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By Tgreen, November 10, 2009 1:22 am

I’m not sure how it took me 9 days to notice this, but I’m not listening to any music while I write this month, and that’s something that hardly ever happens. Not only do I usually listen to music while I write, but I also usually make up soundtracks for stories as I write them. But not this time. Not so far. I’m sure it could all change tomorrow, but for some reason the thought of listening to music while working on this story never even occurred to me. Very strange.

It might be a good thing, though. On previous writing projects I’d sometimes find that I’d be writing scenes to the pace of what I was listening to. Sometimes I’d even work in lyrics or ideas I got from lyrics as I listened. I never gave any thought to whether or not this was good for my writing — it was just the way I’d done it since college, basically. And yet this time, silence. It’s too early for me to say if the writing’s any better or worse for the absence of music, because I haven’t read any of this thing yet and I have no plans to until I’m done.

One difference brought on by the lack of music is that I’m not using the songs I’m hearing to help me shape the theme or idea of the story. I’d allow myself to be very influenced by whatever I was listening to, and so it’s no surprise that it was a song that made me realize I hadn’t been listening to music this time around. While working today, I heard this lyric from Bruce Springsteen’s Devils & Dust and I saw that my main character was potentially being influenced by it:

I got God on my side
I’m just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love
Fear’s a powerful thing

That will probably be kicking around in my head as I work though this week’s section of the plot and what’s driving my main character to do what he’s doing. Right now the story’s at a bit more than 19,000 words, which is probably the most I’ve ever written without headphones on.

After my mini-revelation about music, I got into a conversation with a coworker who needs me to do some work for him on Wednesday. It’s not a huge project, but to do it right it takes more than half a day. And I told him that I already have another project for Wednesday that will require almost a full day to do. So all of a sudden I’m booked for potentially a day and a half worth of work, and I’ve gotta squeeze 2,000 words in there as well. I can’t wait to see how I pull that off. I can guarantee I’ll be blasting something out of the headphones while I’m at the office.

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By Tgreen, November 9, 2009 1:15 am

So, while work is apparently the big hurdle during the week, it’s also likely to screw up the weekends too because by Friday night I’m way too tired to want to write. I’d managed to write more than 2,000 words per day for the first 5 days of this month, which put me out ahead of my schedule by day 6. At which point the long week and the bad work schedule and the very concept of Friday and therefore a decent night’s sleep all conspired to knock me off track. I wrote that night, but basically I only wrote the difference between whatever I had and the 12,000 words I needed to be at by the end of the day. And that meant that if I wanted to stay on track, I had to bang out 2,000 words on a Saturday where I had moving-in-related work to do all day, and a surprise birthday party to go to that night. A birthday party with an open bar and a bottle of Jack Daniels, a combination that’s practically my own version of kryptonite. And then I’d have to do it again on a Sunday where all I wanted to do was relax, turn my brain off, and watch football.

This coincided with a weird writing block that hits me sometimes. I’d started to figure out where the plot of this book is supposed to go, and I even knew how I wanted to get there. And yet, once I knew this stuff I had no interest in actually writing any of it. It’s like I’d figured out the puzzle, so why did I have to fill in the boxes? I don’t know why this happens, but it does. In fact, if it hadn’t happened I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have slacked off so much Friday night. This was a potentially huge trainwreck, and I wasn’t sure I knew how to avoid it.

Turns out the best way to avoid it is to put ass in seat and write anyway, which is what I did. I managed to write enough to hit my word count and still get a couple hundred words ahead again. I still know where the plot’s supposed to go next, but I’m trying not to think about it too much when I’m not at the computer. It helps if the words are fresh when I hit the keyboard. But I have to think about things a little so I keep my enthusiasm going. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I’m starting to remember just how twisted one has to be in order to create things like this. It’s still a lot of fun an exactly the thing I’d want to be doing if I could afford to ditch work and do it, but there are more daily challenges in the process than I remembered.

And so, this weekend turned out to not be the lost weekend I thought it might be as I walked home on Friday night. I’ll be out of town for part of next weekend, though, so already that one’s not looking so good. Add to that the fact that I’m pretty sure I only know the plot of this book until about Wednesday or Thursday, and next weekend could be an even bigger trainwreck than I thought this past one would be. At least it’s not boring.

