Since the era of FDR, I think, people have used a new President’s first 100 days in office as a shorthand way to assess how he’s doing. As the days counted down on Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, his administration started scrambling like a C student in high school who has a book report on To Kill A Mockingbird due at the end of the week and he doesn’t even know what a mockingbird is, much less why anyone would need to kill one. And the reason behind this scramble is a perceived lack of accomplishment on the part of the new Trump Administration. And this could not be further from the truth. Donald Trump, in his first 100 days, has accomplished some fantastic things. A huge amount of things, let me tell you. Way more than Hillary accomplished. Or Obama or Bush or any other President. And you’ll see exactly what he’s done when you take a peek (though for your own safety I would advise that you not do it) at…

Tgreen’s Top 100 Things Donald Trump Accomplished In His First 100 Days:

1. Gave Stephen Colbert enough of a ratings boost to stick it to Jimmy Fallon
2. Signed executive order banning Jar-Jar from being in any of the new Star Wars movies
3. Kept Vice President Christie and Supreme Court Justice Giuliani as players in your nightmare and not an actual thing
4. Left a trail of $100 bills to lead unsuspecting followers straight to the offices of Goldman Sachs
5. Got Layla added to White House karaoke machine
6. Finally broke the glass ceiling to get some rich white guys into government
7. Crushed ISIS on Day 1, though he was not expecting ISIS’s identical twin cousin to arrive on the scene so quickly and start causing trouble
8. Guaranteed that whatever part of NAFTA ensures a steady supply of Timbits will not be renegotiated
9. Stopped three terrorists on the 6th hole at Mar-a-lago and birdied the hole while bringing them in
10. Ensured George W. Bush will forever never be worse than second-least articulate President
11. Inspired at least five different plot lines for Lex Luthor in the next two year’s worth of Superman comics
12. Introduced legislation to prevent any Three Stooges marathon from showing more than two Shemps in a row
13. Created 10K new jobs in the spray tan dye manufacturing industry
14. Helped keep Alec Baldwin from having too much free time
15. Guaranteed that there will be no shortage of potential stars of his inevitable biopic
16. Helped whoever picked 87% as the percentage of things he’d blame Obama for win a tidy sum
17. Took down Obamacare about as effectively as Boss Hogg took down the Duke boys
18. Did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski
19. Found a way to get Billy Bush off your TV screen
20. Introduced the country to the raw sensual heat that is VP Mike Pence
21. Even if it was only for a few minutes, allowed Newt Gingrich to be the voice of reason somewhere, some how
22. Prevented Hillary Clinton from bombing Syria and turning our government over to the leeches at Goldman Sachs
23. Did almost as much to prevent President George Pataki as George Pataki did
24. Worked double time to make telling the truth just one of several options in your everyday interactions
25. Kicked off investigation into why the McRib is not a regular menu item anymore
26. Set new White House Buffalo Wing eating contest record
27. So far has resisted the urge to turn the Department of Education into a subsidiary of Trump University
28. Managed to outpace the One Lie a Day that most people predicted for him
29. Proved that Mitt Romney was right to call Russia our #1 enemy back in 2012
30. Did not grab Angela Merkel by the pussy, as far as we know
31. Managed to outlast both Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly
32. Sent Kellyann Conway to the cornfield without anyone noticing
33. Found a way to make Kim Jong Un seem like a sober world leader
34. Promised that immigrants will always have a place here, and by here we mean working for less than minimum wage at some Trump-owned company
35. Proved that orange Kool-Aid is apparently the best Kool-Aid
36. Continues to do whatever he has to do to make sure we never have to see that tape of two Russian hookers peeing on him
37. Inspired John McCain to start his own revolution, which apparently involves voting for every Trump nominee
38. Makes Groot seem like the picture of eloquence
39. Has so far not actually hired Sarah Palin to do anything
40. Gave his kids jobs when it was obvious nobody else would
41. Put the bop in the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop
42. Also put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong
43. Has allowed his old Tweets to turn into some kind of Museum of Delusion and seems perfectly okay with this
44. Proved what we always suspected: reading is for nerds and science is for Poindexters
45. Was somehow involved in helping Roger Kraft get another Super Bowl ring to replace the one Putin stole
46. Hired Ben Carson, which proved every useless and unqualified person in his Contacts list isn’t white
47. Lack of praiseworthy results has allowed conservative news outlets to blow through their inventory of anti-Obama and anti-Hillary stories
48. Pictures of Trump in a truck show potential post-White House career as star of Convoy reboot
49. Manages to keep his lips from moving any time Sean Hannity talks
50. Scored a huge donation from the chocolate cake lobby recently
