Posts tagged: big old wall of words

Happy Friday! 11/11/16

By , November 11, 2016 3:03 pm

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your last stop before Nixon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Former Attorney General Janet Reno, the first woman to hold that position, died this week at age 78. But her legacy will live on forever, or at least as long as Will Ferrel can fit into a dress.

I have to admit it feels weird to use the phrase “first woman to hold that position” to describe anyone associated with Bill Clinton because, well, you know what I’m getting at here.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said this week that he had no memory of any of his aides describing the Bridgegate situation to him when they said in sworn testimony that they had done so. He said all he could recall from the day in question was his iPod hit him with Born to Run in the morning as he was getting dressed, his pork roll with cheese at breakfast had an extra slice of pork roll, he drove his car through a puddle and splashed a Democrat, the local McDonalds took his 2 for 1 Big Mac coupon even though it had expired, he beat Mitt Romney in a game of Risk, proving he would have made a better world leader, he got two cherries on his hot fudge sundae at dessert, and he went to bed listening to a 1985 Springsteen bootleg, but no, his memory was foggy on any mentions of bridge traffic.

An American satellite abandoned in 1967 has begun transmitting agin after 46 years. It’s first message was an NBC News clip saying it looks like nothing but smooth sailing for Dick Nixon in the 1972 election.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 55% this week, which is going to sound pretty ironic in 3…2…1…

Breaking News! The results of the 2016 Presidential Election are in! And America, are you ready to get grabbed by the pussy? I sure hope so, because President-elect Donald Trump just swung by Costco to buy the big box of Tic Tacs and he’s heading your way. Yes, as we all know, former reality show host and former WWE guest manager and former expert in bankruptcy law and longtime lingering dick ache Donald Trump was elected President this week. I got a peek at his upcoming schedule, and it looks pretty packed:

December: Rape trial

December: Racketeering trial

January: Inauguration

It’s gonna be a pretty busy couple of months for the President-elect, isn’t it? And it just stays busy, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things on Donald Trump’s First 100 Days Agenda:

10. Piss on Constitution, except for that Second Amendment part

9. Appoint Chris Christie Secretary of Taylor Ham

8. Send Obama back to his homeland in Kenya

7. Fire Chris Christie and tell him it’s Pork Roll, not Taylor Ham, stupid

6. Start working on list of which campaign promises he should break first

5. Figure out which room will be Putin’s

4. Launch search for new, younger Melania

3. Release decree declaring himself 44th President to erase every last sign that Obama existed

2. Find space for Giuliani’s crypt

1. Implement Order 66

I also got a peek at House Speaker Paul Ryan’s schedule and while he did scratch out Hillary’s name from his January 21st Impeachment hearing, the hearing itself is still on there. Huh, wonder what that means.

Trump After Dark

Hello, ladies, it’s time for a little fireside chat with your President.

Donald Trump did get some other good news this week. That tax audit he kept going on about during the election? It’s been cancelled, effective 4PM, January 20, 2017. Everything’s coming up Donald!
Trump does have to get to work quickly to put together a cabinet. Some names being tossed around include Rudy Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, and Chris Christie. There’s no way Christie fits in with this group, though. He hasn’t even cheated on one wife yet. Giuliani, Gingrich and Trump will just laugh at him in staff meetings if he doesn’t change that.

Though if he does get a job in the Trump administration, Christie might be the first cabinet member who needs to get a Presidential pardon before he gets a job offer.

I know, in hindsight some of Nixon’s guys could’ve used the same thing but no one knew that for sure until his second term kicked in.

I hear Sarah Palin’s name has come up too. But for god’s sake, don’t anybody say Dick Cheney’s name three times.

I’ll tell you, though, who knew the KKK endorsement would carry so much weight?

Just out of curiosity, since our new President is such an advocate of getting more guns into more people’s hands, does this mean the White House is now going to be an open carry zone? Asking for a friend.

Although really, no matter how you might feel about the results of this election, you have to accept that the people have spoken. I mean, the people have also made the Big Mac one of the biggest selling menu items in history and the people kept According to Jim on the air for like a thousand years, but still, the people have spoken. Slightly less than half the people who voted, but still. I mean, you can’t whine about the popular vote vs the Electoral College just because your candidate lost. Only the sorest of sore losers would do something like that.

Ahem

Ahem


Don’t go looking for those Tweets either, because he deleted them. For very Presidential reasons, no doubt. Man, I expect to look back at that old 18 1/2-minute gap in the tape as such a quaint thing to be upset about.

This week Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the Senate will move swiftly to repeal Obamacare. In its place, every American will receive a bottle of Robitussin and a SpongeBob Band Aid. Republicans can do this because they have the majority and Donald Trump has a mandate. Just remember, kids – and this knowledge will serve you well in the future – the way politics works is like this: when a Republican wins an election, it’s a mandate. When a Democrat wins an election, it’s an obstacle to find a way around.

There was an awkward moment when President Obama met with Donald Trump at the White House this week and Trump flipped Obama a quarter and asked for a shoe shine before the President showed up.

