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By Tgreen, November 1, 2012 7:53 pm

Day 1 of November’s 50,000 words in 30 days writing challenge and here’s the update:

I’ve got nothing.

The day isn’t over yet, but right now that’s my update. With the following addendum. I took a little time today to finish off a story to submit to The First Line, something I’ve been unable to accomplish for more than a year. I’m not sure the story’s any good — I’m suspicious of anything I write that doesn’t have any dialogue even though I like to try a story like that every now and then — but it’s good to get back in the game. I’m hoping that accomplishment gives me some momentum for this month. I’m gonna need all the help I can get because if you haven’t heard, right now I’ve got nothing.

And to prove my point, here’s a quick excerpt from Secret Identity, the story I submitted today:

Yes, the movie. Plenty of words have been written about the Multyman movie, a few by people who actually knew what they were writing about. All I’ll say about it is yes, it was a bomb, the biggest bomb of the half century according to the people who track such things. It was done on the cheap and yet everyone involved still lost money. It ruined a half dozen careers, including my father’s, and it still tops almost every list of bad movies no matter what the list’s conceit happens to be. It’s never been released on home video and probably never will be. I have access to a copy but have never watched it all the way through. And honestly, if even half the people who claim to have seen it in all its glorious awfulness during its brief run had actually plunked down cash for a ticket, that movie would’ve been a modest hit and maybe some careers could’ve been saved.

The movie fiasco was all my father’s doing, too. He made a bad deal and let the pack of amateurs at the studio step all over him. He didn’t see it that way, though. He went to his early grave claiming they’d done a fine job and if anything, their biggest mistake was being ahead of their time. If that movie has a time, we’re nowhere near approaching it yet.

And now, on to NaNoWriMo!

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By Tgreen, October 19, 2012 8:55 am

Writing experiment time! No, I haven’t hired a pack of monkeys to read my writing, mostly because I’ve seen every Planet of the Apes movie and so the last thing I’d ever want to do is piss off a pack of monkeys. No, this experiment is in response to that storyish excerpt I posted earlier this week. On that one I got busted by coworkers both current and former for writing something that sure as hell seemed like it was, at the very least, strongly influenced by a certain employer of ours.

For now if I decide to write any more office-based stuff, I’ll do it the way I always have — I’ll run it through a filter of nearly a quarter century of office life. That way if you see something familiar, you can think you know what it’s based on or you can wonder if that same insanely stupid shit you lived through really also happened somewhere else. Trust me, most times it’s that second one. So if all this rambling hasn’t scared you off, I’ll have my assistant dim the lights and we’ll see just how much of a Frankenstein’s monster we’re dealing with here…

Ben scrolled through the endless list of emails in his inbox, wondering if he was ever going to figure out how to prioritize this stuff. Most of it was too new to him, so it all looked the same. Every one of these emails could’ve been equally worthless or equally important and so far he had no way of knowing the difference. The only thing Yank had told him about it was to ignore any email marked Urgent.
“Everyone uses that in every email, so the word has no meaning anymore,” Yank had said. “Ignore it enough times and maybe people will learn their lesson.”
Yank had a long list of lessons be wanted people to learn, and Ben was so far unable to figure out that list either.
Ben turned away from his emails to give his eyes a break and he noticed Yank walking toward his desk at a fast pace while looking over at the far end of the office where the conference rooms were located. He didn’t actually look in Ben’s direction until he dropped into the nearest empty chair.
“Hey, Ohio, you know all that good advice I’ve been giving you?” he asked.
“No,” Ben said.
“Well, I’m about to give you some of the most important advice I could ever pass along.”
“And what’s that?”
“Run like hell right now,” Yank said. “Run and don’t look back. See you tomorrow.”
“What? Why?”
“There’s no time. Just get the hell out of here before it’s too late.” Yank jumped from the chair, turned his head to survey the whole office, and then started backing away. He got about three steps when the familiar voice of their tech manager called out from behind them.
“Yank, got a second?”
Yank stopped backing away and said something Ben couldn’t hear that was probably profanity of some sort.
“I’ve got about one second, Kevin. What’s up?”
Kevin nodded at Ben and slouched against a nearby pillar. “You work on that theme park job?”
“Nope.”
“You didn’t ask me which theme park job.”
“Because I haven’t worked on any theme park jobs, so by definition I haven’t worked on whatever job you’re talking about.”
“This was one of Eric’s projects,” Kevin said.
“Eric who quit Eric?”
“Yes.”
“Then I can’t help you, Kevin. He didn’t let me work on his stuff.”
“You refused every request to help him out.”
“What can I say, we had a perfect working relationship,” Yank said. “I miss that guy already. You shouldn’t have let him go.”
“You were at a meeting for this one,” Kevin said. “I know you were.”
Yank cocked his head and appeared to be staring past Kevin as he considered this. Then he frowned.
“Oh, that meeting. I was only at that meeting because there were free sandwiches. I didn’t actually pay attention to anything.”
“Still puts you ahead of anyone else left here tonight,” Kevin said.
“Once again my love of a good sandwich comes back and screws me. Ohio, write that down.”
“Just duck your head in the conference room. See if you can help,” Kevin said.
“What’s wrong?”
“Site’s broken.”
“Which page?”
“All of them.”
“Of course all of them. Why do I even ask? What about Ohio here?”
“What about him? Ben, did you work on this site?”
“He spearheaded it,” Yank said before Ben could say anything.
“We started this site six months before we hired him,” Kevin said. “But an extra set of eyes couldn’t hurt. Ben, do you mind sticking around?”
“No problem.” Ben left his chair and followed Yank across the office
“You just totally sold me out,” he said.
“Maybe that’ll teach you a lesson,” Yank said. “Run when I say run. At least you got asked.”
“Yeah, but it felt like one of those requests you can only say yes to.”
“Look at that, Ohio, you’re learning a new lesson every day.”
There were only two men seated in the conference room. Nate, their lead programmer, and Barney, the guy who owned the place. Ben barely knew either of them, but Barney scared the hell out of him. Not because he was some kind of imposing presence — Ben towered at least half a foot taller than him — but because Ben was not capable of relaxing around anyone who could, in theory, fire him on a whim. He appeared to be a perfectly pleasant man, but Ben steered clear just the same.
Yank pushed the glass doors open and looked at the website displayed on the big screen on the wall.
“All I wanna know is, who broke it?” he asked as he took a seat at the end of the table. Ben circled around and sat to his right.
Yank squinted up at the screen. “This thing looks fine. What’s the problem?”
“You know the name of the park, right?” Nate asked.
“Yep.”
“What’s the website say?”
After a moment’s pause, Yank’s eyes snapped open. “Well now, isn’t that interesting?”
“So interesting I’m screaming right now,” Barney said. “You can’t hear because I’m screaming in my head, but trust me. Screaming at the top of imaginary lungs.”
“Have we ever put up a website with the wrong company name on it, or is this virgin territory for us?” Yank asked.
“I think this is new,” Nate said.
“Then this is a proud moment,” Yank said. “Ohio, when you consider all of the many ways this company has fucked up over the years, I hope you can appreciate what an honor it is to be here when we’ve discovered a brand new way to fuck up. Anyone wanna pose for a picture to capture the moment?”
“Yank, that’s enough,” Barney said. “There’s problems on every page. Wrong artwork, updates that are missing. Who knows what else. We need to go through the whole thing and fix it all.”
“What about Eric’s replacement?” Yank asked. “She seemed like a nice woman. Just the kind of person you’d expect to jump at the chance to help out even if it wasn’t, oh, I don’t know, her fucking job. Where the hell is she right now?”
Nate averted his eyes and Barney shook his head. “She actually quit this morning,” he said.
“How did that happen?”
“She said she couldn’t deal with the late hours, so she walked.”
“Jesus,” Yank said. “She wasn’t here two weeks and she quit? We really need to do something about people like that. If they’re smart enough to quit after two weeks, we should immediately promote them to management, because they’re obviously smarter than the rest of us and probably know things.”
Ben didn’t like the way the vein on Barney’s left temple was pulsing. He wondered if Yank’s strategy was to get the boss to stroke out right here at the table. Then he remembered that Yank and strategy were two words not very well acquainted.
“Yank, seriously, shut up,” Barney said. “I want the next words out of your mouth to be something productive. If they’re not, you can go home and you can stay there until I tell you to come back in. Clear?”
Yank stared at Barney for a long moment, and Ben felt his stomach roll over. He didn’t want Yank to say anything because he was sure these next words would blow everything up. Then Yank turned to look up at the big screen, and he took this in for an uncomfortable minute. He looked back at Barney with a frown.
“I don’t know a goddamn thing about how this site is supposed to look,” he said. “I’m not learning in the next five minutes either. So what we’ll need is printouts of what we’ve got and printouts of everything we were told to do. I’ll compare ’em and I’ll tell Nate here what he has to fix. He’ll make the fixes and in the morning you’ll have something to test.”
“I can get you those screen shots,” Barney said as he rose from his chair. “You need anything else?”
“Ohio here is gonna need a snack in a little while,” Yank said. “He’s gonna be up past his bedtime and he gets cranky if he hasn’t had something to eat.”
Barney shook his head as he left the room.
“He’s not gonna be here the whole night, is he?” Yank asked.
Nate shrugged. “He told me he’d do whatever we need him to do.”
“We fucking need him to go home is what we need him to do. Does he honestly think he’s the lynchpin in this plan?”
“I told him we can handle this,” Nate said. “I don’t know if he’ll listen.”
“You told him too early,” Yank said. “There wasn’t a plan yet.”
“Now that the plan came from you, you think he’s just going to walk out of here?”
“You can’t tell him you can handle something before you can tell him how you’re gonna do it,” Yank said. “You know he gets paranoid. You’ve gotta back your bullshit up or you never get rid of him. Rookie mistake, Nate.”
Nate shrugged.
“Speaking of which, any idea how this got so fucked up?”
“Nope. Usual reasons, probably. It’s like nobody was in charge of the site since Eric left,” Nate said. “This is what happens when nobody’s in charge.”
“Dirty little secret of this place, Ohio, is this is also what happens when somebody’s in charge. Don’t be the somebody that fucks up this bad.”
Ben reached across the table to snag one of the sets of stapled printouts. It was a list of the errors on the site. It was nearly ten pages long. Yank didn’t look at one but he gestured toward the pile.
“I’ve said it before, this is what happens when we hire people who can’t write and people who can’t read and let them work together,” he said. “No one wants to hear that.”
“Charlie was the programmer on this,” Nate said.
“I don’t care. Didn’t Charlie spell his name wrong in his email signature and not notice for three weeks? He’s your example?”
“I’m not arguing with you,” Nate said. “I just wanna fix this and maybe get home while it’s still today.”
“That’s another problem,” Yank said. “No one ever wants to argue about this. Ohio, one of these days we’ll learn our lesson here. Maybe one of us will even be around to see it.”