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By Tgreen, November 6, 2009 1:59 am

So yesterday I wrote about how a crazy work schedule could be the one thing that might sink this whole enterprise before the month is through (even more so than a lack of actual writing talent, an affliction I’ve lived with for many years). Well, today’s schedule was slightly better, though I spent half the day trying and failing to pick a fight over yesterday’s fiasco. I used to be way better at picking fights like this. I’m out of practice. I’m also out of practice at writing over 2,000 words per day, but so far I’m still managing. The story’s at 11,420 words right now. I cannot complain one bit.

I think what I should do is organize some kind of betting pool to decide exactly when the sleep deprivation will start kicking my ass. With a side bet as to whether it screws up my job first or the book. I think it could go either way now. And frankly, the only reason it hasn’t already happened is that my job has basically zombie-fied me over the last 2 years. I could do (and probably have done) my job in my sleep, and eventually I’m sure I’ll do some writing in my sleep. The question then will be, will I even be able to notice a difference in writing quality? Perhaps not.

And now, as promised, a shitty excerpt:

“After the war I wanted no part of marriage. I’d seen some things that to this day make no sense to me. Did some things I’m maybe not so proud of too, you know? The idea of falling in love and even worse, getting married, well, I couldn’t reconcile that with what I’d seen in Europe during the war. This is how I came to not realize that a knockout like Kay was essentially throwing herself at me for several years after I came home. You ever know a woman who wanted you so badly she’d chase you down no matter where you tried to hide?”

“No, sir, not even a little bit,” I said. I was embarrassed to say it, but it should’ve been obvious to anyone who took a look at me that this was the truth.

“Me neither,” Abe said. “My wife usually acts like I’m lucky she ever gave me a second look.”

“They do that sometimes, women,” Hiram said. “Sometimes it’s completely justified. But mostly they’re just playing. Believe me, young man, if she’s playing with you like that, she’s still interested. You’ve got a good thing going there, I’d wager.”

Based on the stories Abe liked to tell, I’d wager that Hiram was totally off base. But since no one had actually met Mrs. Abe, no one could say for sure. All we had to go on was Abe’s word, and there was no telling how reliable that was.

“Did you know your wife during the war?” Abe asked. I was finished snapping our equipment together and now had to prep the aerosols that were the key to the process. If Hiram were already primed to think about the person in this memory, the whole thing would be that much easier.

“Oh no, no. We met years later. It was 1949, at a New Year’s Eve party. I was back from California and visiting an old high school buddy up in the Bronx. Neal, he was a writer. I think he was writing super hero comics or some such at that point, he had an apartment and was always throwing parties.”

“You had a friend who worked on comic books?” I asked. I don’t think I’d ever sounded so enthusiastic about anything at one of these sessions.

“Yes, Neal wrote for the comics for years back then,” Hiram said. “I don’t remember if he was still doing it in ’49. I don’t even remember what he wrote. I wasn’t into that sort of thing. I was happy for him that he had a good job, but that’s as far as my interest went.”

“So you met your wife at Neal’s?” Abe asked. He was shooting daggers at me with his eyes because I’d knocked Hiram off track. Rookie mistake. I knew better than that.

“Yes, yes, near the end of the night. It wasn’t quite midnight yet, but we were all hanging close to the radio to hear the countdown when it came. I was on the fringe of everything, by the kitchen, because I didn’t know a lot of people at the party and I was kind of shy. A bit like our young friend here.” Hiram gestured toward me with a lazy wave. I had to admit I liked Hiram for the sole reason that he kept calling me ‘young man’. I was on the wrong side of 40 and couldn’t recall the last time I’d been referred to in that way. It was a nice and unexpected ego boost. Maybe Abe and I could nick Hiram from Manny and Annette’s schedule. They were usually busier than we were anyway. They might not even notice.

“I can remember it clear as anything,” Hiram continued. “I’d backed into the kitchen to freshen my highball when the tallest, thinnest young blonde girl asked me if I knew how to make a dry martini. Now of course, I knew nothing about martinis. All I knew is they were hard to make. But this beautiful young thing needed a martini to toast the new year and by god I was going to make her one. So I screwed up all my courage, courage I hadn’t used since the battlefield in France, and I engaged the most enthralling woman I’d ever met in a conversation while I set about mixing the most perfect martini known to man.”

“How did it turn out?” Abe asked.

