I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon was criticized this week for going easy on Donald Trump in a recent interview. The interview ended with Fallon mussing up Trump’s hair. An NBC spokesman said that fortunately for Fallon, he’s had all his shots.

Though really, if I was going to criticize Jimmy Fallon, it would probably take me three hours to even get to the Trump interview. But his worst sin may have been explaining his performance in the interview by saying the same thing I originally wrote for this news item and therefore forcing me to come up with something new. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon! Damn you to hell!

This week The People vs OJ Simpson won the Emmy for Best Limited Series. Which is good, because if it had lost that would have been the worst miscarriage of justice since, well, you know.

This week Donald Trump Jr. used a picture of Skittles to make a point about the danger of allowing refugees into the country. Skittles responded by wondering how anyone could use a candy to hint about terrorism and not have that candy be circus peanuts. Because come on, man.

This week it was revealed that former President George H.W. Bush plans to vote for Hillary Clinton this November. This is not too surprising when you consider that he’s voted for Democrats in the past. Like Al Gore and John Kerry, to give two examples.

In entertainment news, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. She said the couple had just been waiting until gay people had the right to divorce each other before they did it themselves.

British primatologist Jane Goodall said this week that Donald Trump’s behavior is like that of male chimpanzees performing dominance rituals. But the chimps at least live by the rule of “ape shall not kill ape,” putting them one step ahead of the Republican candidate.

Though I think someone should make sure Trump doesn’t get too close to the Statue of Liberty, just to be safe.

New York State Assemblyman Bill Nojay won reelection this week despite the fact that he’d killed himself four days earlier on the day he was going to receive federal fraud charges. But on the bright side, he’s unlikely to go back on any campaign promises now.

Swiss researchers found that drinking a glass of beer enhances empathy. And in a related story, researchers at the other end of the bar found that drinking 12 glasses of beer enhances your political opinions, strength, attractiveness and ability to drive home.

Galapagos Island scientists credited Diego, an endangered giant tortoise, with saving his species by fathering over 800 offspring. Slowly.

A Delaware man pleaded guilty this week to stabbing his former psychiatrist. But to be fair, it appears that the psychiatrist was not very good at his job.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity and Donald Trump recorded a town hall this week that focused on African-American issues, but its airing had to be postponed due to live coverage of the protests in Charlotte, NC. It’s a good thing Fox News announced the postponement at the top of the hour, or otherwise I might have thought that the footage they were airing was a Hannity/Trump town hall on African-American issues.

According to screen shots posted on Twitter this week, the IT specialist who deleted Hillary Clinton’s emails went to Reddit to ask for help in using BleachBit to do the job. Even worse for the Democratic candidate, though, was the 5-star review for the BleachBit software posted by a user with the screen name MadamPresident2016 last Thursday.

An Australian man has patented and started selling the Hamdog, a combination hotdog and hamburger in one bun. And in a related story, Chris Christie just requested he be named Ambassador to Australia in the Trump administration.

A woman in China tried to purchase an iPhone 7 online but when the package arrived it contained an iPhone 3 and an iPhone 4. This was a pretty clever way to rip someone off, actually. And even better, if they toss a couple of matches into the box they can use the same scam to rip off someone trying to buy a Galaxy Note 7.

Donald Trump caught some heat this week after saying that black communities have never been worse off than they are right now and seeming to forget years of slavery and Jim Crow laws. But in Trump’s defense, he was clearly reading the text from a speech he plans to give about six months after he gets sworn in.

This week it was revealed that North Korea only has 28 web sites. Apparently 24 of them are MySpace pages set up by Kim Jong-un when he was in an Emo phase; there’s the North Korean Netflix that offers nothing but the final three seasons of M*A*S*H; North Korean Yelp, which features 15 kimchee joints that all closed in 2003; North Korean Rotten Tomatoes, which isn’t a movie review site but rather offers recipes for people with very limited ingredient options; and a campaign site for Donald Trump.

All of this has me doubting the veracity of the email I just got telling me that Happy Friday is the 29th-most-popular website in North Korea.

This week Yahoo said that hackers stole info for over 500 million accounts. Which is kind of good news, because maybe the hackers can help me weed through the spam emails that are basically the only reason my Yahoo account exists anymore.

Federal investigators are looking into claims that Anthony Weiner sexted a 15-year-old girl. In case you were wondering if there was any low point Weiner couldn’t limbo his way under.

And finally, a recently-discovered email shows that federal immigration bosses are pushing employees to work OT to swear in as many new citizens as possible before the election. No one’s sure yet if this is a plot to potentially boost Hillary’s numbers, or if it’s just a way to avoid all the extra work that will be required to enact President Trump’s new Hunger-Games-inspired immigration rules.

I’m not one to pay much attention to the conspiracy theories that bounce around on the internet, but I’m pretty sure the other day I saw a story claiming another Hillary Clinton aide has died under suspicious circumstances. If that’s true, I’m starting to think the only job less safe than Hillary Clinton aide is Spinal Tap drummer.

I’ll tell you, this country is getting way too politically correct. I mean, you can’t even call a racist a racist anymore without half of Facebook crying about it.

You know, Yahoo says that the hack they just announced was “state sponsored.” What state, Rhode Island? Come on, tell us the whole story already.

In my wanderings I’ve seen my share of Hillary and Trump campaign signs out front of people’s houses, but yesterday I saw my first one for Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson. It wan’t exactly in front of a house, though. It was more like in a big empty field. I’m wondering if that means something.

So that guy who planted bombs in NYC and New Jersey? Turns out he lives above a fried chicken joint owned by his parents. I can remember when the worst thing you had to worry about at a fried chicken joint was a rat finding his way into the fryer. Times sure have changed.

This week marked the first day of fall, which signals the return of either your favorite or your most-hated flavor in the whole world – Pumpkin Spice. It seems that every year more and more products come in this flavor, and I think that even if you love it, some of them leave you scratching your head, as you’ll see when you check out…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Popular Pumpkin-Spice-Flavored Products:

10. Pumpkin Latte WD–40
9. Ben & Jerry’s Pumpkin Garcia
8. General Mills’ Pumpkinberry
7. Pumpkin Blast Doritos
6. Nathan’s Famous Pumpkin Fries
5. Sierra Mist Pumpkin Explosion
4. Pumpkin Chunk Elmer’s Glue
3. K-Y Pumpkin Vibrations Personal Lubricant
2. Pumpkin Whopper
1. Coors Light Pumpkin Ale

And that’s all we have time for this week. I’ll be on vacation in Disney so I’ve got no idea what, if anything, will appear in this space next week. Until next time, don’t fuck with the brand, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times, don’t believe the hippie, watch out for clowns, keep your ass-kissing to a minimum because it’s shameful at this point, have your tickets ready, don’t eat the last hotdog on the rest stop grill, enjoy the debate, have some Skittles, stop trying to pretend you care about the Brangelina divorce, shoot for the moon, don’t you forget about me and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “it might be a small world after all but it’s a long damn drive to get to it” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday! Sorry about that.

A tractor trailer on I–68 in Maryland caught fire this week, burning a truckload of bacon and ribs. And in a related story, this week’s Happy Friday is coming to you from the shoulder of I–68 in Maryland.

In advertising news, this week Dos Equis named a new Most Interesting Man In The World. Don’t worry, though, the title of Least Interesting Man In The World is still a 3-way tie between that guy who sits one cube over from you at work and always talks about his Logan’s Run fanfic, the guy who sits next to you on the train every day and talks about his Fantasy Football team, and your brother-in-law the stamp enthusiast.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump said this week that he wants to debate without a moderator. And without an audience. And without any media fact checkers. And, frankly, without Hillary Clinton either.

