They’re counting up the votes and people are counting up their anxieties and I’m counting up how many bottles of Jack Daniels I’ve got in the house in case I need them.

Which makes me wonder, what time exactly does the Trump campaign hand out the paper cups of Kool-Aid tonight? And do you all have to drink them at the same time or does it vary by time zone?

Just like all of you, I’ve seen hundreds and hundreds of political memes over the last 4 years. The latest one is from Republican voters telling me it’s important to vote policy, not personality. And that’s fair. But they’re not telling me which policies I’m supposed to vote for. The policies that block legal immigration? The policies that want to take away health care from millions of people without offering up a replacement? The policies that hand huge tax cuts to rich people and corporations while specifically screwing over taxpayers in left-leaning states? The policies that totally ignore a global pandemic? There’s just so much to choose from. They need to be more specific.

In other news of the coming Apocalypse, this week Costco stopped carrying a brand of coconut water because the company that makes the water uses forced monkey labor to gather the coconuts, which just goes to prove that I’m the only person who’s actually watched all of the Planet of the Apes movies and knows what forced monkey labor leads to.

The bad news is the President has threatened to send his lawyers anywhere he thinks the vote count is suspicious. The good news is, this is one of his lawyers:

Trump is riding out election night in the White House, where he’ll be hosting a party of approximately 250 people. It was originally going to be a larger group, but 250 is all that’s left from his circle that he hasn’t infected with COVID.

Remember when Bernie Sanders thought he was gonna be President? Crazy times, man. Crazy times.

I don’t know who’s going to win this election, though I’ve got my suspicions. But one thing I know for sure is that win or lose, on the morning of January 21, 2021, Donald Trump will be planted in front of a TV, watching Fox and Friends, and not doing the job of the President of the United States.

And that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Stay tuned to find out how the series finale of American Democracy ends. Wait, no, I meant season finale, not series finale. Didn’t I?

T “too early to call” green