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By Tgreen, October 22, 2010 1:58 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday!, the weekly blog post that actually appears on a schedule so random that the odds of it actually appearing on a Friday are somehow even worse than 1 in 7.

This week Apple CEO announced record profits for the last quarter, saw the price of Apple shares go above $300, unveiled 2 new MacBook Air models, gave a sneak peek at the next version of the Mac OS, and then met with President Obama to discuss the economy and technology. And he did it all while maintaining one of the top 5 best farms in Farmville.

About the only thing Jobs didn’t do was head on up to his secret base on the moon. Or did he?

This week the Vatican announced that Homer Simpson is, in fact, Catholic, which makes sense because why wouldn’t Homer belong to a religion where they give out free wine every week? Though mostly I think the Vatican announced this just to fuck with the next Dan Brown novel.

It’s good the Vatican cleared this up, because this is exactly the kind of important issue Catholics the world over want the Church to spend time on.

Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione died this week. To honor his memory, men of a certain age will be flying at half mast this weekend.

Former President George W Bush indicated this week that he sees not privatizing Social Security as the biggest failure of his eight years in office. This is a surprising choice, since it doesn’t even make most people’s Top 100 list of his biggest failures.

I guess maybe he considers his second biggest failure to be not finding enough reasons to give speeches while wearing a flight suit. And his third not being awesome enough.

Radio host Rush Limbaugh this week spent some time talking about pictures of President Obama that made the President, in Limbaugh’s words, look “demonic”. Left unsaid was whether the demonic Obama in any way resembled whatever demon Limbaugh signed his soul away to in exchange for the big radio ratings and the gigantic bad of Oxycontin he used to have delivered to the house every month.

New research shows that the popular story of the Mayan calendar predicting the end of the world on December 12, 2012 may actually be based on a miscalculation. According to the latest calculations, the world won’t end on December 12, 2012 but will actually end on whatever day the New York Jets appear closest to winning a Super Bowl game.

It was announced this week that President Obama will be appearing on the cable show Mythbusters. Given the way things have gone for him since he got elected, the only way he could appear on a more unfortunately-titled show would be if he was a guest on something like Hooray For The Bestest President Ever Who Has Saved The World And Made The Universe Better For Us All, Yay!, and for better or worse, FOX News canceled that show as soon as Bush left office.

This week Sony announced it’s finally stopping production of the cassette Walkman, once someone realized the calendar hanging in the production factory was left over from 1987.

In a new memoir by a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was revealed this week that during the Clinton presidency, the codes required to launch a nuclear strike were actually misplaced for several months. Though the most logical conclusion to draw is that Hillary was holding on to them in case Bill got out of line again after the whole Monica fiasco.

Scientists revealed this week that they’ve observed the oldest object in the universe. To do this, they tuned their television to CNN at 9PM Eastern time and there it was, conducting an interview with Snooki.

In other science news, NASA recently unveiled the results of last year’s experiment to find water on the moon, and it turns out there’s a lot more ice and water up there than previously believed. Almost enough, in fact, to serve up cocktails to any aliens drawn here by this…

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOVc4TMjHpk

Millions of TV viewers in the NYC area have been missing out on entertainment and sports programming since FOX pulled its channels from Cablevision due to a payment dispute. Picking a side in a conflict like this is kind of like trying to decide who to root for in a fight between the guy who raped you in the prison shower and the guy who shanked you in the prison cafeteria. In other words, you’re screwed no matter who wins.