“The drink was horrible. A crime against humanity, in fact. But somewhere in my stuttering, stumbling patter, Kay heard something she liked. We shared the first kiss of the new year, a polite friendly thing, not like the slobbering stuff you see kids do on the streets these days, and when she was leaving she gave me her number and made me promise to call her before I headed back out west.”

“And you did?”

“We wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t,” Hiram said, shrugging in Abe’s direction for my benefit. “Now come on, it’s been two months since I last went to Paris with Kay. Are we ready?”

“Yes, sir, we’re ready,” I said. I approached and swabbed a patch of skin above his left elbow and then stuck a small electrode on the spot. I did the same to his right arm, then I slipped a pale blue gas mask over his nose and mouth. I began reciting the standard list of instructions, but Hiram had done this before and he knew the steps almost as well as I did. When I was sure he was ready, I flipped a few switches on the console I’d constructed, then hit the gas. In seconds, Hiram’s eyes fluttered and closed, and then his head lolled back and the widest smile I’d ever seen spread across his face. He even looked less wrinkled in this position. Abe tucked a small pillow against the left side of his face to prevent his head from falling into an uncomfortable position.

“How long is this supposed to take?” Abe asked.

“Not sure. Manny’s notes didn’t say.”

“Goddamn Manny, he knows better than that.” Abe gave Hiram one last check, then crossed the room and plopped on the left end of the couch. He flipped on the TV and the two of us watched the local news while Hiram and Kay toured Paris in 1952.

Ah, I love the smell of bad first-draft writing in the morning.

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By Tgreen, November 5, 2009 1:48 am

So as I move deeper into this crazy plan of writing 50,000 words in 30 days, today I hit the big hurdle that could totally dump the whole thing into the toilet. No, it’s not lack of talent, though I’ve got truckloads of that lying around. I’m talking about my job.

Tonight I got stuck for an hour longer than I wanted to, mostly because we were delivering too many projects in one night, but also in part because when one of those projects was called off until tomorrow, nobody told me. I had to find out by accident about 15 minutes after that call had been made. This happens more often than you’d think, and definitely more often than I’d like it to. And frankly, staying only an hour late is not so bad when you consider some of the 10, 11, and 14 (yes, that’s 14) hour days I’ve worked these last 2 years. So yeah, horrendous work schedule + 2000 words per day writing schedule = Tgreen’s headache. It wouldn’t be easy to write at work, but I may have to figure out a way to do it.

In better news, the book’s up to about 9,400 words, and the story’s still flowing. Yee hah!

Coming soon, an honest-to-god excerpt. I promise.

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By Tgreen, November 4, 2009 1:49 am

Okay, so I’ve survived Day 3 and I’ve got 6,749 words written so far. I’m well ahead of schedule, which is a surprise considering I’ve thought about quitting pretty much since I first started writing on Sunday night. But I figure, I think about quitting my regular job at least once a day, so this is completely normal.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really want to quit. I’m just already feeling the lack of sleep and lack of down time that comes from working a full day, commuting, and then banging out 2,000+ words every night. The television calls to me, that bastard, but so far I’m fighting the urge to give in. I even sacrificed a hockey game tonight for my 2,000 words, but I just checked the score and it looks like I didn’t sacrifice all that much after all.

What’s keeping me going is the one thing I least expected to see so early. I’ve actually got a story already. I figured that since I came into this on Sunday with exactly no preconceived notion of what I might write, I’d spend a couple of days screwing around with a character or two in hopes of coming up with something. And yet before I even reached 2,000 words the first night I had my story idea. And it’s the desire to see what happens next that’s going to help me ignore the TV when it calls. It’s going to make the sleep deprivation worth it. It will, I believe it.

I expect it’s only another couple of days before I’m feeling beat and I’ve got nothing to write and I’ll be on here complaining about that, but for right now, for tonight, it’s working and this was the best idea I could’ve had for the month of November. 6,749 words in 3 days. How cool is that?

Excerpt coming soon, I promise.

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By Tgreen, November 2, 2009 1:48 am

So there’s this thing that goes on every November called NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The idea is simple — spend 30 days writing 50,000 words and at the end of the month you’ll have a completed novel on your hands. It might not be anything you’d ever want to show anyone else, but at least you can say you’ve written a novel, which is more than most people will ever say. So even as you read this, writers the world over are furiously banging out words in an effort to actually pull off this feat. And I’m one of them.