This week Hillary Clinton fainted while leaving 9/11 memorial ceremonies early after becoming overheated. It was later revealed that she’d been diagnosed with pneumonia two days earlier. Fox News announced that its wall-to-wall coverage of her funeral will start five minutes ago.

A new interview from September 11, 2001, resurfaced this week and showed that Donald Trump, when asked his opinion on the World Trade Center attacks, chose to point out that his building at 40 Wall Street was once again the tallest building in lower Manhattan. He offered no hint as to how many more people would have had to die in order for him to also have the largest penis in lower Manhattan, but one suspects the smart money would be on “most of them.”

This week Hillary Clinton apologized for saying that half of Donald Trump’s supporters belong in a basket of deplorables, claiming that in reality she’d seriously underestimated that percentage.

She actually didn’t have to apologize for nearly three days because it took that long for the average Trump supporter to find out what “deplorable” meant.

Oddly enough, this wasn’t the first time Hillary used the term “basket of deplorables.” Back in the 90s that’s how she referred to Bill’s scrotum.

This week Donald Trump did an interview with Larry King on King’s Russia Today talk show. The interview ended up being the third-most-watched program on Russian TV that night, coming in behind only Everybody Loves Putin and Better Call Putin, and just narrowly edging out According to Putin, Two Guys, a Girl and Putin, Putin and the Bear, and CSI: Minsk.

When asked this week if he would denounce former KKK leader David Duke, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence said he didn’t like to name-call. Brother, did you ever join the wrong team.

This week it was revealed that Donald Trump once spent $20K of his charity’s money to purchase a portrait of himself. Clearly not one of those Dorian Gray ones, though.

New investigations discovered this week that in the 1960s, the sugar industry paid for two major studies that were designed to mask sugar’s potential role in coronary heart disease. This is only the second-worst thing the sugar industry did in the 1960s, since nothing will ever top whatever it was they did to get that Sugar, Sugar song on the charts.

This news about the sugar industry could prove to be a game-changer. Now you can’t say for sure whether your triple bypass was caused by your daily can of Coke habit, or your daily 2 for $5 Big Mac habit. It’s mysteries like this one that can keep a person up all night.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign planned to release more information about her health after this week’s pneumonia scare. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the info was apparently all contained in a series of emails that the campaign deleted out of force of habit.

This week the Census Bureau announced that the US median income grew 5.2% to $56,516 in 2015, the first annual gain since 2007. It also announced that middle class income grew faster than at any time in modern history. Jeez, thanks Obama.

Wait, what?

The latest internet conspiracy theory claims that Hillary Clinton is using a body double while campaigning. The conspiracy has even spawned its own hashtag – #HillarysBodyDouble, which narrowly beat out the second choice – #BillsWorstNightmare.

This week Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson asked “What is Aleppo?” during a TV interview about foreign policy, prompting many voters to speculate exactly when George W Bush signed on as his foreign policy advisor.

This week a patent application was published that shows Walmart is planning to introduce self-driving shopping carts to its stores. So honey, it’s totally not my fault that the cart was filled with Double Stuff Oreos. The cart did that all by itself.

A new study shows that exercise may offset some of the negative health effects of alcohol. Hmmmm. If anyone needs me, I’ll be working out for the next seven months straight, just to be safe.

And finally, this week the Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a recall of Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones because there’s a danger they can catch fire. And not because there’s a danger that you can read Happy Friday on one, though that was also a consideration in their decision.

This Saturday marks the third annual Batman Day, a day that exists, I guess, to get you to drop a few bucks on a Batman comic. Or maybe to watch a Batman movie or cartoon. I’m actually not sure what this whole day is about. Maybe the way to understand it is to go right to the source, which you can do when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Batman Plans to Celebrate Batman Day:

10. Check LinkedIn for response to ad for new sidekick
9. Swing by Gotham jail at 9:30 to update “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign to “1”
8. Leave another bad review for Batman v Superman on Rotten Tomatoes
7. Investigate rumors that the Joker changed his name to Trump
6. Finish “Ten Things Fox’s Gotham Gets Wrong” article for BuzzFeed
5. Visit Chief O’Hara at the Old Stereotype’s Home
4. Swing by Gotham jail at 2:30 to reset “Days without a Super Villain Escape” sign back to “0”
3. Late lunch with Aquaman at Red Lobster
2. Call agent to find out if it’s not too late to swap out Affleck for Damon in the next movie
1. Finally get “Batman smells” removed from that Jingle Bells song

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, catch the wave, run it up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes, set that DVR for all the new fall shows before they’re cancelled, roast some marshmallows over your Galaxy Note 7, avoid the Noid, get off of my lawn, keep your certificate valid, leave your meat cleaver at home and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “still trying to figure out how I didn’t get to be the candidate for the Green Party” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that may have lived long, but has never quite prospered. Which still means it’s doing better than…

The state of Oklahoma suffered a record 5.6-magnitude earthquake this week. Fortunately, no major damage was reported. Because it was Oklahoma.

Former Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson settled her sexual harassment lawsuit against Roger Ailes for $20M and an apology. Which is way better than the denial and threat of a countersuit that Ailes offered at the start of the suit. And its several orders of magnitude better than the promotion and peek at Ailes’ musty ball sack that started this whole thing in the first place.

In other Fox News news, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren abruptly left the network this week, apparently over a financial disagreement. I guess the check from the network for her lighting-quick defense of Roger Ailes in that harassment suit bounced. Suddenly being on the hook for $20M because your employees were sexually harassed tends to make an organization less flush than usual.

Oddly, Greta would’ve done better financially if Ailes had actually harassed her instead of getting her to defend him.

And in one last little bit of Fox News news, Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera apologized this week for initially doubting stories about Roger Ailes’ alleged sexual harassment and coming out to defend his boss of 20 years. Rivera said he regretted his actions this summer, but in his defense, nobody told him it was time to stop lying about what was going on at the network.

At a G–20 meeting in China this week, the US, China and Russia failed to negotiate a cease-fire in Syria’s civil war. This is not too surprising when you consider that the US and China couldn’t even negotiate how President Obama was supposed to exit his plane upon arriving. Good thing these nations weren’t expected to negotiate the best way to split the tab after a dinner at TGIFridays or we’d all be dodging nuclear missiles by now.

In Space news, an asteroid was recently named for singer Freddie Mercury to commemorate what would have been his 70th birthday. The asteroid had to be named Freddie, because Mercury was already taken.

This week President Obama nominated a Muslim to be a Federal Judge. Funeral arrangements for Sean Hannity’s head will be announced later this week.

A leading international group announced this week that it’s taking the panda off the endangered species list. Which must mean panda season opens in what, two weeks?

Former Poison frontman Brett Michaels had his cell phone stolen while performing in Hampton Beach, NH. Authorities say the only way to find out who’s responsible is to interview everyone in the audience. They expect to have the case cracked in about 20 minutes.

This week Presidential candidate Donald Trump boasted that he’d scored the endorsements of 88 retired military figures. Skeptics cast doubt on these claims after seeing the list included Captain Hook, General Zod and Major Tom.

A public library in Alabama announced plans to enforce jail sentences for overdue books. Hey, you’ve gotta get tough when your library only has one book in it.

Cocaine worth 50M euros was discovered at a French Coca Cola plant this week. Authorities did not buy the plant manager’s claim that the cocaine was only there because of an upcoming Coke Throwback promotional blend.