Fast food mecca McDonald’s recently announce that it’s bringing back the McRib to most of its locations for a limited time starting in November. They’re so excited they’re working on a huge advertising push to make sure everyone has a chance to sample the processed pork sandwich. Of course, when you’re trying so hard to advertise, there’s always a chance you’re gonna burn through some bad ideas before you get to the winning one, as you can see here in…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Rejected McDonald’s McRib slogans:
10. McRib: Those rumors that it tastes just like Soylent Green are totally untrue and slanderous!
9. McRib: We devised a whole Man vs Food challenge around it that got rejected because it didn’t meet the “Food” criteria!
8. McRib: Now at least 87% mouse-carcass-free, give or take a couple of percentage points!
7. McRib: Each McRib grown organically in a lab in Brazil’s rainforest!
6. McRib: Buy one today or we bring back the Shamrock Shake!
5. McRib: The McRib’s special meat is even more special than the special sauce in the Big Mac!
4. McRib: Have It Your Way, as long as your way involves throwing a whole pig into a blender!
3. McRib: Buy two; it’s the tastiest murder/suicide method around!
2. McRib: You can’t handle the truth!
1. McRib: Guess who’s cornered the market on pig anus again!

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, stop eating all the candy you bought to hand out to trick-or-treaters, put the finishing touches on that “The Situation” costume you’re planning to wear, accept the fact that just because you want a scary Halloween lawn doesn’t mean you can bury grandpa out there, and, most importantly, have a Happy Friday!

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By Tgreen, September 12, 2010 8:08 am

Summer’s over and the football season is upon us. Sorry, Cleveland, but you knew it was coming. Now, the teams might be ready to play, but are you ready to watch? In case your summer left you unsure, you can figure it out by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways To Tell You’re Ready For Some Football:
10. Had three erotic dreams about Terry Bradshaw last week
9. Wasted entire summer following the New York Mets
8. Blood/Nacho Cheese Sauce ratio finally shifted back in favor of “blood”
7. Sacked the guy at the coffee stand twice on Friday
6. Bought the new Madden game, already wore out the disc
5. Started charging a seat licensing fee for that brother-in-law who always hangs out at your house
4. Seriously considered getting your team colors tattooed on your face to save time
3. Slapped every coworker on the ass after every staff meeting since May
2. Changed your newborn’s diaper and almost spiked him
1. Restraining order Rex Ryan got against you is finally about to expire

Now hit that couch and watch some football!

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By Tgreen, May 7, 2010 9:10 am

This week the folks at TomTom, the GPS maker (not to be confused with TgreenTgreen, the lame Top Ten maker), began selling add-ons to their GPS line that would allow you to have characters from the Star Wars movies read your driving directions to you. Now at this point you’re getting ready to either roll your eyes or reach for your credit card, and only you truly know which reaction is yours, and no one here will judge you. But before you do that, let’s look at this from the the most appropriate angle possible — the Top Ten List. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Least Helpful Star Wars Quotes For A GPS To Use:
10. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
9. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
8. Meesa people gonna die?
7. There is no try.
6. It’s a trap!
5. That’s no moon, it’s a space station!
4. Now that’s pod racing!
3. I don’t mind flying, but what you’re doing is suicide.
2. Traveling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy!
1. So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.

Now feel free roll your eyes or reach for your credit c… Ah, who am I kidding? Feel free to roll your eyes.

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By Tgreen, December 31, 2009 6:01 pm

So, another year is over, and as midnight approaches you’re most likely sitting somewhere surrounded by strangers, adult beverage locked in a death grip to keep yourself company, wondering just how 2009 got away from you, and worried that if you blink, you’re gonna find yourself in the same spot with the same adult beverage wondering the same thing about 2010. At this point you’re gonna need something familiar to cling to, some comfortable old friend who will remind you that it’s gonna be aaaaaaaaaaaaaaalright. And that’s where old Uncle T steps in. Not me specifically, because I’m about as comforting as some bottom-shelf tequila mixed with Tabasco, but rather, some Top Ten (or so) lists, that are always comforting because they just recycle the same punchlines from the last 14 years, so it’s not like your brain gets a big workout. So while you’re rattling the ice cubes around in your glass to make it look like you’re still engaged with the rest of the world, why not take a quick look back at 2009? Maybe you’ll even be able to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went off the rails for you. Stranger things have happened, as you’ll see when you take a look at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Awkward Moments At Obama’s Inauguration:
10. Realized halfway through that no one had explained to George Bush that he had to go back to Texas when it was all over
9.  Bill Clinton asked if he could just duck into the Oval Office bathroom for a few seconds
8.  Fox News’ Special Report, The Obama Presidency, A Study in Failure, aired a half hour before the swearing-in even started
7.  Spent nearly an hour wiping off all of Keith Olbermann’s drool
6. Thomas Jefferson’s ghost made numerous attempts to hook up with Mrs. Obama
5.  White House power shorted out by feedback from Dick Cheney’s secret death ray
4.  Forced to stop in middle of first Inaugural Ball dance to break up fight over whether he’s a socialist or a fascist
3. Inaugural motorcade interrupted by Dick Cheney’s secret ninjas
2. First hour in Oval Office spent listening to Hillary Clinton’s explanation of how it was still not too late to dump Biden for her
1. Chemical spill in White House basement accidentally destroyed secret army of Dick Cheney clones

