Comments (0)

By Tgreen, September 13, 2009 9:00 am

Hello and welcome to another edition of Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that is ready for some football, thank you very much.

This week it was revealed that most casinos are reporting a downturn in revenue this year, which is definitely a sign of trouble ahead because you have to realize, Trump’s hair looks the way it does now with full casino revenue rolling in. Do we really want to see what it’ll look like if he has to start scrimping on hair care products? So get yourself to the nearest craps table before it’s too late.

NASA and the Canadian Space Agency this week signed a framework agreement Wednesday for cooperative activities in the exploration and use of outer space for peaceful purposes. Can’t wait to see what Canada’s bringing to the table here. The first back bacon sandwich in orbit? Or the first zero-G hockey game? Though that would kind of go against the whole “peaceful purposes” thing by halfway through the first period.

This week eBay featured an online auction to win a private dinner with Sarah Palin. The winner, along with four friends, will be able to have dinner with the former Alaska Governor, her husband, and whatever imaginary enemies of democracy she happens to be carrying around in her head that day.

A South African mom recently opened a baby hotel for frazzled and/or in-need parents. The Baby Hotel – open 24/7 in an upscale Johannesburg suburb – lets parents check their children into their own room for about $70 a night, though the minibar stocked with formula, baby food and fresh binkies can drive the price up very quickly.

An Indiana court ruled this week that a pizza shop must pay for a 340-pound employee’s weight-loss surgery to ensure the success of another operation for a back injury he suffered at work. The judge was particularly emphatic that the pizza shop’s proposed solution – one free pizza a day for life – was not in the employee’s best interests no matter how quickly he tried to reach a settlement once it was offered.

Ten Maryland nuns – almost their entire religious community – converted from the Episcopal Church to Catholicism on Thursday, saying their former denomination had become too liberal in its acceptance of homosexuality. “Our Church was inching way too close to a 20th Century point of view,” one of the nuns said, “and we’re really more comfortable with a 16th Century point of view, so we had to make a change.”

This week Apple CEO Steve Jobs returned to the public spotlight for the first time since taking a medical leave earlier this year. He unveiled upgrades to the iTunes store, several different iPod models, and the brand new iCatheter, a music device that must be inserted directly into the penis before any songs can be played. Jobs said there was no real need for such a product, but he knew that if Apple made a music player that needed to be inserted into the penis, rabid Apple fanboys all over the world would buy it by the truckload. And I have to admit, the sound is pretty awesome.

Thirty years ago this week, ESPN launched with the debut of its flagship show, SportsCenter. Thirty years ago next week, ESPN anchor Chris Berman debuted his famous “backbackbackbackback” home run call. And thirty years ago two weeks from now, I debuted the pulsing vein on my forehead that appears any time I hear Chris Berman on TV.

A new green checkmark label that is starting to show up on store shelves is part of a new plan to help shoppers find healthy foods at the supermarket. The label will eventually appear on hundreds of packages, though some nutritionists are wondering why the label appears on sugar-laden cereals like Cocoa Krispies and Froot Loops. If that bugs them, they’re really gonna go nuts when it shows up next year on boxes of my new instant breakfast product BaconBaconBaconBaconBaconBacon Wrapped in BaconBaconBaconBaconBaconBacon.

Controversy this week at Breckinridge County High School, where it was revealed that the football coach took about 20 players on a school bus late last month to his church, where nearly half of them were baptized without their parents’ knowledge or permission. The other half just spent a couple of hours in quiet contemplation with some priests. Their parents are now suing.

The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey will invite leaders of cities and towns throughout the country to ask for pieces of World Trade Center steel for memorials. The Port Authority has filled about 25 requests in the last year, and has about a dozen more pending. While these memorials are a great idea, the steel is not being shipped out to make room for the new buildings they’re supposed to be constructing on the site. Because there’s still plenty of time to do that, apparently.

A new study into the origin of dogs, the largest study of its kind, suggests that wolves may have first been domesticated for their meat and not, as had first been believed, because prehistoric man needed someone around to eat his wife’s leftover meatloaf.

One in every 33 women who attend worship services regularly has been the target of sexual advances by a religious leader, a survey released Wednesday says. That’s still lower than the percentage of women who visit the Bill Clinton Presidential Library and report basically the same thing.

This week marks the start of another NFL season, which means it’s time to answer the age-old question, “Are you ready for some football?” Well, are you? Find out by checking with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That You’re Ready For Some Football:
10. You feel sudden and unquenchable craving for Turducken
9. You spent the past summer rooting for the Mets
8. You’ve finally purchased one item from every infomercial the networks have aired on Sunday afternoon since the last football season ended
7. Had two erotic dreams about Chris Collinsworth
6. Found yourself stiff-arming some guy trying to cut in line at the grocery store
5. You’ve been dying to use the word “Mangenius” in a sentence
4. Never could figure out how to spend the 50 bucks you’ve saved every week by not having the Lions to bet on
3. Got tired of being the only one on the block drinking a case of beer and eating 20 lbs of hot wings every Sunday
2. The restraining order keeping you out of the sports bar down the block is about to expire
1. Realized you’ve been spending too much time with your family

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to see if my job has finally killed my last working brain cell.

T “more a legend than a band” green