Apparently in Hong Kong, Apple’s slogan for its new iPhone 7 translates to “This is penis.” And in related news, it was just announced that Anthony Weiner is now wanted for questioning by Hong Kong authorities for texting out pictures of his iPhone 7 to various women.

Though according to rumor, Weiner really should be calling it an iPhone 5.5. Just saying.

A new CNN poll reveals that 74% of Americans do not believe that Donald Trump will be able to get Mexico to pay for the border wall he promises to build if he’s elected. The other 26% apparently did not hear the question.

US swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended by the USOC for 10 months for lying about what happened in that gas station in Rio. Lochte said next time he’ll just rape someone, because swimmers who rape someone can get off in only 3 months.

In other Sports news, the New York Mets announced this week that they’ve signed Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. And in a related story, the New York Mets’ farm system is in much more trouble than I ever knew.

But on the plus side, you pretty much can’t throw an interception in a baseball game, so Tebow’s got that going for him.

This week Donald Trump gave a speech to the congregation at a black church. While Trump has had a hard time making inroads in the African-American community, he made no changes to his speech to try to pander to his audience. Except for when he stopped referring to his opponent as Crooked Hillary and started referring to her as Big Dummy.

This week North Korea conducted its fifth nuclear test, setting off an earthquake in the process. This latest test left a huge swath of North Korea damaged, poor, and starved for something to eat. Or, as the natives like to call it, just another Thursday.

And finally, in other North Korea news, it was revealed this week that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has launched an effort to curb sarcasm. Which is a shame because up until this point I was convinced he was the best damn leader in the whole wide world.

And in related news, I probably need to cross “North Korea visit” off the old bucket list, for obvious reasons.

While I’m at it, I’ll just cross off “do a shitty job moderating a political town hall” too, since Matt Lauer pretty much covered that one this week.

I’m sure you all saw that this Thursday marked the 50-year anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. What you may not have known was it also marked the 49th year, 51st week-anniversary of George Takei’s grudge against William Shatner.

Me, I’m holding out for the 50th anniversary celebration of The Golden Girls. Despite the fact that half the episodes of that show felt like they were already commemorating the 50th anniversary of something.

This weekend marks the start of the 2016 NFL season, and fans across the country are feeling the joy and optimism that they can only feel in those moments before their team ruins it all by actually playing. Because yes, while every team starts the season with the same chance to make it to the Super Bowl, in most cases that chance drops to near zero before the first quarter is over. Now while I’ve been as crazy optimistic myself many years, I realize that there are many signs that we’re all just fooling ourselves, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Your Team Is Probably Not Super Bowl Bound:

10. At least 3 Offensive Linemen have an entourage that includes their parole officer
9. Kicker thought “soccer style” meant he was supposed to use his head
8. Cheerleader outfits are actually just bedazzled Wonder Woman Underoos
7. GM’s Fantasy Football team hasn’t won in 15 years
6. Team’s top-selling jersey belongs to the third-string Center
5. Starting QB’s pre-game ritual referred to as “praying to the porcelain god”
4. Running back strained a hamstring playing Strat-o-Matic Football
3. Terry Bradshaw picked them to go deep into the playoffs
2. Last time the team played a competitive season was in the Atari 2600 football game
1. Team name rhymes with “Cleveland Browns” or “New York Jets”

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try to figure out why BBCAmerica is running a Star Trek marathon, don’t call him Norman, call him Chubsey Ubsey, play it where it lays, don’t eat the Baby Ruth, try to figure out how many people used this week to mark the 50th anniversary of living in their mother’s basement, take a guess as to whose deflated balls Tom Brady’s gonna be fondling for the next four weeks, stay off the grid, bet with your head, not over it and, as always, Live Long and Happy Friday!

T “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that’s longer and more satisfying than anything Anthony Weiner texted you last month.

And speaking of which, this week Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin announced that she was separating from her husband, Anthony Weiner, after the New York Post reported new sexting allegations against him. She said the couple will share custody of their son, but all of Weiner’s dick pics will remain in his custody. His and the approximately 300 women with whom he’s currently sharing them.

According to Arizona officials, Russian hackers breached a computer used by county election officials. The state officials were tipped off to the breach when the newest polls showed that Ivan McCainovich had a commanding lead in this week’s primary.

Former Alaska governor and perennial punchline Sarah Palin fell last week and suffered a head injury. Unfortunately for her, the fall was not hard enough to induce a state of amnesia so she’ll be forced to continue to remember everything she’s ever said in every interview she’s given over the last eight years.

The scientific community was rocked this week when reports of a potential radio signal coming from space was leaked to the media. The SETI community immediately called for all radio telescopes to be pointed toward HD 164595 to see if there’s anything more to the message besides the single word “Khaaaaaaaaaaan!”

An EU ruling said this week that Ireland must collect up to $14.6 billion in unpaid taxes from Apple. And in other tech news, Apple announced a September 7 unveiling of its new phones and computers and expects to be able to pay off this debt by lunchtime.

A SpaceX rocket was destroyed this week after it blew up on the launchpad during a prelaunch check. The rocket was carrying a satellite owned by Facebook, which means that the latest Facebook project, something they call a “Death Star,” is going to be a little behind schedule.

This news does means that Mark Zuckerberg is all of a sudden reconsidering his aversion to a Facebook “Dislike” button.

Florida Senator and former Presidential candidate Marco Rubio won the primary this week in his quest for reelection. When asked, Rubio said he couldn’t promise that he will serve his full 6-year term if he wins this November. And that’s fair, because a lot can happen in six years and no one can say what might change in the future. In fact, the only thing Rubio could promise is that he’ll definitely lose one more run for the White House before he retires. Maybe two. He’s young enough.

Brock Turner, the 22-year-old student who was convicted of sexual assault but sentenced to only six months, was set free this week after serving only three months of his sentence. Turner’s lenient treatment sparked outrage across the country, and this short time just served to make matters worse. The only silver lining in this whole story is that the justice system will have another chance to get it right after Turner’s second rape. And we all know there’s gonna be one. And maybe he can dedicate that one to Judge Aaron Persky, who let him off so easy the first time around.

This week Donald Trump went to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino. Trump was scheduled to stay overnight, but he said none of the food there was half as good as the taco salad in Trump Tower, so he had to go home.

After the meeting Trump said he didn’t talk with Pena Nino about how Mexico is supposed to be paying for the wall he wants to build. Apparently he was too busy keeping an eye out for any of the Mexican rapists and murderers Mexico hadn’t already sent into this country to start that conversation.

This week ABC announced the cast of the new season of Dancing With the Stars, and one of this year’s contestants is former Presidential candidate Rick Perry. Perry must think that if being on a reality show worked for Trump, it would work for him too. And ABC must just really need those three viewers that Perry’s likely to bring in.

Dancing With the Stars wasn’t Perry’s first choice, actually. Initially he wanted to be on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? But he wasn’t.

This week an Indian Minister recommended that foreign women not wear skirts when visiting the country. Which, oddly enough, is pretty close to a rule Hillary plans to have for any women visiting the White House while Bill’s around.

Singapore released thousands of mosquitos carrying bacteria to combat dengue fever. “The biggest drawback,” said an infectious disease expert, “is we don’t really know what’s going to happen.” And then the opening credits rolled for this latest SyFy original movie we’re all living in.

A US court ruled that grocery chain Trader Joe’s could proceed with a lawsuit against a Canadian store called Pirate Joe’s, which resold Trader Joe’s merchandise. But in Pirate Joe’s defense, the business plan is right up there in the name, and they should at least get some credit for that.

