I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Have a Coke and a…wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me, Walmart?!?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

“Trump’s Grrrrrrrreat! Goddammit, that’s not even my catchphrase. Morey, did the check clear? Did that check from Trump’s people clear yet?!?

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

It’s alive! Alive!!!

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

“He could. Go. All. The. Way!”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green