I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your weekly sign that you can stop holding out hope that things are gonna get better before the weekend. Because they’re not.

This week it was revealed that Yahoo scanned emails in cooperation with US intelligence officials. I sure hope they scanned mine, because it would mean at least one person read all the spam that gets sent there.

Facebook Marketplace, a new section of the app that allows users to buy and sell items, got off to a rocky start this week when Facebook was forced to apologize after illegal drugs, guns, sexual services and baby hedgehogs were listed for sale. And that was all just in the first posting.

Scientists declared this week that humanity’s impact on the earth is now so profound that a new geological epoch needs to be named. And so now we live in the Anthropocene Era. It’s just like Jurassic Park, but with less T-Rex and more Trump.

According to a new study, the ceiling to how old human beings can live is 115 years. “Amateurs,” said Larry King.

And in a related story, this week The Rolling Stones announced they’ll be releasing their new album, Blue and Lonesome, on December 2.

This week scientists announced that the first baby conceived by a controversial new “3 parent” technique was born. Apparently this 3 parent conception is very different from, but no less controversial than, the 3 parent conception method first developed at 1970s swinger parties.

This week SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans to have people going to Mars in the next 40–100 years. Or not nearly soon enough, in the case of some people.

Researchers in North Carolina concluded that men are more likely to believe in God after having sex. Which makes sense, since for a lot of men the existence of a kind and merciful God is the only believable reason they ever got to have sex in the first place.

This week the 2016 Vice Presidential debate was held in FarmVille, Virginia. Because apparently SimCity was already booked.

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump was roundly criticized for not preparing enough for his own debate, but he really dropped the ball this time. He was so unprepared for the VP debate he went on a 10-minute Twitter rant about Mike Pence before someone explained that Pence was his guy.

The GOP caused an awkward moment when it posted articles claiming victory at the debate before the debate had even started. And in related news, the New York Jets just posted an article about how they just won Super Bowl LI.

Hurricane Matthew hit Florida this week, causing Walt Disney World to close for only the 4th time in its 45-year history. But the good news is the wait time to ride Space Mountain is now down to only 90 minutes.

If Florida wants to get rid of Hurricane Matthew quickly, all they have to do is show it some Marco Rubio campaign commercials. That was more than enough to get me moving.

A Pennsylvania man was given 30 days to catch a wild rooster on his property before being penalized by his city. But on the plus side, if he catches the rooster not only does he avoid the penalty, but he’ll be ready for his rematch with Apollo Creed.

A 68-year-old Florida millionaire discovered this week that his 24-year-old wife was actually his biological granddaughter. He said that despite this incident, he still promises to make America great again if elected.

The New York Mets have assigned former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow to the same Arizona Fall League team that Michael Jordan once played on. And we all remember how well Michael Jordan’s baseball career went.

The MLB playoffs started this week, with many experts picking the Chicago Cubs to win their first World Series since 1908. The very idea of the Cubs winning it all has rarely seemed possible in the modern era, so if it does actually happen, it may open the door to some other things you never thought you’d see. As you’ll find out when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Impossible Things a Cubs World Series Victory Could Usher In:

10. First Lady named Melania

9. BJ and the Bear Deluxe Blu-ray set

8. New issue of the Poison Pen (still working on it, I promise)

7. Spinoff Star Wars movie featuring a Jar Jar/Ewoks team up

6. Super Bowl Champion New York Jets (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things You’ll Only Ever See Again In A Science Fiction Movie)

5. President Rubio

4. New Jello pudding commercials starring Bill Cosby

3. NJTransit trains that run on schedule more than 1 day in a row

2. Top Ten lists with 10 decent items

1. Supreme Court Justice Bill Clinton

And that’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next time for the funniest jokes you’re ever gonna find on the internet. I’m not sure where to tune in for that, since obviously you won’t find them here, but you’ve got a week to get Google working for you. Until then, steer clear of the hurricane, heckle this weekend’s debate, beware the creepy clown who’s standing on your lawn right now peeking through your window to watch you read this, buy your federally-mandated amount of memorabilia for the upcoming Star Wars movie, find some less racist ways to make America great, place your bets on which new TV show will be cancelled first and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it’s a small world after all” green