I mean, it’s not like Burger King has the balls to change its name to Tonight’s Stomach Cramps, right?

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nino was found this week to have plagiarized his undergraduate thesis. Which solves the mystery of what he and Melania Trump could talk about when Donald had to step out of the room.

A family in Turkey got food poisoning at a dinner they organized to celebrate their recovery from food poisoning.They blame both instances on the pure dreaminess of the Dollar Menu.

A new study found that ramen noodles have replaced cigarettes as the most popular form of currency in US prisons. And just like that, your creepy college roommate is a prison millionaire.

A dog named Duke was elected mayor of a town in Minnesota for the third time this week. This despite the circulation of numerous photos of the mayor licking himself in public. And in a related story, Anthony Weiner announced he’s moving to Minnesota.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve recently discovered the oldest fossils ever found. The fossils, an advertisement for Larry King Live, are sure to open up a new view of humanity’s history on Earth.

The discovery of a 10-foot snakeskin in Westbrook, Maine, had local authorities worried that there was a large python in their midst – especially after a large snake was spotted eating a beaver by a lake this summer. However, a Texas scientist analyzed the snakeskin and discovered that it’s most likely not from a python but from an anaconda. So sleep easy, Westbrook. You don’t have a killer python in town. It’s just a killer anaconda. At which point Stephen King was like, “Wait, wait, wait, let me get this all down. A killer what?”

In sports news, Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo fractured a bone in his back and will be out for 6–10 weeks. And worst of all for Romo, after this announcement oddsmakers gave the Cowboys a 10% better chance of making it to the Super Bowl this season.

The biggest headline in all this is that Tony Romo actually does have a backbone. Who knew?

And finally, according to a recent Fox News poll, more than half of US voters say the country is less safe than before 9/11. And in a completely unrelated story, Fox News just celebrated 15 years as the most popular cable news network in the country.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

This weekend is Labor Day weekend, the unofficial end of the summer for most people. I’m not sure how it works everywhere, but the end of summer is surprisingly easy to spot here in NYC, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Signs That Summer in NYC is over:

10. Coffee some jackass spills on you in the subway has fresh pumpkin scent

9. Mayor DiBlasio starts trying to pass off Penn Station homeless people as Halloween scarecrows

8. New York Jets get serious about coming up with an excuse for this year’s missed opportunities

7. Chance you’re going to see a back page headline about hockey increases by .06%

6. Only women left wandering the streets barely clothed are probably crazy

5. Annoying coworker stops boring you with stories about his beach house, starts boring you with stories about his fantasy football team

4. Line at Shake Shack is three blocks long (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things That Are True No Matter What Season It Is)

3. Subway rats start prepping for steady diet of candy corn and circus peanuts

2. New York Mets initiate latest plan to avoid winning a World Series Title

1. Mayor DiBlasio stops taking bribes for good parking spots at Coney Island, starts taking bribes for good seats at the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular

And that’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back next time. Unless you have something better to do. Literally anything better at all. Until then, enjoy that last weekend of preseason football like you’re never gonna see half these players again, because you’re not unless you happen to show up at Lowe’s during their second shift, see if you can guess which minority group Trump’s gonna piss off next, run out and buy a tube of that new KFC sunscreen before it sells out or gets recalled, whichever comes first, check your spam folder to see if maybe you too ever received a classified email from Hillary Clinton, start cruising the local McDonalds to see if they’re bringing back the McRib this year, don’t pick Tom Brady for your week 1 fantasy team, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “a little voice Inside my head said, ‘Don’t look back. You can never look back’” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for the same four jokes since 1995.

This week a car full of subway commuters was trapped without air conditioning for 30 minutes after a woman released a box of live roaches and crickets on the train. Fortunately, the MTA was able to leap into action because it already has a name for exactly this situation. It’s called Wednesday.

This week Speedo dropped its sponsorship of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte in the wake of his false story about what happened to him in Rio. A Speedo spokesperson said they had no choice but to drop Lochte, because “there’s no room for a lie in a Speedo. Seriously, have you seen one of these things? There’s literally no room for anything in there, much less a lie.”

Brazilian authorities have ordered Lochte to return to Rio to face charges for making a false police report, which means he’s now facing a choice between possible jail time in Rio or a season on Dancing With the Stars. It’s a harder choice than you might think.

Former Presidential candidate Michelle Bachman announced this week that she’s advising Republican candidate Donald Trump on foreign policy. Bachman said she foresees no problem with this new job despite the fact that her knowledge of foreign policy mainly comes from a Star Trek-branded copy of Risk she picked up on the cheap at a yard sale.

We also learned this week that a 12-year-old boy is running the Trump campaign’s ground operation in Colorado. Around the campaign he’s known as the overqualified one.

Louisiana lawmakers Steve Scalise, Bill Cassidy and John Fleming, who voted against a $50.5-billion relief package for Superstorm Sandy victims, signed a letter to President Obama this week asking for a disaster declaration for their state after last week’s historic floods. They figure it will be pretty easy to get emergency funds because they don’t have to worry about any assholes from Louisiana voting against them.

Police in Western New York are looking for a man dressed in a Batman mask and Captain America  costume who stole two 18-packs of beer. And in related news, Tony Stark has apparently fallen off the wagon again.

This week the FBI revealed that 15,000 more emails that Hillary Clinton didn’t hand over to investigators will be released in October. Since more than half of them involve correspondence with a prince from Nigeria asking for money, they’re obviously related to her State Department work.

This week the price of an EpiPen spiked from about $100 to more than $600. Mylan, the manufacturer, blamed the price hike on changes in insurance, but after it was revealed that their CEO gave herself a $18-million raise last year, the company announced that it would offer discounts to customers. Which is better than their original plan — a smaller EpiPen filled with a sedative to ease the shock of the price increase on the regular EpiPen.

This week NASA announced that it had found a spacecraft that was lost in space for two years. They were able to find it when their radios began picking up a broadcast that kept repeating “Danger, Will Robinson!”

According to the Associated Press, more than half of those who met with Hillary Clinton as a Cabinet Secretary gave money to the Clinton Foundation. A Clinton Foundation spokesperson said that this was entirely unacceptable and someone was going to be fired over it, because the original deal was supposed to be for no less than 90%.

Campaign documents show that the Trump campaign paid $356 to the speechwriter who wrote Melania Trump’s RNC speech. Which means that after Michelle Obama gets her cut, the speechwriter isn’t taking home very much at all.

A new study revealed that working less might make people more productive. And in related news, it appears I’ve worked with some of the most productive people in the world.

This week former new York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani told people who want to find out the truth about Hillary Clinton’s health to Google it. And let me tell you, this is a very efficient method because after you’re done looking up Hillary’s health you can catch up on the latest Bigfoot sightings.

Just be sure not to Google “Donald Trump rape”, though, because of all the information you can find with Google, I doubt Rudy wants you to read about that.

I have to say, Rudy was a lot less prone to falling for conspiracy theories back when he still had the combover. Did he keep some tinfoil tucked under that thing?

In response to recent stories that former Met and Yankee pitcher Dwight Gooden was once again doing cocaine, the New York Yankees offered to pay for his rehab if he would only get help for himself. The Mets wanted to help too, but they told Dwight he’d have to see if Bobby Bonilla had any spare cash to give him.

Scientists announced this week that they may have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the star closest to our own. And in related news, Donald Trump announced he’s gonna need a taller wall.

They say the planet is “Earth-like”. Does that mean the people who live there are hell-bent on destroying the place and each other? Or does it mean something different to scientists?