Of course, Obama wasn’t the only political story of 2009. Sarah Palin continued her drive toward 2012 by writing a memoir that immediately shot to the top of the bestseller lists. There were immediate concerns that the book wasn’t 100% accurate, as you’ll see by checking…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Reasons To Question The Validity Of Sarah Palin’s Memoir:
10.  First five pages of biography appear to have been lifted from a book about President Lincoln, with only the names changed
9. Chapter on foreign policy experience includes four different French fry recipies
8. Section on everything she plans to accomplish as governor of Alaska hastily whited out
7.  Even with a year to think about it, still lists Bazooka Joe comics as her major source for news
6. Among things she trashes John McCain for is “did lousy job of picking VP nominee”
5. Every anecdote about life on the campaign trail ends with a moose getting killed — even the one that takes place in Hawaii
4. Continues to ignore George Bush’s friend requests on Facebook
3.  Refuses to apologize for giving Levi Johnston his 15 minutes of fame
2. Claims first anti-crime campaign she ever launched when she was mayor was against the Hamburglar
1.  Her list of favorite movies includes Caddyshack II and Ernest Goes to Jail

But it wasn’t all inaugurations and bestsellers in 2009. No, we had some national tragedies to deal with too. Like the whole Michael Jackson thing. Not that his death was as much a tragedy as something everyone had been expecting for at least a decade. But the way he was instantly turned from sort-of-creepy old dude who’d been riding the goodwill from Thriller for more than 2 decades into national hero was tragic yet completely expected. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Highlights of Michael Jackson’s Funeral:
10.  It was the most lifelike he’d looked since at least 1992
9. Coffin needed a sidecar for all his old noses that were buried with him
8. Tribute by children who visited Neverland over the years and weren’t touched inappropriately was understandably short
7. Finally gave Tito a chance to prove to the world that he’s still alive
6. Forced MTV to play more than 3 videos in a row for the first time in a decade
5. Fans were able to vote on favorite Jackson album, favorite Jackson song, and favorite Jackson skin tone
4. Joe Jackson set new record for fastest transition from “Where Are They Now?” list to “Yeah, Still A Douche” list
3. Gave Emmanuel Lewis some much-needed screen time
2. Slash probably got some royalties from all the new sales of Black & White, which means he made more money off that than Axl Rose made off the last Guns ‘n Roses album
1.  Proposed afterlife duet with Elvis called off due to fact that Elvis is still alive

Now, if you want to talk about tragedies from 2009, you don’t have to look past the Fall TV schedule. Talk about a nightmare of “President Palin” proportions. It’s like every network executive took every opportunity to make every possible mistake, and then put it on the air for us to watch. Did they finally go too far? Can network television possibly get any worse? See what you think after reading…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Could Still Get Worse:
10.  Law & Order: Jay Leno Division
9.  Celebrity Twister, starring Betty White
8. The Newshour with Paris Hilton
7. Survivor: Newark
6. Love Boat: The Next Generation: The Next Generation
5.  Celebrity Rehab, Muppets Edition
4. Kelsey Grammar in, Nope, Still Not Playing Frasier Crane, But Please Watch For A Couple Of Weeks Anyway
3.  AfterScrubs (oh wait, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Ways Network Television Has Already Gotten Worse)
2. Man vs Food vs Kelly Ripa
1. XFL Classics