Yes, once again I’m attempting to start November with zero words and zero ideas, and end it with 50,000+ words and at least one idea. This isn’t my first time, either (that’s what she said). In 2004 I started my novel, worked on it for maybe 10 days or so, and then gave up, hoping to never speak of it again. In 2005, I tried again and this time I blew way past 50,000 words by the end of the month, and ended up finishing my novel on December 6th or so, with more than 80,000 words. The next year I also had more than 50,000 words by the end of the month, though I never actually finished that one. In 2007, I made a feeble attempt several days into the month, then gave up almost immediately before taking a job that would suck up most of my free time for the next two years. in 2008 I don’t think I even considered it for a moment.

And yet here I am, back for another try in 2009. I like the idea of this challenge because even though there’s no prize and you’re not competing against anyone else, it’s a good way to jolt the creative part of the brain into action. It comes down to a fight against yourself, the worst opponent of all, and what better feeling is there than to be able to face down all your self-doubt and fear and accomplish something that on first glance may seem simple, but on second glance actually seems pretty much impossible? Plus, even though writing is such a solitary thing, it’s nice to know that there are thousands of other idiots out there just like you who are kicking their brains into overdrive to get to their daily word count. It’s like I’m alone in this room fighting the good fight, but I’m not actually alone.

I don’t know how much my job, or my love of bad television, is going to try to screw up this plan. But I’m going to do what I can to write 2,000 or so words a day to win this thing. “Win”, of course, does not mean there’s any kind of prize at the end of this. Doesn’t matter. I want to win anyway. I’ll be posting regular updates in this blog, and maybe even excerpts. This may mean that Happy Friday takes a rest until I’m done. We’ll see how things go. I hope that somehow my updates can entertain you (at least in that regard Happy Friday sets the bar pretty low). Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some writing to do.

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By Tgreen, October 31, 2009 5:27 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s got a treat for you if you’ve got the right trick.

Nine months after leaving office, former President George W. Bush made his debut Monday in his latest incarnation: motivational speaker. He spoke for nearly 26 minutes on a variety of subjects, including one of the difficult decisions he was forced to make as President. No, not the war or the economic bailout or homeland security, but something even harder than that — picking the right Oval Office rug to reflect his optimism. That sure explains a lot, doesn’t it?

The former President is writing a book about the 12 hardest decisions he had to make while in office. Me, I’m looking forward to the chapter on “paper or plastic”.

Popular social network Facebook reminded members that it will “memorialize” profiles of the dead if their friends or family request it. These special accounts won’t have friend suggestions and won’t be available to people who weren’t already friends with the deceased, but it will still crank out regular updates on the deceased’s Mafia Wars and Farmville progress, because apparently even death can’t stop those posts.

Two Northwest Airlines pilots were using laptop computers in the cockpit as they flew past their Minneapolis destination last week, according to federal regulators. The pilots claim they flew for 78 minutes without speaking to controllers because they became so engrossed in a new computer program that arranges pilot schedules. Do you understand, they were using their laptops to check pilot schedules, not to look at porn. You can get porn on your computer? Wow, that’s nice to know, but these pilots were engrossed in their schedules. Not porn. Seriously, not porn.

A Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than $900,000 this week, thus guaranteeing that Tom Cruise will never visit France again, and making me wonder how no one in this country ever thought of this obvious-in-hindsight way of getting us a break from Tom Cruise.

A new study shows that children are more than twice as likely to be killed by a car while walking on Halloween than any other night of the year. And children wearing the controversial new “Johnny Traffic Cone” costume are more than four times as likely to be killed by a car.

In sports news, Mark McGwire is back in baseball, reunited with Tony La Russa as the St. Louis Cardinals’ hitting coach. And also, backup team doctor, based on his skill at delivering injections.

According to a new government report, nearly 650,000 jobs have been saved or created under President Barack Obama’s economic stimulus plan. Unfortunately for the President, 90% of those jobs are anti-Obama commentators on Fox News, and the rest are really just people who replied to that “Earn $2,000 per week working from home” e-mail that makes the rounds every now and then, and probably shouldn’t even count.

A man was caught by Norwegian customs carrying a tarantula in his bag, while also having 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to his body. Customs agents became suspicious when the man’s crotch began incessantly asking if they wanted to save money on their car insurance.