A baby born on a Cebu Pacific flight was granted 1 million air miles in honor of the birth. No free WiFi, First Class upgrade or extra carryon bag, though. You have to be triplets or better to score that kind of swag.

And finally, this week McDonalds removed a device that tracked physical activity from its Happy Meals. Not because this was an invasion of privacy or anything like that. No, it was just that after three weeks, they hadn’t tracked any activity.

If you’ve gone anywhere near a movie theater lately, you’ve no doubt seen that superhero movies are the big thing. This summer we had Batman v Superman, Captain America: Civil War, and Suicide Squad, with Doctor Strange following this fall and dozens more on the schedule for the next 10 years or so. All this might make you think that the comic book industry is booming, but that’s not what’s happening at all. No, the comic book industry is in dire straits thanks to an aging fan base that has squeezed out the children who used to be the primary customers. Things have gotten so bad that publishers are being forced to update many of their classic titles in order to give this audience a more relatable reading experience, as you’ll see when you take a glance at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Comic Books Designed to Appeal to an Aging Fan Base:

10. Ol’ Archie

9. Silver Scooter

8. Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager

7. The Elongated Prostate

6. The Fantastic Four Hours of Seep Before Having to Get Up to Pee

5. The Uncanny Ex-Wives

4. Plastic Surgeon

3. The Really-Really-Really-Post-Teen Titans

2. Crazy Cat Woman

1. Assisted Suicide Squad

And that’s all we have time for this week. Come back next time for the same jokes, just in a slightly different order. Until then, keep it out of the tall grass, don’t fall, if you must fall at least be sure Molly says something funny after you do it, play your cards right, don’t install anything fishy on your phone, keep your ice in your cup and not in the street, stay out of Rio jail, don’t feed anyone after midnight, admit that you would totally buy an issue of Peter Parker, the Spectacular Middle Manager, start your wagering about whether or not I can keep this thing going until Election Day and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “All-new, All-Different” green

I’m Tgreen, and this is Happy Friday, your one-stop shop for Olympic-level bullshit and general nonsense.

This week former New York Mayor Rudy Giulini gave a speech in which he claimed there were no successful terror attacks on American soil before President Obama came along. To explain his statement he said that he had not forgotten 9/11, he just spoke in “abbreviated” language. It’s not his fault that he just happens to abbreviate everything he can’t pin on the President.

TV host and political commentator John McLaughlin died this week in his Virginia home at the age of 89. His final words were “Wrong!!!”

A train in Iowa derailed last week and crashed into a trackside bar named “Derailed,” prompting the bar owner to consider changing the name of his other bar from “Nuclear Armageddon.”

In Italy, a legislator called for parents who feed their children vegan diets to be sentenced to up to six years in prison. The case, Billy v Icky Broccoli, is expected to set a worldwide legal precedent.

This week it was revealed that workers in Pyongyang were forced by the government to take a form of crystal meth in order to expedite the completion of a large-scale construction project. And in related news, I think I just figured out a fairly inexpensive way to get them to finally patch up the intersection of 516 and 79.

In Sweden a woman tried to explain the theft of six pairs of underwear by claiming she had severe diarrhea. She was unable to explain the theft of the car she was using to bring the underwear home, though.

Presidential candidate Donald Trump received his first confidential security briefing this week. For more details on what he was told, check out his Twitter feed this weekend.

Trump brought New Jersey Governor Chris Christie along to his briefing. He did this because he trusts Christie to keep his mouth shut. Or if not shut, at least full.

A Texas man convicted of child sexual assault was sentenced this week to 700 years in prison. Which is expected to translate into about 3 weeks in Gen Pop.

This week US swimmer Ryan Lochte and three of his teammates claimed they were robbed at gunpoint while taking a cab at the Rio Olympics. Brazilian officials quickly produced videotape that cast doubt on the events as the swimmers reported them, and said the swimmers actually lied to cover up a fight they got into at a gas station. It’s all still very confusing. All we do know for sure is that NBC newscaster Brian Williams said it was the most harrowing cab ride he’s ever been on.

In other Olympic news, the International Boxing Association sent home 6 judges and referees this week following outrage over several contentious matches and a fear of widespread corruption. But the good news is that at least one of them is a lock for the Gold medal in Olympic bribery.

This week the White House admitted that the $400M payment to Iran back in January was in fact contingent on Iran releasing four American prisoners. The White House was quick to clarify that they still don’t consider this a ransom payment like many of their critics are claiming, because they never received a ransom note made of letters cut out of a magazine and international law is pretty clear on that requirement.

Uber announced this week that it will begin offering rides in self-driving cars to customers in Pittsburgh later this year. The cars will be able to take passengers anywhere, but it’s expected most people will want a ride directly out of town so they can escape before the robot apocalypse kicks in.

This week Eve Plumb, who played middle sister Jan on The Brady Bunch, sold for $3.9M a house she bought at age 11. And in related news, a Spider-Man comic I bought at age 11 might be worth upwards of 5 bucks if it’s in mint condition.

In what’s widely seen as an attempt to reboot his campaign and show that he has the right temperament to be president, this week Donald Trump gave a speech where he acknowledged that he’d said some things during the campaign that he was sorry about. Except for the everything he said about Ted Cruz. He meant every word of that.

A Clinton Foundation spokesman this week said that if Hillary Clinton is elected president, the foundation will no longer accept foreign or corporate donations. And also that the foundation looks forward to working with the United States’ newest members, the great state of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and newly-naturalized citizens the Coca Cola Company and the Axcion Corporation.

The president of the Family Research Center, who has routinely said that God sends natural disasters to punish gays, had his house destroyed in this week’s flooding in Louisiana. C’mon God, it’s not cool to out Tony Perkins that way, you know?

Newly-discovered emails revealed that several of Donald Trump’s advisors previously waged a covert lobbying campaign on behalf of a pro-Russian Ukrainian government. But the weirdest part of the story? Those emails were found on Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

And finally, Jamaican runner Usain Bolt became the first person to win the 100m and 200m in three consecutive Olympics, cementing his status as the fastest man in the world. Yes, even faster than Bill DeBlasio running away from his record.

The Rio Olympics ends this weekend after two weeks presenting the best athletic competition the world’s nations have to offer. If you’ve been watching the broadcasts regularly, having them end like this is going to leave a big hole in your viewing plans. However, you don’t have to give up your Olympic viewing cold turkey. If you live in or around New York City, there are plenty of things you can watch to replicate your Rio experience, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Simulated Olympic Events to Watch in NYC:
10. 400m intern coffee fetching relay

9. Synchronized cockroaches

8. Subway pickpocket wrestling

7. 50m purse snatcher dash

6. 7th Ave bike messenger racing

5. DWI checkpoint balance beam

4. Penn Station homeless hurdling

3. New York Mets 100m dash to the bottom of the division

2. 50m burst water main freestyle

1. Hot dog vendor dirty water wiener drop

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, go for the gold, stay off the Costas, just try and unsee those pictures of the naked Trump statue, cower in fear that the same people are ready to deploy naked Hillary at any moment, stay off Slanted Rock, fix that Stop sign, run your mouth, don’t waste too much time watching preseason football, have a Fresca, vote early and vote often, catch the wave and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “clobberin’ time” green

I’m Tgreen and this is Happy Friday, your allegedly weekly dose of allegedly humorous content.

The 2016 Olympic Games start tonight in Rio, and athletes are complaining that there will be no Pokemon Go in the Olympic Village. Olympic officials say that the athletes will still be able to catch ‘me all, though, thanks to the 6,000 water-borne viruses lurking in the area.