51. Gave Ted Nugent an excuse to get out of the house, which if nothing else made his family happy for a couple of hours
52. Is choosing to kill the environment in baby steps so at least we have time to document it
53. Hiring Rick Perry ensures that George W. Bush will only ever be the second dumbest man from Texas to work in the Federal government
54. Allowed Jeb Bush the chance to work that old Bush magic on the Florida Marlins, thus lifting the chances for all other NL East teams
55. Doing so much business at Mar-a-lago ensures that only the richest spy agencies will have a shot at learning what he’s up to
56. Creation of “fake news” debate forces media too be focused on itself to keep a close eye on whatever the hell Steve Bannon is up to
57. Every time he mentions North Korea, church attendance across the country spikes
58. Given his preferred skin tone, someone’s gonna score some bucks selling “Trump puts the Peach in Impeachment” t-shirts should the time come
59. Created jobs for 2 additional trainers hired by Ruth Bader Ginsburg to keep her alive
60. Thanks to all its mentions on the news, now a majority of KKK members know how to spell the name of their organization
61. Ensured that Chuck Schumer is no longer always the most annoying politician from NYC
62. Turned Marvel Comics’ upcoming Secret Empire event into at least half documentary
63. Met with Chinese leadership and not once demanded to meet General Tso
64. Set the bar relatively low for any number of future Presidents Kardhasian
65. Hired exactly the right staff to still look like the smartest guy in the room
66. Talked Paul Ryan out of original Obamacare replacement plan: An Advil and two Band-Aids
67. Has so far not been able to deport the guys who mow my lawn
68. Has yet to give the Avengers a reason to assemble against him
69. Abandoned attempt to claim White House was haunted once he was told this would not help him meet those lady Ghostbusters
70. Has only wandered past a White House tour group with his bathrobe open three and a half times
71. Has cut his late night “I’ve got no idea what the fuck I’m doing could I hire your dad to take care of some guys for me?” calls to Ted Cruz down to one a week
72. Set world record for mental impairment diagnosis: somewhere south of 140 characters
73. Has kept Toby Keith busy writing new National Anthem
74. Has helped Lee Greenwood almost catch up on his mortgage payments
75. Nightly news of Trump activities keep Democrats too busy to really look into how they fucked up in 2016
76. Almost always remembers to let Melania out of the Tower every other day or so
77. Has helped remind some people that MSNBC still exists and did not go off the air 12 years ago
78. Might be a rich politician from NYC, but at least he hasn’t tried to take anyone’s soda away
79. Openness to letting everyone own any kind of gun they want will eventually thin the ranks of his supporters by natural selection
80. Has so far not gone through with his Executive Order declaring himself Batman
81. Exact status of his tax returns will one day drive the storyline of one hell of an episode of Scooby-Doo
82. Has managed to keep his campaign engine running at top shape and ready to defeat Hillary Clinton the next time it needs to
83. Chose not to show off and make Democrats feel bad and therefore only kept about five or six campaign promises when he could have totally done them all in the first week, let me tell you
84. Without anyone realizing it, has turned Sean Spicer into the star of a reality prank show called “The Joke’s On You…Period!” that’s getting the best ratings of Trump’s career
85. Had mostly left Japan alone because of how much his sons loved their Shogun Warriors toys when they were kids
86. Has said so many positive things about Brexit in an attempt to keep Hugh Grant from making any more movies
87. Has kept it a secret that he’s really only playing so much golf so he can join the US team at the next Olympics
88. Multiple protests against him are all just part of his plan to get people exercising more
89. Just submitted a really soothing color scheme to be used on our side of the wall
90. Has pitched multiple Snapchat filters to celebrate his birthday because he wants to share with the little people
91. Compiled a list of nearly a dozen rich people who won’t do well under his proposed tax plan in case anyone in the fake media asks him about it
92. Has gone one record saying that Greedo didn’t shoot first
93. Has a mini shortcake sent to Little Marco Rubio’s office every Thursday with a card that says “You’re small, Marco”
94. Satisfied his urge to start a war by playing countless hours of Contra on an old NES
95. Has only tried to take a loan out using the White House as collateral three times
96. By being elected he forced a lot of media outlets to hold onto their “house conservatives”, people who would be unemployable in any other circumstances
97. His actions forced a bunch of his supporters to pipe down on social media after not being able to shut up all through November, December and January
98. Allowed a bunch of people to add “Survive nuclear holocaust” to their bucket lists
99. Somehow managed to pay less in taxes than many of his supporters, not that we’ll ever know for sure
100. Proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that a Top 100 List is an exponentially worse idea than a Top Ten List