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By Tgreen, October 17, 2012 12:03 pm

Not sure how many of you knew this, but yesterday, October 16, was Boss’s Day. You know, Boss’s Day, the only day of the year where your boss can ask you to work late with no extra pay and you have to do it. Yep, the only day of the year where the boss can do that. I promise. The only day. Did you celebrate Boss’s Day yesterday? Lots of people did, and you may have been one of them without even realizing it. How is that possible? You’ll find out when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways People Celebrated Boss’s Day:
10. Kept Facebook open on their work computer for only 6.5 hours instead of the usual 7
9. Scribbled a mustache or a penis onto boss’s picture, but not both
8. Told him he kicked ass at that debate last night even though he obviously did not
7. Refrained from tweeting new entries in popular Twitter feed shitmyidiotbosssaid
6. Left thank you note after looting cabinets of pens, staples and Rice Krispie treats
5. Laughed at all his jokes, even the one where a priest, a rabbi and Jerry Sandusky walk into a bar
4. Showed her how to take a screen shot for the 300th day in a row, because this time that knowledge is gonna stick for sure
3. Drank 4 extra beers in his honor at lunch, slept quietly through afternoon not bothering him
2. Waited until today to tell him about that math error that will cost the company $3 million
1. Did everything he asked, no matter how stupid, dangerous, off-putting, soul-crushing, idiotic, mean-spirited, evil, short-sighted, misspelled, petty, outrageous, mini-brained, repulsive, tiring, craptastic, illegal, unacceptable, poorly-conceived, Tebowmaniacal, like a scene out of a shitty Steven Segal movie, Steinbrenneresque, stabby, URGENT!!!, Nixon-like, rapacious, Canadian, daring, Linsane, long-winded, repetitive, like the punchline got buried under a pile of words 5 minutes ago, unfortunate or just plain old dumb it might be (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things People Do Every Day To Pay The Rent)

And there you have it. If you found yourself doing any of those things yesterday, congratulations, you celebrated Boss’s Day. And if not, there’s always next year. On Boss’s Day, the only day of the year your boss can ask you to work extra hours for free. Only day. Yes, I’m sure of that.

T “if I say I was drunk when I wrote this and then immediately check into rehab they probably can’t fire me” green

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By Tgreen, October 15, 2012 7:04 pm

NaNoWriMo’s coming up in a couple of weeks. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from writing a novel in a month, besides the fact that it’s a terrible idea to write a novel in a month, it’s that to survive National Novel Writing Month, you need to be a little bit crazy. But just a little bit. Start November too sane and you quit in four days. Start it too crazy and by December 1 you’re proudly mailing your 50,000-word manifesto to the authorities and before you know it you’re on the no-fly list. And so once mid-October rolls around I start getting my mind ready to be just a little bit crazy.

So here’s a little bit of nothing that I’m hoping is helping to fine-tune some crazy into my brain. Again, it was written on the bus and in a meeting, so have mercy. Maybe you’ll like it, and maybe you won’t…