U.S. researchers reported this week that people with a particular gene variant performed more than 20 percent worse on a driving test than people with a different DNA sequence. That variant? Two X chromosomes.

Hey-oh!

This week in an interview with People magazine, tennis star Andre Agassi admitted that he used crystal meth periodically for “a year or so.” Which finally explains the whole Barbra Streisand relationship.

It’s Halloween as I write this, which means most of you are either out there Trick or Treating, or getting ready to go to a party tonight. For you last-minute costume shoppers, it’s very easy to end up with a really bad costume, as you’ll see when you look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Worst Halloween Costumes Still On Sale On Halloween Evening:
10. Bernard Madoff
9. Transexual Mexican Wrestler
8. UFL halfback
7. American Godzilla
6. Vampire from deleted scenes on True Blood DVD set
5. Open-minded Mormon
4. Gay Hitler
3. Narcoleptic cat
2. Mayor of Saskatoon
1. Laid-off GM employee

And that’s all we have time for this week. Last time I mentioned something about Happy Friday taking the month of November off. Is that still happening (after today’s edition I’m sure that idea has a certain charm)? Watch this space for more info starting November 1.

Until next time, don’t eat too much candy, watch out for the apple with the razor blade in it, don’t forget to tip your waitress and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “great balls of fire” green

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By Tgreen, October 24, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s feeling so tired tonight. So, so tired.

Last week rock band Def Leppard has canceled the final leg of its North American tour “due to unforeseen personal matters.” Those matters? Someone in the band apparently realized it was not, in fact, still 1988.

First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on Jay Leno’s new show on Friday. She apparently wanted the advantages of appearing on TV without the worry of having an audience watching and somehow Leno’s was the first name that came up.

On Wednesday, MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson by calling him Al Sharpton. And in a related story, Contessa Brewer will now be working for Fox News.

While Jackson was visibly unamused by the incident, Sharpton was willing to let it pass. “Hell, we’re both puffy black dudes who are always complaining about something. Even I can’t tell the two of us apart sometimes,” Sharpton said.

This week it was revealed that the ninth-season winner of Big Brother told a federal agent that he used his $500,000 prize to buy thousands of oxycodone pills and resell them, prompting Rush Limbaugh to call CBS and offer his services should they ever decide to do Celebrity Big Brother.

Apple this week surprised even optimistic speculators by posting a 47% increase in profit in the fourth quarter. Industry insiders are telling investors they can’t expect similar performance next quarter because the competition is stronger now that Microsoft has released the Zune HD and Windows 7. When asked to comment on that forecast, Apple CEO Steve Jobs bought Australia.

In other Windows 7 news, in honor of the new software release, Japan was lucky enough to play host to Burger King’s exclusive Windows 7 Whopper. Seven stacked beef patties extend the Whopper to over five inches in height all for appropriately ¥777 ($8.55). But it’s still better for you than Windows Vista.

A Texas man who confessed to sexually abusing a child over a three year period has been sentenced to 80 life sentences. But the good news is the Pope has already pardoned him.

It’s a big time of year for sports fans. The football season is in full swing, hockey just started, basketball is about to start, and baseball’s World Series is just days away. But what if you’re not a sports fan? How do you navigate this time of year without becoming a social outcast? Never fear, my sports-deprived friend, you can learn all you need to know by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Fake Being A New York Sports Fan In October:
10. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never mention the New York Mets, as they are all home watching football by October
9. Sprinkle your daily conversation liberally with “A-Rod”, “Jeets” and “Swishalicious”, in no particular order
8. While technically there is a team called the New York Islanders, you don’t have to worry about ever bumping into anyone who wants to talk about them
7. Without warning, grumble “Fucking Eli” several times every Monday morning
6. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing the Mad Dog
5. Say bad things about Philadelphia – it’s almost always appropriate
4. First half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it this year?”; second half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it next year?”
3. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing Billy Martin
2. If stumped by someone’s sports-related question, say you missed the game because you’re too busy training for the NYC Marathon (just don’t be 300 lbs when you say this)
1. Complain about how expensive a beer was the last time you went to a game

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for, if not an explanation for the lousy scheduling of late, then at least a compelling excuse for why Happy Friday may need to take November off. It’s a legitimately good reason, though, so you should be proud of me for that.

T “dammit Eli!” green

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By Tgreen, October 17, 2009 10:33 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that apparently couldn’t hit a Friday if you paid it.