T “you’re on your own for the second 100 days” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your last stop before Nixon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno, the first woman to hold that position, died this week at age 78. But her legacy will live on forever, or at least as long as Will Ferrel can fit into a dress.

I have to admit it feels weird to use the phrase “first woman to hold that position” to describe anyone associated with Bill Clinton because, well, you know what I’m getting at here.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he had no memory of any of his aides describing the Bridgegate situation to him when they said in sworn testimony that they had done so. He said all he could recall from the day in question was his iPod hit him with Born to Run in the morning as he was getting dressed, his pork roll with cheese at breakfast had an extra slice of pork roll, he drove his car through a puddle and splashed a Democrat, the local McDonalds took his 2 for 1 Big Mac coupon even though it had expired, he beat Mitt Romney in a game of Risk, proving he would have made a better world leader, he got two cherries on his hot fudge sundae at dessert, and he went to bed listening to a 1985 Springsteen bootleg, but no, his memory was foggy on any mentions of bridge traffic.

An American satellite abandoned in 1967 has begun transmitting agin after 46 years. It’s first message was an NBC News clip saying it looks like nothing but smooth sailing for Dick Nixon in the 1972 election.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 55% this week, which is going to sound pretty ironic in 3…2…1…

Breaking News! The results of the 2016 Presidential Election are in! And America, are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy? I sure hope so, because President-elect Donald Trump just swung by Costco to buy the big box of Tic Tacs and he’s heading your way. Yes, as we all know, former reality show host and former WWE guest manager and former expert in bankruptcy law and longtime lingering dick ache Donald Trump was elected President this week. I got a peek at his upcoming schedule, and it looks pretty packed:

December: Rape trial

December: Racketeering trial

January: Inauguration

It’s gonna be a pretty busy couple of months for the President-elect, isn’t it? And it just stays busy, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things on Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Agenda:

10. Piss on Constitution, except for that Second Amendment part

9. Appoint Chris Christie Secretary of Taylor Ham

8. Send Obama back to his homeland in Kenya

7. Fire Chris Christie and tell him it’s Pork Roll, not Taylor Ham, stupid

6. Start working on list of which campaign promises he should break first

5. Figure out which room will be Putin’s

4. Launch search for new, younger Melania

3. Release decree declaring himself 44th President to erase every last sign that Obama existed

2. Find space for Giuliani’s crypt

1. Implement Order 66

I also got a peek at House Speaker Paul Ryan’s schedule and while he did scratch out Hillary’s name from his January 21st Impeachment hearing, the hearing itself is still on there. Huh, wonder what that means.

Donald Trump did get some other good news this week. That tax audit he kept going on about during the election? It’s been cancelled, effective 4PM, January 20, 2017. Everything’s coming up Donald!
Trump does have to get to work quickly to put together a cabinet. Some names being tossed around include Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and Chris Christie. There’s no way Christie fits in with this group, though. He hasn’t even cheated on one wife yet. Giuliani, Gingrich and Trump will just laugh at him in staff meetings if he doesn’t change that.

Though if he does get a job in the Trump administration, Christie might be the first cabinet member who needs to get a Presidential pardon before he gets a job offer.

I know, in hindsight some of Nixon’s guys could’ve used the same thing but no one knew that for sure until his second term kicked in.

I hear Sarah Palin’s name has come up too. But for god’s sake, don’t anybody say Dick Cheney’s name three times.

I’ll tell you, though, who knew the KKK endorsement would carry so much weight?

Just out of curiosity, since our new President is such an advocate of getting more guns into more people’s hands, does this mean the White House is now going to be an open carry zone? Asking for a friend.

Although really, no matter how you might feel about the results of this election, you have to accept that the people have spoken. I mean, the people have also made the Big Mac one of the biggest selling menu items in history and the people kept According to Jim on the air for like a thousand years, but still, the people have spoken. Slightly less than half the people who voted, but still. I mean, you can’t whine about the popular vote vs the Electoral College just because your candidate lost. Only the sorest of sore losers would do something like that.

Don’t go looking for those Tweets either, because he deleted them. For very Presidential reasons, no doubt. Man, I expect to look back at that old 18 1/2-minute gap in the tape as such a quaint thing to be upset about.

This week Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the Senate will move swiftly to repeal Obamacare. In its place, every American will receive a bottle of Robitussin and a SpongeBob Band Aid. Republicans can do this because they have the majority and Donald Trump has a mandate. Just remember, kids – and this knowledge will serve you well in the future – the way politics works is like this: when a Republican wins an election, it’s a mandate. When a Democrat wins an election, it’s an obstacle to find a way around.

There was an awkward moment when President Obama met with Donald Trump at the White House this week and Trump flipped Obama a quarter and asked for a shoe shine before the President showed up.

Trump could prove me a liar there but he didn’t allow the press to come with him to the meeting. Oh well.

Yeah, I think what I’m going to miss most of all is the First Amendment. I’ve grown somewhat fond of that one.

But you know, it’s not really a mystery why Trump won. He’s gonna drain the swamp. Yep, drain the swamp. Come on Donny, drain the swamp. Who wouldn’t want that? Who can look at the way our government has worked the last 30–40 years and honestly say that draining the swamp is a bad idea? Right?

But wait a second, what was that name I saw on Trump’s To Fuck The Country List? Newt Gingrich? Newt fucking Gingrich? Saying you’re draining the swamp and then bringing in Newt Gingrich is like, if I may go all comic book nerd on you for a second, kicking out the Heap but inviting Swamp Thing to drop by for a spell. And yes, there’s a much more obvious comic book character I could’ve used in that analogy there but I decided to spare you all from associating Newt Gingrich with the Giant-Sized Man-Thing. You’re welcome.

And you really want to drain the swamp? What was that other name I just saw up there? Mitch McConnell? Mitch fucking McConnell? Mitch McConnell is the fucking swamp. Think I’m being too partisan picking on two Republicans? That’s fair. The fact is, there’s people in Congress from both parties who got into office when at most there were only three Star Wars movies. At most. Only three. Yes, that’s a long fucking time ago in a galaxy right outside your fucking door. You want to drain the swamp, stop voting for these guys. You didn’t need Barack Obama to do that. You don’t need Donald Trump to do that.You just need to get up off your ass and educate yourself on the candidates and the issues and then you need to go out and vote and, oh, I see. I get it now. Never mind. This is how you get the country’s first social media President.

