Sure, do an Election Day update. It’s fast, it’s easy, and it only takes a day. There’s no way it could go as badly as the last time you tried it back in 2000. No way at all…

Last night while several battleground states were still counting votes, President Trump prematurely declared victory. If you may recall, Stormy Daniels warned us this was a possibility with him.

What I don’t understand is why so many people were surprised he did it. All signs pointed to this happening, the biggest sign, of course, being that he’d previously said he wouldn’t do it. Saying one thing while he’s planning to do the opposite is kind of his tell.

I think a lot of people voted for Trump because they figured with four more years he might finally — even if completely by accident — release his health care plan.

Granted, most of them voted for him because of the white supremacy, but some did it for the health care thing.

And some did it only for the Tweets:

I wonder if it’s possible for that IRS audit to last another four years, though.

Trump also announced he’s asking for a recount in Wisconsin, which is his right. Candidates have to pay for recalls they ask for, at a cost of approximately $3 million, so I would strongly suggest that Wisconsin get that money up front, if you know what I mean.

Joe Biden, in contrast, has spoken twice about patience. Patience in waiting for all the ballots to be counted. Patience in waiting for him to get his transition team up and running. Patience in waiting for the Democratic Party to become a party people actually want to vote for, and not just occasionally feel like they have to vote for to prevent the GOP from turning the country into an authoritarian nightmare.

To be honest, I’m not sure I can live long enough to see that last one.

Trump is actually threatening at least 3 lawsuits right now, and even Rudy Giuliani can’t handle all of them, so it’s obvious the President is going to need some more lawyers. I wonder if he’s desperate enough yet to give this guy a call…

And that’s all we have time for today. Tune in tomorrow for another Election Day Update, since it’s obvious this is just going to drag on forever at this point.

T “I declare that every Happy Friday Top Ten List in history was hilarious” green