I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, the official sign that your week is completely unsalvageable.

This week Kid Rock gave his endorsement to Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. This is a big deal, because Kid Rock is not known for giving too many things. In fact, the last time Kid Rock gave anyone anything was that time he gave some groupie gonorrhea.

After making an announcement earlier this week, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez plays his last game Friday night at Yankee Stadium. When asked why he played for another week after deciding to retire, he said he’d lost his receipt and would not be able to return his last bottle of steroids so he figured he’d at least try to get some use out of them.

Traffic on the BQE was stopped this week when a tractor trailer carrying Budweiser flipped over and spilled beer everywhere, which coincidentally is also the climactic scene in my spec script for Smokey and the Bandit 4.

Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow announced this week that he wants to pursue a career as a baseball player and will be working out with all Major League Baseball teams. And if this career falls through, he’ll be looking into what it takes to be an astronaut or a cowboy or a pirate or an army man.

A new study claims that book readers live longer than people who don’t read books. Happy Friday readers, on the other hand, often find themselves craving the sweet release of death somewhere around item 6 of the Top List.

In other science news, new research suggests that being lazy is a sign of high intelligence. At least that’s what the article’s headline said. I didn’t bother to actually click through and read the whole thing.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in a body of water in Broward County, Florida this week. Fortunately, since this is Florida we’re talking about, 80% of the population is immune.

This week marked the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first website went online. Which means that next week marks the 25th anniversary of the day the world’s first porn website went online.

This week Donald Trump said he wants to debate pretty badly. And he probably will.

But really, Trump said he’ll debate, but only if some of his conditions are met. First, all moderators must be from an approved list of people whose last name is Trump. Second, no questions that are not about how great he is. And third — and this one might be the deal breaker right here — no Hillary.

A former aide to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said the governor lied about his knowledge of his administration’s involvement in the George Washington Bridge lane closures. Her proof that Christie was lying? The governor’s lips were moving and there wasn’t a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity.

Christie quickly responded to the accusation with a forceful denial. Said Christie, “You better believe there was a pork roll with cheese in the vicinity, and I’ll punch any man who says otherwise.”

 
The water in two pools at the Summer Games in Rio turned green this week, and no one has been able to figure out why. They also can’t figure out why the water suddenly tastes like Lime Kool-Aid.

This week Donald Trump said that President Obama founded the terrorist organization ISIS. And he didn’t even use it to target poor and gullible Americans to max out their credit cards to register, proving that the President doesn’t know a damn thing about the business world.

Newly-released emails show that there was lots of overlap between Hillary Clinton’s State Department and her work for the Clinton Foundation. Which means that if anyone ever called her an Amazon, they didn’t mean she was a strong fighter. They meant she was the place to go for the best deals in one-stop shopping.

Two parents were arrested this week for trying to smuggle 7 lbs of methamphetamine from Mexico to the US. The would have gotten away with it, too, but officials grew suspicious of the baby’s “Lil’ Heisenberg” onesie.

Police in Toronto responded to reports of an armed man who turned out to be a cardboard cutout of the Terminator. It took the Toronto officers 3 hours to subdue the cutout.

This week a California company announced that it built the world’s largest dildo, which is currently running 14 points behind Hillary Clinton in the latest polls.

A 23-year-old Michigan man drowned this week in a vat of molasses. Slowly.

Former Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders this week bought his 3rd home, a lake house that cost $600K. At least now we know how much it cost to get him to walk away from the campaign quietly.

A man attempted to scale Trump Tower this week, prompting several newspaper editorials that wondered if he was a threat or a menace. And also prompting Trump to take a closer look at the materials he plans to use when he builds his wall.

And finally, a judge ordered online host Glenn Beck to reveal the identities of two sources who told him that a Saudi Arabian student provided the money behind the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. And even worse for Beck, the judge said that he can’t claim “the voices in my head” for both of them.

Little Known Fact Department: In the original draft of the bible, on the 7th day God built a Death Star. This was edited out because worshippers did not find it very comforting.

There’s a Groupon out there for 42% off admission to a hatchet-throwing place in New Jersey. And if you do it wrong, you can actually end up getting a lot more than 42% off.

As the Olympics come along every 4 years, so do complaints about NBC’s coverage of the games. The main complaint, of course, is that NBC shows too many of the big events on tape delay. We all know why they do it — because someone’s gotta watch those McDonalds commercials that pay for this thing — but still, you have to admit that sometimes NBC goes too far. I mean, Wednesday night they finally played the Men’s 400M Butterfly semifinals from 1996.

Yes, the 1996 Olympics, also known as the Olympics where an 11-year-old Michael Phelps only won 10 gold medals.

It was revealed this week that former Fox News boss Roger Ailes used to hire private investigators to spy on potential rivals, even going so far as to set them up on dates in order to make the spying easier. He did this for years. Is it possible that you were ever considered to be one of those rivals? Did Roger Ailes pull a fast one on you? You’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Know You Dated A Roger Ailes Spy:
10. He kept asking you to come to bed so he could introduce you to Rupert

9. Her Goodreads bookshelf included every book ever written by Bill O’Reilly

8. Every time he made a dinner reservation he made it for “the party of Lincoln”

7. She referred to her genitalia as the “Great Communicator”

6. He couldn’t sleep unless he was on the right side of the bed

5. She unconsciously flinched any time she walked past a picture of Jabba the Hutt

4. He always lost at Scrabble because he refused to use the letters M, S, N, B or C

3. She only ate at restaurants with glass tables that allowed her to show off her legs

2. He couldn’t get aroused until you whispered excerpts from Ronald Reagan’s 1981 Inauguration speech in his ear

1. She asked you to stick your O’Reilly into her Hannity

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not to lose a bundle wagering on Olympic Badminton, stay out of the heat, learn that poem, be sure to examine every frame of the latest Star Wars trailer to see if you can spot Jar-Jar’s cameo, put the medicine on the treat, don’t get caught looking for the Messiah while the Women’s Beach Volleyball is on, don’t ride the local, wonder if last night’s meteor shower was the closest some of your fellow commuters have come to a shower of any kind lately, watch out for over-enthusiastic 2nd Amendment, uh, voters and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “when are they gonna make mini-golf an Olympic event?” green