“Okay, Ohio, it might be time for Plan B,” Yank said. He paged through the short stack of papers on the table and then dropped them with a dull thump in front of him. “Yeah, definitely Plan B.”
“What’s Plan B?” Ben asked.
“The thing you do when Plan A doesn’t work out, obviously,” Yank said.
“I don’t think I have one,” Ben said.
“How can you not have a Plan B?”
“I didn’t think it would be necessary.”
“Plan B is always necessary,” Yank said. “Nothing stays good forever. In fact, the average shelf life of something good is about six days. Six days, Ohio. How can you walk through life without a Plan B when at any given moment you’re less than a week away from everything going to hell?”
“If that’s the case, then I’m even more screwed than I thought,” Ben said.
“How do you figure?”
“I don’t think I have a Plan A either.”
“Funny thing about life, Ohio. If you don’t choose a Plan A, one will be chosen for you,” Yank said. “Plan A never lasts, anyway. Plan B is what gets you where you’re going.”
“So you actually have a Plan B?”
“Of course I do.”
“Even though I haven’t seen any evidence that you’re capable of making any other kind of plan, you have a Plan B?”
“Exactly. Why waste my time on any other kind of plan when Plan B is the only one that counts?”
“Then what is it?” Ben asked.
“I can’t tell you,” Yank said. “But rest assured it involves at least one border crossing, a bag of unmarked bills, a case of good tequila and a tight red dress.”
“You’re not wearing the red dress in this plan, right?”
“God, I hope not,” Yank said.
Another small group walked past the conference room, deep in an animated discussion. Ben didn’t recognize any of them, and he was pretty sure Yank didn’t either. When Yank recognized someone he usually shared a nasty comment, so his silence spoke volumes. Ben looked down to the other end of the table where Scott sat engrossed in his smartphone. Ben had no idea if he’d even noticed how long they’d been left waiting.
“Does it always work like this?” Ben asked. “Do you always have to sit around just waiting for him to show up?”
“Not all the time, but mostly,” Yank said. “Sometimes he’s got better stuff to do in the afternoon so he makes sure he’s on time for us so he can get us out of the way.”
“Kind of insulting, isn’t it?”
“What’ve you heard about this guy, Ohio?”
“That he’s an idiot,” Ben said.
“Hurtful.”
“You’re the one who told me he’s an idiot.”
“Still hurtful,” Yank said. “But it’s true, this client is an idiot. I’m sure he means well, but he can’t help it, he’s an idiot. Drove everyone who ever had to work with him crazy. I’m like the fourth or fifth person in charge of this job. He ran all the others off.”
“They have problems with this guy and they put you in charge of him?” Ben asked.
“Hard to believe, huh? But that’s what they did. I think they did it because they wanted me to blow up the relationship so he’d drop us. They got sick of him but they can’t drop him, so they put me here to force the issue.”
“There’s no way that happened,” Scott said without looking up from his phone.
“You can’t prove I’m wrong,” Yank said.
“You can’t prove you’re right. Your theory would require everyone we work for to have no business sense whatsoever.”
“I thought you said I can’t prove I’m right,” Yank said. “You just did it for me.”
“I’ll admit, I can’t think of a single reason why they’d put you in front of a client,” Scott said. “But there’s no way they did it so you could drive him off.”
“Yeah, that makes no sense,” Ben said. He probably wouldn’t have said anything if it were just him and Yank here, but Scott’s presence and comment gave Ben some cover.
“Oh, please, it’s passive/aggressive leadership at its best, which is something we specialize in,” Yank said. “If I piss off the client, he drops us and we’ve broken free of a delusional gasbag without getting our hands dirty. We love not getting our hands dirty. And as a bonus, since it’s now officially my fault we lost this guy, I’ve got a huge target on my back if someone decides they need to cut some salary from somewhere.
“But for some reason me and this idiot get along, so not only do I not kill the relationship, I get him to throw three more projects our way. Which means I’ve now done the exact opposite of what my bosses wanted me to do, but they can’t touch me because of all the money I brought in.”
“Wow, I knew you lived in a fantasy world, Yank, but I never realized just how far from reality it is,” Scott said, his thumbs now typing something on his phone. “You could practically ride a unicorn to work at this rate.”
“At least look in my direction if you’re gonna insult me like that,” Yank said. “What’s so damn interesting on that phone?”
“Just Facebook.”
“Come on, I know for a fact you don’t have enough friends to spend that much time on Facebook.”
“You’d be surprised,” Scott said.
“I’d be surprised if this idiot showed before noon.”
“If he’s this much of an idiot, why didn’t you just kill the relationship?” Ben asked.
“Ohio, this guy is an idiot, but he’s an idiot with money, which makes him the best kind of idiot you can find,” Yank said. “I want to keep him around in case one of my plans ever makes it to the financing phase.”
“What plans?” Ben asked.
“Much as I love working for the mouth-breathers we work for, I’m not staying here forever. I’m always on the lookout for something better. So when I’m ready to spin off my own company or franchise or religion, I might need to grab for a piece of this idiot’s checkbook.”
“Religion? You can’t start your own religion,” Scott said.
“Sure you can. You need the right business plan and infrastructure and enough backers with deep pockets, but it can be done.”
“And maybe some theology for your members to believe in,” Scott said.
“Sure, I guess. After the money, of course.”
“Of course.”
“This isn’t your Plan B, is it?” Ben asked.
“Of course not,” Yank replied. “It’s way down there on the list. Like Plan N or O or one of those other letters you run together when you say the alphabet fast. I’ve got lots of details to figure out before I can seriously consider it.”
“At least you’re putting the right amount of thought into it,” Scott said. “I hope work isn’t getting in the way.”
“I will say, however, that Plan B and my religion may end up having tequila in common,” Yank said, ignoring Scott.
“Now you’re talking,” Scott said, ignoring the fact that he was being ignored.
Ben looked past Yank and saw that the hallway was empty. Almost creepy empty, like the kind of empty that exists right before the zombies show up. He realized it was time to start shuffling his calendar around. They weren’t leaving this room any time soon.
“I’ll tell you, the biggest problem I have with the whole religion plan is that I don’t actually believe in religion. Any religion,” Yank said. “So I’m thinking that the instant I start this religion, I’ll stop believing it.”
“Tell you what, Yank, I’m way out ahead of you on that,” Scott said.
“Heretic.” Yank turned to face Ben. “I’ll be in the market for a few good disciples, Ohio. Keep that in mind.”
“Do disciples get health benefits?”
“Do not encourage him, Ben,” Scott said. “He’ll never stop if you do.”
“Ye of little faith,” Yank said. “If you stopped to consider the sheer amount of money out there waiting to be dumped into a new religion, you wouldn’t be talking like this. You’d be begging to get in on the ground floor.”
“The Book of Yank, chapter 3, verse 14,” Scott said.
“I’ll clean it up for the bible,” Yank said. “Ohio, write that down. And maybe start transcribing my other bits of wisdom. You never know how much stuff you’ll need to fill the holy books.”
“As soon as I hear some wisdom, I promise I’ll write it down,” Ben said.
“Et tu, Ohio? Keep it up and I’ll make you run this meeting.”
“That’s cruel and unusual punishment,” Scott said. “Maybe you are ready to start a religion.”
“I learned from nuns,” Yank said. “I know how to go hard core.”

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By Tgreen, September 10, 2012 11:43 pm

I was thinking of maybe writing something for the 9/11 anniversary, but it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes to realize I don’t have much to say on that. But I still wanted to do something. So what I decided to do was to reprint the Happy Friday 6th Anniversary XXXtravaganza, which, as you’ll see, was a tribute to NYC from the days before the towers came down. Lots of this material was out of date in November, 2001, when I first compiled it. It’s practically ancient history now. Maybe this November I’ll try to slap together a sequel with the NYC-themed jokes I’ve written since then. But for now, I’ll leave you with a look back at some good old days filtered through some bad old days. Maybe after a day of 9/11 retrospectives, this could give you a laugh.

And on that note, let’s take an unedited trip back to November, 2001, when we really had no idea what was coming next…

Hard as it might be to believe, when I started this e-mail six years ago most of the people on that original list were just getting e-mail for the first time. Now e-mail is ingrained in our lives. So you see how much progress we can make so quickly. On the other hand, when I started this e-mail six years ago the World Trade Center was still standing and no planes were crashing five blocks from my brother and sister-in-law’s house. So you see how quickly things can go bad. So I guess what I’m saying is we take a few steps up and we get knocked a few steps back and then every Friday I sum it up in a bad Top Ten list.

When I was trying to figure out how to mark this anniversary, one thing I noticed is that from the first sentence back in 1995, this e-mail was grounded right in New York City. Local news filled a lot of space every week and even as the list grew and more people from other cities (or other countries) signed on, New York City was one of the main characters. If OJ or Clinton or Dole eventually wore out their welcome, New York and its players rarely did.

Since September 11, this city has changed in more ways than I can even understand, much less explain. So I thought it would be fun to take a look back at what New York used to be like in, well, I guess now they’re the old days. While reading through old Happy Fridays to find today’s material, I was surprised at how many jokes I wouldn’t dare try right now. I mean, I’d tell them but a lot of you would get really pissed at me. Keep that in mind while you’re reading and I think you’ll be surprised at how different things are today.

A warning, though, before we start. If September 11 made Rudy Giuliani your own private super hero, you might want to delete this e-mail right now and come back next week. Rudy was a favorite target of Happy Friday, and not everyone is gonna want to see that anymore. Also, if September 11 made George Pataki your own private super hero, not only do you want to delete this e-mail but you might also want to seek professional help. I mean, jeez, he’s George Pataki.

Okay, so New York has changed rather quickly but obviously I’m lagging behind.

Anyway, if you do choose to read this too-long-by-half e-mail, here’s an idea of what you can expect. You’ll see complaints about New York weather, New York sports, and New York subways. You’ll also see appearances by many major New York figures, some of whom haven’t been mentioned here in a long time. You’ll see some old intros and even one of the old opening rhymes. There are some Top Ten lists and one song. And tucked away in the middle of all this is one joke written a few years ago but never seen in Happy Friday until today. Think of it as one of those “bonus” tracks you get in a CD boxed set.

So open your minds, shut your mouths, and get ready to take a step back into Olde New York, late 90s style…

11/17/95
From the home office in Soho, where a dollar and a dream isn’t enough to buy you a subway token, it’s Tgreen wishing you a Happy Friday.

12/1/95
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Holiday Season in New York City:
10. Annoying homeless guy on street corner replaced by annoying Salvation Army guy.
9. Misspelled “Happy Hannukah” signs appear in store windows.
8. Smith Barney announces more layoffs.
7. Mayor Giuliani demands that he be referred to as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Mayor”.
6. Greenwich Village-dwellers replace their body piercings with Christmas ornaments.
5. Sidewalk food vendors add eggnog and fruitcake to the menu.
4. Subway musicians serenade passengers with Kwanzaa carols.
3. Cab drivers shout “Happy Holidays” as they try to run you over.
2. O.J. takes advantage of sale at Bloomingdale’s to buy new gloves.
1. Old guys who like to sit children on their laps are hired, not arrested.

12/15/95
From the home office in Soho, where Jack Frost isn’t nipping at your nose, but Jack Pickpocket might be nipping at your wallet, it’s Happy Friday!