As its census approaches, the Australian government is concerned that too many people are choosing “Jedi” as their religion. The issue is that having so many people so interested in Star Wars could be a harbinger of a huge population crash when none of them are able to find someone to reproduce with in their parents’ basement.

A veteran this week gave Donald Trump the Purple Heart award he earned in Vietnam, which suggests he earned the medal for a head injury of some sort.

A new CNN poll shows that 57% of voters are not satisfied with the choices in this year’s race. And the other 43% breaks down to 40% too busy binge-watching Stranger Things on Neflix to notice what’s happening, 2% in a coma, and 1% named Trump or Clinton.

This week President Obama celebrated his 55th birthday. Or whatever that is in Kenyan years.

President Obama’s approval rating climbed to 54% this week, which turned out to be a rare occurrence. The last time a President had an approval rating only one point lower than his birthday was when President George W. Bush turned 16.

This week Donald Trump’s ass got a little roomier when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dislodged himself from it long enough to say that the Muslim-American parents of a fallen US Captain have the right to say whatever they want about the Presidential candidate. He then grabbed himself a pork roll and cheese on a bagel and climbed back in for the duration.

Chris Christie also took some time to substitute for Boomer Esiason on WFAN’s Boomer and Carton show this Friday. Christie said he was happy to do the show but he was not auditioning for a post-Governor position. Mainly because radio hosts are rarely allowed to close down the George Washington Bridge to carry out a vendetta on an enemy, so the job holds no attraction to him.

This week a report cited 19 New Jersey beaches for being contaminated by bacteria. And in sports news, New Jersey just submitted a bid to host the 2032 Summer Olympics.

This week it was revealed that pallets of cash totaling $400 million were delivered to Iran at the same time that 4 American prisoners were released by the Iranian government. A White House spokesman called the timing of this delivery a coincidence. He added that when he said “coincidence,” he winked because he had some dust in his eye and not for any other reason so please don’t get the wrong idea.

Though if we did really send Iran money for prisoners, at least this time we got some people back for our money. And the President appeared to actually know that all of this happened. So that’s…progress?

This week Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump said he was not ready to endorse Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary election. Afterwards a Trump campaign spokesman said the campaign does plan to work with Ryan even if Trump doesn’t offer an endorsement. House Speaker Ryan took one look at this week, though, and said, “thanks but no thanks.”

A restaurant where diners eat in the nude is rumored to be opening soon in France. It currently exists in the UK, but will be closing since it turns out that the UK does neither food nor nudity particularly well.

Plans for a similar restaurant in the US fell apart the instant that Burger King expressed an interest, however.

This week, when asked to comment on sexual harassment in light of Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, Donald Trump said that any woman who is sexually harassed in the workplace has the option to leave, and…This just in! Ivanka Trump has resigned from Trump International effective immediately.

This week Instagram introduced a new feature called Instagram Stories, which critics are complaining is essentially just Snapchat. An Instagram spokeswoman said the critics are completely wrong about this, and they will see how innovative Instagram really is when its new product, Instagram’s Book of Faces, rolls out this Fall.

By coincidence, Book of Faces is also the name of HBO’s top-secret sequel to Game of Thrones, which jumps ahead in time to show life in Westeros in the 21st Century.

This week Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager locked her in a room without a cell phone or access to email, telling her that her poll numbers can only drop if she’s allowed to communicate with anyone in any context.

Caitlyn Jenner said this week that she backs the Republican Party but does not “outwardly” support Donald Trump. She keeps that support hidden. Like her penis.

The US economy added 255,000 jobs last month, which was much higher than expected. This is not so surprising, since someone’s gotta put together all those anti-Hillary and anti-Donald memes.

A Georgia man was arrested this week for attacking his girlfriend after she made him a grilled cheese sandwich with 3 pieces of cheese and not 2. His girlfriend should consider herself lucky, though, since no one even knows exactly what happened to the man’s friend who made him a grilled cheese with wheat bread and not white last year.

Researchers in the UK have discovered an orangutan that mimics human conversation. And not only that, he can also trail Hillary Clinton by only 10 points in the latest polls.

President Obama commuted the sentences of 214 convicts this week. And in related news, this week 214 new conspiracy theories appeared on my Facebook feed.

The IOC announced some new sports for the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. The new sports include Karate, Skateboard, Surfing and Sports Climbing. Left off the list? Beer Pong. Which means I’ll just have to keep sending letters.

This year the USA teams clothes came from Polo by Ralph Lauren. No word yet on who’s providing the hazmat suits.

A Florida woman shot herself in the hand while trying to take a Snapchat video of herself posing with a .40 caliber pistol. Maybe it’s time for one simple gun control rule that bans anyone from owning a gun with a caliber size larger than their IQ score.

And finally, in West Virginia this week, two dogs left in a running car in a Walmart parking lot put the car in gear, drove it into the store’s entrance and rolled down the window. This actually meant they were more productive that 70% of the population of West Virginia this week.

I got an email this week from something called the Microsoft Center of Excellence, which is about the only email sender that sounds even less legit than that Nigerian prince that keeps emailing me. Or the DNC, for that matter.

Remember, it’s all fun and games until we end up with President Kardashian.

This week the IOC banned 118 Russian athletes from competing due to concerns over the use of performance enhancing drugs. And in a related story, A-Rod just joined the Russian Olympic team.

Between the drug scandal and the polluted water and the infrastructure problems in Rio, people are worried that these 2016 Olympic Games are in danger of flying off the rails. And they may be right, because as bad as these problems are, there’s more trouble brewing, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Problems at the 2016 Olympics:

10. British team keeps voting to Brexit Rio 

9. Track and Field stadium composed largely of recycled email printouts donated by Hillary Clinton’s campaign

8. Official sponsor Coca Cola angry that its product keeps getting mistaken for local drinking water, which is actually two shades darker

7. Roiling pool of toxic human waste formed outside Olympic Village keeps promising to make Brazil great again6. Bob Costas

5. Former President Bill Clinton requested way too many front row tickets for the Women’s Beach Volleyball medal round

4. Men’s Synchronized Swimming not a sanctioned Olympic event for 9th consecutive Summer Olympics

3. Some local NBC affiliates still burning off promo ads for Joey from the 2004 Games

2. Due to clerical error, Sweden sent its curling team instead of its gymnastics team

1. Vladimir Putin keeps offering to participate in Equestrian events with no shirt on

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next Friday, wish Jack a happy birthday, don’t set the microwave on fire, try not to blow your savings account wagering on Synchronized Swimming, try to figure out who’s younger and more malnourished — the Chinese Women’s Gymnastic team or the laborers who made their uniforms, go see Suicide Squad and halfway through, stand up and shout, “where the hell is…uh…any character that remotely resembles anyone I’ve seen in a comic book any time in the last 30 years and why do they even make movies like this in the first place?!?”, keep it ‘tween the ditches, back away from the election memes, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “you say potato, I say fire!” green

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, Happy Friday everybody! Any big news this week? Anything going on? Anything? Oh yeah, that’s right. This week the city of Cleveland hosted the 2016 Republican National Convention, or as it’s more commonly known, Scared & Angry Lives Matter.

Actually, with Trump running the show this week, this convention was less typical politics and more like the worst episode of The Apprentice. It’s tied for that honor with every other episode of The Apprentice. Though to be fair, any random episode of Celebrity Apprentice had more famous people than all 4 nights of this convention.

