They said it couldn’t be done, but here it is — a second Happy Friday! in a row!

Oh, wait a second, now that I look closer at these messages, they actually said it shouldn’t be done. Wow, how embarrassing. Oh well, I’ve already started typing, so here goes…

This week a 24-foot-long basking shark washed ashore on Long Island, making it the largest washed-up creature on Long Island since Billy Joel tried to become a classical musician.

Basking sharks have no teeth, making them look slightly less scary, and 3 times as fake, as the shark from Jaws.

And in other marine life news, thousands of 5-foot long flying squid have invaded the coast of San Diego, terrifying tourists, scuba divers, and pretty much anyone who didn’t know the words “flying” and “squid” could sit together in the same sentence like that.

The Los Angeles County Coroner’s office announced this week that Michael Jackson’s autopsy results will be delayed by 2 weeks. Apparently they’re gonna need a lot more White-Out than they originally thought.

Microsoft this week announced that it plans to open a series of stores across the country — stores that will be located near existing Apple Stores and that will not be retail outlets as much as showcases for Microsoft products. And in related news, Apple’s recently-recovered-from-liver-transplant-surgery CEO Steve Jobs announced he’s taking another 6 months off to recover from the laughing fit he broke into upon hearing this news.

Not to pick on Microsoft or anything, but if I wanted to showcase my new operating system Windows 7, I wouldn’t want to do it right next door to a place that sells Apple’s OSX. I’d want to sell it next door to a place that sells a much worse operating system, like maybe Windows Vista. Oh, wait, never mind.

Enjoy reading that on your PC running Vista and IE8, by the way.

Researchers at Newcastle University in England reported this week that they’ve coaxed the first human sperm cells from embryonic stem cells, just 11 years after the first human-embryonic-stem-cell line was created. And in a related story, thousands of 11-year-old boys managed to coax out a bunch of human sperm cells using nothing more than some YouTube clips of Megan Fox running in slow motion.

Yeah, I know, there was a sperm joke last week as well. It’s not my fault that’s what’s in the news these days. Don’t blame me. Blame Obama. I watched Fox News for about 5 minutes the other day and I learned that apparently he’s responsible for everything else, so why not this too?

In political news, Sarah Palin this week announced that she plans to cross the country stumping for politicians who she thinks would be good for the country, and said that this could include Democrats too. And in related news, the Democrats changed their phone number and moved without leaving a forwarding address.

The company that bought the naming rights for Chicago’s Sears Tower announced this week that it’s going to rename the building the Willis Tower. Whatchutalkinbout, Willis?!?

The Emmy nominations were announced this week, and for the first time since The Flintstones, an animated show was nominated as Best Comedy Series. That show? Family Guy. The implications? Somehow we’ve managed to change the meaning of the words “Best” and “Comedy” without anybody noticing. If only I could find some way to use that to my advantage.

In other Entertainment news, this week former Beatle Paul McCartney performed a concert on the marquee at the Ed Sullivan Theater in Manhattan. Not to be outdone, former Beatle Ringo Starr banged out a snappy solo on a garbage can lid while putting out his recycling.

This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission that first landed men on the moon. To mark the occasion, NASA released some digitally-restored video from the moon landing while at the same time announcing that the much of the original video has been lost, in large part because NASA recycled the tapes it was stored on. So let me get this straight. I could go on YouTube right now and watch clips from every season of CBS’ Big Brother, but future generations won’t have access to the original video of the first moon landing because someone at NASA needed someplace to record their home movies from their trip to the Cape? Next you’re gonna tell me that Family Guy was nominated for Best Comedy Series. I just can’t believe it.

Actually, I shouldn’t really be so surprised that recordings were lost. After all, these men landed on the moon during the Nixon administration, and, well, you know how good they were at keeping track of their recordings.

Despite the fact that the original video may be lost forever, we do still have copies of all the footage of the moon landings, and they’re some of the most impressive sights in human history. And if you happen to catch a retrospective this weekend, take a moment to appreciate the amazing effort involved in putting men on the moon. And then, take another moment to wonder how different the event would be if it were happening today. Or, if you’re not in the mood for wondering, just take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways The Moon Landing Would Be Different If It Happened Today:
10. Astronauts’ space suits would have more advertiser patches than the average NASCAR driver
9. Neil Armstrong would deliver first words from lunar surface in a Tweet
8. Fifteen astronaut candidates would be whittled down to 3 winners in FOX reality show contest
7. MSNBC would be sure you understood that when President Obama spoke to the astronauts on the phone, he was still the most accomplished person involved in the phone call
6. Moon landing video would be second most-viewed YouTube video, coming in behind a 30-second clip of someone’s cat looking cute in a bonnet.
5. Plans to have astronauts reply to emails sent from all over the world would be put on hold when first 50 emails received are all from some banker in Nigeria
4. Conspiracy theorists would say the whole landing was faked, since we have about as much of a chance of putting men on the moon as Family Guy does of being nominated for Best Comedy Series
3. Larry King’s interview with the astronaut would open with question about their opinion of Moon Pies
2. Apollo program’s name would be changed to honor a more modern mythological figure — thus making the actual mission the Harry Potter 11 mission
1. NASA would be forced to perform first zero-G urine test for performance-enhancing drugs

And that’s all the time we have this week. Come back next time for more of the Best Comedy you’re going to find on the Internet. Hey, look at that, I did find a way to use it to my advantage! Woo hoo!

T “chemical fumes” green

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