Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, your weekly chance to prove you know better by not dropping by here in the first place.

This week, without anybody even asking the question, Macauley Culkin’s representative said that the actor is not the biological father of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket. Not that they didn’t try, of course, but there are some things so twisted that even Michael Jackson couldn’t pull them off.

The top-selling bible in North America will undergo it’s first revision in 25 years, modernizing the language in some sections and promising to finally explain what God did on the 8th day, and whether or not it involved hanging out in the Jungle Room with Elvis, which has long been my theory.

According to a new interview with the Miss Universe choreographer, Donald Trump fixed part of the pageant to ensure that the prettiest girls make it through. So, Trump fixed his own beauty pageant? Really? Sure, and next you’ll be trying to tell me that’s not his real hair on his head. Sorry, I just can’t believe it.

In California, authorities say a clash between opponents and supporters of health care reform ended with one man biting off another man’s finger. Well, now, let’s see if that changes anyone’s mind on health care.

And apparently there’s no truth to the rumor that this only happened because Rush Limbaugh mistook some protestor’s finger for a Twinkie.

A new model for the origin of life says zinc may have played a vital role. Or, as it’s now being called in Texas science textbooks, Jesus Dust.

In sports news, this week it was learned that in the past 5 years the Washington Redskins have sued 125 fans for backing out of season ticket agreements. The Washington Redskins?!? You have to wonder if there’s grounds for a counter-suit in there somewhere from everyone who didn’t bail.

This just in, the Detroit Lions want to file suit against everyone who didn’t come to their games last season. Look for Detroit Lions v Planet Earth to hit the justice system any day now.

In other sports news, sports journalists are now being told that tweeting details of NFL games during the game is forbidden. However, if a journalist is at a game and wants to tweet about the turducken he had for dinner last night, that’s allowed thanks to the Madden Exemption.

During August, a Gallup poll said that an average of 45 percent of Americans identifed themselves as Democrats or leaning to the Democratic Party — a 7-point drop since January. The poll also found that 40 percent of those surveyed identified themselves as Republicans or leaning to the Republican Party. This leaves us with a potential 15% of Americans who can think for themselves, which all evidence suggests is still way too high, so somebody’s lying.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who resigned in a prostitution scandal in March 2008, is teaching a political science course as an adjunct professor at a New York City college. He got the job thanks to his winning a Clinton Fellowship grant for the upcoming year.

When asked what he thought about it, current New York governor David Patterson said he didn’t see this coming.

New reports say that outsourcing workers in India are stressed, depressed, and sick from overwork. I would just like to say to all those poor workers in India, welcome to capitalism, my Hindu friends.

And not to worry, in another year or two you won’t have to deal with any more job stresses when all your jobs are outsourced to Vietnam. Everybody wins!

A new study shows that 60% of adults can’t digest milk. However, that number quickly rises to 95% when you add Kahlua and vodka and blend it with some ice.

More complaints were filed last year against debt collectors than any other industry, the National Association of Attorneys General announced Monday. But that’s only because they won’t let us classify the IRS as an industry.

The Walt Disney Co. said this week that it’s acquiring Marvel Entertainment for $4 billion in cash and stock, bringing characters like Iron Man and Spider-Man under the same roof with Mickey Mouse and WALL-E. And setting the stage for Marvel Team Up: Wolverine and Tinkerbell, available soon at a comic shop near you.

New research reveals that adolescent girls who practice Tetris over a three-month period showed greater brain efficiency. The girls also had a thicker cortex than those in a control group, but once that was discovered, the girls in the control group teased the Tetris players for weeks over their fat cortexes until the Tetris players reduced their cortex size in the fastest way known to science — watching a marathon of shows on The CW.

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is reportedly considering a run for Ted Kennedy’s senate seat. In Schilling’s favor is the fact that he’s quite popular in the Boston area. Working against him, though, is the sad fact that as far as anyone knows, Schilling hasn’t killed even one secretary. So unless he can prove that blood on his sock wasn’t his, he might want to reconsider.

This weekend is Labor Day, the traditional end of summer here in the US. However, you didn’t need to know Labor Day was here to know the summer was about over, because the signs are obvious if you know where to look, starting with…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer’s Over:
10. Store shelves reach critical mass of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas items
9. Your school teacher friends stop acting so smug about all their vacation time and start refilling their Valium prescriptions
8. Baseball widows suddenly transform into football widows
7. More non-robots than robots on the movie theater screen
6. The A train becomes 12% less stinky
5. TV Guide stops using shows from TLC or Food Network in its What to Watch highlights and starts using broadcast networks again
4. You stop worrying about your kid surfing porn sites and start worrying about your kid surfing homework cheating sites
3. You find yourself wondering where you packed away the blankets
2. Girl-watching in city parks gradually begins to become less fun
1. Top Ten lists stop using the word “beach”, start using the word “rake”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Drop by again next week to see if the long weekend gives me time to come up with some fresh material (spoiler alert: it doesn’t). Until then, enjoy your last 3-day weekend for awhile, keep your Pepsi out of my Jack, get ready for some football, and, of course, have a Happy Friday!

T “fetch mommy a blanket, won’t you?” green

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