Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. I know it’s been awhile since the last time we did one of these. It was on the occasion of Donald Trump’s 100th day in office, which feels like it was 3,000 years ago but really was only about 2,578 years ago, so that’s hardly any time at all. But since we’re about to live through the biggest Election Day since the last one, I thought it might be fun to drop in and see if we learned anything from last time.

Me, I learned that a lot of people were clearly not paying attention in grammar school, but that’s just me.

There’s gonna be a lot of map watching today. To see which states go for each candidate, sure. But also to see which countries might let President Trump move there if he loses and has to hide out from the US Justice system.

But by now the polls are open across the United States, and so far today Trump has only filed 6 lawsuits with the Supreme Court to cancel the election and declare him the winner, so it’s obvious he’s treating the day with the respect it deserves.

The President is also planning to spend the day rage-tweeting about Hillary’s emails and the size of his inauguration crowd, so don’t be alarmed if it feels like Twitter is accidentally reposting things from four years ago. That’s actually new content.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden started his Election Day at church, where he visited the grave of his dead son Beau Biden. Or as the President referred to it, “not being good enough to get a guest slot on Fox and Friends like I did, loser.”

Biden has a big day ahead of himself, though. His schedule shows a mid-morning nap, an afternoon nap, an early evening siesta, two power naps, and an hour of executive time, with the location for that given as the comfy chair in his study.

The President, on the other hand, will be holding multiple rallies across the country because it turns out he has not yet hit his annual quota for spreading the coronavirus. If he hits his quota he gets a bonus — several thousand fewer fans to have to pretend he likes, so here’s wishing the President good luck as he tried to achieve that goal.

A group of Trump supporters blocked traffic on the Garden State Parkway this weekend, which just goes to show that despite catching the coronavirus at the White House last month, former governor Chris Christie is still willing to pitch in with some campaign ideas. Good for you, Governor.

There was an awkward moment at the ballot box this morning when candidate Joe Biden was overheard requesting a write-in ballot and asking how to spell “Obama.”

Recently Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was photographed with bruises on his face and dark purple hands. He said he was fine, but people were understandably curious as to what had happened to him. It remained a mystery until now, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Five Explanations For What the Hell Happened to Mitch McConnell:

5. Prince cosplay went horribly awry

4. Tried to Smurf himself and something went Smurfy

3. His own blood said, “I’ve had enough of this clown” and went looking for a better home

2. Wanted to more closely resemble his favorite President but they were out of orange paint at the Walmart

1. Swiped a piece of gum from Violet Beauregard and is just waiting for the Oompa Loompas to sing him off

And that’s all we have time for in this morning’s Election Day update. We’ll be back in a couple of hours for another check on today’s progress.

T “Dewey Defeats Truman” green