4/12/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That It’s Spring In New York:
10. George Steinbrenner fires somebody.
9. The homeless people start to bloom.
8. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
7. Dawn goes back to wearing just one winter coat.
6. The Islanders go home to play golf.
5. Street vendors stop storing hot dogs in their pants to keep warm.
4. The Jets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.
3. The subways stop getting delayed by snow and start getting delayed by rain.
2. Mayor Giuliani starts spring cleaning on his comb-over.
1. Cab drivers give off a fresh, spring scent.

5/10/96
It’s Happy Friday time
I’m trying not to whine
About the Ranger’s game
Though they were pretty lame

But I won’t shed a tear
While Happy Friday’s here
I’ll keep that all inside
Until they lose Game 5

5/24/96
New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed this Wednesday “Dwight Gooden Day.” Festivities included a special version of “Run, Hit and Slide” called “Drink, Smoke, and Snort.” Yankee owner George Steinbrenner celebrated by firing a ball boy.

6/14/96
It’s been a hot and wet week up here in New York City, but that really makes it sound a lot better than it actually was.

6/21/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs of Summer In New York:
10. Mailmen stop blaming lousy service on snow and start blaming it on neighborhood dogs
9. The Mets get mathematically eliminated from the playoffs
8. Tgreen does another Top Ten list
7. New York City landlords finally fix their broken furnaces
6. Mayor Giuliani starts sporting the warm weather comb-over
5. Dawn stops wearing her parka
4. Rowdy fans riot during ticket sales for John Tesh’s summer tour
3. Sidewalk donut vendors start dropping ice cubes into yesterday’s coffee and charging an extra dollar for it
2. Late night TV addicts show their pride by wearing Blu-blocker sunglasses fresh from the infomercial
1. MTA starts “Name That Smell” contest in the subway system

6/28/96
Authorities in upstate New York caused a furor this week when they gathered up a flock of Canadian geese that was littering the town with droppings and made hamburgers out of them. Mayor Giuliani immediately scheduled a news conference for later today to announce his new plan to handle New York City’s problems with pigeons, rats, and squeegee men.

7/19/96
Speaking of Grand Central, the other day there was a bomb scare in the station, and a whole section of the waiting area was closed off. A square area about 50 feet on each side. Closed off with police tape. To protect people from a bomb. I guess what I’m getting at here is that either it must have been a very small bomb or that was some really strong police tape. Either way, I hope the New York Metro North Police aren’t in charge of the Olympic security.

7/29/96
I walked over to the new Virgin Megastore here in Manhattan this weekend, and that involved a little trip through Times Square. My, how things have changed. Instead of large advertisements for sex shows, there are big pictures of Andre Agassi and Wayne Gretzky advertising their All Star Cafe. I’m pretty sure when you go into the All Star Cafe and ask them to toss you a salad it’s quite different than in the old Times Square.

8/2/96
And finally, a new study shows that more and more New Yorkers are becoming hooked on gambling and the state has the most problem gamblers in the country. I bet they’re wrong about that.

8/9/96
In Sports, Darryl Strawberry hit three home runs in one game this week, prompting Yankee announcer Phil Rizutto to speak fondly about a particularly good cannoli he ate back in 1972.

8/16/96
In Sports, the New York Mets and the San Diego Padres play a historic series this weekend in Mexico. Met fans everywhere are hoping that the entire team defects to Mexico and never returns. In a related story, the Yankees were originally scheduled to play in Mexico, but team officials were afraid the return trip would take too long with Dwight and Darryl both having to go through that inspection at the border.

9/6/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani blasted the USTA for requiring planes to avoid flying over the US Open while matches were being played. Apparently the planes were disruptive because the fans saw them and realized that a plane ticket to almost anywhere was cheaper than the hot dog they just bought at the concession stand.

10/9/96
The Jets lost another game, huh? I think I can just incorporate that into my standard signature file for the rest of the season.

In honor of controversial ballplayer Roberto Alomar’s arrival in New York, disk jockeys from Z100 have been passing a jar around, asking Yankee fans to spit in it. They hope to present Alomar with the jar this afternoon. Hmmm, a jar filled with the spit of Yankee fans? You couldn’t get me to carry that around if you let me wear 2 of those “Outbreak” virus protection suits.

10/11/96
And finally, a 12-year-old New Jersey boy reached over the wall and snared a fly ball that was ruled a home run, allowing the Yankees to tie and eventually win Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. No 12-year-old boy has handled a ball this famous since Michael Jackson’s last sleepover party.

10/21/96
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani was hailed as a hero this weekend when he used his comb-over to prop up a bridge washed out during the Nor’easter, saving a busload of children.

11/15/96
And finally, the New York City Transit Authority, in an attempt to shorten the amount of time an average commuter spends in the subway, announced a new plan whereby all subways will only keep their doors open for 45 seconds at each stop before moving on. In addition, all muggings must be completed in under a minute and anyone who rubs a part of their body against a total stranger on a packed train must take no more than 20 seconds to do so.

12/6/96
Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Christmas Season In New York:
10. Bars start serving “Long Island Egg Nog”
9. Sightings of “Homeless Claus” on city streets
8. Times Square hookers start offering to “Roast Your Chestnuts”
7. Pickpockets still take your wallet, but they leave behind a candy cane
6. Subways sprayed with fresh pine scent
5. Al Roker does the weather wearing a white beard
4. Supermarkets start stocking “Fruitcake Helper”
3. City cops tell criminals to have a Holly Jolly night in jail
2. Parking lot owners stop overcharging for parking spaces and start overcharging for Christmas trees
1. Ceremonial lighting of Rudy Giuliani’s comb-over

12/13/96
New York City cops this week began giving out $50 tickets to anyone taking up more than one seat on the subway. This should provide a great incentive to watch what you eat at the office Christmas party lest your butt start to creep into the seat next to you and cost you $50. Because honestly, if you’re going to spend $50 on a piece of ass, you don’t want it to be your own.

12/20/96
It’s pretty cold out there in New York today. How cold is it? Well, it’s so cold that Mayor Giuliani had them put an extra layer of fiberglass insulation into his comb-over. It’s so cold that the temperature almost dipped to the number of games the Jets have won this season.

1/10/97
Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday. For those of you in other parts of the country, we did have a little snow on the ground yesterday here in New York. Fortunately, as part of Mayor Giuliani’s crackdown on “quality of life” problems, NYPD officers quickly evicted the snow from the street and forced it to spend the night in a shelter.

New York City Real Estate mogul Harry Helmsley died earlier this week, which is actually a small price to pay to finally get away from Leona.

1/17/97
The New York Rangers debuted their new third uniform this week, but they quickly discovered that their fans were still able to recognize them by their lousy play. Rangers GM announced that if the team continues to play poorly on home ice against bad teams, their next step would be to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2/21/97
New York’s Senator Al D’Amato was in hot water this week when it was revealed that he transferred $1.9 million from a Republican campaign fund directly into the campaign of George Pataki during Pataki’s run for governor. Republicans aren’t mad that D’Amato transferred the money, they just feel that for $1.9 million he could have gotten them someone better than George Pataki.

Five Long Island housewives were busted this week for being part of an international drug ring. Apparently they hid the drugs in pouches sewn into New York Islander jackets, and airport officials were always too busy snickering at the Islanders silly logo to think about searching the women for drugs.

2/27/97
A gunman opened fire at the Empire State Building this weekend. Unfortunately, neither of the buildings owners, Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley, were there at the time.

3/14/97
New York City Police Commissioner Howard Safir was hospitalized for emergency double-bypass surgery last week. Mayor Giuliani immediately put a positive spin on things, claiming that under previous mayors Safir would have required triple or possibly even quadruple bypass surgery, so that’s just one more thing that’s gotten better since he was elected.

3/21/97
New York Governor George Pataki gave a speech in Ohio this week and earned $15,000, which is kind of funny because that’s about what the average New Yorker would be willing to pay if the Governor would just shut up.

3/28/97
I was pouring milk on my cereal the other day and whose picture did I see on the carton but the Rangers’ offense.

4/4/97
This week a Federal judge recommended that to end a decades-long dispute, New York and New Jersey should agree to split Ellis Island. New York, unfortunately, must still keep sole possession of Al D’Amato.

4/18/97
New York City officials announced plans to introduce into the city’s ecosystem several species that have been missing for many decades. Starting in May, chipmunks will be placed in Central Park; woodchucks will be placed in the Bronx; box turtles will be placed in Brooklyn; and nonpartisan, rational politicians will be placed in the city government.