Trump could prove me a liar there but he didn’t allow the press to come with him to the meeting. Oh well.

Yeah, I think what I’m going to miss most of all is the First Amendment. I’ve grown somewhat fond of that one.

But you know, it’s not really a mystery why Trump won. He’s gonna drain the swamp. Yep, drain the swamp. Come on Donny, drain the swamp. Who wouldn’t want that? Who can look at the way our government has worked the last 30–40 years and honestly say that draining the swamp is a bad idea? Right?

But wait a second, what was that name I saw on Trump’s To Fuck The Country List? Newt Gingrich? Newt fucking Gingrich? Saying you’re draining the swamp and then bringing in Newt Gingrich is like, if I may go all comic book nerd on you for a second, kicking out the Heap but inviting Swamp Thing to drop by for a spell. And yes, there’s a much more obvious comic book character I could’ve used in that analogy there but I decided to spare you all from associating Newt Gingrich with the Giant-Sized Man-Thing. You’re welcome.

And you really want to drain the swamp? What was that other name I just saw up there? Mitch McConnell? Mitch fucking McConnell? Mitch McConnell is the fucking swamp. Think I’m being too partisan picking on two Republicans? That’s fair. The fact is, there’s people in Congress from both parties who got into office when at most there were only three Star Wars movies. At most. Only three. Yes, that’s a long fucking time ago in a galaxy right outside your fucking door. You want to drain the swamp, stop voting for these guys. You didn’t need Barack Obama to do that. You don’t need Donald Trump to do that.You just need to get up off your ass and educate yourself on the candidates and the issues and then you need to go out and vote and, oh, I see. I get it now. Never mind. This is how you get the country’s first social media President.

You see more Trump supporters on social media demanding that Amy Schumer keep her promise to leave the country if Trump is elected than you see Trump supporters demanding that Trump keep the promises he made to get elected in the first place. Though maybe that’s because it’s not clear which of Trump’s promises were real and which were just talk. I don’t want to say Trump did not always deliver a consistent message but the man has managed to end a sentence on the exact opposite side of an issue from where he started it. It’s good to keep an open mind, but your positions should at least stay in the same area code.

So we’ve got Trump, and we’ve got protestors, and we’ve even got Trump on the protestors.

Whaaaa!

Hail to the Crybaby?

Unfair? Un fucking fair? Trump thinks two days of protest aren’t fair? He doesn’t even have a bloated bag of dicks going on TV screaming that he wasn’t born in this country yet. Maybe it’s time for him to toughen up a little bit. Thicken the old orange hide. Because the fact is every President sparks an outrage in someone. Every President ends up with people hating him. Every President walks away with an approval rating parked well south of 50%, which means more than half the people can no longer stand the sight of him. Well, except the allegedly Kenyan one. He’s up around 55% now, and I suspect Trump might help bump him up another couple of points before January. So maybe it’s time for Trump to put the Twitter down and act like a President. Because the job gets a whole lot harder than a couple of days of protests.

I honestly don’t even know what the protestors expect to accomplish. What’s a protest going to do? That’s not the American way. We don’t protest when we get an election result we don’t like. When we get a President that for some reason scares us. No, what we do is we dehumanized the opposition. We work to undermine it. We work to bring the entire government to a standstill when we don’t get our way. We expend so much of our time and energy pointing out the shortcomings of the other side that there’s no time to make sure our own side is behaving properly, but we don’t care because the other side is clearly wrong and everyone needs to know it. We refuse to do the jobs to which we are elected because if we do them we might allow the opposition to accomplish something. We lie and we spread rumors. We interpret the Constitution in whatever way is the most convenient to our point of view on that particular day. We crank out propaganda 24/7 and we call it fair and we call it balanced and we wrap ourselves in our holy book of choice while acting in the most godless ways possible and we convince ourselves we’re right because the other side is evil. We ignore every principle we claim to have if we can get a leg up on the other side and we shame the other side if we think we caught it doing the same thing. We spend every day for 8 years bemoaning an election result we did not like and we work against our country’s own interests because we can’t afford to let the other side look good for even a second. And then when we finally do win again we immediately tell the losing side that the people have spoken and they need to get over it. Protesting? Only whiny children would ever think of protesting an election result.

Ahem

Ahem

But here we are, staring another Inauguration in the face. And I know this whole Happy Friday went off the rails paragraphs ago, but I also know nobody made it this far so I’m okay with it. Half the country is happy right now and half is miserable, as it should be. As it usually is after a big election. It’s worse now because there are people genuinely scared about what this all means, and they have genuinely good reasons for feeling that way. But it will pass, I think. Trump will take office and do whatever it is he’s going to do and the mood in this country will even out. As it does. As it must. And a year from now, all of today’s happy people and all of today’s miserable people will be able to agree…that we all made a terrible mistake.

See you next time for an anniversary and a break.

T “do you recall what was revealed the day the music died” green

Fuuuuuuuck!

Another county heard from…

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