You see more Trump supporters on social media demanding that Amy Schumer keep her promise to leave the country if Trump is elected than you see Trump supporters demanding that Trump keep the promises he made to get elected in the first place. Though maybe that’s because it’s not clear which of Trump’s promises were real and which were just talk. I don’t want to say Trump did not always deliver a consistent message but the man has managed to end a sentence on the exact opposite side of an issue from where he started it. It’s good to keep an open mind, but your positions should at least stay in the same area code.

So we’ve got Trump, and we’ve got protestors, and we’ve even got Trump on the protestors.

Unfair? Un fucking fair? Trump thinks two days of protest aren’t fair? He doesn’t even have a bloated bag of dicks going on TV screaming that he wasn’t born in this country yet. Maybe it’s time for him to toughen up a little bit. Thicken the old orange hide. Because the fact is every President sparks an outrage in someone. Every President ends up with people hating him. Every President walks away with an approval rating parked well south of 50%, which means more than half the people can no longer stand the sight of him. Well, except the allegedly Kenyan one. He’s up around 55% now, and I suspect Trump might help bump him up another couple of points before January. So maybe it’s time for Trump to put the Twitter down and act like a President. Because the job gets a whole lot harder than a couple of days of protests.

I honestly don’t even know what the protestors expect to accomplish. What’s a protest going to do? That’s not the American way. We don’t protest when we get an election result we don’t like. When we get a President that for some reason scares us. No, what we do is we dehumanized the opposition. We work to undermine it. We work to bring the entire government to a standstill when we don’t get our way. We expend so much of our time and energy pointing out the shortcomings of the other side that there’s no time to make sure our own side is behaving properly, but we don’t care because the other side is clearly wrong and everyone needs to know it. We refuse to do the jobs to which we are elected because if we do them we might allow the opposition to accomplish something. We lie and we spread rumors. We interpret the Constitution in whatever way is the most convenient to our point of view on that particular day. We crank out propaganda 24/7 and we call it fair and we call it balanced and we wrap ourselves in our holy book of choice while acting in the most godless ways possible and we convince ourselves we’re right because the other side is evil. We ignore every principle we claim to have if we can get a leg up on the other side and we shame the other side if we think we caught it doing the same thing. We spend every day for 8 years bemoaning an election result we did not like and we work against our country’s own interests because we can’t afford to let the other side look good for even a second. And then when we finally do win again we immediately tell the losing side that the people have spoken and they need to get over it. Protesting? Only whiny children would ever think of protesting an election result.

But here we are, staring another Inauguration in the face. And I know this whole Happy Friday went off the rails paragraphs ago, but I also know nobody made it this far so I’m okay with it. Half the country is happy right now and half is miserable, as it should be. As it usually is after a big election. It’s worse now because there are people genuinely scared about what this all means, and they have genuinely good reasons for feeling that way. But it will pass, I think. Trump will take office and do whatever it is he’s going to do and the mood in this country will even out. As it does. As it must. And a year from now, all of today’s happy people and all of today’s miserable people will be able to agree…that we all made a terrible mistake.

See you next time for an anniversary and a break.

T “do you recall what was revealed the day the music died” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that would love to show you some new jokes, because believe me we have some of the greatest jokes of all time here, jokes like you would not believe, we’ve got plenty of them, but since Happy Friday is being audited we can’t show them to you right now.

A new survey released this week shows that 40% of the electorate doesn’t think either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump are funny. Which is weird, since I’ve considered them both a joke for over a year now.

Still, that statistic is not too bad, because it means 60% of the electorate does think they’re funny, which is 100% better than Happy Friday ever did in a poll like that.

A new analysis of unusual messages from deep in space has scientists believing they’re the work of alien intelligence. And if so, it appears they’re friendly aliens, since the most recent message is a JPG of their most popular book, a little something entitled To Serve Man.

Anheuser-Busch announced this week that it completed the world’s first beer shipment done by a self-driving truck. And in a related story, law enforcement officials announced that their recently-introduced self-driving Sheriff’s car obviously still needs some work.

This week Arby’s announced it will offer venison sandwiches in 6 deer-hunting states. This is a big step for Arby’s because it’s the first time they’re announcing up front exactly what animal it is they’re slipping between those buns.

Telecommunications giant AT&T bought Time Warner this week. The deal will now allow customers to get Time Warner content with the same speed and efficiency with which AT&T delivers its cell service. Which means if you start watching the Season 7 Game of Thrones trailer right now, it might stop freezing and skipping by the time the new season starts next year.

Hundreds of women in yoga pants marched through Barrington, Rhode Island this week to defend their right to wear them. And in related news, Bill Clinton spent the week campaigning for his wife Hillary in Rhode Island.

A hiker in California was attacked after he interrupted two bears in the process of mating. Apparently it wasn’t the interruption that got him in trouble as much as it was the attempt to join in.