New York Governor George Pataki alerted his Lt. Governor, Betsy McCaughey Ross, by letter that he would be dropping her from the ticket during his reelection campaign in 1998. State officials are not sure if the letter is really binding, however, since no one said, “D’Amato Says,” before it was sent.

5/2/97
I saw “Volcano” last weekend. Even filled with molten lava the LA subway stations looked nicer than my local 6 train stop.

5/9/97
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani appears in this week’s “Amazing Spider-Man” newspaper strip asking Spider-Man to help him defeat an undead creature from the past who is rampaging through the city causing serious damage to Giuliani’s reputation. We’ll find out this Sunday if Spidey is willing to help the Mayor, and if their combined forces will be enough to silence former Mayor Ed Koch’s criticism of Giuliani’s policies.

5/16/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons Godzilla Came To New York:
10. Hopes to catch Marla Maples Trump on the rebound
9. Heard about the Happy Friday party
8. Wants to stop “Live with Regis and Kathie Lee” once and for all
7. George Steinbrenner wanted a second Japanese pitcher
6. Looking to get back the ten bucks King Kong owes him
5. Can’t be the scariest monster ever until he takes on Leona Helmsley
4. Big craving for street-vendor hot dogs
3. Wants to renew his subscription to the New York Post
2. Needs to put some money into a 401(k) plan now or he’ll never have enough when he’s ready to retire
1. Hot date with the Statue of Liberty

5/30/97
Senator Al D’Amato nominated a blind judge to a federal judgeship in New York this week. Now he just needs judges who speak no evil and hear no evil and he can do whatever he wants.

6/13/97
The Walt Disney company is holding a huge Electrical Parade in honor of the world premiere of Hercules this weekend. The lineup of floats will travel down 42nd Street this weekend, and in honor of Disney’s new Times Square location, several new characters will premiere at the parade. Among them are the new Dwarves Gropey, Druggie, Horny and Rudy.

7/3/97
A recent survey showed that New York City is the number 1 city that people want to move to from other parts of the country. Surprisingly, most of them said the main reason they want to move here is to vote against Al Sharpton in this year’s Mayoral election.

8/8/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways New York Celebrated Garth Brooks Day:
10. Spitoons on the subway
9. Police force replaced by rodeo clowns
8. Street vendors have special sale on Buffalo kabobs
7. Squeegee guys decked out in chaps and spurs
6. Detectives encouraged to hog-tie suspects
5. Yellow cabs replaced by hay rides
4. Subway announcements begin with “Y’all”
3. Cow tipping on Wall Street
2. Traffic signals changed to “Twostep,” “Don’t Twostep” signs
1. Mayor Giuliani sports special 10-gallon comb-over

9/12/97
The Reverend Al Sharpton forced a run-off election in this week’s primaries to see who will challenge Mayor Giuliani in this November’s elections. In related news, the Devil was seen buying a scarf and some warm mittens, just in case.

The Statue of Liberty was closed last Sunday due to strange odors caused by a sewage problem, which is odd because they sure don’t close New Jersey for essentially the same problem.

9/26/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten New York Autumn Activities:
10. Help corner hot dog vendor finish off June hot dog shipment
9. Practice “Wait ’til next year” chant with Giants fans
8. Paint taxicabs with festive jack o lantern designs
7. Help put leg warmers on the Statue of Liberty
6. Ride the Staten Island Ferry in a Pilgrim costume and then wander lower Manhattan asking where Plymouth Rock is
5. Forget about apple picking, do some pocket picking instead
4. Return those New York Mets World Series tickets
3. Run on down to McDonalds for some “Pumpkin McNuggets”
2. Go bobbing for subway tokens
1. Rake leaves from Mayor Giuliani’s comb-over

10/10/97
New York’s Mayor Giuliani paid off a bet with Cleveland’s mayor by sending him 10 pounds of striped bass from the East River. Ten pounds of fish from the East River?!? What was Cleveland going to send if the Indians lost, a 10-pound jar of cyanide?

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons For This Week’s Warm Weather In New York:
10. Steam from under George Steinbrenner’s collar got loose
9. Someone left the door open at my dad’s house and that does heat the whole neighborhood after all
8. Leftover hot air from the Giuliani/Messinger debate
7. Donald Trump’s deal with the Devil altered to include young blonde girlfriends and heatwave in October
6. Extra heat generated by bonfire of unnecessary Yankee World Series tickets
5. All corner hot dog vendors went in for annual water changing at the same time
4. Galactic forces thrown into chaos due to 4-2 record of New York Jets
3. Secret Transit Authority subway heater accidentally pointing the wrong way
2. Heat turned up so the Rolling Stones don’t catch a chill while performing here next week
1. Bill Gates’ Microsoft Autumn still has a couple of bugs in it

11/7/97
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Rudy Giuliani Celebrated His Reelection:
10. Painted comb-over red, white and blue
9. Had cops write loitering ticket for the Statue of Liberty
8. Gave George Steinbrenner a big, wet kiss
7. Stuck a few pins in his Ed Koch voodoo doll
6. Visited some important constituents backstage at Scores
5. Climbed to the top of the World Trade Center and mooned New Jersey
4. Left obscene message on David Dinkins’ answering machine
3. Ordered the police force to start wearing these snappy brown shirts he got on sale
2. Planned invasion of Poland
1. Promised that the trains would run on time

1/16/98
New York’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced this week that he wants to crack down on jaywalkers and will force pedestrians to only cross at intersections and only at green lights. After he accomplishes this, Giuliani said he will part the East River, send a swarm of locusts into New Jersey, and slay a giant with the jawbone of a Pataki.

1/23/98
Two New Yorkers set a world’s record for fastest trip through the entire subway system this week. They visited all 469 stations in 25 hours and 11 minutes, which is only about 3 hours longer than the average evening commute on the 2 train.

1/28/98
Chinese New Yorkers marked their New Year without their traditional fireworks due to a city fireworks ban. Critics complain that the fireworks law is not fair and point to a recent Rolling Stones concert where fireworks were used as an example. They say that the Chinese should also be allowed to use fireworks because their New Year has been celebrated for the last 4696 years, while the Rolling Stones have only been around for about half that long.

Two New York City subway cars collided on an elevated track this week derailing several cars and starting a fire. Fortunately, with the new Metrocard you get 11 derailments for the price of 10.

2/20/98
New York State Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey Ross had a scare when her rented plane lost an engine, hit the ground and caught fire shortly after takeoff. In a statement, Governor Pataki said he had no idea how that wrench and those bolts got into his office.

In trying to calm us down, the police are saying that New York is fully prepared to deal with any kind of gas attack in the subways. I’d feel a lot more confident about that if they could just show us they can get rid of that funky smell the subway has every summer.

3/6/98
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has written a childrens’ book about what kids can be when they grow up. Among the possibilities suggested by the mayor are: player on the New York Yankees, opera singer, cop, fireman, lord and master of all you survey to the point where you can have someone executed for jaywalking in front of City Hall…bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Oh, sorry, that last one came not from Giuliani’s childrens’ book but from his personal diary.

3/13/98
And finally, New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani appeared on stage at a press banquet dressed as the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast,” where he performed a version of “Be Our Guest” that went a little something like this:

It’s my hair
That I wear
Not some wig
That needs repair

It will sit there
Where I comb it
With some Brylcreem
And a prayer

3/27/98
And finally, Mayor Giuliani has a new plan to give the best beat cops a $1,400 bonus. The Patrolman’s Benevolent Association has come out against the plan, saying that it will discriminate against cops doing other kinds of work. Coming out strongly in favor of the plan is Dunkin’ Donuts, for what a company spokesman said were “obvious reasons.”

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs It’s Spring In New York:
10. Local weather forecasters ditch frowny snowflake graphic and start using smiley sun graphic
9. George Steinbrenner fires Old Man Winter
8. Hot dog vendors start wearing t-shirts and shorts…and hairnets for their arms and legs
7. Mallomar hoarding begins at local supermarkets
6. Storeowners put up signs proving there are lots of different ways to spell “matzo”
5. Scientists announce they still don’t know what the hell is in the center of the Cadbury Creme Egg
4. Tgreen does this same damn Top Ten List
3. Donald Trump explains to his latest girlfriend that the Easter Bunny isn’t real
2. New York Mets take the first of 162 shots at mediocrity
1. Mayor Giuliani dyes his combover a festive pastel color

4/17/98
Hello everyone and welcome to the end of a pretty weird week here in New York City. First off we had that 500-lb steel joint fall from the ceiling at Yankee Stadium, which when you think about it was probably the heaviest thing to fall at the Stadium since George Steinbrenner slipped in his luxury box.

