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By Tgreen, July 31, 2009 6:47 pm

Hello and welcome to Happy Friday, the weekly blog post that will make you believe a man can fly. Or at least write lame top ten lists.

This week it was discovered that New York City has been offering homeless people one-way tickets out of town. When confronted by critics, Mayor Bloomberg said that it might not be the perfect solution, but it was still, “better than what Giuliani did with them.” He then nodded solemnly and shuddered before claiming he needed a stiff drink.

This week Michael Jackson’s family announced that his mother will have custody of his children. And Michael Jackson’s father announced he’s the manager for a new band he’s calling the Jackson Three, who will be dropping a new single as soon as he has them “properly motivated”.

In other King of Pop news, a search warrant for his doctor’s home apparently hinted that Michael Jackson was an addict. Other things hinted at this week? The Earth is round. Donald Trump has a bad combover. George W. Bush was not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. McDonald’s coffee is hot. More on these breaking stories tonight at 11.

In an attempt to finally bring the Henry Gates arrest fiasco to an end, President Obama had the professor and the arresting officer over to the White House for a beer. The display of racial harmony got off to a bad start, however, when a White House aide accidentally stocked the cooler with several Colt 45 tallboys.

In sports news, quarterback Brett Favre announced his retirement, which, I think, means six more weeks of summer.

A South Carolina man was arrested this week after getting caught having sex with a horse. The same man was arrested last year for the same thing with the same horse, which is kind of troubling until you remember what they tell you to do when you fall off a horse.

The government announced this week that it’s suspending the popular “cash for clunkers” program because someone finally realized that a government program that any regular person could potentially take advantage of is not something the government has any interest in allowing.

In other government news, Senators are trying to ban texting while driving in all 50 states. Other things that the Senate should try to ban because we’re obviously too stupid to figure out on our own that they’re bad ideas — texting while swimming, performing surgery while driving, driving while swimming, and allowing Joe Jackson within a half mile of a talented child.

A Michigan man was charged with assault and battery after he struck his girlfriend because she refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place while they were playing Monopoly. The man’s lawyer plans to argue that the game of Monopoly was over when the incident occurred and his client was actually just warming up to be a suspect in a game of Clue.

If you’re a fan of conspiracy theories, lately some Conservatives have a good one for you. It seems many of them believe that Barack Obama is not actually an American citizen and therefore is not legally the President. They’ve actually gotten to the point where they’ve demanded he produce his birth certificate. In fact, some of them continued to demand this even after the birth certificate was produced. Sounds a little crazy, huh? Maybe, but it’s far from the craziest theory Conservatives have about the President…

Tgreen’s Top Ten Crazy Obama Conspiracies:
10. He hasn’t divulged where he was the morning Michael Jackson died
9. He drinks Bud Light, which is technically owned by a company that’s not American, and you know what that means
8. No one’s ever seen him and OJ Simpson in the same room
7. His Netflix queue includes a few too many musicals, if you catch our drift
6. Once rooted for Iron Shiek to beat Sgt. Slaughter during midnight wrestling show
5. His favorite Rocky movie is Rocky V
4. He can name more items on the Taco Bell menu than the Burger King menu
3. He shot J.R. (sorry, that’s one of Tgreen’s Top Ten Jokes That Might Have Been Funny If Happy Friday Was Around In 1982)
2. He once got a fortune cookie whose fortune said “You will lie about your citizenship and fool an entire country into electing you President”
1. He prefers Hydrox over Oreos

And that’s all we have time for this week. Until next time, try not go get hit by lightning or caught in a tornado and have a Happy Friday!

T “dang me” green