Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody! Any big news this week? Anything going on? Anything? Oh yeah, that’s right. This week the city of Cleveland hosted the 2016 Republican National Convention, or as it’s more commonly known, Scared & Angry Lives Matter.

Actually, with Trump running the show this week, this convention was less typical politics and more like the worst episode of The Apprentice. It’s tied for that honor with every other episode of The Apprentice. Though to be fair, any random episode of Celebrity Apprentice had more famous people than all 4 nights of this convention.

And that was an issue. The Republicans did have some problems with their guest list this week. Tim Tebow was invited to speak, but he turned them down. Tim Tebow, who played for the New York Jets, finally found a group too lame even for him.

Apparently Trump wanted Don King to speak but the Republicans said no. No one’s sure if he wanted King there to prove he actually does have a black friend, or to prove that there are worse haircuts out there than his.

The big story from the start of the convention was Melania Trump’s speech, which included passages borrowed from a speech given by First Lady Michelle Obama in 2008. After a couple of days of denials, a Trump speechwriter finally claimed responsibility for the plagiarized parts of the speech and offered to resign, but Trump rejected her offer. He also rejected resignations from Hillary Clinton, My Little Pony, the words “a”, “and” and “the”, and the English language itself, all of whom were blamed at one point or another for this nonsense by the Trump campaign.

After the flare-up over Melania Trump’s speech, Donald Trump Jr’s speech also came under fire for being plagiarized. However, in this case the Conservative writer who wrote the speech explained that he also wrote the article Trump Jr allegedly cribbed from, so there was no plagiarism involved. Now if only he hadn’t copied the speech’s themes from 1954.

And in honor of Melania Trump’s speech, I promise that this week’s Happy Friday will only be 7% plagiarized, because Chris Christie says that’s an appropriate amount. Though I only ever steal from my own stuff and Trump Jr’s speechwriter says that’s okay, so look out! There’s gotta be an OJ joke in this mess somewhere.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie used his speaking time at the RNC to roast Hillary Clinton over numerous offenses for which she has never been legally punished. Because if there’s anyone who knows anything about committing numerous offenses and not getting punished for them, it’s Chris Christie.

Christie also said that if elected, Donald Trump will immediately seek to purge the government of officials appointed by Barack Obama. That should take all of two seconds. It’s not like Congress ever let any of them get appointed in the first place.

Many photos of row upon row of empty seats at the convention have appeared online this week, but the situation is even worse than the pictures suggest, since the arena was even emptier before someone set it up as a Pokemon Go stadium.

And there were problems even when they found people to aim a camera at. I don’t want to say that some of the Republican politicians in attendance weren’t happy to be there, but I’ve seen more enthusiastic smiles in a hostage tape.

You know, I don’t think Rudy Giuliani yelled quite so much back when he still had the combover. Just saying.

During his acceptance speech, Trump talked about how he’s going to create jobs in this country, and he’s probably telling the truth about that. The man knows how to create jobs. I mean, he managed to get all his kids on the payroll and a couple of them don’t appear to be overly employable, if you know what I’m saying.

Actually, Trump isn’t even President yet and he’s already created a ton of new jobs. Every major media outlet in the country has been forced to triple its fact-checking department just to try to keep up with him.

I kid, of course. Everyone knows Trump is immune to fact checking like he got the vaccine for it. Really, he created all those jobs when Canada put a second and then a third shift on the construction of their border wall.

In his acceptance speech Trump also promised that at his convention, there would be no more lies. Then he wrapped things up five seconds later to give himself a fighting chance at keeping that promise.

Probably the worst thing to come out of this convention, besides the fact that we weren’t allowed to actually watch Chris Christie get the news that he wasn’t going to be the Vice President nominee, is the idea that Scott Baio has opinions about politics that rate interviews on legitimate news programs. Because he does not.

Though the sad thing is, Scott Baio actually lifted the fame level of the convention guests to a solid D+.