A convenience store robber in Connecticut was arrested after he asked an officer for directions to a nearby pastry shop. If only he’d stolen a Twinkie along with everything else he’d probably still be free.

This week marked the 112th birthday of the NYC Subway. It also marked the 112th birthday of the first late A train.

The city of Jakarta, Indonesia, in an attempt to rid the place of rats, is offering a bounty of $1.59 per rat. And in related news, NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio was recently spotted chartering a really big plane and making several mysterious trips down into the subway before taking off in the general direction of Indonesia.

This week Twitter announced that it will be shutting down its Vine video service. And in other news, Twitter has a video service named Vine.

New emails released by Wikileaks appear to show that former President Bill Clinton used the Clinton Foundation to get rich by trading influence. When asked to comment on the latest controversy, Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that…uh, wait, sorry, that’s just a reflex response at this point.”

A drunk Texas teenager crashed her SUV into a patrol car after taking a topless Snapchat selfie, according to the most 2016 story of 2016.

The FBI announced that it found new emails that have compelled it to revisit the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server. The emails were found during the investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandal. You’ve gotta hand it to Hillary. If there’s one way to scare off both the FBI and Wikileaks from looking too closely at your email, the threat of finding a Carlos Danger dick pic in there is sure a good place to start.

Justin Timberlake got into some trouble this week for taking a selfie inside a voting booth while he cast his ballot, which is illegal in some states. Timberlake said he didn’t know this, and it’s not a surprise because a lot of people don’t know the rules about acceptable voting booth behavior, which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things You Can’t Do Inside a Voting Booth:

10. Cast your vote for this week’s Dancing With The Stars
9. Change into Superman
8. Have a 5-minute makeout session with Jimmy Fallon (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Justin Timberlake Can’t Do In A Voting Booth Anymore)
7. Try on a new pair of khakis
6. Call your weed guy
5. Go on Snapchat all Carlos Danger style
4. Accept a delivery from Dominos
3. Make a confession
2. Write a decent Top Ten list
1. Choose between two highly qualified candidates who spent the entire campaign season clearly and respectfully outlining their opposing views to ensure that the electorate is able to make an informed decision based entirely on the important issues of the day…at least not this year

And that’s all we have time for today. Until next time, keep your plane on the runway, try to get more tricks than treats, stop trying to pretend you give a crap about the World Series, be mindful of ghosts, don’t be the house that gives out circus peanuts for Halloween, open a tab, enjoy all 100 Floors of Frights, have a Fresca, play that funky music, white boy and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will only accept the results of this year’s election if Bill & Opus win and therefore is already prepared to be disappointed.

This week the American Psychological Association found that more than half of Americans identify the presidential election as a source of stress in their lives. The common denominator among those who don’t? The last name “Trump.”

The value of the peso rose to its highest level in nearly a month this week, which should make it that much easier for Mexico to pay for the wall.

An Australian inventor developed a device to convert old potatoes into a sustainable substitute for cheese. Next up, a device to convert Kraft Singles into a sustainable substitute for cheese.

A hospital in Utah recently billed a woman $39.95 for holding her own baby. Which sounds outrageous, but really it works out to only about 8 bucks per sister wife.

This week a driver in Newfoundland hit a moose while he was looking across the highway at the wreckage from a vehicle that had hit a moose. Or as this is known in Newfoundland, Tuesday.

A 24-year-old Florida woman asked her father to drive her to a job interview at a bank, which she then robbed. Her father said he should have been suspicious when he saw her resume was actually just a deposit slip with “This is a stickup” scrawled on the back.

This week Madonna offered oral sex to Hillary Clinton voters at an Amy Schumer concert, prompting a 3-point rise in the polls for Donald Trump.

But the good news is this almost ensures that Bill will vote for Hillary now.

Malaysia demanded this week that the Auntie Annie pretzel chain change the name of its Pretzel Dog because it doesn’t contain real dog. “Not so fast, Malaysia,” said an Auntie Annie spokesperson.

This week Met Life announced that after 31 years it was dropping Snoopy and the Peanuts gang as corporate mascots. Really, the writing’s been on the wall since they announced their new CEO was the Red Baron.

Donald Trump’s jokes about Hillary Clinton got him booed at a charity dinner this week. Trump denied the audience was booing him and instead suggested they were booing his ally Chris Christie for going back for thirds before most people had even finished their salad.

The US Postal Service has launched an investigation after a woman in Georgia says she filmed a postal employee dumping undelivered mail in the woods. And that must be the reason why you haven’t gotten a birthday card from me in the last 20 years.

This week the Guinness Book of World Records declared that a 2,970-foot long ice cream sundae in Michigan this summer was the longest ice cream dessert ever. The group that made the sundae was also awarded a second record for the longest argument over whether they’re called “sprinkles” or “jimmies.”

