Aaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody!

Just like day follows night (or night follows day depending on your perspective), just like jelly follows peanut butter, just like “who goes there?” follows “halt!”, just like Star Trek III follows Star Trek II, just like Mac follows Big or Pounder follows Quarter or McMuffin follows Egg, just like “oh fuck, not another one of these” follows “Happy Friday everybody!”, and even just like shitty reviews follow “starring Ben Affleck,” every four years the political convention of one party is followed by the the political convention of the other party.

And so inevitably, this week the Democrats held their national convention in Philadelphia. Historical note — the Democratic Party’s 1924 convention lasted for 16 days. This one only felt like it.

The stakes were high for nominee Hillary Clinton this week, but really her biggest win would be to skate through the whole week without being indicted for anything. In other words, this week was just like every other week.

Rival candidate Bernie Sanders in his speech assured his supporters that Hillary will break up the banks on Wall Street. At least, the ones that never paid her money. If there are any. Spoiler alert, there are not.

Not surprisingly, the most booed candidate at this year’s DNC was Donald Trump. Second most booed candidate? Hillary Clinton.

New polls from mid-week showed that the 2016 race has taken a turn. Apparently “poked in the eye with a sharp stick” is now leading “swallow a cup full of angry bees” by 7 points.

In the long run I think the Democrats will regret holding their convention in Philadelphia and not getting a speech from Nightman or Dayman. Rookie mistake there, Democrats.

There were some questionable music choices this week as well. At one point they used Love Train to introduce a speaker but that speaker was not Bill Clinton. Talk about missed opportunities.

And in another musical note, somehow the Democrats were able to get Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on the same page, but couldn’t do it for Simon and Garfunkel. A bridge over troubled waters indeed.

One of the week’s highlights was former President Bill Clinton’s speech. The man sure does know how to tell a story. When he opened with a tale about a woman he fell in love with back in 1971, I was on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t wait to find out who he was talking about, and what the hell it had to do with Hillary.

Bill Clinton’s speech ultimately covered the history of his relationship with Hillary (well, more or less…mostly less). No one told me it was going to unfold in real time, though.

This just in, Bill Clinton’s speech has just gotten up to 1987.

Former 2004 candidate Howard Dean also gave a speech this week. It was basically the classic rock tour of convention speeches. It got mild interest and polite applause until he did that damn scream at the end. It’s like his Freebird.

The Democrats spent much of the week trying to win over people who have been ripped off or insulted by Donald Trump, which makes sense because those are some very large groups. If they can get those groups and the group of women Bill cheated on Hillary with, this thing is a lock.

Even if they can just get the women Bill hooked up with while in the White House this is possibly an epic landslide.

According to Neilson, the ratings for the DNC were higher than the ratings for last week’s RNC. Clearly the American public prefers its politics to be deChachinated.

Fox News host Bill O’Reilly, in countering a line in Michelle Obama’s speech that said the White House was built by slaves, said that those slaves were well-fed and given comfortable beds. And he’s got his great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s log books to prove it.

According to Yelp, three of the top search terms during the DNC were Vegan, Kosher, and Distilleries, which suggests that nobody could agree on what to eat but after the third round nobody cared.

Yelp said three of the top search terms at last week’s RNC were Hawaiian, Hot Dogs, and Gay Bars, which suggests a couple of planks from the GOP 2016 platform may not have made it out of Cleveland intact.

In a tense moment, Vice President Joe Biden had to be talked out of throwing his hat into the ring during his speech after taking a quick look at 2016’s shit show and realizing the opportunity he had missed.

Actress and convention attendee Susan Sarandon said she was having the worst time of her life at the DNC this week. Then party officials moved her out of Bill Clinton’s row.

Former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg was five minutes late for his speech after stopping in the convention hall to smack a couple of 32-ounce sodas out of people’s hands.

As for Bloomberg’s speech itself, if there was ever a time to bust out his middle-school Spanish, it would have been while he was blasting Trump on immigration. Bloomberg knows how to say “Gringo es loco,” doesn’t he?

Bloomberg actually first asked to speak at the RNC but he failed the mandatory “Your Wallet Must Be This Small or Smaller to Speak on Donald’s Stage” test.

