Election Day rolls on, though to be honest I mostly know that because cable news is dredging up anyone with a pulse and a webcam to offer up an opinion on what’s happening. I apologize in advance if I miss any of you folks when you get your 15 minutes.

There was an awkward moment at the polls this morning when First Lady Melania Trump had trouble reading her ballot. She told the poll workers she just wanted to vote for the barely coherent old man who could barely get through an entire day without embarrassing himself and they said they’d need some more info in order to narrow it down.

And speaking of Melania, if her husband loses I wonder if this is the night he tells her that there’s not enough money in the bank to cover her pre-nup. Might as well tear off all the band-aids at the same time, right?

This week McDonald’s announced it’s bringing the McRib back for a limited time nationwide, so that even if Trump loses you’ll still have all the pig anus in your life that you want in the month of December.

And speaking of pig anus, in South Carolina Lindsey Graham is battling it out in a close race to hold on to his seat. Things got so bad he was reduced to begging for donations on Fox News, and that got him in trouble because you’re only allowed to go on Fox News to beg for money if you’ve got a book to sell. Preferably with the word “killing” somewhere in the title, but they’ve relaxed that rule a little since they had to fire Bill O’Reilly.

This week in the first real look he’s given us at his health care plan, President Trump abandoned his rally attendees to the cold and darkness three different times. But the good news is this plan has a lot less paperwork than Obamacare.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton both voted this morning. Clinton voted for Biden, and Bush declined to say who he voted for. Oddly enough, in an early count of votes in Chicago it was revealed that Former President Harry Truman also cast a vote for Joe Biden this morning.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced this week that if the Democrats hold on to their majority in the House, she will run again to be Speaker of the House. Because apparently the age limit for running for anything in Congress is like 150.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani’s had kind of a rough time of it lately, but despite all that he still wants to make sure everybody gets out to vote and stays safe while doing so, as you’ll see if you take a look at…

Rudy Giuliani’s Top Five Election Day Tips:

5. When you leave your coffin to vote, make sure the sun is completely down first.

4. Be sure to use an absentee ballot if your polling place is a church or other house of worship

3. If you encounter a young woman who wants to talk to you while you’re on your way to vote, definitely follow her to whatever hotel room she wants to to lead you into

2. It’s best to mail in your ballot if you plan to spend a couple of months dumpster diving for opposition research in the Ukraine

1. Be sure to vote for whoever offers a health care plan that will let you replace all your ugly teeth at once, so you don’t have to replace the top ones and then just stop there for some reason.

And that’s all we have time for this afternoon. Get out there and vote if you haven’t already, and we’ll be back tonight for the Lightning Round, when the pundits get louder and the need for a stiff drink doubles.

T “ask not what your Top Five list can do for you” green