So after his performance in all three debates this year, plus his shrinking poll numbers, a lot of media outlets are saying Trump’s got basically no shot at winning the election. This could not be further from the truth, as you’ll see when you read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Trump Can Lock In A Win:

10. Reveal he’s secretly Iron Man

9. Get Wikileaks to release email correspondence between Hillary and that Nigerian prince

8. Yank wig off his head and announce vigorous anti-Superman campaign

7. Force Fox News to replace every other person who appears on camera with Sean Hannity

6. Divert Bill Clinton’s car past the nearest trailer park and record the results

5. Guarantee he will appoint Chris Christie to the post of Ambassador to McDonalds

4. Promise that his plan to get rid of all the bad hombres does not include getting rid of the Frito Bandito

3. Swap out Pence for Putin in the VP slot

2. Reveal he’s secretly Batman

1.Release spoilers for the next 3 Star Wars movies

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stay out of Wilmington, endorse this message, keep away from the shallow end, stop after the second margarita, enjoy your parfait, never reveal how many Boy George lyrics you actually know, reboot, reboot again, don’t be a puppet and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s starting to wonder if maybe somehow this whole election thing has gone just a little bit off the rails.

The first sign of this came an hour and a half before the second Presidential Debate, when Republican candidate Donald Trump held a surprise Facebook panel with women who have accused former President Bill Clinton of sexual misconduct. And grabbed each one of them by the pussy.

This week Samsung suspended production of the Galaxy Note 7 after reports that replacement models for phones that had caught on fire also were catching on fire. But in Samsung’s defense, the replacement fires were smaller than the original fires, so at least they were making progress.

In a related story, Samsung announced its new product line, the Samsung Galaxy Hand Warmer, coming to a store near you this holiday season.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus this week held an emergency call to declare that the party remains firmly behind Donald Trump. No word on if it’s behind him in a normal way, or the super-creepy way he stood behind Hillary Clinton at this week’s debate.

A new study shows that working over 25 hours per week after age 40 can lead to a decline in cognition. And apparently an increase in desire to write shitty Top Ten Lists.

This week Billy Bush was fired from the Today Show because of his appearance in Donald Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” video, thus inadvertently proving that the standards for hosting the 3rd hour of a network morning show are higher than for being the GOP nominee.

This week Donald Trump told his supporters to be sure to go out and vote on November 28. Which suggests he’s given up on being President and is now aiming to win this season of Dancing With the Stars.

The date mixup is all the proof you need that Trump’s not a career politician. The phrase is supposed to be “vote early and often,” not “vote 20 days too late.” Amateur.

Hillary’s from Chicago. I can guarantee you she knows all about how that works.

Oscar Mayer announced this week that it’s recalling some Lunchables due to allergen concerns. In a statement, Oscar Mayer said that anyone with food allergies would be completely safe, though, for “obvious reasons.”

This week Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated 15 happy years of marriage on the occasion of their 41st wedding anniversary.

This week’s debate was the first to ever appear on Iranian television. As advertisements for democracy go, it probably didn’t make the sale.

Excerpts from some of Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Wall Street execs were released by Wikileaks this week. Among them was a comment that politicians need to have “both a public and a private position.” She claimed that this was merely a comment on Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln. No word yet on what she meant when she said, “It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.”

Wow, after almost 21 years, a joke so nerdy even I wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t written it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin turned 64 this week and was given 450 birthday roses from his Parliament. And 300 new Hillary Clinton emails from Wikileaks.

This week singer/songwriter Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is cool and all, but it’s not nearly as prestigious as Jon Bon Jovi’s Nobel Prize in Getting Played A Lot On NJ Radio.

At a speech in Florida this week Donald Trump told supporters he was an “existential threat” to the political establishment. The rally was then halted for an hour as Trump struggled to find a term for “existential” that his supporters could understand.

This week Starbucks introduced a new drink that’s a mix of beer and espresso. Toss on in a cigarette and you could call this drink “Tgreen about five hours into any wedding in the early-to-mid–90s.”

And finally, this week Hillary Clinton was forced to answer under oath 25 questions about her private email system. She responded “do not recall” 20 times. It’s even worse than it sounds, though, because by question 23 she said that she no longer recalled questions 1 through 4.

Moral Question Department:

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you go to the movies or go home to watch Netflix?

A lot of people in the Northeast woke up this week to temperatures in the low 40s, which is as sure a sign as any that we’re not in summer anymore, Toto.

But some people need more than one sign, which is what I’m here for, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer Is Over:

10. When you go outside in shorts your legs are red from frostbite and not from sunburn

9. Burgers on the grill need to be examined closely for falling leaves

8. Slowly-decaying orange thing might be pumpkin and not Trump’s chance for getting elected

7. Loud neighbor stops annoying you with fantasy baseball talk and starts annoying you with fantasy football talk

6. Sports Illustrated includes hockey story somewhere around page 46

5. NJTransit issues last heat-related delay announcement of the year

4. Back-to-school commercials suddenly replaced by Halloween commercials

3. Favorite new show cancelled after three episodes

2. Start to see trailers for movies that don’t feature superheroes or star people you only know from Comedy Central

1. Landlord stops lying to you about why the A/C doesn’t work, starts lying to you about why the heat doesn’t work

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, buy your Doctor Strange tickets, root for Tony Romo’s speedy recovery so the Cowboys can suck again, watch some hockey, get ready for that third debate, be Presidential and grab someone by the pussy, run out and cut left, stay up all night thinking about 5 ways these campaigns could get even worse, be nice to your autocorrect, give it a rest, be kind, rewind and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “runner-up for the Nobel Prize in Happy Friday” green

March 10, 2006

This week a political grudge match was avoided when Dubai announced it would not be taking over control of several US ports and would instead be turing that authority over to an American “entity.” That entity? Halliburton. Who says nice guys have to finish last?