Senator Ted Cruz caused a big uproar when he chose not to endorse Donald Trump during his RNC speech. Instead, Cruz urged voters to vote with their consciences. Or, alternatively, to not vote at all until 2020, when maybe a dashing, youngish, Canadian-born candidate might catch their eye and rate a second look, maybe.

Chris Christie called Cruz’s decision pass on an endorsement “totally selfish,” and if there’s anyone who knows anything about being totally selfish, it’s Chris Christie.

Even worse than the snub from Cruz, the Trump campaign was dealt a huge setback when only 3 Horsemen of the Apocalypse endorsed the candidate.

Perhaps the most uncomfortable moment in the convention was when the representatives from WomenTrumpCheatedOnHisWivesWithsylvania were refused the chance to speak. This despite the fact that they had more delegates than, say, New Hampshire.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell got booed during his time on stage this week. Said McConnell, “If I wanted to get treated like this I could’ve just stayed at home.”

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker had an awkward moment on stage when he used part of his speaking time to say, “It’s just sad in America that we have such poor choices right now.” Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what he said before he got the invitation to speak at the convention.

When the state delegates announced their votes for Trump, Chris Christie allowed his son to announce for New Jersey. Which is appropriate, because if there’s anyone who knows anything about letting someone else do his job while he’s busy holding Trump’s jockstrap, it’s Chris Christie.

Newt Gingrich left Cleveland without being the worst thing about the convention. In a statement released after he left town, Gingrich explained that he was as surprised as you are by this turn of events, and he will just have to try harder next time.

The convention ended rather suddenly when, immediately after his acceptance speech, Donald Trump shook hands with car accident survivor Johnny Smith, who seemed visibly upset by the encounter and ran from the stage with an intense look in his eyes.

Not every speech in Cleveland was at the RNC. In a speech given outside the convention, Caitlyn Jenner said this week that it was harder for her to come out as a Republican than as transgender. In large part this was because it’s so hard to figure out which bathroom to use during an anti-LGBT rights rally.

While not at the convention or even in Cleveland, former New York governor George Pataki was also busy this week, announcing his four-point plan for building the perfect burrito bowl at Chipotle.

In media news, Fox News founder Roger Ailes resigned from the network this week in the wake of a sexual harassment suit filed by former correspondent Gretchen Carlson. While battling for his job over the past two weeks, Ailes expressed surprise at the problem, claiming that Bill O’Reilly never complained even once at any of the sexual advances, and actually claimed to enjoy them.

The theme to this week’s RNC was “Scare America Shitless Again,” because the GOP always goes with what works. But after a week of piling on the fear, in his acceptance speech, Donald Trump offered himself as the one man who could save us from such horrible ends. It took him a little over an hour, but he managed to list every threat he stands ready to defeat, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Donald Trump Promised to Protect Us From:

10. Return of the Burger King from those old commercials

9. Creepy clowns in sewers

8. Man buns

7. Sharknados

6. Reboot of Star Trek: Voyager

5. Billy Ray Cyrus comeback tour

4. Any more pictures of him grabbing at Ivanka’s ass

3. Facts

2. Opportunities to discuss legitimate problems in anything longer than a shouted slogan that blames immigrants

1. Secretary of State Gary Busey (wait, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Trump’s Totally Gonna Try To Make Happen If He Gets Elected)

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stock up on orange spray tanner, build that wall, try not to let work ruin a perfectly good Friday, don’t waste too much time worrying if his $80 million payout is enough to get Roger Ailes through his golden years, win Powerball, stay out of the heat, try to figure out if Reince Priebus is a politician’s name or a rare Pokemon, go see that new Star Trek movie and stand up in the middle of it and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, try and figure out how many times I’ve made that same “joke” in the last 20 years, don’t fuck with Leslie Jones on Twitter, bust out your DVDs of The Apprentice and wax nostalgic over the good old days, don’t lay a finger on Chris Christie’s Butterfinger, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “wait a second, I have to watch another week of this shit? Goddammit” green