re looking for” green

And, as always, T & Sympathy is brought to you by the Star Wars collection from Kenner. May the Force be with you, and your children…

The original version of this included a YouTube video of an old Kenner Star Wars toy commercial that has since been pulled for copyright reasons. Sorry I can’t include it here.