Okay, it’s not really Halliburton that’s getting the ports contract. But they could if they wanted to, now that we all know one of Dick Cheney’s negotiating tactics.

After Dubai’s announcement, President Bush expressed his disappointment in the deal’s failure. I think. Who can understand him?

The biggest loser in the whole ports fiasco? Is it President Bush? Sure, I could see how you’d think that, seeing as how his approval rating is plunging toward the margin of error and all that, but he’s not the biggest loser in all this. The biggest loser is the first opponent to the deal – New York Senator Chuck Schumer, because the deal got cancelled just as he was building up a big head of steam on camera. There goes his reality show deal.

Another big loser in all this? Hillary Clinton, because while she was slamming the deal on TV, husband Bill Clinton was apparently advising Dubai behind the scenes. Which is very similar to how the Clinton’s have operated in the past, with one not knowing what the other was doing. The only difference is that in the past, it was usually Bill doing the slamming.

In other news, NASA said this week that it’s discovered evidence of the existence of a geyser larger than Yellowstone’s Old Faithful on Enceladus, one of Saturn’s moons. The existence of a geyser opens the possibility of life in the solar system, because once you find a tourist attraction, can tourists be far behind?

This week Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book alleging that baseball star Barry Bonds used compounds such as steroids, insulin, and female fertility drugs to improve his performance over the past 8 years. Upon arriving in training camp Bonds denied the allegations, but had to cut his press conference short when he began ovulating.

The movie Crash won the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards last week in what some were calling the biggest upset ever. Now really, since Crash was one of the 5 nominees, was it really the biggest upset ever? If The Dukes of Hazzard had won, that would’ve been the biggest upset ever, since not only was it not nominated, but apparently if anyone admitted to even seeing it, they weren’t allowed to submit their Oscar ballot.

And speaking of them Dukes, have you seen the new Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson and Miss Piggy? I’m always amazed when they manage to get a completely artificial character to interact with real people. And they do a pretty good job with Miss Piggy too.

UN officials monitoring the spread of bird flu said this week that the deadly virus could reach the United States by mid-year, which means you all had better hurry and have your last McNugget while there’s just one way it could kill you.

Any of you folks reading this who live in New York have no doubt seen and read lots of coverage on the woman who disappeared from outside of a Soho bar, only to turn up raped and murdered in a field near Kennedy Airport. The NYPD is conducting an intense investigation into the tragic case, but apparently its work is being hampered by the media. Not the reporters trying to report the case, though. No, it’s being hampered by the writers of CSI:NY, Law & Order, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and Law & Order: Criminal Intent, who are all trying to get another ripped from the headlines episode on the air in time for May sweeps.

I hear the writers for the new Law & Order show Conviction were also planning to tag along, but then they realized there’s no way their show is still on the air by May, so they stayed home and worked on their resumes instead.

In sports news, the NFL owners and players have a new collective bargaining agreement in place after some tense negotiations and two deadline extensions. With the new agreement in place, the salary cap is increased, higher profile teams share revenue with lower profile teams, and John Madden will only be allowed to mention the word “turducken” twice per season. So everybody wins.

In other sports news, the World Baseball Classic continues. Apparently. Not that you can find anyone willing to admit they’ve watched it.

This week software giant Microsoft unveiled its latest product – the UMPC, or ultra-mobile PC – that plays videos, music, and games, and also runs standard Windows programs, comes with a can opener and corkscrew, can core a apple, and can also be used as a dessert topping or a floor wax. Microsoft expects sales of the UMPC to exceed all analysts’ expectations. Or else.

I don’t know about wherever you’re living, but here in New York City Springtime made a sudden appearance today. How do I know? It’s simple, I just took a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Springtime in New York:

10. Sightings of misplaced $1000 bills as Mayor Bloomberg begins Spring cleaning of his wallet
9. Senator Hillary Clinton has invisible electro-fence installed around Bill’s office building
8. Rev. Al Sharpton stops wearing thermal sweat suit at rallies
7. Steinbrenner starts showing up on the back page of the papers again
6. New York Islander players start reserving tee times for April

5. Homeless people strip down to 7 layers of winter coats
4. Trump puts winter ego into storage, has summer ego flown up from Florida for refurbishment
3. All work comes to a standstill as office resources are put to work on everyone’s NCAA brackets
2. Commuters stop grumbling about having to travel in the cold, start grumbling about having to work when it’s nice out
1. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten list

And that’s all we have time for this week. Stay tuned next week for either some St. Patrick’s Day humor, or stay tuned in two weeks for the big excuse why there was no St. Patrick’s Day humor. Ooh, the anticipation.

T “a cipher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday! Sorry about that.

A tractor trailer on I–68 in Maryland caught fire this week, burning a truckload of bacon and ribs. And in a related story, this week’s Happy Friday is coming to you from the shoulder of I–68 in Maryland.