4/28/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Watching the Playoffs:
10. Pat Riley breaks out the lucky tube of Brylcreem
9. Refs look the other way for everything short of a stick forced through the esophagus
8. Daily appearance of Spike Lee during postgame highlights
7. ESPN announcers contractually required to utter the phrase “Lord Stanley” every 6 minutes
6. Last 30 seconds of the basketball game take 10 minutes to play instead of the usual 5
5. Sudden glut of post-game interviews with Esa Tikkanen
4. Knick players start practicing their post season excuses during timeouts
3. Martin Brodeur coughs up overtime goal
2. Color Commentator’s every story somehow mentions Michael Jordan
1. No more Islander games on TV

5/1/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things Rudy Giuliani Plans To Take Credit For:
10. Hiding vital national security secrets under his comb over
9. Keeping the Jets the hell out of New York
8. Having Danny Bonaduce on the radio here prevents other washed-up former TV stars like Todd Bridges or Jerry Mathers from getting their own shows
7. Unusually warm winter that kept subways extra-fragrant all year long
6. Al Roker hasn’t broken out of the Today show set and eaten innocent bystanders yet
5. Unexpected high draft pick for New York Rangers this year
4. Average citizens can walk right up to the City Hall steps and probably not get shot on sight
3. Miniskirts along Broadway
2. Donald Trump doesn’t own the whole town yet
1. Everyone in the city is no more than 10 blocks from Chinese take out at 3 AM

5/8/98
You know, I think Knicks fans all over the city were excited over the prospect of getting the “old Patrick Ewing” back for the playoffs until they realized that the “old Patrick Ewing” never actually won a championship either.

5/22/98
Yankee pitcher David Wells pitched a perfect game this week, and to honor him Mayor Giuliani gave Wells the key to the city. Wells proceeded to use the key to open up the city’s liquor cabinet.

12/4/98
New York’s Transit Authority announced this week that is has a $379 million surplus. This money is now expected to pay for 112 new subway cars, 173 new buses, and 800 new panhandlers.

12/11/98
Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Would Be Different If Rudy Giuliani Was In Charge:
10. All elves had better be able to show proof of citizenship or they ain’t working this year
9. Frosty the Snowman constantly busted for loitering
8. No more looking under the Christmas tree for gifts — now you look under the Christmas combover
7. During the month of December, all crime scenes will be roped-off with garland instead of police tape
6. He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’re turnstile jumping, he knows when you’re jaywalking, he knows when you’re littering, he knows when…oh, never mind
5. Manger scene will be locked behind concrete barriers for security purposes
4. New task force formed to break up mistletoe smuggling ring
3. Twelve days of Christmas now cut down to eight for budgetary reasons
2. New reindeer games facility to be built on West Side of Manhattan
1. “Decking the halls” now a quality of life violation

1/8/99
Can you believe this? People are saying that First Lady (at least for the time being) Hillary Clinton would be a great candidate for Pat Moynihan’s Senate seat when Moynihan retires in 2001. To qualify, Hillary would have to establish a New York address and I hear that she’s interested in doing so. Bill was also interested in moving to New York until he heard that we cleaned up Times Square.

2/5/99
And if you need another reason to love this place, New York is probably the only city where you can hear a news report about a bridge that’s collapsing that includes the quote, “…but it’s not too dangerous because only part of the bridge is falling into the river…” We just don’t scare easy here.

8/27/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Unexpected Sights During Yesterday’s Storm:
10. Homeless people huddling near the subway tracks enjoying a heaping bowl of ‘Subway Platform Stew’
9. West Side hookers for once complaining about getting wet
8. Mayor Giuliani trying to float Yankee Stadium down to the West Side of Manhattan
7. Cab drivers stranded on FDR taking the chance to get their weekly baths in a little early
6. A visiting President Clinton offering to help by looking for the dyke and asking if he had to use his finger
5. Celine Dion singing that goddamn ‘My Heart Will Go On’ song as city bus sinks into giant pothole on 6th Ave
4. Soaked pedestrians huddling from the rain in the doorway of an electronics store despite the fact that every TV in the window was tuned in to ‘The View’
3. Hot dog vendors building a life-saving dam out of stale buns and knishes
2. Metro North commuters each being handed a paddle for the commute home
1. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton using her carpetbag as a floatation device

10/1/99
So the encephalitis-bearing mosquitoes have moved from the city to Westchester and Connecticut? Fucking yuppie bugs.

10/29/99
Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Yankees Ticker Tape Parade:
10. Mayor Giuliani taking yet another opportunity to fit his entire head up Steinbrenner’s ass
9. The snappy dish who climbed on my shoulders during the 1986 Mets parade still trying in vain to find me again
8. Darryl Strawberry looking to party like it’s 1999
7. Yogi Berra looking to party like it’s 1959
6. Lead float eluding Jets defense and scoring late fourth quarter TD
5. Derek Jeter receiving more marriage proposals than you’ve had dates
4. Lifelong Yankee fan Hillary Clinton accidentally referring to every black player as “Sammy Sosa”
3. Pete Rose betting on who gives the longest speech
2. Newspaper headline announcing that hell has frozen over (Sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things To Watch For At The New York Rangers Ticker Tape Parade)
1. Al Gore bragging on how he invented the Ticker Tape Parade

12/10/99
Did you see the latest news from the Fulton Fish Market? Apparently they’ve been selling fish caught in polluted New York waters to local restaurants. They would have gotten away with it too, if Jimmy Hoffa’s cufflink hadn’t turned up in someone’s Filet-O-Fish.

6/23/00
And speaking of turning things around a bit, a short while back Mayor Giuliani, in the span of like a week, announced he had prostate cancer, announced he had a girlfriend, announced he was getting a divorce, and announced he wasn’t running for the Senate after all. In fact, we soon learned that while he was married he’d actually had at least two affairs, which made me wonder if he really had prostate cancer or if, in fact, he’d simply worn the damn thing out.

9/15/00
Rats. Rats, rats, rats, rats, rats. Am I trying to sneak a subliminal message past you all? Nope. I’m just describing my morning commute on the subway.

9/22/00
You know, I watched another Rick Lazio speech this week and I really think he might be a good candidate once he goes through puberty.

10/20/00
Tgreen’s Top Ten Advantages To A Subway Series:
10. It really pisses off Ted Turner
9. Chinatown sweatshops get to add third shift to handle all the knockoff t-shirt manufacturing
8. Brooklyn Brewery offers special commemorative “bottle-throwing” 6-pack
7. Won’t have to turn on CNN’s Middle East coverage to see burning, flipped over cars and rioting in the streets — just look out your window
6. Duracell will break sales record on D batteries during Yankee home games
5. Long-time New Yorker Hillary Clinton won’t have to stray too far from home to enjoy some baseball
4. If you have a pulse, a baseball hat and an opinion, you can get interviewed on the local news!
3. No need for a 15-hour tape delay
2. At any given moment there’s a reason to show tape of the ball rolling through Buckner’s legs
1. First game, first inning, Mets up 1-0, Steinbrenner fires someone

11/8/00
And in bigger news, Hillary Clinton is the new junior Senator from New York State. I have to give Hillary credit. Most women, when they find out that their husbands are getting blowjobs on the side, get the TV, the car or even the house. Hillary got New York. That’s a hell of an accomplishment and she deserves congratulations.

It is funny that Rick Lazio barely got the word “concede” out of his mouth before Chuck Schumer jumped in front of the cameras to introduce Hillary. Somehow he managed not to trample any small children in his mad rush to get to the podium, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

12/15/00
Ah, Christmas. Christmas in New York is a very special time. People come here from all over the world, looking to find the true spirit of Christmas. Well, I found it for them. Yes, I discovered the true spirit of Christmas about a week and a half ago when I noticed that some of Santa’s elves had visited Virgin Megastore and raised the price of every CD by a dollar from what they cost the week before. There’s the real spirit of Christmas, folks.

1/5/01
My favorite part of that display was when the mayor whipped out pictures he’d taken himself from a helicopter over the airport. It’s good to know that the mayor goes out on patrol in search of crimes. Now I know why he stopped the tours of the old subway station beneath City Hall. He’s turned it into his very own Batcave. Any night now we’ll see the Comb-over Signal in the sky.