And that was an issue. The Republicans did have some problems with their guest list this week. Tim Tebow was invited to speak, but he turned them down. Tim Tebow, who played for the New York Jets, finally found a group too lame even for him.

Apparently Trump wanted Don King to speak but the Republicans said no. No one’s sure if he wanted King there to prove he actually does have a black friend, or to prove that there are worse haircuts out there than his.

The big story from the start of the convention was Melania Trump’s speech, which included passages borrowed from a speech given by First Lady Michelle Obama in 2008. After a couple of days of denials, a Trump speechwriter finally claimed responsibility for the plagiarized parts of the speech and offered to resign, but Trump rejected her offer. He also rejected resignations from Hillary Clinton, My Little Pony, the words “a”, “and” and “the”, and the English language itself, all of whom were blamed at one point or another for this nonsense by the Trump campaign.

After the flare-up over Melania Trump’s speech, Donald Trump Jr’s speech also came under fire for being plagiarized. However, in this case the Conservative writer who wrote the speech explained that he also wrote the article Trump Jr allegedly cribbed from, so there was no plagiarism involved. Now if only he hadn’t copied the speech’s themes from 1954.

And in honor of Melania Trump’s speech, I promise that this week’s Happy Friday will only be 7% plagiarized, because Chris Christie says that’s an appropriate amount. Though I only ever steal from my own stuff and Trump Jr’s speechwriter says that’s okay, so look out! There’s gotta be an OJ joke in this mess somewhere.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie used his speaking time at the RNC to roast Hillary Clinton over numerous offenses for which she has never been legally punished. Because if there’s anyone who knows anything about committing numerous offenses and not getting punished for them, it’s Chris Christie.

Christie also said that if elected, Donald Trump will immediately seek to purge the government of officials appointed by Barack Obama. That should take all of two seconds. It’s not like Congress ever let any of them get appointed in the first place.

Many photos of row upon row of empty seats at the convention have appeared online this week, but the situation is even worse than the pictures suggest, since the arena was even emptier before someone set it up as a Pokemon Go stadium.

And there were problems even when they found people to aim a camera at. I don’t want to say that some of the Republican politicians in attendance weren’t happy to be there, but I’ve seen more enthusiastic smiles in a hostage tape.

You know, I don’t think Rudy Giuliani yelled quite so much back when he still had the combover. Just saying.

During his acceptance speech, Trump talked about how he’s going to create jobs in this country, and he’s probably telling the truth about that. The man knows how to create jobs. I mean, he managed to get all his kids on the payroll and a couple of them don’t appear to be overly employable, if you know what I’m saying.

Actually, Trump isn’t even President yet and he’s already created a ton of new jobs. Every major media outlet in the country has been forced to triple its fact-checking department just to try to keep up with him.

I kid, of course. Everyone knows Trump is immune to fact checking like he got the vaccine for it. Really, he created all those jobs when Canada put a second and then a third shift on the construction of their border wall.

In his acceptance speech Trump also promised that at his convention, there would be no more lies. Then he wrapped things up five seconds later to give himself a fighting chance at keeping that promise.

Probably the worst thing to come out of this convention, besides the fact that we weren’t allowed to actually watch Chris Christie get the news that he wasn’t going to be the Vice President nominee, is the idea that Scott Baio has opinions about politics that rate interviews on legitimate news programs. Because he does not.

Though the sad thing is, Scott Baio actually lifted the fame level of the convention guests to a solid D+.

Senator Ted Cruz caused a big uproar when he chose not to endorse Donald Trump during his RNC speech. Instead, Cruz urged voters to vote with their consciences. Or, alternatively, to not vote at all until 2020, when maybe a dashing, youngish, Canadian-born candidate might catch their eye and rate a second look, maybe.

Chris Christie called Cruz’s decision pass on an endorsement “totally selfish,” and if there’s anyone who knows anything about being totally selfish, it’s Chris Christie.

Even worse than the snub from Cruz, the Trump campaign was dealt a huge setback when only 3 Horsemen of the Apocalypse endorsed the candidate.

Perhaps the most uncomfortable moment in the convention was when the representatives from WomenTrumpCheatedOnHisWivesWithsylvania were refused the chance to speak. This despite the fact that they had more delegates than, say, New Hampshire.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell got booed during his time on stage this week. Said McConnell, “If I wanted to get treated like this I could’ve just stayed at home.”

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker had an awkward moment on stage when he used part of his speaking time to say, “It’s just sad in America that we have such poor choices right now.” Oh, wait, sorry, that’s what he said before he got the invitation to speak at the convention.

When the state delegates announced their votes for Trump, Chris Christie allowed his son to announce for New Jersey. Which is appropriate, because if there’s anyone who knows anything about letting someone else do his job while he’s busy holding Trump’s jockstrap, it’s Chris Christie.

Newt Gingrich left Cleveland without being the worst thing about the convention. In a statement released after he left town, Gingrich explained that he was as surprised as you are by this turn of events, and he will just have to try harder next time.

The convention ended rather suddenly when, immediately after his acceptance speech, Donald Trump shook hands with car accident survivor Johnny Smith, who seemed visibly upset by the encounter and ran from the stage with an intense look in his eyes.

Not every speech in Cleveland was at the RNC. In a speech given outside the convention, Caitlyn Jenner said this week that it was harder for her to come out as a Republican than as transgender. In large part this was because it’s so hard to figure out which bathroom to use during an anti-LGBT rights rally.

While not at the convention or even in Cleveland, former New York governor George Pataki was also busy this week, announcing his four-point plan for building the perfect burrito bowl at Chipotle.

In media news, Fox News founder Roger Ailes resigned from the network this week in the wake of a sexual harassment suit filed by former correspondent Gretchen Carlson. While battling for his job over the past two weeks, Ailes expressed surprise at the problem, claiming that Bill O’Reilly never complained even once at any of the sexual advances, and actually claimed to enjoy them.

The theme to this week’s RNC was “Scare America Shitless Again,” because the GOP always goes with what works. But after a week of piling on the fear, in his acceptance speech, Donald Trump offered himself as the one man who could save us from such horrible ends. It took him a little over an hour, but he managed to list every threat he stands ready to defeat, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Donald Trump Promised to Protect Us From:

10. Return of the Burger King from those old commercials

9. Creepy clowns in sewers

8. Man buns

7. Sharknados

6. Reboot of Star Trek: Voyager

5. Billy Ray Cyrus comeback tour

4. Any more pictures of him grabbing at Ivanka’s ass

3. Facts

2. Opportunities to discuss legitimate problems in anything longer than a shouted slogan that blames immigrants

1. Secretary of State Gary Busey (wait, sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Things Trump’s Totally Gonna Try To Make Happen If He Gets Elected)

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stock up on orange spray tanner, build that wall, try not to let work ruin a perfectly good Friday, don’t waste too much time worrying if his $80 million payout is enough to get Roger Ailes through his golden years, win Powerball, stay out of the heat, try to figure out if Reince Priebus is a politician’s name or a rare Pokemon, go see that new Star Trek movie and stand up in the middle of it and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, try and figure out how many times I’ve made that same “joke” in the last 20 years, don’t fuck with Leslie Jones on Twitter, bust out your DVDs of The Apprentice and wax nostalgic over the good old days, don’t lay a finger on Chris Christie’s Butterfinger, and, as always, have a Happy Friday!