And if you thought TV was bad, the Internet was even worse. There are actually, if you can believe this, people who think that they can slap together a page of poorly-thought-out Top Ten Lists and call it entertainment. Fortunately for all of us, more often than not they run out of time before they can really do damage to our psyches. Just imagine the horror if we’d been subjected to…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Top Ten Lists That Might Have Appeared Here Today If I Hadn’t Gone Out To Lunch:
10. Top Ten Movies Based On Comic Books Nobody Remembers
9. Top Ten Things William Shatner Says After Sex
8. Top Ten Ways Your Boss Is Screwing You Even When You’re Not In The Office
7. Top Ten Episodes of According to Jim
6.  Top Ten Obama One-Liners On Fox News
5. Top Ten Rosie O’Donnell Sex Tapes
4.  Top Ten Other Wars Dick Cheney Tried To Start
3. Top Ten Soups That Are Orange
2. Top Ten People Having A Better New Year’s Eve Than You
1. Top Ten Lunches To Buy Tgreen To Keep Him From Writing Any More Top Ten Lists For Awhile

But you know, New Year’s Eve isn’t all about looking back. No, it’s a good time to look forward, to make resolutions, to figure out how to be better next year than you were last year. It’s also a time to take stock of your possesions and figure out how to cram even more junk into your house next year. Which brings us to…

Tgreen’s Top Five Products You Know You’ll Buy When They Go On Sale In 2010:

5:

Chocodiles Throwback

4.

RockBand Elvis!

3.

Kit Kat Bacon

2.

Charlie Sheen's Slap Chop

1.

Apple iLobot

And that’s it for 2009. See some of you back here in January for more of the same. Hope you all had a good 2009, and that 2010 has nothing but good stuff for you. As the man said, “here’s to the new year. Let’s hope it’s a damn sight better than the old one.”

T “have I said Happy New Year to you yet?” green

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By Tgreen, July 7, 2009 8:15 am

Michael Jackson’s corpse wasn’t even cool yet before professional feces-tosser Al Sharpton was out there reminding us that Michael was black, bad-mouthing Elvis and Sinatra, and making sure his name was spelled right in the articles written about him by the media he claims to hate. Al Sharpton hating the media is a bit like me hating oxygen, but today we’re not here to talk about Al Sharpton. No, today we’re here to talk about one of his ideas.

You see, while lecturing us on his view of the late King of Pop, Sharpton suggested that Michael Jackson belongs on a stamp. And he does. The King of Pop is the perfect candidate for a stamp, because just like the King of Rock & Roll, he offers us the chance to pick which version of him we want to see. And while Elvis gave us the choice of Fat Elvis vs Thin Elvis, Michael Jackson gives us so much more to work with, as you’ll see when you take a peek at…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Michael Jackson Stamp Choices:
10. Black Michael vs White Michael
9. Fake date with Brooke Shields Michael vs Fake marriage with Lisa Marie Presley Michael
8. Scarecrow Michael vs Captain Eo Michael
7. Man in the Mirror Michael vs Freak in a Surgical Mask Michael
6. Bubble Bath with Macauley Culkin Michael vs Sleepover with Emmanuel Lewis Michael
5. Bubbles the Chimp Michael vs Elephant Man’s Bones Michael
4. Pepsi Generation Michael vs Jesus Juice Michael
3. Thriller & Bad Michael vs Everything That Came Next Michael
2. Plastic Surgery Michael vs More Plastic Surgery Michael vs Still More Plastic Surgery Michael vs Seriously, Someone Should Lose Their Medical License For This Shit Michael
1. Michael vs Diana Ross

Me, I think he’d like that last one best, and I’m pretty sure I know which option he’d vote for.