I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly post that’s just counting down the days until one way or the other, the country ends up a living, breathing Happy Friday joke.

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted Facebook, Google and Twitter for burying the story about the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails. I have to admit I totally missed this story at first. I was too busy reading all 6,000 stories about Hillary and the FBI that turned up in my Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Of course, 25,000 people retweeted Trump’s complaint and 50,000 liked it, and at least half of those people weren’t named Trump or Pence or Giuliani, so I think it’s safe to say people heard about the FBI thing.

It sounds like Hillary’s really worried about what they might find in her latest batch of emails, though. As a preventative measure she had half the board of the Clinton Foundation killed this week. In a car accident. Caused by a heart attack. That was sparked by a deflected gun shot from a nearby grassy knoll. Outside of the secret Illuminati meeting place. Whose address is hidden in a passage from the Old Testament. Which I learned about on an X Files episode that was produced in 1993. Which is the year Vince Foster died.

Boom. Mind blown, right?

New reports claim that Trump has not paid his pollster and owes him $750 million. It’s not Trump’s fault, though. The contract clearly stated that all polls needed to show Trump leading by 350% or no payment was required.

Gotta read that fine print, kids.

This week a Russian missile company unveiled the RS–28, a 100-ton ICBM rocket with a 6,835-mile range nicknamed the Satan–2, which they claimed could wipe out parts of the earth the size of Texas or France. They said they originally wanted to name the rocket the Trump–2, but it’s not capable of nearly the amount of destruction as the actual Trump.

A man in Portland, ME was arrested for obstructing traffic while dressed as an evergreen tree. To find out why he did this, you’ll have to wait for Stephen King’s next novel, Salem’s Tree, due in Spring, 2017.

Donald Trump’s wife Melania Trump said in a speech this week that our culture has gotten too mean and there’s too much bullying. She added that as First Lady she would like to start an anti-bullying campaign, noting that she can cut the amount of online bullying by a solid 70% just by taking her husband’s phone away after midnight.

A new report says a chimpanzee in the Pyongyang Zoo in North Korea smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Authorities say this isn’t so bad, since the more time he spends smoking, the less time he has to blow up the Statue of Liberty and destroy human civilization.

Researchers from the American Chemical Society concluded this week that eating 262 pieces of “Fun Size” Halloween candy could be lethal. Or you could eat 6 circus peanuts and get the same results.

Thanks to the large number of threatening clown sightings around the world, McDonalds announced it would stop displaying Ronald McDonald in public. It does reserve the right to continue to display the McRib in public, as long as there are no threatening sightings of pig anuses in the near future.

In other McDonald’s news, the fast food giant also announced the Grand Mac this week. The Grand Mac is a Big Mac with 66% more beef than a regular Big Mac, an extra slice of cheese and a larger bun. And the Value Meal comes with fries, a drink and a Last Will and Testament with optional DNR form.

The Grand Mac also raises the question, what’s 66% of “almost none”?

New York Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested this week after an alleged domestic violence incident. The identity of the victim has not been released yet, but clearly whoever it was was not standing in the strike zone during a playoff game, because everyone knows Familia can’t hit that.

This week the FBI began searching through 650,000 emails on the computer of Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin to see if any of them are relevant to Clinton’s use of a private email server while she was Secretary of State. Obviously 650,000 emails is a lot of email, but the FBI is already finding patterns in what’s in this treasure trove of information, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Most Repeated Phrases in Huma Abedin’s Emails:

10. Honey, please clean the keyboard when you’re done using the computer

9. I’d like to change my picks in the Hillary Death Pool again

8. Not tonight, Bill, I have a headache

7. Not tonight, Hillary, I have a headache

6. Seriously, honey, it takes two seconds to wipe the keyboard down

5. Code Red! Code Red! Code, oh, wait, no, false alarm. They haven’t found that email account yet after all

4. Dear Bernie, I would like to sincerely apologize…

3. For fuck’s sake, honey, half these keys are stuck. Please clean the keyboard already

2. Updated Hillary Campaign Promise Price List

1. Honey, do you know a SexxxyGurl15? I think this is spam

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time to find out if we’re looking at a shitty next four years, or a shitty next four years. Until then, vote early, vote often, write in Tgreen on your ballot next Tuesday because if even just half of you do I could get upwards of three votes, stop pretending you were a Cubs fan before the ninth inning of Game Seven, go see the new Doctor Strange movie and about halfway through stand up and shout, “where the hell is Paste Pot Pete?!?”, just admit that you’re only one Fun-Size Snicker bar away from full blown Type 2 Diabetes at this point, choose your side for this year’s War on Christmas, stop watching election coverage and start watching Bugs Bunny, place your bets on what will happen again sooner – the Dixie Chicks turning up at another country music awards show or the Cubs winning another World Series, keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “I am not a crook” green