This week it was announced that Hiroshima and Nagasaki, the victims of the only atomic bombings in history, are teaming up to try to bring the Olympics to Japan in 2020. In related news, I hear Pearl Harbor might also be making a bid. Awkward!

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called out his wife, Maria Shriver, for apparently violating a state law he signed — holding her cell phone while driving. Her punishment? A marathon of Kindergarten Cop, The Last Action Hero, and Jingle All The Way.

Art experts believe they have identified a new Leonardo da Vinci in part by examining a fingerprint on the canvas. Said one expert, “Holy crap, this is like crossing CSI with a Dan Brown novel. Do you think Tom Hanks or David Caruso will play me in the movie?”

A London newspaper this week quoted Prince Philip as saying, “to work out how to operate a TV set you practically have to make love to the thing.” Which is probably an attractive option when you’ve been married to the Queen for so long.

Playboy magazine is turning over its cover to the matriarch of Springfield’s first family: Marge Simpson. Which almost – almost, mind you – almost justifies those things you used to do to yourself while watching Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Almost.

President Barack Obama pledged to end the ban on homosexuals serving openly in the military in a speech last Saturday. His new “On the Down Low” plan will replace the current “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” plan. Just keep it on the DL, yo.

The Dallas Police Department is investigating more than 2,000 family violence cases stored in the garage of one of its 35-year veterans. Surprisingly, only 85% of them involved Dallas Cowboys players of the late 90s.

General Motors announced this week it had finalized plans to sell control of its iconic Hummer brand to a Chinese heavy equipment maker. Which means the next time you order some Moo Goo Gai Pan for delivery, you’d better give a good tip or that delivery boy is gonna drive right through your front door.

After sinking to a 12-year low back in March, the Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 Wednesday for the first time in a year, causing pharmacies in the Wall Street area to sell less Viagra than they have at any time since, well, March.

This week it was announced that Subway, riding high on the marketing message of healthy fast food, will overtake McDonald’s in American store locations by the end of 2009, with a total of more than 32,300 outlets. Rush Limbaugh immediately blamed President Obama for this tragic turn of events.

A review of past research finds that, by altering hormonal cycles, the pill might affect choice of mates among members of both genders. Ovulating women prefer typically “manly” men, while women who are not ovulating may prefer men with more feminine features, so by curtailing ovulation, the pill may be helping current male American Idol contestants breed the next generation of male American Idol contestants.

While on the other side of the equation, men still prefer to hook up with anyone who will take them, so actually, the pill hasn’t really changed anything there.

As you remember, last week there was a huge uproar when President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize well before anybody thought he was qualified for such an honor. If people were mad about that, I can’t imagine what they’re going to think when they get a load of…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Awards President Obama Has Won:
10. First Place, Miss America Pageant
9. Super Bowl XLIV Champion
8. Lady Byng Memorial Trophy
7. Best In Show, AKC National Championship
6. Blue Ribbon, 2009 Pinewood Derby
5. First Place, The Next Iron Chef
4. Winner, Big Brother 11
3. Pillsbury Bake-Off Gold Ribbon
2. Cover Model, 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
1. “Most Improved Penmanship”, Sister Elizabeth’s Third Grade Class

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the cupcakes and have a Happy Friday!

T “gigglefest” green

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By Tgreen, October 9, 2009 11:14 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that should probably invest in a decent calendar.

This week, in a move that surprised most everyone who heard about it, President Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said he won because of all the ways he plans to bring peace to the world, but we all know the real reason he won is because he’s not George Bush.

Which makes me wonder where my Nobel Peace Prize is. I mean, I’m not George Bush. And I’m totally planning on bringing out some world peace. I just have to finish the latest Poison Pen first. Yeah, new Poison Pen and then world peace. Any day now.