T “wait a second, I have to watch another week of this shit? Goddammit” green

Donald Trump’s wife Melania gave a speech on the first night of the RNC this week and immediately came under scrutiny when part of her speech seemed to have been copied from a speech Michelle Obama gave at the DNC in 2008. And the similarities are unmistakeable. However, upon closer review of the speech it appears that there was more plagiarism involved than anyone initially thought, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Other Lines From Melania Trump’s Speech That May Have Been Copied:
10. Just say no

9. Ask not what your country can do for you

8. I am not a crook

7. We hold these truths to be self evident

6. This is a day that will live in infamy

5. I did not have sexual relations with that woman

4. Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name

3. May the force be with you

2. Say hello to my little friend

1. It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in and you’ve got the stock market beat; but the man worthwhile is the man who can smile when his shorts are too tight in the seat.

  

It was twenty years ago today
Happy Friday taught you all to say,
“We don’t want to see those lame-ass lists.
“Their lack of humor leaves us really pissed.”
But on this anniversary
Here’s jokes you’ve read for years and years
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
We know you won’t enjoy this show
It’s Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists
The jokes you hated years ago
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy
Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

It’s a surprise to be here
It’s certainly a shock
We thought we killed this damn thing off
You know you didn’t miss these jokes
You’d like to make them stop

I don’t really want to start this show
But I thought you might like to know
The writer’s giving jokes a spin
And he wants you to pretend to grin
So let me warn you all right now
The one and only Tgreen’s here
With Happy Friday’s Crappy Top Ten Lists

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Happy Friday everybody! Yes, I know it’s technically Tuesday but since this is the actual anniversary of the first Happy Friday email, we’re just going to pretend that it’s Friday. Just like you used to pretend you laughed at all those Top Ten lists. The only difference now is you still have to go to work tomorrow. Shitty jokes and a Wednesday staring you in the face right after? No wonder I didn’t call this thing Happy Tuesday way back when.

This week actor Charlie Sheen revealed that he’s HIV positive. Doctors say there’s no way of knowing how Sheen got the disease because not only is he the first patient who was ever able to check off every possible way to get it on a lifestyle survey, he also added three other possibilities they’d never even heard of.

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House this week when President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize fell off a shelf and accidentally launched 10 drone attacks in the Middle East.

This week the latest poll results have Ben Carson and Donald Trump leading in the GOP race for the 2016 election, which is a rare case where the story is actually its own punchline.

Former President Bill Clinton this week live-tweeted the second Democratic Presidential debate and showed his support for Hillary by using the hashtag #Imwithher, which is the first time he’s ever admitted to being with a woman without the involvement of a subpoena.

In response to the terrorist attacks in France, this week the United States announced new travel rules for Syrian refugees. From now on they’re only going to be allowed one explosive device and one automatic weapon in their carryon luggage.

In other Syria news, it was noted this week that Apple founder Steve Jobs’s father was a Syrian migrant, prompting Fox News to pull its app from the Apple App Store in protest.

This week aging mobster Vincent Asaro was acquitted of charges that he was involved in the 1978 Lufthansa heist. Jurors said Asaro couldn’t possibly have been guilty because his character never showed up in the movie Goodfellas.

In a biography released this week, former President George H. W. Bush said that his son’s advisors gave him some bad advice in the years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. When asked to respond to the charges, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he had no hard feelings toward the former President and then offered to prove it by taking him on a special hunting trip.

In other Sith Lord news, Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens on December 18th. So if you think you may have some business to take care of on the Internet, you might want to take care of it on the 17th. Because after that the Internet is going to be used exclusively for complaining about Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the next 2.5 years.

And that’s enough News Roundup for this week.

Thanks to recent events I’ve seen a bomb-sniffing dog at my local train station. I can’t say whether he’s ever going to smell a bomb there, but I know for sure he’s never going to smell an on-time train in that station.

I’ll tell you, if the New England Patriots keep winning, everybody’s gonna want to put their hands on Tom Brady’s soft balls. Which is just how he likes it.

Last week I took my first Uber ride. My driver was a nice guy from Kenya named Benson. And I’ll admit it made me think about all the opportunities we have in this country. I mean, here was a guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves driving a car in San Antonio. Granted, it’s not as great a story as the guy born in the middle of Kenya who managed to pull himself up and move here and get a job he loves as the President of the United States, but it’s still pretty cool.

The previous paragraph was brought to you by Trump for President, 2016.

Us children of the 70s have an interesting month coming up. We’re going to have the opportunity to see a new Rocky movie with Sylvester Stallone playing Rocky, and then a new Star Wars movie with Harrison Ford, Mark Hammill and Carrie Fisher playing Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. And then of course there’s the rumor that John Travolta was spotted getting fitted for a white suit.

And while we’re on the subject of Star Wars, the new movie, Star Wars: The Force Awakens takes place 30 years after the end of Return of the Jedi. This means that some of the new merchandise is quite different from what traditionally comes out for a Star Wars movie, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Examples of Star Wars: The Force Awakens Merchandise:

10. Han Solo Blaster/AARP Card Combo Pack
9. Jabba the Hutt Slimming Undergarments
8. Large Print Movie Novelization
7. C3P0’s Twitter to English Translator, for Confused Grandparents Everywhere
6. The Chewbacca Hair Piece (formerly known as The Trump)
5. Princess Leia’s You’re My Only Hope Botox Cream
4. Imperial Walker
3. Jar-Jar Binks action figure (they really made at lot of these in 1999 so please just buy one already)
2. Lando Calrissian’s Cloud City Walking Shoes — So Comfortable You’ll Think You’re Walking on a Cloud
1. Luke Skywalker’s May the Force Be With You Male Enhancement Pills

And that’s all the time we have this week. I’m not entirely sure what the traditional present for the 20th Anniversary is, but I’m guessing it’s a crappy Top Ten List, right?

A brief historical note, if you’ll indulge me. The first Happy Friday did actually go out 20 years ago today in email format to a bunch of friends who’d just gotten email at work. Many of those people are still out there right now reading this, probably on a mobile device that no one could’ve predicted in 1995. I can only imagine it’s because they’re still waiting for me to write a good joke, in which case I might as well tell them I’ll see them all for Happy Friday’s 40th Anniversary, beamed directly to the brain implants we’ll all no doubt have by then.

If I counted up all the times I ended Happy Friday for good, never to return to it again, I’d get a higher number than George Pataki gets when he counts the people who’d vote for him in 2016, but despite that low bar it is a pretty high number. So thanks to those of you who do still show up whenever I find a few minutes to crank out one of these. And now Happy Friday is going to slip back into retirement for a bit. But Happy Friday will return on a regular-ish schedule next year to cover the 2016 Presidential Election. Sorry, there’s nothing I can do to stop that.

So until next time, stop encouraging Trump, celebrate your Thanksgiving with a Pizza Hut Triple Bypass, er, uh, Triple Treat box, stand up in the middle of that new Star Wars movie and shout “where the hell is Scotty?!?”, cower in fear as I decide whether I want to rerun all my old OJ Simpson jokes when that new OJ Simpson show comes on, go check IMDB to prove that I’m not lying about that OJ Simpson show, wonder if I made that reference just because Happy Friday doesn’t seem like Happy Friday without an OJ Simpson joke, realize that’s exactly why I did it, accept the fact that I’m using a very generous definition of the word “joke,” go to the store and buy Chris Christie a nice “sorry you won’t be President” card, ponder which is more presidential — Trump’s hair or the old Giuliani combover, be forgiving of the fact that this paragraph ran off the rails a lot of words ago and, as always, have a Happy Friday. Or Tuesday. Or whatever day you get around to reading this.

T “anyone know when that Poison Pen 30th anniversary is supposed to happen?” green