In advertising news, this week Dos Equis named a new Most Interesting Man In The World. Don’t worry, though, the title of Least Interesting Man In The World is still a 3-way tie between that guy who sits one cube over from you at work and always talks about his Logan’s Run fanfic, the guy who sits next to you on the train every day and talks about his Fantasy Football team, and your brother-in-law the stamp enthusiast.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump said this week that he wants to debate without a moderator. And without an audience. And without any media fact checkers. And, frankly, without Hillary Clinton either.

This week Hillary Clinton fainted while leaving 9/11 memorial ceremonies early after becoming overheated. It was later revealed that she’d been diagnosed with pneumonia two days earlier. Fox News announced that its wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral will start five minutes ago.

A new interview from September 11, 2001, resurfaced this week and showed that Donald Trump, when asked his opinion on the World Trade Center attacks, chose to point out that his building at 40 Wall Street was once again the tallest building in lower Manhattan. He offered no hint as to how many more people would have had to die in order for him to also have the largest penis in lower Manhattan, but one suspects the smart money would be on “most of them.”

This week Hillary Clinton apologized for saying that half of Donald Trump’s supporters belong in a basket of deplorables, claiming that in reality she’d seriously underestimated that percentage.

She actually didn’t have to apologize for nearly three days because it took that long for the average Trump supporter to find out what “deplorable” meant.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the first time Hillary used the term “basket of deplorables.” Back in the 90s that’s how she referred to Bill’s scrotum.

This week Donald Trump did an interview with Larry King on King’s Russia Today talk show. The interview ended up being the third-most-watched program on Russian TV that night, coming in behind only Everybody Loves Putin and Better Call Putin, and just narrowly edging out According to Putin, Two Guys, a Girl and Putin, Putin and the Bear, and CSI: Minsk.

When asked this week if he would denounce former KKK leader David Duke, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said he didn’t like to name-call. Brother, did you ever join the wrong team.

This week it was revealed that Donald Trump once spent $20K of his charity’s money to purchase a portrait of himself. Clearly not one of those Dorian Gray ones, though.

New investigations discovered this week that in the 1960s, the sugar industry paid for two major studies that were designed to mask sugar’s potential role in coronary heart disease. This is only the second-worst thing the sugar industry did in the 1960s, since nothing will ever top whatever it was they did to get that Sugar, Sugar song on the charts.

This news about the sugar industry could prove to be a game-changer. Now you can’t say for sure whether your triple bypass was caused by your daily can of Coke habit, or your daily 2 for $5 Big Mac habit. It’s mysteries like this one that can keep a person up all night.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign planned to release more information about her health after this week’s pneumonia scare. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the info was apparently all contained in a series of emails that the campaign deleted out of force of habit.

This week the Census Bureau announced that the US median income grew 5.2% to $56,516 in 2015, the first annual gain since 2007. It also announced that middle class income grew faster than at any time in modern history. Jeez, thanks Obama.

Wait, what?

The latest internet conspiracy theory claims that Hillary Clinton is using a body double while campaigning. The conspiracy has even spawned its own hashtag – #HillarysBodyDouble, which narrowly beat out the second choice – #BillsWorstNightmare.

This week Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked “What is Aleppo?” during a TV interview about foreign policy, prompting many voters to speculate exactly when George W Bush signed on as his foreign policy advisor.

This week a patent application was published that shows Walmart is planning to introduce self-driving shopping carts to its stores. So honey, it’s totally not my fault that the cart was filled with Double Stuff Oreos. The cart did that all by itself.

A new study shows that exercise may offset some of the negative health effects of alcohol. Hmmmm. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working out for the next seven months straight, just to be safe.

And finally, this week the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a recall of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones because there’s a danger they can catch fire. And not because there’s a danger that you can read Happy Friday on one, though that was also a consideration in their decision.

This Saturday marks the third annual Batman Day, a day that exists, I guess, to get you to drop a few bucks on a Batman comic. Or maybe to watch a Batman movie or cartoon. I’m actually not sure what this whole day is about. Maybe the way to understand it is to go right to the source, which you can do when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Batman Plans to Celebrate Batman Day:

10. Check LinkedIn for response to ad for new sidekick
9. Swing by Gotham jail at 9:30 to update “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign to “1”
8. Leave another bad review for Batman v Superman on Rotten Tomatoes
7. Investigate rumors that the Joker changed his name to Trump
6. Finish “Ten Things Fox’s Gotham Gets Wrong” article for BuzzFeed
5. Visit Chief O’Hara at the Old Stereotype’s Home
4. Swing by Gotham jail at 2:30 to reset “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign back to “0”
3. Late lunch with Aquaman at Red Lobster
2. Call agent to find out if it’s not too late to swap out Affleck for Damon in the next movie
1. Finally get “Batman smells” removed from that Jingle Bells song

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, catch the wave, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes, set that DVR for all the new fall shows before they’re cancelled, roast some marshmallows over your Galaxy Note 7, avoid the Noid, get off of my lawn, keep your certificate valid, leave your meat cleaver at home and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “still trying to figure out how I didn’t get to be the candidate for the Green Party” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green