Hello, I’m Tgreen. Welcome to the end of the world.

You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to write that.

Now, before we let things get too far out of hand, this end of the world is some end of the world allegedly predicted by the Mayans thousands of years ago and not the end of the world that’s predicted in the back of the bible. So, no horsemen of the Apocalypse and no fat lady singing, though I’m not sure if the fat lady singing is from the bible but for the purposes of this post we’ll pretend that she is. Because if the world really does end today, the last thing you’re gonna want to worry about is my lousy fact-checking skills.

That’s a pretty big if, though, isn’t it? If the world is gonna end. If the Mayans of all people figured it out all those years ago. The Mayans. When was the last time you even saw a Mayan? Exactly. If they weren’t able to predict their own demise, how am I supposed to believe they predicted the end of the world? But hey, if somehow it turns out the world ends on a Friday, might as well make it a Happy Friday. As the saying goes, the world will end not with a bang, but with a lame Top Ten list. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs the World Was Going to End Before This Mayan Thing Happened:
10. The announcement of the new 24-hour According to Jim channel
9. Eight seconds left, 4th quarter, Jets up by 10 in the Super Bowl
8. You win Powerball
7. Tgreen’s boss says, “Why don’t you take a long lunch and head home early today?”
6. Rush Limbaugh says something eloquent and reasonable
5. Trump hooks up with a woman who loves him for who he is and not for his bank account
4. John Madden sex tape gets released on the Internet
3. Rudy Giuliani suggests that maybe, just maybe, he took that “America’s Mayor” thing a little too far
2. Video turns up proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that OJ never killed anybody
1. Tgreen adds new joke to Top Ten list

So as you can see, I was pretty confident that the end of the world was a long way off. Can you blame me?

I think it’s mighty suspicious that the world ends right after the Pope joins Twitter. Just imagine what might have happened if he’d made his Instagram feed public. I mean, besides all those Justin Bieber pictures we would’ve had to look at.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, ABC recently announced it’s creating a sitcom based on his life. I swear if they name this thing Leave it to Bieber I may never turn on a TV again just to avoid the possibility of ever seeing even a second of it.

But then, if I never turned on my TV again how would I know what happens next week on Two and a Half Men? Wait a second, I smell a win/win situation here.

Not that we’ll need to worry about the Justin Bieber sitcom if the Mayans were right. I’ve done a little research into them and I’m not sure what to make of what I’ve learned. See if you’ve got a better understanding of things once you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Predicted:
10. There are WMDs in Iraq
9. America is gonna fall in love with Jar-Jar Binks
8. Jermaine will be the breakout star of the Jackson 5
7. Microsoft Bob will change the world
6. You can spin off any character from Friends and have a hit on your hands; it’s like printing money
5. Can’t go wrong with Tebow backing up Sanchez
4. The 2012/2013 NHL season will be one for the ages
3. You’ll never get people to drop $300 or more on a phone
2. New Coke will definitely be better than plain old Coke…it’s got “New” right there in the name
1. If you claim up front that you’re “Fair and Balanced” you can say whatever crazy shit you want and you’ll find people who will believe you

Hmmm, wait a second there, they might have been right on that last one. So, 1 for 10. If that was their batting average they could play outfield for the Mets next season.

In other sports news, the NHL lockout continues with no end in sight, and all that really means is that the remaining .00001% of the sports-watching population that wasn’t already not watching hockey is now not watching hockey.

Hockey is kind of like the Ron Paul of sports. People are vaguely aware it exists; if they have any opinion of it at all they think it’s more than a little weird; they mostly ignore it; when they do pay attention to it, it’s because they’re waiting for the train wreck to start.

And in political news, the United States this year reelected the world’s first Kenyan-born socialist fascist divorced and possibly gay president. At least, that’s the fair and balanced view of things.

In other political news, former pseudo-Presidential candidate Donald Trump is still a delusional creep, only now he’s managed to distill his delusional creepiness down to 140-character bites.

And if anything is going to survive the end of the world, it will be Trump’s hair. Whatever it’s constructed from, it will no doubt just move on and colonize another world when this one ends.

Of course, the biggest political issue staring us in the face as the world ends is the fiscal cliff. Honestly, if there was ever a cliff I wanted to see the White House and Congress plunge over, it sure as hell wasn’t a fiscal one.

Just out of curiosity, if the country does plunge over this fiscal cliff, which side breaks out W’s old “Mission Accomplished” banner, the Republicans or the Democrats? I can’t always tell anymore.

Rejected Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork died this week, prompting every person under the age of 40 to say. “Who?”

Ha, as if anyone under 40 even heard the news. I doubt it got announced during the finale of The Voice.

Apparently Justice Clarence Thomas was so broken up after hearing the news that he was unable to even speak while the Court was in session. Oh, wait…

Anyone see that trailer for the new Superman movie, Man of Steel? If so, could you tell me why it looks like Superman’s costume is, uh, ribbed for her pleasure? Serious question.

And speaking of Superman, since the world is ending and all, do we have a plan in place to launch a baby into space so he can land on another planet and be Superman there? Hindsight being 20/20 and all, someone really should’ve asked that question during the presidential debates.

In other movie news, anyone see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness? If so, could you tell me at what point in the movie Shatner’s gonna show up to tell us it’s all been a bad dream?

And speaking of bad dreams, you have to figure that if the world is still around on Saturday, anyone who believed in this whole Mayan thing is gonna wish the last few months were just a bad dream. I mean, if you’re convinced the world is gonna end, you might find yourself making choices you wouldn’t make otherwise. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways to Face Down a World That Didn’t End on 12/21/12:
10. Tell your boss you were acting out a scene as the evil Captain Kirk and of course you didn’t mean any of that crap you said on your way out the door Thursday night
9. Wash the taste out of your mouth and run from that apartment before anyone else wakes up
8. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in the next 2 years
7. Inquire about the possibility of a refund for that big bet you made on the Mets winning a World Series in your lifetime
6. Start working on an excuse to get out of that New Year’s party at your in-laws house that you thought the Mayans were gonna save you from
5. Consider erasing all those episodes of Jersey Shore from your DVR (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You Should Do Whether or Not You Ever Thought the World Was Ending, Because Seriously)
4. Find something to distract you enough to get that damn REM song out of your head
3. Delete those pictures you took early Friday morning because technically they’re now evidence
2. Run out and buy all those Christmas presents you thought you wouldn’t need
1. See if you still have the receipt for those Nikes and that purple robe

And that’s all we have time for today. If, somehow, the Mayans were right, then I’m sorry this could be the last thing you ever read. Otherwise, I’ll see you back here sooner or later for more of the same, but different. Until then, deck some halls, jingle some bells, have a shot, watch some football, have another shot, watch some hockey…oh, wait, don’t get eyestrain from playing with your Nook too much, learn that poem, strike a pose, swing by the Waffle House and say hi to Elvis, don’t believe the hype, back away from that emergency cache of Twinkies, catch the wave, remember the Alamo, bet with your head, not over it, keep on rolling with the flow, stop touching that, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes and, for maybe the last time ever, have a Happy Friday!

T “and I feel fine” green