Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s had all it can stands, and it can’t stands no more!

NFL QB Brett Favre came out of retirement this week and signed with the Minnesota Vikings. Former Vikings QB Fran Tarkenton blasted the move as a “circus.” But come on, he said the same thing when John Davidson returned from a contract dispute on That’s Incredible, so how can you even listen to him?

Hey, Brett Favre is old, so the references are old. It’s out of my hands.

In other sports news, the world track and field federation requested a gender test on an 18-year-old runner about three weeks ago amid speculation that she does not meet the requirements to compete as a woman. Officials became suspicious when her 12″ penis flopped out and broke the tape at the end of a race.

Plus, her last name is Semenya, which is probably one of the worst last names to have if you want to deflect suspicion that you’re not a woman.

The worst last name to have, by the way, is probably Ballscratchenya.

This week a hacker was busted for stealing 130 million credit card accounts.

And that’s how the escort service got charged to your husband’s credit card. Really.

In other computer news, a study shows that 40% of all Twitter posts are useless babbling. Which just proves that whoever did this study must have graded on a very, very generous curve.

Apple announced this week that it’s investigating a couple of instances where iPhones have exploded. So far theyBOOM! Ow.

This week while on vacation, the Obamas saw Old Faithful erupt — then they bid former President Clinton goodbye and headed to Yellowstone Park.

According to a survey taken by Westin hotels, 51% of respondents would prefer a perfect night’s sleep to great sex. Contrary to stereotype, more men than women picked sleep over sex, but a follow-up question revealed that this was only because the mattress doesn’t complain if the sleeping abruptly ends significantly earlier than planned.

And according to another survey, men are much more likely to seek and have casual sex than women, and are far less choosy about the looks of their sex partners. This survey was sponsored by your friends at Jose Cuervo.

The Swiss banking giant UBS on Wednesday reached a final deal with the Justice Department and the Internal Revenue Service in which it will disclose names and account details for more than 4,450 wealthy Americans suspected of tax evasion. And in a related story, the Republican Party has declared war on Switzerland.

And speaking of the GOP, former Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge will say in his upcoming memoir that in 2004 he was asked by administration officials to raise the nation’s security threat level to help boost George W Bush’s reelection chances. This revelation is shocking and just proves that some politicians will do anything to sell a book — even, as hard as it may be to believe, tell the truth.

A new study released this week shows that without landmarks to guide them, people walk around and around on circles. Finally, an explanation for my entire career! And most every company I’ve ever worked for!

Hurricane Bill this week threatened several islands in the Carribean. So far meteorologists have been unable to explain why the hurricane keeps making a beeline for the nearest dorms at women’s colleges.

Scientists at the Goddard Space Flight Center detected the amino acid glycine in comet bits brought back in 2006 by the NASA space probe Stardust. This discovery of a basic building block of life located somewhere other than the planet Earth will eventually help scientists figure out such great mysteries like why Tom DeLay will be a contestant on the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

Well, that Tom DeLay story was everywhere I looked the other day, so it must be that important.

Magician David Copperfield was hit with a sexual harrasment suit this week. Apparently he tried to pull the rabbit out of the wrong place this time.

The King of Pop’s burial will be delayed two days because, according to his father Joe Jackson, they still need to get a few more things before they’re ready. Like, for example, Joe Jackson needs to get in another beating or two while it’s still an option.

New polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have dropped from where they were at the end of his first hundred days. A White House spokesman says the President isn’t worried, but just in case he decides he needs a boost, he could do a lot worse than to consider…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Obama Can Regain Some Popularity:
10. Cheat on Hillary with an intern
9. Forget universal health care and give the people what they really want, universal free porn
8. Start off his weekly Internet address by kicking Joe Biden in the nads
7. Stock administration with people who look so evil he can’t help but look good in comparison — I hear Dick Cheney’s available
6. Turn health care debate into year-long episode of American Idol
5. Drag John Edwards and his illegitimate child around to remind everyone who they could’ve been stuck with as President
4. Promise to reveal spoilers for final season of Lost if his ratings go back above 60%
3. Ignore warnings about imminent al Qaeda attacks (hey, it worked for the last guy)
2. Read JFK bio, recreate one JFK policy per day, blog about it, and hope they can get Meryl Streep to play JFK in the movie
1. Outlaw all Top Ten Lists with fewer than three potential punchlines

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, keep cool and, if you ride the subway, please don’t forget the deodorant. Your fellow passengers thank you in advance.

T “indubitably” green

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