Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s feeling so tired tonight. So, so tired.

Last week rock band Def Leppard has canceled the final leg of its North American tour “due to unforeseen personal matters.” Those matters? Someone in the band apparently realized it was not, in fact, still 1988.

First Lady Michelle Obama appeared on Jay Leno’s new show on Friday. She apparently wanted the advantages of appearing on TV without the worry of having an audience watching and somehow Leno’s was the first name that came up.

On Wednesday, MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson by calling him Al Sharpton. And in a related story, Contessa Brewer will now be working for Fox News.

While Jackson was visibly unamused by the incident, Sharpton was willing to let it pass. “Hell, we’re both puffy black dudes who are always complaining about something. Even I can’t tell the two of us apart sometimes,” Sharpton said.

This week it was revealed that the ninth-season winner of Big Brother told a federal agent that he used his $500,000 prize to buy thousands of oxycodone pills and resell them, prompting Rush Limbaugh to call CBS and offer his services should they ever decide to do Celebrity Big Brother.

Apple this week surprised even optimistic speculators by posting a 47% increase in profit in the fourth quarter. Industry insiders are telling investors they can’t expect similar performance next quarter because the competition is stronger now that Microsoft has released the Zune HD and Windows 7. When asked to comment on that forecast, Apple CEO Steve Jobs bought Australia.

In other Windows 7 news, in honor of the new software release, Japan was lucky enough to play host to Burger King’s exclusive Windows 7 Whopper. Seven stacked beef patties extend the Whopper to over five inches in height all for appropriately ¥777 ($8.55). But it’s still better for you than Windows Vista.

A Texas man who confessed to sexually abusing a child over a three year period has been sentenced to 80 life sentences. But the good news is the Pope has already pardoned him.

It’s a big time of year for sports fans. The football season is in full swing, hockey just started, basketball is about to start, and baseball’s World Series is just days away. But what if you’re not a sports fan? How do you navigate this time of year without becoming a social outcast? Never fear, my sports-deprived friend, you can learn all you need to know by reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Fake Being A New York Sports Fan In October:
10. Never, and I cannot stress this enough, never mention the New York Mets, as they are all home watching football by October
9. Sprinkle your daily conversation liberally with “A-Rod”, “Jeets” and “Swishalicious”, in no particular order
8. While technically there is a team called the New York Islanders, you don’t have to worry about ever bumping into anyone who wants to talk about them
7. Without warning, grumble “Fucking Eli” several times every Monday morning
6. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing the Mad Dog
5. Say bad things about Philadelphia – it’s almost always appropriate
4. First half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it this year?”; second half of October, ask, “Think the Jets can do it next year?”
3. Mention that you can’t believe you’re saying this, but you sometimes find yourself missing Billy Martin
2. If stumped by someone’s sports-related question, say you missed the game because you’re too busy training for the NYC Marathon (just don’t be 300 lbs when you say this)
1. Complain about how expensive a beer was the last time you went to a game

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for, if not an explanation for the lousy scheduling of late, then at least a compelling excuse for why Happy Friday may need to take November off. It’s a legitimately good reason, though, so you should be proud of me for that.

T “dammit Eli!” green