Anyway, while many people are quickly discounting Obama’s win, if you take a close look at his record you’ll see this award is not so outrageous after all, as proven by…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Obama Is Qualified To Win The Nobel Peace Prize:
10. Never took sides in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars
9. Always ended every game of Risk with a peaceful negotiation
8. Didn’t launch even one missile when Chicago lost its Olympic bid
7. Is able to enjoy both The Simpsons and Family Guy every Sunday night on FOX
6. Stayed out of the Cola Wars of the 80s by sticking with RC
5. Totally sings along with that song that goes War, uh huh, good god, what is it good for, absolutely nothin’, I’ll say it again, yeah with a knowing look in his eye
4. Watched the original Star Wars a dozen times hoping that they could work things out without having to blow up Alderaan or the Death Star
3. During the mid-90s, made sure to watch both Leno’s and Letterman’s shows to keep the Late Night Wars from flaring up in his household
2. Saw Wargames three times in one day to ensure he’d be prepared if his Commodore Vic-20 ever tried to start a nuclear war, and not because the had a crush on Ally Sheedy
1. In nearly ten months as President has so far managed to prevent a full-scale zombie war from breaking out

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh said this week that he’s teaming up with St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts in a bid to buy the Rams. There’s no word yet on what color quarterback Rush would hire, but it won’t be a black one.

A judge said last week that he’s pleased with how Michael Jackson’s children are adjusting to being in their grandmother’s care. He then followed that statement with this answer to a reporter’s question, “No, I haven’t met Joe Jackson yet, why do you ask?”

A customer at a New Jersey Burger King drive-thru was slashed with a knife by a homeless person this week. Worst dollar menu item ever.

In hundreds of meetings with millions of its members to promote a health care overhaul, AARP has often found itself forced to referee a battle between generations. That battle? Get off my damn lawn!

Last week, Tufts University formalized what for many was probably an unspoken rule: no sex when a roommate is present, by adding a rule that students cannot have sex in their room if it will deprive their roommate of sleep or study time. My university had its own solution to the problem — there were only like a half dozen girls in the whole damn place.

Oh, and no dorm rooms either.

The average retail price for gasoline dipped below $2.50 a gallon for the first time in two months last Monday, prompting at least four oil executives to fire everyone responsible.

Employee misconduct investigations inside a taxpayer-funded foundation that doles out billions of dollars of scientific research grants revealed that a senior executive spent at least 331 days looking at pornography on his government computer. The executive’s lawyer defended his client’s actions by saying he’d been hired during the Clinton administration, where 331 days of viewing pornography was considered rather low.

The ever-popular American Girls brand has released a controversial new doll named “Gwen,” a character who’s actually homeless. With a pricetag of $95, the doll is only about ten bucks cheaper than an actual homeless person.

Chicago’s dream of an Olympics-sized stimulus was dashed last week when the 2016 Summer Games were awarded to Rio de Janeiro, prompting talk show host Oprah Winfrey to drop Brazilian waxes from her list of “favorite things.”

This week NASA launched a mission to bomb the moon. Which really sounds a lot more like something that the Bush Administration would’ve tried if it thought the moon had messed with Texas.

The LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission sent a missile traveling at twice the speed of a bullet to blast a hole in the lunar surface near the moon’s South pole in an attempt to find signs of water on the moon. Which, coincidentally, is the same reason Iran keeps giving for why it wants to launch a missile into downtown Jerusalem.

In other space news, astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life, or, at the very least, give us a new place for Republicans and Democrats to argue over who’s worse.

Sarah Palin, the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential candidate, has finished her memoir just four months after the book deal was announced, and the release date has been moved up from the spring to Nov. 17, her publisher said. Of course, when your biggest accomplishment is helping Tina Fey score an Emmy, one has to wonder why it even took this long to write a memoir. The book weighs in at 400 pages. That’s a lot of crayons.

Word is Rush Limbaugh’s already bought two tubes of lubrication to use while reading.

Talk show host David Letterman was recently the victim of a blackmail plot, which forced him to reveal that he’d had several sexual relationships with members of his Late Show staff. Hard to imagine, huh? Maybe not, once you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful David Letterman Pickup Lines:
10. Hey, baby, wanna let Paul and the band play you in?
9. Hey, baby, let me show you a really Stupid Human Trick
8. Hey, baby, wanna be a guest on the Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show?
7. Hey, baby, I’ll bring the monkey if you’ll bring the camera
6. Hey, baby, wanna find out if it’ll float?
5. Hey, baby, I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk
4. Hey, baby, I’ve got a cut of meat you should know
3. Hey, baby, I can take you right to prime time (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Successful Jay Leno Pickup Lines)
2. Hey, baby, wanna help me beat the Conan?
1. Hey, baby, wanna see my Top Ten?

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, enjoy the football and enjoy the hockey and enjoy…wait, are there any other sports still going on right now? I don’t think so.

T “what a lovely development this is” green