1/19/01
Okay, so let me get this straight. Senator Hillary Clinton goes in for her first day of work representing New York State, and that very same morning New York City has an earthquake? What are we gonna get the first time she casts a vote, locusts?

It’s almost enough to make you miss Al D’Amato. Almost. I’d like to actually meet the locusts before I make a final decision.

2/2/01
I had a lot to do today, so I was going to ask my good buddy Kerry Collins to forward this e-mail for me, but then I realized the e-mail would probably get intercepted, so here I am.

Rudy Giuliani was also in the news this week after signing a $3 million contract to write two books. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that neither one of them is a book on hair care.

5/4/01
In sports news, New York Jets owner Woody Johnson is allegedly considering moving the team to Los Angeles. Naturally, this idea is causing huge protests. In Los Angeles.

And there you have it, just a taste of Olde New York. I can remember those days like they were only 2 and a half months ago. Which they kind of were. I hope you enjoyed this look into the past, and if you didn’t I hope you aren’t pissed that I brought back some bad memories.

To put together this e-mail I compiled a 45 page document that included just about every New York-related joke I ever wrote in Happy Friday. Most of that document didn’t make the cut today (so if you were underwhelmed by this e-mail just keep in mind this was the best stuff and so it could’ve been much worse). While reading through all those old e-mails I was reminded of all the crap you folks have put up with over the last 6 years. Well, thanks for sticking around. As I seem to write every year, I’m not sure how much longer this e-mail will go on. I’m especially unsure these days, but I can promise that at least I’ll try to entertain you every week right here in this e-mail. The key word being “try”, so get off my back.

T “I’ve outlasted Bubba Clinton and Al D’Amato and Rudy Giuliani, so who’s next?” green
——————————————————————————-
All contents Copyright 2001, Tgreen
Next Wednesday we’ll have a little Thanksgiving humor, and you can probably start today by giving thanks that this e-mail is finally over.

“I’m going to New York City
I’ve never really been there, just like the way it sounds
I heard the girls are pretty
There must be something happening there it’s just too big a town”
s. earle

“The world won’t wait and I watched you shake
But honey, I don’t blame you
Hell, I still love you New York”
r. adams

Comments (0)

By Tgreen, March 2, 2012 10:27 am

Hello and welcome to a much shorter than usual edition of Happy Friday! You’re welcome.

Today is Employee Appreciation Day here in the US, and I know that for some of you, this revelation is little more than an excuse to gripe and moan about how little you’re actually appreciated at your job. And that’s okay. But maybe you’re appreciated more than you realize. Maybe your boss shows you appreciation in ways you’re just not seeing. It’s possible, right? If you don’t believe me now, I’m sure you will after you’ve read…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Your Boss Shows Appreciation To You:

10. Keeps you on site for many extra hours every night just because she likes having you around
9. Fears you might fall victim to a Ponzi scheme of some sort if you had too much money just lying around, so he underpays you
8. Ensures you won’t catch some nasty bug in the bathroom by keeping it so dirty you wouldn’t spend a second longer in there than you actually had to
7. Helps boost the creative side of your brain by being so bad at her job you spend all day thinking up ways to eliminate her
6. Boosts your ego by surrounding you with idiots and guaranteeing you feel like the smartest one in the room
5. Provides no free snacks or drinks in the break room so that it’s easier for you to watch your weight
4. Promotes warm feeling of nostalgia by filling the workplace with the finest equipment 1998 had to offer
3. Keeps holidays and vacation time to a minimum so you don’t succumb to laziness
2. Practically guarantees you a spot in heaven by inspiring you to pray daily, “Lord, please send me to a better place than this”
1. Keeps you so busy you rarely have time to read crappy Top Ten lists during the day anyway

So there you have it, documented proof that under that crusty, cheap, half-insane exterior, your boss likes you. Your boss really, really likes you. Now stop your whining and get back to work.

T “this list is intended for comedic purposes only and any resemblance between items on this list and any real life situations is unintended and purely coincidental and I hope this disclaimer is enough to keep me out of trouble because I really need my job and I didn’t write this anyway, I copied it from my 3-year-old nephew, which is why it’s written better than usual” green

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By Tgreen, June 10, 2011 8:30 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that has chosen to define the word “weekly” as “appears whenever the hell I want it to” in order to not technically be lying about the schedule around here. But I need to be careful, because it’s just that kind of thinking that could accidentally get me into politics and apparently once you get into politics you’re contractually obligated to either send a picture of your underwear zone to your Twitter followers or be a hypocritical douche about every single point for the rest of your career. And frankly, Twitter’s already asked me to stop sending out those pictures on at least a half dozen occasions.

And speaking of underwear zone pictures, NY Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted this week that his Twitter account wasn’t hacked, as he originally claimed, and that he actually did send out a lewd picture of his weiner to one of his Twitter followers. But it could’ve been worse, since I’m told his nickname in college was “Taint,” so we probably all dodged a bullet on what kind of picture he could’ve sent out.

The day after Weiner held his press conference about the picture and vowed not to resign, news leaked that his wife is 3 months pregnant. Which is great, because if there’s one thing worse than living with a hellaciously pissed off wife, it’s probably living with a hellaciously pissed off wife who’s going through 9 months of hormone spikes. And ironically, it was Weiner’s weiner that caused this problem in the first place and then made it worse for him. What’s it going to do to him next, show up in a nightvision video with a Khardashian sister?

In other political news, this week GOP presidential contender Newt Gingrich saw his entire campaign staff resign at once. While this does seem to seriously damage the former House Speaker’s chances of getting elected, things could be worse. His staff could’ve told him it was leaving while he was laid up in the hospital fighting cancer. So look on the bright side, Newt.

This week rumors surfaced that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is interested in leaving her post to take a job running the World Bank. And I have to say that during a week when the biggest news story involves a sex scandal and a penis, Hillary is not the Clinton whose name I would expect to turn up.

In sports news, this week in the NBA finals, the Miami Heat’s LeBron James has only scored about 4 more 4th quarter points than I have, which is probably not what Miami had been counting on when they signed him.

In other sports news, this week the NHL is also holding the Stanley Cup finals. And by writing that sentence , I may have just doubled the amount of coverage the NHL gets in the media at this time of year.

In entertainment news, reports say that work has begun on the script for The Hangover 3. Since that work mostly involves a search and replace on the Hangover 2 script to change the name of the city it takes place in, they could start shooting this masterpiece by next Tuesday afternoon.

Last night a Black Eyed Peas concert in Central Park had to be cancelled due to a torrential downpour, thus proving that sometimes Mother Nature is looking out for us after all, lack of daily tornado attacks on Ke$ha’s house notwithstanding.

New York City is partnering with AT&T to bring free WiFi to several city parks. Possibly including some that fall within Anthony Weiner’s district. So be careful if you get a tweet from him that promises a nature photo.

This week officials in Alaska are releasing 42,199 pages of emails from Sarah Palin’s half-term in office, nearly 3 years after they were originally requested. Officials explained the delay by claiming they wanted to release them 3 years ago but it just took this long for their spellchecker to fix all the mistakes that kept them from being readable.

And in Breaking News, the Happy Friday News Team has just read the first Sarah Palin email. The subject line says “I can haz VP job?” it would appear that 3 years wasn’t a long enough wait.

This week DC comics announced that it’s rebooting its entire line of comics this September, while at the same time making all new issues available to purchase digitally on the same day they’re released into stores. And in related news, several thousand men in their 20s and 30s announced that starting in September they have one less reason to ever leave the house.

As the whole Anthony Weiner story unfolded, the Congressman admitted that besides sending the one lewd picture that became public, he’d also been involved in online relationships with six other women, which immediately raised the question of what other pictures he might have been sending out. Question no longer, as you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Questionable Things Anthony Weiner Sent Out On Twitter:
10. Picture of him at Sarah Palin rally
9. Recipe for his version of McDonald’s special sauce
8. Picture of him in Wonder Woman Underoos
7. The five Ke$ha lyrics that have touched his soul
6. A hundred-page text file outlining how the 2009 Star Trek movie could not possibly have been connected to the original Star Trek universe
5. Autographed picture of Bill Clinton’s penis
4. Several poorly-written Top Ten lists attributed to someone named “Tgreen”
3. Map with directions to his three favorite Chili’s restaurants
2. Link to pirated version of upcoming Green Lantern movie that’s still missing most of its special effects shots and is therefore approximately 3 minutes long
1. Picture of Lady Gaga’s penis

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next week (uh, yeah, sure, let’s go with that), stay cool, stay hydrated, stay the hell off of Twitter when you’re lounging around in your underwear and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “would it kill Heather Graham to send out a couple of lewd photos? I’m just saying” green

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By Tgreen, April 9, 2011 12:15 pm

On this special Saturday edition, we’re going back to Happy Friday’s humble roots. Back before the News Roundup and the rhymes and the infinite number of OJ jokes and Introduce Yourself and the Timmy Mooney Hall of Fame and the website and the comic strip and the blog and the busted-up hotel rooms and the drugs and the groupies and the sex tapes and the public fights and the dwindling sales and the stints in rehab and the jail sentences and the multiple parole violations and the failed comeback tours and the reality shows and the feuds and getting banned from Conan O’Brien’s new show and the failed live show and the comic book that got pulled because of some unintentional indecency and the unfortunate Happy Meal scandal and especially back before this rambling and slightly made-up paragraph started. Back to the very first Happy Friday, when it was nothing more than a Top Ten list about the then-current 1995 government shutdown.