Vice President nominee Tim Kaine’s speech was thrown into disarray at the last minute when he realized Joe Biden had used the word “malarkey” already that evening and he would have to use the even less common “codswallop” instead.

In retrospect, Bernie Sanders spent most of the week looking like he was told he’d get his car back after Hillary was done speaking and not a moment before.

This just in, DNC staffers have finally woken up the last of the delegates who nodded off during Tim Kaine’s speech.

In an unexpected turn of events, President Obama actually referenced Republican icon Ronald Reagan more times than Donald Trump did. And even more surprising, he mentioned Kenya more times as well.

A previously-unknown Clinton scandal was revealed this week when Bill copped to watching all 7 of the Police Academy movies. Which is at least two more than anyone who worked on the movies ever watched.

While giving a speech at the convention the father of a deceased Muslim soldier offered Donald Trump his copy of the Constitution to read. But in all fairness, Trump has already tried to read the Constitution before. He just had to stop after skimming the first couple of sentences and not seeing his name anywhere.

Republican Senator Marco Rubio referred to the DNC as a disaster. And after seeing how well he executed his campaign, I am ready to accept him as an expert on the subject of disasters.

In a sign that he’s not convinced Trump will win in November, this week Paul Ryan added Hillary Clinton’s first impeachment hearing to his calendar for January 21, 2017.

This week’s speech by Hillary Clinton was historic. Not because she gave it as the first woman to accept the nomination from one of the two major parties, though that is historic by itself. No, this one was historic mainly because she charged a discounted rate of $100K to deliver it.

Bill Clinton almost missed his wife’s speech when he had to suddenly run off the convention floor to finish his application for the Katy Perry Fan Club.

You know, it’s 2016. A candidate for President of the United States should not have to mention in her acceptance speech that she believes in science. And yet, sometimes it’s really just that easy to distinguish yourself from your opponents.

As soon as Hillary Clinton said, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” the Internet crashed under the weight of right wing tweeters crying “Plagiarism!” True story.

This just in, Bernie Sanders has announced that those damn kids need to get off his lawn now.

In her speech, Hillary said that Wall Street banks will start paying their fair share once she’s President. And if there’s anyone who knows how big a share the Wall Street banks can afford to pay, it’s Hillary Clinton.

So, despite the fact that the DNC got high ratings, that it managed to nominate Hillary Clinton before she got sent to jail for something, that Bernie Sanders offered an endorsement without requiring so much arm twisting that it left visible marks, or that Bill Clinton kept his hands to himself, there were still a few things the Democrats stumbled over, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Twelve Missed Opportunities at the 2016 DNC:
12. Didn’t settle Bernie vs Hillary feud on an episode of Lip Sync Battle

11. Didn’t hand out shots every time someone on Fox News said “Lewinsky”

10. Had no one on stage who could out-yell Trump or Giuliani

9. Failed to capitalize on Republican ire over Bradley Cooper’s appearance at the DNC by featuring other movie stars Republicans thought were on their side, like Darth Vader, Dracula or Mothra

8. Passed on appearance of Dukakis in a tank that could’ve reminded everyone the party has done worse

7. Were unable to get #Donaldisapoopyhead trending on Twitter

6. Couldn’t get Lin-Manuel Miranda on board for Hillary — An American Musical

5. Forgot to ban selfies of people standing next to Tim Kaine in the mistaken belief he was a lifeless statue

4. Cancelled previously scheduled primetime version of “Pin a Charge on Hillary”

3. Missed out on obvious Steve Guttenberg endorsement

2. Could not lock down whether or not Vince Foster’s original autopsy report was ever on Hillary’s email server

1. Couldn’t find anything to offer Hillary if she’d just step back and let anybody else run

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, renew that passport, finalize your escape plan, don’t open any emails from Hillary that look like they have Cyrillic letters in the subject, decide if you wanna see no evil or hear no evil or speak no evil when we blast ourselves into our inevitable Planet of the Apes future, try to figure out a distinguishing feature about Tim Kaine in case you’re ever asked to identify him in an emergency, figure out if there is possibly a way you can boo and vote at the same time, stop it with the Fight Song already and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “these jokes were way better before Russia hacked my email” green