We came close this time around. Really, really close. Down to the last hour, supposedly. I say “supposedly” because I’m pretty positive that they knew they were making a deal and just needed to stall long enough for John Boehner to stop blubbering, Barack Obama to get back from his local Communist Party meeting, and Rush Limbaugh to figure out exactly everything he hates about the deal so he can tell his audience on Monday what it’s supposed to think because otherwise how will it know?

However it happened, this time around they managed to avoid driving everything off the cliff. The players have all changed (thought somehow Newt Gingrich managed to make my Top Ten list both times), and maybe that’s the difference. But even though the government remains open for business (which is probably for the best because if the government was closed where were all those lobbyists going to hang out?), one result is the same as last time. And that result? Once again we get undeniable proof that we as a nation suck at electing politicians who will actually do the job we elected them to do, plus a lame Top Ten list explaining it all. Which part of that is worse? Only you can decide. So without further delay, let’s go old school with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons the US Government Almost Shut Down This Week:
10. All part of secret plan to lull Qadafi into a false sense of security
9. Everyone in Congress bought tickets to Charlie Sheen’s live show, was too busy winning to do any work
8. April Fool’s joke gone awry
7. Because Obama’s an America-hating socialist who won’t show us his birth certificate and is a closet union-loving Muslim liberal who doesn’t like the Easter Bunny, or something
6. Someone on Fox News said it was a good idea
5. Because the government almost shuts down any time someone says Newt Gingrich’s name 3 times on Meet the Press
4. They finally ran out of ways to be useless, and needed time to come up with some new ones
3. No one wants to be on duty once the inevitable international incidents stemming from filming The Jersey Shore in Italy start rolling in
2. Latest budget plan smudged until it’s illegible by John Boehner’s tears
1. Heard Trump wants to run it and figured it was safer to just hide out until he loses interest

Of course, since the government actually did shut down before, and since that did inspire the original Happy Friday email way back in 1995, here’s your chance to see what’s changed in the last 15 1/2 years (not much, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it) and to judge if I’ve gotten any funnier in the last 15 1/2 years (not really, because I’d have used an OJ joke in today’s list if I could’ve gotten away with it). Take a look at the very first Happy Friday Top Ten list…

And now, The Top Ten Reasons the US Government Shut Down Tuesday:
10. Bill Clinton sent all 800,000 government employees home to watch an Elvis movie marathon on TBS.
9. National holiday declared for “Screw the Poor Week.”
8. Bob Dole lost his pen and won’t let the government offices open up until he finds it.
7. Due to a lawsuit, Congress had to fire everyone who’d ever been hit on by Senator Packwood.
6. Local theater started half-price matinee of Ace Ventura 2.
5. Government employees ran out of Post-it notes, paper clips, and scissors to pilfer from office supply rooms.
4. Hillary said so.
3. Newt Gingrich fired everyone who didn’t buy his book.
2. New David Hasselhoff album went on sale.
1. Rumor spread that OJ was in town with a little time to kill.

Now get back to the rest of your day secure in the knowledge that we have a government that’s as efficient and productive today as we had yesterday (uh, wait, what?) and have a Happy, er, Saturday!

T “editing on the fly” green

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By Tgreen, April 8, 2011 10:00 am

Hello everybody and welcome to Happy Friday! And just how happy a Friday is it? Well, we’ve got a possible government shutdown looming at midnight, so if you’re like me and you enjoy a good political trainwreck, then it’s pretty damn happy. But what if you’re not like me? Besides being one lucky son of a bitch, where can you go to see your concerns vented? Well, just for today, I’ve got you covered too. Today while we wait out those bastards in DC, let’s take a look at both sides of the story in double Top Ten list form. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Look Forward To A Government Shutdown:
10. No more FCC means someone can finally show Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, which is literally the only reason she ever got famous in the first place
9. How can your payment to the IRS be late if there’s no one there to take in the mail?
8. No government = no chance of ever having to say “President Gingrich”
7. Finally a political story to bump Obama’s birth certificate down a notch in importance (Fox News viewers can safely ignore this one)
6. Jay Leno can go back to his 1995 joke vault, thereby updating his nightly material by at least a decade
5. Vegas will start giving odds on who can resolve things first, Democrats and Republicans or NFL owners and players
4. Chances of us finding a fourth Middle East war to get involved in drop by at least 10%
3. No government means there’s one less thing for Sarah Palin to offer her “expert analysis” about
2. At least now Barack Obama will have some free time to start replying to all those “Congratulations!” emails he got back in November, 2008
1. Finally John Boehner has something to cry about

And if you don’t agree with all that, maybe you’ll agree with this…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons This Government Shutdown Is A Terrible Idea:
10. Dick Cheney might finally be able to launch his takeover attempt from his secret base on the moon
9. Lack of new government news might mean Fox and MSNBC will have to start airing reruns from the Clinton and Bush years
8. We no longer have Larry King to ease us through this troubled time
7. That unemployment extension check isn’t gonna mail itself, you know
6. All those poor members of Congress who made this happen are going to lose their paychecks and might end up out on the streets…oh, wait
5. Bill Clinton could try to swing by the White House to check up on the current crop of interns
4. Canada might realize this would be the perfect time to launch their secret invasion plan
3. Anti-government crackpots are suddenly gonna have a lot of free time on their hands until they figure out who they’re supposed to hate now
2. Little-known Constitutional loophole reverts control of USA back to England if government shuts down for two weeks, and that might interfere with the Royal Wedding plans
1. Barack Obama will have plenty of free time to Photoshop himself a birth certificate

So there you have it, the pros and cons of the government shutdown, all in convenient Top Ten form. Now go on and do something productive for the rest of the day. If you can pry yourself away from Farmville long enough, that is.

T “point/counterpoint” green

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By Tgreen, March 21, 2011 11:19 pm

25 years ago next week, during my last semester as a senior in high school, I created a comic strip for my friends. Sgt. Suarez and his Howling Commandos was poorly drawn, crudely lettered, and barely plotted, with a title that was a huge copyright violation all by itself. It was a mix of action and comedy designed to make fun of my classmates while kind of commenting on what was going on in the world at the time. Then final product wasn’t anything great, but the period of April-June 1986 is one of those crazy, ultra-creative periods of my life, and I’m happy with what I produced back then, eye-straining artwork and all.

The reason I’m thinking about this strip now, and writing about it here in this blog, is because of the massive case of deja vu I had when I realized this was its 25th anniversary. As I mentioned, the strip included current events in between the bad jokes at my friends’ expense. And two 1986 events that got major play in the strip were the nuclear disaster at Chernobyl and the bombings of Libya. And this week, as I contemplate a 25-year-old comic strip, what’s dominating the news? A nuclear disaster in Japan and the bombing of Libya. The more things change, huh?

Near as I can recall, in the comic strip an invasion of Libya accidentally led to a war with Canada, and somewhere in the middle of that the title character gains some sort of super power after being involved in a nuclear accident. Hey, I said it was barely plotted, and it’s probably been at least a decade since I read the damn thing. But nuclear disaster and Libya were definitely in there.

Later this week I’m gonna have to dig out the old strips and read them so I can see how all of this is gonna work out. I could scan some of them in and post them, but they’re so bad looking I’m not sure I should. And considering some of the stuff I’ve been willing to share with the world, that’s gotta tell you how bad these really must be. And yet they unknowingly offered a peek at the future, so that should count for something.

If only I could match that 1986 level of creativity and work in 2011. Then I’d have something.